Wellness Evaluation ...as we head into the fourth Quarter

 

Ramsbottom and Axe 

As we head into the final stretch of 2021, Ms Axe suggested to me that we do a wellness assessment of our nerds.

Ms Axe took a 30 minute webinar on Wellness last week, which was produced in Denmark, and dubbed in Scottish English, making both the content and delivery foreign to her. Yet I did give her initiative my divided attention and thus guided her to prepare a questionnaire for my approval.

True, the questionnaire that she prepared made Biden's absconding from Afghanistan look good, but nevertheless, but for all the more reason, I made some corrections (232) and voila-we distributed it to our nerds who are working from home (15%), working at the office (40%) , and/or in their native homelands, stuck or in a permanent state of quarantine (76%). 

My head of diversity, a white straight lad named Hugh White, reviewed the questionnaire to ensure that Black lives matter, there is no anti-Semitic undertone, terrorism is deemed a professional preference, and no sexual proclivity is delegitimized. Hugh suggested 12 corrections, and he was overruled in a friendly but assertive manner. 

In line with my core values of knowledge leadership, I am sharing a few of the questions.

1) Isn't it weird that people who work from home expect full remuneration? 

2) What would we ever do without the perky ladies of HR, who work so hard to ensure that we all remain so fully engaged during the plague by their endless effort for the motherland?

3) Would you mind losing your job to an Afghan immigrant who is willing to work for free, in line with our core value of social responsibility?

4) We cannot pay the premiums until further notice for our medical insurance due to an IT error. Do you mind? If so, please enter your employee number, and re-read question 3.

5) Most of our sales force speaks good English. Is this unfair? Do you feel unwell when people do not understand you when you speak in a conference call with the accent of your local dialect?

Pay alignment for nerds working from home #wfh #telebrabajo

 

Stan

CEO Stan's wife, Wifey, read that pay alignment for nerds working from home is "fair, reasonable, agile and sustainable". 

I am not sure where she read about it, but if my intuition serves me correctly, it was at the Korean Nail salon which she frequents. Or it could be in one of the management blogs she frequently reads, to keep abreast. 

Her husband, on the other hand, keeps abreast of Ms Cynthia Axe, my downsizer.

                                     Glo and Ms Axe

So I was not surprised when I was asked to "factor in immediately the level of compensation and the level of perky-perky perks for those folk working from home", aka #wfh and #teletrabajo.

This "factoring in" took me about twenty minutes, including the time I texted my sister about her 5th divorce as well as  spoke with my new brand manager, (Mejuffrou) Agetha de Villiers, who  manages my image in Africa, where NO ONE, Black, White, Green, Yellow or Indian, is to be found who cannot pick me out of a crowd, albeit my height (5" 3")and pale white face. But that's a side issue, and I need not digress. 

These are the planned compensation adjustments to be implemented retroactively, in line with the MGAJS "mean and global average justice system". Oh yes, that's our new benchmark-a justice system composed of the average quality of the delivery of justice from 5 states-Denmark, the USA, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Syria.

Here's my plan-

50% salary reduction for female nerds who have 2 kids or more; 30% for male nerds whose wife works at home and shares the so-called duties of child-raising. For those nerds with one or two kids, the salary reduction is based on "discretion of the HR lady".

Perk reduction (cancellation of dental insurance) for nerds who have dentures which were virtually installed in Russia and who took the Sputnik vaccine.

The Virtual Happy Hour You-Tube video will now be provided on a subscription basis, but will include subtitles in Hindi, Hebrew, Mandarin, German and Russian. The 50 Euro subscription fee is tax-deductible in Denmark. The Happy Hour will actually be 15 minutes, in line with our core values of "lean and agile".

In the long run, working from home is a privilege  that allows a nerd to work less and enjoy life more-which is fine with me. I don't care what people do in the spare time, as long as we ladies in HR don't foot the bill.

