Tele-medicine insurance coverage and the HR lady

The greatest HR achievement from the corona period was the introduction of tele-medicine policy for our staff, nerds and senior management alike.

The policy is an enabling platform for user-friendly delivery of health solutions via Skype and Whatsapp. 

The tele-clinic is staffed by skilled "feldshers" from the former Red Army. Most of these feldshers speak some English, and all of them speak Russian, I have been told.

In today's management meeting, I received lots of positive feedback vis a vis (French) this service, as well as some non-positive feedback from disgruntled, ungrateful staff. 

I listened closely, because feigned internal- client  intimacy is a critical success factor of the senior HR manager.  

CEO Stan, who suffers from hemorrhoids, told me that tele-medicine is "the most stupid fucking thing you ever did, Ramsbottom. If you were not so good at right-sizing, you'd be out on your cold Canadian ass".

CFO Mister Herr Krebbs, who is a swimmer, migrated from swimming to walking and developed a sweat-related rash "somewhere" down below. Herr Krebbs said that "ze Tele-Klinic iz a Stück Scheiße; too expensive unt too shallow".

Comrade Carl Marks had to have a tooth pulled, and the feldsher instructed Carl's lady -friend which pliers to use in order to have the comrade extract his own impacted tooth.

After I heard this feedback, I noted the pecuniary benefits of tele-medical plan, trying to provide appropriate context for HR decision making in a financially challenged environment. Herr Krebbs did not listen; he was reading a German newspaper.

CEO Stan, who was standing during the entire meeting, took off his shoe and threw it at me, missing me and hitting Comrade Carl in his swollen jaw. Stan suggested that "within ten seconds, cancel the telemedicine contract. Ten, nine, eight...".

Always close to my customers, I moved even closer and revoked the service, in a timely fashion.

Swollen Jaw

New recruitment strategies -post corona

Ms Axe ( right) and I

I summoned a certain Ms Axe (Cynthia), our down-sizer, to a face to face meeting dedicated to formulating a new recruitment strategy for our firm  in the post corona era. Ms Axe appeared vigorous, youthful and plump.

I had planned to solicit her input until she threw out an idea or two, and then I reverted to telling her what to do. Soliciting input from lackeys makes sense, perhaps, but I guess that Ms Axe is an exception.

During the so called corona virus scare, we sent 80 % of our nerds home, on furlough, and signed them all off on a `voluntary donation contract` where each nerd agreed to keep on working, in exchange for getting his or her passport back, and one meal a week on the day of his or her choice. The nerds also decided to forgo all perks in the spirit `community and awareness that we are all in this together.`

With growing demand for our new product and the disappearance of corona from the evening news, we need to get back to real work. Teletrabajo, as it is called in Spain, is really a lot of bologna, if you ask me.

As such, we have started recruiting nerds with the goal of leveraging the environmental changes to get more bang for the buck, if that makes sense.

As on June 1st, furlough is finito. The `voluntary donation contract` expires November 1st, but we will provide free lunches and coffee until then.

New recruits will pay a mere $78 dollars for an employment interview, to be refunded after 6 years on the job and or added to our severance bonus.

Medical care will be reinstated via a tele-medicine expert, who also pulls teeth remotely, or for more accuracy, helps you or your partner pull your own teeth.

All nerds will be charged a $50 a week management fee, to cover the cost of managing their incompetence.

I know that some of my readers may think I have been over-indulgent, but if you think about it, being fair often pays off, especially on social media.

 

What is the new normal?

Comrade Carl on the new normal

"What is the new normal?" was a question that I posed to our core senior management team, of which I am a senior member.

The jaws of the members of the team dropped, stunned by the power of the query.

Yet I should have known better. Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks jumped to his feet, whilst nearly foaming at the mouth. "Great question, baby", as he motioned to me to sit down and picked up his megaphone. 

