Internet of things, Big Data and Democracy

Snap elections 

Chief Nerd (VP R&D) Comrade Carl Marks called snap elections in his Big Data and IoT team. (IoT is "internet of things" which is hot stuff.).

As I parked my car in my reserved spot marked "Chief People Officer and HR business partner," I was greeted by a geek handing out an election flyer with the Comrade's picture with slogans in Ukrainian, Russian, Urdu, Hindi, Hebrew and Chinese, the languages of our engineers ( whose passports HR keeps in safe holding).

On the way to my office, next to CEO Stan's, I stopped by Comrade Carl's office. He was speaking on 3 cell phones and it he appeared he had overdosed on adrenaline. He was swearing in Russian and a huge pile of big data was on his desk. Behind his desk was a poster which read "HR is the running dog  走狗 of Management-Vote Comrade Carl".

"Gloria", he greeted me, "I called these elections due to the zenga zenga leadership campaign which was foisted upon me. Kibinimat, once I have the legitimization of my beloved people, we will see big change, not chicken shit HR change management geared at engagement, whatever the f-ck that means. We will run our release commitment process  like a real democracy, negotiating software release time lines at the ballot box."

Comrade Carl then explained that most of his nerds don't come from real democracies like Iraq, so "they appreciate elections all the more". 

Carl Marks (the comrade)  then told me that he had seen an email from Stan to me, asking me to cancel the elections because "Carl has flipped once again, because no one knows what internet of things really is." Comrade Carl added that CEO Stan may be executed by the masses, in line with our core value of focus on execution.

Carl said, "not only have I not flipped Ramsbottom, but YOU should call elections as well to see if anyone wants you as HR manager, kibinimat. Btw, I would vote for you because you have nice legs".

I remember that my late Dad Pierre Elliot told me that if you ever speak to the average voter, you understand the problems of democracy.

One vote, due to nice legs

Google and my blog

My dear readers,

My Dad, the late Pierre Elliot, always warned me that "with greatness comes headaches".

At 6 am when I opened my eyes and stretched out my hand to open my Blackberry Passport, I read an email that Google agreed to publish advertisements on my blog.

Naturally I felt wow wow wow, (3 wows) although I was not surprised.

Then, I read a text message from CEO Stan: "Gloria, good work. Meet me at the office at 8". Always prompt and responsive, I staggered into Stan's room. "Do me a favour Gloria. In your blog, don't mention the 3 pictures I have on my wall." I won't go into details now, but one of those pictures is a picture of Kim Jong Un (one). 

Who are the other 2?

Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs my Diversity department, also had a request. (Hugh is reading a book on "Sexual Orientation and the Internet of Things".)

Hugh asked of me, "Do me a favour, Gloria, in your blog don't mention that my wife Ludmilla's maiden name is Khrushchev. It just gets me another black eye".

Hugh White gets a black eye from wife - Comrade Ludmilla K White 

The jocund Comrade Carl Marks, Head of R&D came into my room, smoking a cigar dipped in cognac. "Gloria, congratulations. I heard you have a blog with advertisements. What the hell do you write about? HR is useless, kibinimat. Do me a favour-write a blog about the internet of things and you'll get more hits, make money and resign. I love you Gloria and you have lovely legs. But HR blogs are like necrophilia-HR is dead"

What is there to write about, kibinimat?

Mom just called me. She is losing her memory. Mama asked me "Gloria, is Google advertising on your manpower blog? When are you getting married? Is Google advertising on your manpower blog?

Flexible business ethics enable sales, corruption and compliance

Comrade Carl called me "First Lady of HR"

Comrade Carl Marks (R&D chief) addressed the leadership team today about “what needs to be done to flood the market with our technology”.

I could have sworn that I saw Comrade Carl smoking a joint in the parking lot before the leadership meeting started, but the moment that I took out my state of the art mobile phone, Samsung 98-T-Extra Large and tried to take a photo, I received a text that distracted me.

Comrade Carl said that “ethics and compliance are two-faced concepts of the rich aristocracy and the western world ruling elite. Kibinimat, our product is a pearl! All you need is to give each salesman few envelopes each with a thousand dollars (he said rubles) and you can get deals in Indonesia, China, Mother Russia, Mexico, Israel, Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Qatar and many another banana republics and remote Pacific islands, where the value of our technology is appreciated. All we need to do is find the slimy agents and corrupt government officials."

Then Comrade Carl continued, “all we need to do is two things: appoint me as Head of Sales and ask the ladies of HR to rewrite our business code of ethics to be more flexible.”

CEO Stan asked Comrade Carl to stop using the word kibinimat all the time. 
Herr Krebbs was quiet, reading his German newspaper about the welcome influx  of 4 million refugees into what he hoped would be Sweden. Herr Krebbs was not a Merkel fan.

Stan asked me what I thought.

“HR business partnership entails removing the people obstacles, as it were, that prevent work from getting done, in line with our core values. As you know, one of our core values is compliance, but I can issue "service pack" to these values within one nanosecond. HR will do everything to support the business.” 

I took out my state of the art Samsung, issued an update to our sacred core value of compliance by SMS, Whatsapp, Facebook, Telegram and Yahoo messenger, and said "voila". That's French. The new sacred ethics code enables blockchain based sales, corruption and compliance!

Comrade Carl looked at me and I became very worried. He looked lusty, and he said, "Spasiba, first lady of HR". 

Spasiba means thank you. That's Russian.

Updating core values