Wearing masks and core values

Kibinimat

Today's senior management meeting was wow. Just one wow. True, our investors have not yet cut off the supply of money, but we have seen brighter days; I try not be negative, in line with my core values of being perky.

CEO Stan, asked each and ever one of us to "throw out" one idea onto the table which would lift the spirit of our investors" and keep our clients "from bitching so much". 

Herr Krebbs, our German CFO said "Geld regeirt die welt", adding "so all ze doorz are closed". Stan asked Krebbs to speak English, but Krebbs had an urgent call from ze bank, and thus had stepped out of the room. Krebbs was gaunt when he returned to the room and angst emanated from his white and chubby face. 

In line with my core values of answering the bosses queries without committing myself, I said that hiring a few Australians could boost the morale of our beloved investors. "The Aussies all work from home, which saves us precious office space. And-we can also keep our prices down, because their cost of living index is low-as they are locked down all the time and can't spend money. True, we don't have any job openings, but that's another matter". I said that in line with my core value of deferred responsibility.

Comrade Karl Marks, our chief nerd, was playing with a new gadget (a mini blockchain) when his turn to speak arrived. "Stan, you need bigger balls. You have got it all wrong. Did people stop sleeping around when there was aids? Kibinimat, don't be a dotard. Of course they didn't. They just wore a condom. Who gives a rat's ass about Delta-the mask is the new condom. Tell the investors just that; leave the clients to me. Spasiba."

Stan texted me (on whatsapp) that we hardly have any more clients left to leave to the Comrade, and I sent Stan a smiley, in line with my core values of sending smileys when I have nothing to say.

 

Chief Transparency Officer to be hired-and on-boarded by a hungry coach

 

Yes, we have no bananas

Wifey, the indefatigable partner of our CEO Stan, is again reading management articles as she vacations alone in Mexico.

CEO Stan is glad that he married such an intellectual as dear Wifey, but he is glad he has his home for himself.

Each and every day, Stan sends the most beautiful flower bouquets to Wifey (via Oviedo Florists); nevertheless but all the more so, Wifey remains critical of Stan and floods him daily with agile, sustainable, block-chain enabled ideas. 

Stan and Wifey spoke by Skype for 3 hours on the weekend; Wifey had read an article called "Transparency: the Religion of the Successful CEO". Wifey is certain that transparency is a building block for Stan's success, or at least an end to his non-success.

At the end of the Skype conversation with his beloved, Stan texted me and told me to recruit a Chief Transparency Officer. "This is more important than the Internet of Things, Covid vaccinations, or hiring people with non-white skin ".

I rarely argue with Wifey's ideas but I did do some risk analysis for Stan about full transparency, as well as a "risk mitigation plan". 

Stan listened to me and agreed to a "modified" role for the Chief Transparency Officer, in line with my core value of "modified roles".

Job Description of the Chief Transparency Officer

The Chief Transparency Office will sit in the a rented office space in Darwin, Australia. His, or her, or its, role encompasses-

1-Ensure that the pressure Stan faces from the Bank is transparent to nerds who want a raise.

2-Ensure that the pressure Stan faces from our shifty Board members is transparent to nerds who want a raise.

3-Ensure that the pressure from the clients for products that work is transparent to our useless engineers.

4-Monitor with minimal frequency the level of transparency of Stan`s first class travel.

5-Monitor the sexual behaviour of our staff, in coordination with the white heterosexual white boy who heads Diversity, Hugh White.

6-Monitor and squelch the level of transparency about the numbers of  talented engineers who want to leave our company to pursue a career in internet of things.

7- All texts, emails, Whatsapps, Skype calls, etc will be "monitored anonymously yet transparently"- just to insure that everything is wow wow wow. (We will hire a hungry coach or very hungry OD intern to do this.)

8-Monitor the positive attitude and motivation of our staff, using state of the art GPS-"embedded" technology, and zenga zenga leadership techniques.

Please note:-

The Chief Transparency Office may also listen to phone calls made by visiting dignitaries, and make the content transparent to CEO Stan.