Carl continued, "we are entering into the age of autonomy. Every Sanjay, Matan and Hsu are working from home, far away from the claws of HR and other policing functions. The nerds are self controlling; R&D Engineering is self controlling. We are now writing pure code, detached from the needs concocted by Sales or by finicky clients. We are self governing. That is the new normal. If anyone does not like it, they can stuff it. Spasiba."

"Jesus, Carl, I don't fucking like it, said CEO Stan. "And you won't like it if I fire you, you weirdo. You and your damned eccentricities! The board thinks I'm a moron for not firing you. They think you work for our competitors."

I sent an sms to CEO Stan to remind that that the Board is chaired by Boris Shostakovitch who studied in Russia with Comrade Carl. Stan winked at me and whispered, "thanks, I forgot ".

Comrade Carl looked Stan straight in the eye and said, "Boss, you are the one that loves America. The federal government, that's you, and the state, that me, always have had conflicts of interests. You are running after the dollar, and I am pursuing perfection. That's ideal. "Don't you agree, Gloria", he said, turning his head to me.

I had been texting my sister and had lost the drift of the conversation. Intuitively I replied, "that's the new normal, is it not?"

Our German CFO, Mister Herr Krebbs, suddenly said, "Ich bin sehr besorgt".  

CEO Stan starred into the abyss, and he dismissed the meeting.

He doesn't like it

May First Celebrations and the HR Lady

People could have been my middle name

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, insisted that all of our nerds come into the office for May Day. "Many peasants and kulaks died for the revolution, so fear of getting a cough is no excuse for not coming into the office to celebrate", he wrote in his email invitation to his staff. Appealing to the nerds motivation, Comrade Carl insisted that "no-shows will walk the plank, assisted by the HR lady on duty".

Comrade Carl held his May Day celebratory meeting in the Kim Buck Room, aka the Josef Stalin Hall. Carl wore a red shirt, a red pair of shorts, red running shoes and a red bandana. As his nerds entered the room, they were handed a hard copy of "El Mundo Obrero" and a picture of Comrade-in-arms, the right honourable Lazar Kaganovitch, whom Carl referred to as the Cynthia Axe of the Soviet Union.

Predecessor to Ms Axe
Comrade Kaganovitch

Comrade Carl gave a speech in which he stated that "if software had existed in the hay day on the Soviet Union, clients would take whatever releases was distributed to them. No one would beef about a glitch here and there. And nerds would have a politruk (political envoy)  that would represent their interests on the management teams, not like the treacherous ladies of HR. Perhaps Gloria would be sent to a gulag for re-education. Or CEO Stan would be hanged. Who the fuck could have known how the fall of the Soviet Union would turn us all into slaves of the landed gentry and piggish capitalism? Let's drink to the life of the working man, and woman, or what have you. Viva las Vegas".

Carl asked me if I would like to address the crowd of nerds, who were yelling "death to HR; death to the finicky client, and long live Comrade Carl Marks".

I declined, politely, remembering Dad's advice never to stick out my neck too long.

I did know who Kim Buck was. Dad used to tell me that "if that's what Buck  thinks, he should get his ass over to Russia, and starve to death".

                                  

Herd Immunity for Software Product Bugs and Craving for Salaries

Preparation H

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, suggested today in our Core Team Management Meaning conducted by Zoom, that the corona virus presents an opportunity to develop herd immunity for clients which have purchased “products with certain childhood illnesses, like the common cold”.

CEO Stan, whose ranting wife could be heard in the background because Stan had urinated without putting up the toilet seat, asked Carl “what the fuck do you mean, Comrade Carl”?

The comrade presented us with warm data, big data and mid-sized data. “If 32% of our clients use our software without complaining, than the rest of the market will develop herd immunity and thus, many of our bugs will be re-positioned as strategic assets”. 
Comrade Carl added, “I have a Russian friend who can plan and execute  this entire process; in the past, he worked a Deception Engineer for the Russian Ministry of Railway and Bridges.”

CEO Stan texted me, asking me if Carl’s medications are balanced. I replied to the affirmative, emphasizing that Xanax has been added to “balance the Comrades’ mood swings”. Stan told me to “switch his shrink, for Christs’ sake; Carl is as nutty as a fruit cake”.

