10 things I expect from a perfect resume

b brief

I got a letter from a (male) fan in New Zealand, who wrote me: 

• "Dearest Gloria, The HR managers in NZ tend to be quite clerical, so I need some global input from you. Can you give us your vision about how to write proper resume? By the way, I love your use of the term "as it were", as well as your shapely legs. Fondly, Bernard. " 

Here is my answer.

Dear Bernard,

There are 10 basic components that I look for in a resume, which is a French word.

1) Does the candidate see HR as a strategic business partner?  Nothing is more critical than this. Look for signs of deference.

2) Does the candidate accept the fact that we "retire" people by text, in line with our core values of digital dominance.

3) Does the candidate speak perfect English preferably with a posh British accent (especially for HR and Sales roles)?

4) Can the candidate feign understanding of big data?

5) Is the candidate desperate enough that salary negotiations will be short?

6) Does the candidate whinge about flying night flights in economy class and taking buses from the airport?

7) How dominant is the candidates` spouse about work work life balance?

8) Does the candidate resist digital detox, even if the vendor is French?

9) Does the candidate have a passport to give me for safe holding? Does he have a return ticket to his tribal homeland? Does he eat normal food?Is the candidate mildly diverse, without special needs? (like having an Italian or Jewish name)

10) Does the candidate have any talent that we need to manage?

Bernard, I appreciate your recognition of my talent. Please spread the word about my site to your regional neighbours. My Dad, Pierre Elliot, said that New Zealand is "way off the map".

Gloria