A serene and mindful HR robot, and my panic attack

Replacing Gloria with a machine

My mindfulness coach shocked the living daylights out of me yesterday. If you examine his credentials, this is not hard to understand. He used to sell worms (les vers)  to fisherman near Ste Agathe, after which he became Mr Mindfulness de Nord (of the North). His prices are very attractive and I was his first client.

Gloria, he said to me (in French on Skype), "close your eyes, and imagine that an agile Danish robot replaces you; you then get married and have children, not necessarily in that order. Peux-tu imaginer? How do you feel?"

I had a panic attack, in the positive sense of the word. My lower back ached and I downed 3 cheeseburgers with 4 diet cokes. I ended the call and told him I had network problems.

Then, composing myself, I went home and composed the following email to our CEO Stan.

Dear Stan,

Thank you for having decided to replace me with a Danish robot who does not even speak French.

All I need is a few years to prepare the robot to take my place, and wean all the management off my HR business partnership.

Because when I leave, for all of you it will be like detoxing from Cipralex 20 mg, which I have never done. 

You will get the shakes, anxiety, insomnia  and feel a deep sense of loss.

In 2026, year of the horse, the robot will be ready to go as SVP HR. I will support the Swedish robot until s/he feels comfortable, but for no less than ten years, at $450 a hour, beginning in 2027.

Merci

Gloria

Private Communication in working hours

What are people doing during work hours, for Christ's sake

If you ask me, there are two subjects that senior HR managers should avoid: travel policy and private communication in working hours. 

As far as travel policy is concerned, this hot potato is best owned by Finance. When Finance acts like a cop, HR becomes the shoulder you can cry on, even though I should have written "becomes the shoulder upon which you can cry".

Yet the travel issue is a piece of cake (gateau) as opposed to the issue of private communication in working hours. 

Stan our CEO sent me a Whatsapp, BBM and Google Hangout message today which read "find out how much time people are wasting during working hours, who are the major offenders, what are they are talking about and how HR will  plug the holes. Stan"

Without panicking I ran into our HR data warehouse and sat down with Halid, an illegal immigrant who was recruited to run the data warehouse. Halid did NOT look at me in a lusty fashion because he is gay. (HR hired Halid in line with 2 core values, social responsibility and diversity).

After I explained to young Halid what concerns Stan, Halid told me that all the data is readily available. Halid used to work for the Syrian Government in Internal Intelligence, as per Hugh White, my Diversity Manager. (Hugh is White and straight).

Halid explained that 102% of our employees are on Facebook and/or Twitter 75% of the time. The average employee sends 65876 texts a day, about .002%  are work related. 
Halid went on to inform me that Comrade Carl Marks, our R&D chief nerd, happens to be very conscientious and refrains from social media and private texting. Halid asked me if Comrade Carl is German!
However, "HR appears to be a major offender. "Gloria", said Halid, "walla, don't you ever stop texting your sister and boyfriends?"

I am not against hiring illegal immigrants, but they certainly should know their place. My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say. "I have no problem with Canada taking in illegal immigrants but they should become Canadian, or stay home, wherever the f--k they call home". Dad had a temper sometimes.

I asked Halid if he would ever want to go home to old Damascus, perhaps next week. Just for a week or so. 

Halid quickly told me that for some reason, there has been a crash and all the data in the warehouse relating to private communication has been deleted. I hired a private agency to check on Halid, in line with my core value of worshiping Angela Merkel up to a point.

Halid is now my favourite employee, in line with my core value of shifting alliances.

Shifting alliances

Servant leadership of Big Data Nerds

Poshel na hui 

Our CEO Stan laid down the law today in our senior management meeting when he looked at Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks in the eye and said to him, "Comrade Carl, if you serve your big data nerds instead of beating them down, the abysmally poor quality of our software will improve". 

Then Stan pointed at me and demanded I support Comrade Carl's implementation of servant leadership, so that his big data nerds become as "happy as the average Dane".