Comrade Carl continued. “Herd immunity is a strategic asset for firms with cutting edge software. That’s clear for anyone with half a brain.” Stan retorted, “Carl, treat your colleagues with respect, or I’ll deport you to Russia. Behave”.

Stan stole the term “behave” from me, but I won’t quibble.

After the meeting, Stan called me on Whatsapp. A huge jar of Preparation H was open on a table next to his chair, and he appeared uncomfortable sitting down.  “Gloria, develop a plan for herd immunity to the need for salaries. Pronto. Shake a leg”.

Stan also stole the expression “shake a leg” from me.

I shall shake a leg

Aligning vendor payments with the present situation, in a mutually beneficial manner

To our mutual benefit, 

To: Ms Donna Perk-McDonald-Perk-Perk

From: Prof Dr Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, PhD.

RE-Realignment of our contract in the corona era

Ms Perk-etc,

First of all, I wish to thank you for the wonderful ideas that you have suggested to make our company more attractive, especially the intrinsic motivation module, as well as the egg-freezing plan for working ladies. Chapeau, which is the French word for hat.

As you may remember, your firm was retained for pro bono  consulting (which  means free) in order to provide you with exposure to the first lady of HR. I am sure you built a hefty business based on my reputation. Nevertheless I am not sorry that I retain you in my service. Mais non.

I have decided to realign our HR business model to factor in all the flux in our business environment. As a result, whilst I agree to maintain your services as our Perks Consultant category three, I have decided to level a service charge of 4 pounds, 3 and 2 per week, payable in UK currency, or US dollars, whichever is better valued. In order to make this user friendly, we will bill you one year in advance.

I am sure that we will continue to cooperate to our mutual benefit.

Enclosed please find my invoice.

At ease,

Gloria

Keeping abreast of the at-home-worker during the so-called corona virus shutdown

 

Keeping abreast

I may have mentioned that all our nerds are working from home, whether in apartments, tents or low-end public housing.

In the “ancien” way of doing things, I would wander around, or slum around R&D cubicles to sense the environment, gossip and get the “drift” of things. Sadly, this face to face, in your face, HR is not presently applicable. I don’t want to catch this "so called virus" and pass it to my 144 year old Mum.

This having been said, I developed a easily deploy-able tool to access the pulse of the organization; this tool allows me to send CEO Stan a daily bulletin full of warm and cold, big and mid-size data, which he calls, “The National News, read by Gloria Ramsbottom”. 

Stan leaves out my last name, Lemieux, which he cannot pronounce nor spell.

The tool is a short multiple choice questionnaire, and in the spirit of pretending to be kind during this so called virus or epidemic, I shall share this agile questionnaire.

1     Since I’ve started working from home, I admire our management even more

A-Agree

B-Mais oui

C-Ja

 2   The person that I most respect in our senior management team, besides CEO Stan is

A-Cost-cutting Mister Herr Krebbs, the CFO

B) Comrade Carl Marks

C-The right honourable Dr Professor Gloria Ramsbottom

 3    The best to describe our company is

A-Humane and compassionate

B-Humane and compassionate

C-A and B

 4     If need be,

A-I agree to discretionary effort

 5     Miss Cynthia Axe, our chief downsizer is

   A-Cutting Edge

   B- A worthy lackey 

   C-Useful white trash

Gloria and Ms Axe

Gloria Ramsbottom Insurance Policy for the working man, and woman

Supplementary income

Whilst I have maintained my valet parking, business class travel on Cathy Pacific and my footman, it appears that my success bonus will be delayed due to the so-called corona virus. As a matter of fact, no one except our CEO Stan will pocket his (or her) success bonus.

Recently, I checked my bank book only to discover that my situation is wow. Not wow wow wow, just wow. This was pleasant yet unsettling.

In order to bridge the gap between a wow and a triple wow financial standing, I have developed an insurance policy for the working nerd and/or academic and man and/or woman. 

