The Dangers posed by High Performance

Hi performers need my special attention

Although CEO Stan and I generally communicate by text, today, Stan sent me a email with an attachment about our high performers! Mais oui!

In the email, Stan pointed out some non-sustainable issues around the high performers in our company. And I quote.

a-There are too few high performers from the "Big Data A Team", Engineering or Sales, as opposed to a plethora of high performers in HR, such as Cynthia Axe.

b-High performers tend to earn "too much money" and are "overly eager" to be promoted "all the time".

c-Instead of motivating mediocre people to become high performers, everyone seems to wonder why they themselves are not high performers.

d-What message are we giving to our company, given the fact that the erratic #IoT chief, Comrade Carl Marks, has been classified as a high performer since Joseph Stalin was premier of Russia.

e-Some high performers, like Thor Smartahss from the algorithm team in the Faroe Islands, have "too many ideas".

I suggested to Stan to draw up a plan that "will enable us to leverage high performance without upsetting the apple cart". Now I need to figure out what this means. I will use big data.

Entice staff to retire early via agile gamification

Leading the agile  gamification project

Ms Cynthia Axe

As we deploy our new product to Albania, South Thailand and rural Mali, Ms Cynthia Axe, the head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, needs to "liberate" 400 US, Canada and Uk based staff from work. Axe will then hire "natives" in exotic countries, in line with our core value of "cheap agile labour". This is global mobility, as it were. This is also part of our global effort, and I love the word global.

Firing 400 people is big data, even if you divide 400 into two units of 200 people each. 

Native English speakers are afforded protection from such "liberation", as per CEO Stan's agile  instructions to Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity in HR. 

There have been too few volunteers to retire (this is non wow). So, under my auspices, but not under my responsibility, I have instructed Ms Axe to use gamification to entice more nerds to leave our not so firm firm.

Here is the plan. Ms Axe is organizing a game of  football on the roof of our 25 story building in which we are located. Safety barriers will be conveniently removed  for repairs. 

• Players who score touchdowns or tackle other players will be exempt from re-sizing for 3 (trois) months. 

• Players who "fall out of the game" get free burial insurance, ex post facto, unless they smoke or booze.

This may sound dangerous, but no need to worry. Hugh White will gather up (ramaser) everyone's cell phone so that no material damage occurs. Mais non!

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