Comrade Carl and I immediately exchanged text messages, agreeing to meet at 6 pm for a beer. I avoid all alcohol, and I was planning to have a Pepsi Max and some almonds. However, when I got the following email from the Comrade at 5 pm, I understood our rendez-vous (which is a French word) was off.

Dear Gloria,

I was shocked when you agreed to work with me on servant leadership, as per the guidance of Stan, our myopic CEO.

Christ Gloria, look at the Middle East. Political regimes look at their own civilians as a real threat, not as a client to be served. And these regimes build huge security apparatus to squelch opposition, nipping it in the bud. The civilians are kept on a leash, and believe you me, people are "engaged", or dead, gestorben. ( I know what gestorben means. G R-L)

All our nerds come from the third world: Pakistan, Iraq, Syria, Israel, India, Chad, Iran, China and Mother Russia. So, if I become their servant leader, I am dead. What I need is a security apparatus, spies, bribes and uniforms to hand out. Not servant leadership. Poshel na hui, I live in a nut house.

Our 6 pm meeting is cancelled, kibinimat.

With affection,

Comrade Carl Marks

My one new year's resolution for 2016

HR business partnership enhanced-I aim to please

Flying back from Canada the States to resume my role of senior vice president of HR, my Blackberry was turned off and I had time to think-what am I really committed to change in 2016?

Many ideas flew thru my mind, a PhD in Data Mining, an MS in Computer Science, developing my linguistic skills in German, perfecting my Danish, better manage my narcissism  or perhaps find a husband so that Mama stops nagging.
Whilst all these ideas have merit, I decided to focus on one goal for 2016, in line with my core value of having a core value.

My resolution is to have our employees pay us for the opportunity of working.

Fulfillment of this resolution will fulfill 3 needs.

1.   Nerds will be able to add value to their CV, thus developing more employability.
2.     HR will enhance its standing as business partner. (People Day will continue to happen every 3rd Wednesday)
3.    I will generate lots of charts (and big data) towards the end of 2016, which will enhance my thought leadership.

HR will charge $50 to read a resume, which is a French word. And once accepted to work, an employee will pay us $3000 a month. We will provide work & coffee machine, as well as HR business partnership, at a low cost of $6 per case, if you have a yearly subscription, which costs $200 a month.

Leading very differently

Happy New Year

Chief big data nerd Comrade Carl Marks invited me out  to dine the day before I flew back to Canada for  New Years Day.

The Comrade chose the lunch “venue”, in line with my core values of using French words. Comrade Carl ate a Russian dish and I sipped mineral water whilst downing my onion soup, triple cheeseburger and poutine. This is in line with my core values of freaking out because of having to spend the next few days with Mama.

After lunch Carl said to me,

“Jesus Christ, Gloria. You ate like a f-cking horse. Listen here, girl, I wanted to share with you my insights about how to manage HR.

Leading Big Data and R&D is like running the Soviet Union. My department is so large, the diversity is so huge and the stakes are so I high that I need to use brute force, and “nip off dissension” in the bud. How the hell do the Russians control their territory? Via brute force and blind loyalty, in the positive sense!

But leading HR is more like running a country like Luxembourg, Denmark, Austria or Switzerland. These countries are so small and so easy maintenance that so called democracy works best.

Gloria, stop insisting that your staff does things your way. We all know how smart you are, but you need to allow your employee to bloom, like Mao did during the Hundred Flowers Campaign." 

Comrade Carl smiled, and ordered a 5th brandy.

I surprised Comrade Carl when I questioned his historic accuracy. My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom once told me about that Hundred Flower campaign. Mao encouraged the Chinese to speak up, but once they did, he mowed them all down, which “is why the Chinese are so reserved about the opinions”, as per my late Dad.

The Comrade was shocked. “Kibinimat Gloria, I have to wake up very early in the morning to fool you. You are one hell of smart girl. And your blog has made me famous. I cannot take that away from you, girl. Happy new year, Gloria”.

And happy new years to  my readers all over the world, in England (and Scotland), Africa, Brunei, Denmark, Europe, Spain, Canada, the US, Israel and the Emirates. And the Ukraine, Poland and "Mother Russia", as it were.

счастливого Нового года