The policy insures you-folks as follows-

1) For fifty dollars a month, you will be insured against getting your job back after the shutdown. If you happen to get your job back, we refund your monthly payments with a $500 bonus. $ refers to American dollars.

2) For $100 a month, you will insured against getting your benefits and wellness perks back. If you happen to get your benefits back, we refund your monthly premium with a $10,000 bonus.

3) And now, my premium item. We will insure you against the chance of re-gaining a work life balance for the next decade. If you manage to get a job and work less than 14 hours a day and/or night, we will pay for a one week trip to Sweden, where you can eat, drink and be merry.

Monthly premium is $30, and of course, I am referring to American dollars.

Interested in this global, agile policy? Just contact me by leaving a message below.

Has Diversity has lost all it value due to Corona

Shake a leg, Gloria

CEO Stan called me at home at 10 AM. In the background, I could hear his dear Wifey yelling, “next time you piss, put up the toilet seat, you dirty pig”. Stan put his hand over the speaker, and suggested that his wife “shut the fuck up, you dumb cow”.

I think that their relationship is not at its peak, both having been quarantined for a month.

Stan wished me good health, and then he got down to business. “Fire Hugh White, that white weirdo who runs Diversity”.

I wasn’t exactly shocked, but I will die before I will lose a job position in the HR Empire. 

So I asked Stan for an explanation, hoping to stall things. “Gloria, don’t make this discussion into a silk market negotiation. I see no reason for a Diversity programme manager. None whatsoever.  Everyone is working at home. We can’t see anyone’s skin colour, nor their turbans, skull caps or kufiyahs. We cannot see who has what handicap, or whatever it’s called nowadays. The nerds can even work from their bedrooms, and we don’t know who is sleeping with whom, and how, or when. The courts are closed so no one can sue us. That’s it Ramsbottom, shake a leg and get it done. Axe Hugh White today. Pronto”.

I sent a Whatsapp to crony of mine, with whom I studied for a PhD in senior management at Harvard. He works as a senior director at the Equal Opportunities Unit at the Ministry of Labour. I used to help him with his French assignments and with German grammar at Harvard. I reminded him of the many favours I heaped on him.

One hour later, I forwarded the following email to Stan, asking for guidance.

Ms Ramsbottom,

The Minister of Labour has decided to crack down on reckless, greedy and slimy companies shirking their social responsibilities on diversity during the corona crisis. On June 2, the minister will visit your firm, accompanied by an entourage from the press. Attached is an excel sheet with the 3,354 criteria by which we will audit you. Please ensure all data is entered in our blockchain, en anglais, prior to our arrival.

Yours,

C Ronie

Stan texted me immediately. “You are a snake, Ramsbottom. But after all, HR managers should be a snake. Retain Hugh White. Shake a leg”.

Saved  by the ski of his white teeth

Wellness program for nerds working from home

"Wellness" could have been my middle name. Alas, I have no middle name. But "alas" is such a formidable word.

Our firm is well known for its wellness programs, which include pizza after 1 AM, partially subsidized shared taxis to shuttle the nerds home at 5 AM, an Early Bird Retirement Program to which one can register via Whatsapp, and free webinars piped into the toilets. I haven't told you yet, but our wellness program won an award from the Danish Daily, Der Lykke.

This having been said, our wellness program needs to be tailored to the reality of working from home due to the so-called Covid virus. 

After a twenty minute conference call with Ms Axe and Mister Hugh White during which I listened with patience to their asinine ideas, the new wellness program was formalized.

However, needless to say that our custom made new tailored wellness program is a team effort. I led, and my lackeys followed.

So voila-here it is: 

1) Partially subsidized  masking tape will be provided to ensure quiet during conference calls.

2) Remember our corner restaurant, The House of Wong, which provided us with ethnic food until the shutdown? Well, I spoke to Mr Wong himself, and the restaurant will provide meal #17 at $12 a pop, and we will subsidize these meals by $2, after the third meal, beginning in June.

