Turn off your cellphones, for God's sake

Fowl, or foul

Whenever my Mom (Constance) would cook chicken for the family, she always asked my Dad "how's the chicken, Pierre Elliot?" Dad would always answer, "it's fowl, Constance".

At Christmas I was home in Moose Jaw (Canada) and Constance (who is losing her memory) told me that "your constant preoccupation with your cellphone is a foul habit, Gloria. Show your mother some respect". Then she would ask me time and time again "are you still in manpower?"

Today, CEO Stan started off our management meeting with a positive statement. Yesterday Stan watched a webinar on "The Power of the Positive". Stan said, "Turn off all your god damn phones during our management meetings. All of you suffer from a foul attention deficit disorder, for Christ sake. Comrade Carl, especially you! I think your foreign nerds might have been sending whatsapp messages while they were writing our software code".

I told Stan that HR business partnership is based on my responsiveness to text messages. Stan countered "but Gloria you are in the meeting with all your constituents. Turn off your Blackberry girl. Better than that, give it to me" And he came over to me, looked at my legs, and took away my Blackberry phone, noting it was "Canadian crap".

I did not panic. True, my hands did shake, but I did some breathing exercises and said to my self, "HR Business Partnership carries a price".

Stress, wellness and the sex life of nerds

Mal au dos

One week ago, just before I fell asleep reading an article on the Internet of Things, I plugged my Blackberry Classic into a charger and pinched a nerve in my back. I had to crawl around my flat for a week, and even the speed of my texting decreased since everything caused me pain. I even lost my ambition for about 15 minutes.

My late Dad Pierre Elliot used to say "Gloria, I'd rather have a tooth extracted without anaesthetic than have a back ache." Dad used to get horrible back aches when my Mother Constance spent too much money shopping at La Baie, Simpsons and Eatons.

Senior executives at our firm have "Platinum Health Care", and naturally, as senior HR business partner, I have a very senior standing. As a result, I have access to very good care, as behooves my rank and station.

A Russian born chiropractor (who is married for the third time around)  visited me at my home and administered treatment 8 days consecutively. Today after the final treatment, he told me, "you can get back on your feet, young lady, but avoid stress. Share your burden with you colleagues and staff."

For heaven sake, how am I to avoid stress? During my absence, my junior staff, a certain Ms Cynthia Axe and Hugh White (Diversity), have had too much exposure, far overstretching their limited capabilities. 

Hugh even gave a lecture on his favourite topic (to the Internet of things team) "The Sex Drive of Overworked Nerd". White did not send me his presentation for approval.

And CEO Stan sent me a message by Whatsapp, "Gloria, don't worry, we are getting on well without you. Miss Axe has a fine mind. She just needs more talent management".

But the worst news I got this week was from Comrade Carl Marks. He sent me a text: 

• About your back, zhiz prozhit — ne pole pereyti. But, don't worry, everything is under control. Btw, I hired an OD consultant who will meet you if  when you return. Comrade Carl.

My chiropractor told me that Carl's message meant "life is not crossing a meadow". 

Even as I write this post, my back muscles are tightening up.

Use Internet of Things to debug product

A service issue

This has not been an easy day for R&D chief and executive vice president Comrade Carl Marks.

Comrade Carl released a new product with more than 30,000 bugs and then insisted that fixing these bugs is "a minor service issue". 

Because we have no service department, our CEO Stan had a panic attack, and then after getting some input from me, Stan acted with cunning and spoke to Comrade Carl.

At 8 am today, CEO Stan called Comrade Carl's live in girlfriend Carla, who happens to be Stan's daughter, and they discussed financial issues. (Comrade Carl knocked up young and innocent Carla a year ago, and they have a child). 

Anyway, to make a long story short, Comrade Carl will "assume" ownership of the product defects for "one month, until that "bitch Ramsbottom" recruits some service talent".

At 1000 am, Comrade Carl  instructed to his engineers (in Russian, Hindi, Cantonese, Hebrew and other tribal dialects) to start fielding service issues via a TSD, a temporary service department. 

Comrade Carl stated: " Don't worry! I will go out on a limb and say that within 3 weeks, our TSD  will solve all these so-called product defects leveraging internet of things".

Diversity Chief Hugh White (a white heterosexual) jumped to his feet and cried out: "Comrade Carl, using the term "out on a limb" is against our core value of diversity".

Comrade Carl stormed out of the building and smoked a joint in the parking lot.

Big data!

Follow me @GRamsbottom