Hedging big data

Big Data Hedge Fund

Our CFO, Mister Herr Krebbs, provided us quarterly data in a 88 slide ppt called "Concise Big Data-based Financial Package" in the senior management team quarterly business review. Herr Krebbs, ever so German, provides us with three truckloads of data. Ja! Gut. 

"Big data" is like a financial report, 100% hindsight", bellowed CEO Stan at Herr Krebbs. Stan ranted and raved about an increase in the cost of goods sold, as well as fines to the tune of $500,000 paid to customers due to late deliveries. Herr Krebbs remained silent and then muttered a few long words in German.

Then Stan turned to Carl, our chief nerd. "Comrade Carl, our product is too complex to make profit and your staff are a bunch of foreigners, waiting for their green cards. They believe that we will fire them if they finish the product, so they stall and tap dance all day! And what does this all mean, Comrade Carl? It means that you are as useless as tits on a bull, as a leader". 

I believe an OD consultant would call that constructive confrontation. My Dad would call it "getting the be-Jesus knocked out of you". Mom would say, "Pierre Elliot, don't cuss like that next to Gloria".

Comrade Carl, in response to Stan's "what do you have to say?" looked at me and said, "All this big data nonsense about the level of engagement being low is HR mumbo jumbo. Our staff is busting their balls, and our product is a pearl." Then Carl added, "what good is HR big data, unless it is futuristic, and hedged to the Greek drachma and Russian rubble?"

Stan, stunned by Comrade Carl's unfocused attack nevertheless asked me, "Gloria, do you hedge your HR big data to be more futuristic?"

Never one to be surprised, I texted my coach (who pumps gas and works as an agile coach) and provided an answer that Stan deemed, "very appropriate, Miss Lemieux."

The problem is that Stan pronounces Lemieux as Lye-Mex.

Green card enabled quality

Leadership, zenga zenga and the blockchain

Zenga zenga-kibinimat

When I studied HR at the Secretary's Academy in Montreal, I also took a 2 minute online course about change management. So I was almost fully prepared for what happened last week.

Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks claimed that leadership was all about leading slowly from behind.  
However one day later, turning on a dime,  Comrade Carl Marks announced that he would quickly debug all our software within a week, hands on, "zenga zenga".

The change occurred when CEO Stan got a call from a Danish  client, who claimed that Comrade Carl's latest software release caused a 14 hour power outage all over Copenhagen. Carl's software release had 4,087,675 bugs, and the client demanded immediate action.  

Stan told Comrade Carl to "fix the god damn bugs or I shall deport you to Albania or South Africa, where YOU will live in darkness, you idiot. Now get the f—k out of my office and fix the bugs".

Immediately Comrade Carl urgently convened all his nerds and geeks (20% of whom speak English) for a "working lunch", to launch the Zenga Zenga Quality Software Campaign, or the ZZQSC.

Speaking with accent that vacillated between Russian and Egyptian, Comrade Carl started off introducing a musical video geared at increasing engagement, zenga zenga.  (I loved the music, in line with my core value of loving music).

After the engagement video, Comrade Carl gave what he called his zenga zenga pep talk in Russian-accented English, sprinkling Arabic words liberally throughout. 
The agitated nerds stopped texting and listened carefully, especially when the Comrade bellowed, "Pizdetz -eradicate all priority bugs, line by line, end to end, and zenga zenga".

Hugh White from Diversity told me that  Comrade was inspired by a famous speech in which a great (yet dead) leader vowed to hunt down rabble rousers "inch by inch, house by house, home by home, alleyway by alleyway ( زنقة زنقة ), or zenga zenga.

After his speech, Comrade Carl came into my room holding a book on blockchains, smoking a joint and said- "Christ, Gloria, I should get the Academy Award for that. By the way, HR is useless but you are the greatest slogan master ever. Help me with this zenga zenga campaign. Stan has a hormonal disorder, kibinimat".

I promised Comrade Carl that bots,  big data and AI  (our banner slogans) will be replaced with zenga zenga within 48 hours. This is in line with my core value of slogan replacement. 

I wonder what that blockchain book is all about!

Agile enables engagement of the nerd to be more appreciative

Prevent morbidity

On the plane back to work from Moose Jaw after the vacation, my smartphone was off. In order not to become a nervous wreck due to anxiety caused to lack of texting availability, I read a short article in the Air Canada magazine, En Route, which is French.

The name of the article was “Agility Prevents Fragility”, which I found to be rather clever. My father, Pierre Elliot, loved the work of Robert Service, who excelled in rhyming. Whenever I watch this link, I remember my Dad and think how proud he would be of my HR thought leadership.

The agility article shocked me because, unlike the Internet of Things, I understood immediately what I had not been smart enough to implement, although I am political and practical. As my Dad often pointed out, “you are a very very practical girl, Gloria. Your husband won’t need to do too much, will he?”

With all the respect for big data and the internet of things, I think agility is built to last, as it were. “As it were” is also built to last.

The moment I landed, I had a conference call with Cynthia Axe my downsizer and Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity. I demanded, nicely, that they demonstrate agility when supporting me.

Then, I sent a text to all our nerds in which I explained why compensation is not all that important; I asked them, assertively, to demonstrate more cognitive agility in assessing our reward structure.

I texted customer service "attendants" and explained to them how agile service can make our "shitty" product shine. (These is a term our unsophisticated clients use).

After which I pulled three slogans out of my sleeve: Lack of agility causes morbidity; agility increases fertility; be agile today, or meet Ms Axe tomorrow.

Finally, I changed the voice greeting of the HR voice menu, adding “for agile HR support, press 8".