3) Shaving kits will be provided so that you bums look presentable for con-calls with clients. The kits include a razor and a small, fragrant paper towel. Blades will be provided for nerds taking part in key client calls at the pace of one blade a week. Hairy nerds needing more than one blade can apply to Huge White on our Diversity Portal- hr/diversity/corona/hairynerd/oneextrabladeplease

Working remotely-New Guidelines

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, held an all hands meeting on-line with his 19 teams leaders via Zoom.

Carl believes that "19" is not too large a group to manage, especially since "my lackeys worship the ground that I walk on".

The goal of the said meeting was to clarify the ground rules of working remotely. Comrade Carl invited me to the meeting, promising me that "you could wrap up the meeting and send out action items by email and Whatsapp." 

I joined Carl in his room 5 minutes before the meeting began, looking  my best. The Comrade had a picture Comrade Lazar Kaganovitch pinned up behind him. I asked the Comrade who this bloke is, and he told me, "the people who need to know, know".

The comrade spoke for 3 hours and 45 minutes, and the nerds were attentive, or, nodding off to sleep. Some of their nerds were asking their kids to translate Carl's message to their native tongue-Russian, Ukrainian, Arabic, Urdu, Hebrew, and what have you-which rhymes.

Often Comrade Carl and I have our differences about how to communicate to the boys, but except for one point, I saw eye to eye with the Comrade.

His main messages were:

1) Corona or not, work hard or get fired.

2) You can eat whenever you want, because at home, none of your English speaking peers can smell the food you eat.

3) Don't take calls in the loo. Dress properly, and if your name is Svetlana or Natalie, you can wear whatever you want.

4) Speak clearly. If you don't speak proper English, keep your message brief and speak slowly. R and L are not the same letter; my name is Carl and not Sir, and Gloria is Mademoiselle Ramsbottom, not Gloria. Honour the HR lady and keep her holy.

5) Trust is the key to working together. If you don't cooperate, "I'll bust your fucking heads against each other."

Then Carl added, "thank you boys. I include the ladies".

Then Carl said, "anything to say, Glo?"

I mentioned that "parking and food allowance will be deducted starting today and one week retroactive" adding  that "discretionary effort is not all that discretionary". 

And then, I allowed myself to contradict one of Carl's edicts. "Svetlana and Natalie, talk to me after the call". Carl smiled and offered me a joint. The call ended.

Crisis Management during the Corona Virus Outbreak

I miss Dad

And it came to pass that the "powers that be" demanded that we all work from home, except for a core team of ten key players who can continue to work from our office.

CEO Stan, Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks, CFO Mister Herr Krebbs and I met in Stan's office to decide who will constitute the core team.

Comrade Carl, smoking a joint and drinking a brandy, showed us a video clip of the Queen of Denmark, explaining how to wash ones hands. Mister Herr Krebbs said that "ve don’t need a member of any rrrrrroyal famileee to explain zat. Ve are civilized." 

Comrade Carl stated that he is a member of the core team because his present girlfriend is "a pain in my Russian ass". Stan reminded Carl that he is American-"Carl my boy, you just think you are Russian."

At that point, I began to think that things are getting out of control. I was right. Mister Herr Krebbs asked me. "Fraulein Gloria, do ve neet an HR team? Zoon, ze business vill cloze". 

CEO Stan saved the day. "Mister Herr Krebbs, we have no business anymore, so who needs finance? The banks are storming our gates. Go hide at home to buy us some time". Herr Krebbs bleated out, "I vill take care of ze banks if you let me be a member of the core team. Danke". Stan acquiesced.

I proposed that CEO Stan be a member of the core team. Stan told me. "I don't need you to tell me that young lady. You are way out of line. Make us some coffee". I replied that militant union activity, led by a militant Scot whose English is hard to understand, is imminent and Stan replied, "Forget the coffee my dear, you are in the core team". As a perk, Stan asked me to ensure that our blockchain gets oiled by his footman, which puts his footman under my command.

After we agreed on the core team of ten, which included Ms Cynthia Axe and Hugh White from Diversity, I asked for a 700 K budget to monitor nerds' activity at home and prevent shirking. Mister Herr Krebbs suggested that "you use British Pounds and buy Israeli surveillance equipment". Herr Krebbs explained that if the Israelis know how to remove a genital mole from terrorists' private parts in downtown Tehran remotely, surely they can know what each Jose, Sanjay, Moshe, Fiona, Oya and Eike are doing."

Suddenly, I missed my dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom. He knew what to do when the shit hit the fan. 

Joint and brandy

Emergency Steps to prevent Corona Virus spread among our nerds

Shake a leg, Gloria

Our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, sent out an email to all our management and staff which read, "Shake a leg, Gloria. You have promoted all this wellness bullshit and now is the time to put your money where your mouth is. A vicious virus, made in China, is threatening our nerds. Act, pronto. Tak. Love, Comrade Carl".

When I got the email, Carl was sitting next to me at the lunch table in his favourite Russian restaurant. I asked him "why didn't you just speak to me. Tovarish (Comrade)? 
"Talking is human-email is divine", noted Carl.

I am in a quandary, which is a nice word. On one hand, I am a business partner and our nerds need to work as well as travel to customers in Asia. On the other hand, there are constraints that I need to factor in, which have to do with the so-called corona virus. 
Dad used to tell me that "you only have two hands, Gloria."

I felt an urge to act, not think. I am Canadian, not Danish or Spanish.
These are the measures I have decided upon, and if you ask me, this platform serves as an evidence based protocol which could be universally adopted to cope with the corona virus.

1-No more bat-soup at lunch.
2-Remove splinters from the cheap toilet paper we ordered from the third world to keep costs down.

3-Travel to and from Asia all to be rerouted through a 3rd world airport to avoid bureaucratic hassles of overzealous border officials. Travelling nerds with be equipped with a 5 Euro bribe to grease palms, as needed.

5-3 star hotels in Asia, and no street food to be reimbursed.

6-Shared taxis to and from airports only with fellow travellers who appear to be healthy.

7-h.

8- Use of call girls-Verboten, even in Romania

9-Honour the HR woman, that your days be long upon the Earth. Otherwise, I will encourage herd immunity.

10-Some toilets will be equipped with wellness kits, as soon as we recruit our new supply chain manager. The kits will include a Danish passport, hand spray, 5 "slices" of toilet paper, soap, a nail clipper, and a picture of Miss Axe.

Follow me @GRamsbottom

The Exit Interview

You cannot just axe employees and flush them down the toilet. Mais non. Actually you can, but "haram", i.e, you shouldn't.

Why? Even dismissed employees have value that can be squeezed from them. So I have decided to explain how to extract this last drip of value, albeit my reservations. On one hand, I do not want to give away all my knowledge freely since I am not Danish, but on the other hand, I do seek recognition as the first lady and as la prima ballerina of HR-thus, I am willing to share tidbits of our agile exit interview process. Here is how it works:

Six months after an employee has returned home to join his family and squander his severance pay on beer and women (or men for that matter), we interview our nerds in a Whatsapp group called "The House of Lords". 

The exit interview consists of 5 questions, in English, and for each question answered correctly, the severed nerd gets 50 cents for use in our company canteen. The 50 cents is valid for 21 days, except in June and July as well as odd days in the third week of every second month.

Are you interested in knowing what these questions are? Read on.

1) What did you value most about the HR ladies' contribution to your wellbeing? Why aren't men good HR managers?

2) Would you describe our severance package as more humane or more compassionate?

3) If your spouse is nagging you now that you spend more time at home, are you interested in my new book, "Thriving at Home After Severance"? It costs $30 USD. I do not accept British pounds.

4) Have you started to improve your English? Or have you reverted to speaking your tribal tongue?

5) Do you miss the smell of spicy food on Diversity Day? Do you miss working with people who are very much unlike you?

Btw, all answers to these questions are documented in our Blockchain, which was Made in Austria.