HR - RH adapt agile process for new smartphone allocation

Ramsbottom and Ms Axe

Ms Cynthia Axe (Head of semi-voluntary Early Bird Retirement) asked CEO Stan for a new Samsung Note 9 Stan, always the man, fell into the trap, as he told Axe: "I have no problem with that, Baby-just have Gloria sign off on it to ensure we follow procedure". 

My Dad (Pierre Elliot) would have said that Ms Axe dressed like a slut the day she asked for the new gadget.

Cynthia Axe sent me a text updating me. I sent

Cynthia's text to Purchasing and asked them to "sign off" as long as this is according to procedure. Procurement texted the request to Supply Chain, and Supply Chain forward the request to Hugh White, from Diversity. 

Supply Chain wanted to know if Ms Axe was a member of a persecuted "minority" group. The white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Hugh White, texted me back the purchase request, and I "forwarded" it back to Stan.  (All in all 76 texts were sent on this mission critical issue.)

Today, I saw Ms Axe flashing her new smartphone. 

Stan and a certain Ms Axe also had lunch at his mahogany table, and I will not go into details about how Ms Axe dressed. (Had I dressed that way at Moose Jaw High, my hide would have been tanned).

I will however note that Stan kept abreast of all Cynthia said...unlike most men Axe dates. I will also note that I snapped a picture of the two of them and sent to Wifey. This is big data.

Gloria considers career change-from HR manager to hair dresser.

CCM

There is no reason in the world why employees should not be engaged.  However, sometimes I encounter non- wow situations, which call for HR intervention. For example, Let's look at HR vrs Engineering to compare levels of  engagement.

                               Engagement in HR

• Thank heavens there are no engagement issues in HR.
• I love my work; “people” is my middle name on Thursdays.
• Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) feels axe-hillarated at the end of each week that she meets her downsizing quota.
• Every time that Diversity Chief Hugh White learns something weird about someone’s sexual life, he is engaged for days,as if he had found a big data mine.

                            Engagement in Engineering

There is, however, an engagement problem in Engineering.  

• Our new product now has 45989 identified bugs; even worse, the product “reboots” when more than 30 users log in.
• Comrade Carl Marks, R&D Chief, believes that these technical issues are “service related”.
• Nevertheless, CEO Stan has insisted that Comrade Carl’s engineers deal with product stability issues until HR hires a service manager.

Ciboire, I should have become a hair dresser.

                               Wifey Intervenes 

I received a text from Wifey (Stan’s wife): “Gloria, use spot bonuses to motivate Comrade Carl’s people. Wifey.”  

3 seconds later, I got a text from Stan, “Have you acted on Wifey’s text? Stan”

                             Gloria acts

I convened a meeting of my HR team to deal with Wifey's proposal.

Cynthia Axe “declined” and white heterosexual Diversity Hugh White was in court, defending our company’s stellar Diversity Policy, after someone anonymous complained that “Diversity should be more than hiring a Scot at the switchboard”.

I put together a spot bonus program to reward engagement.   

•     For each product stability issue solved, an engineer with receive an extra cheese coupon, to be used with pizza ordered after 11 pm at work (on Fridays only).
•     For every 100 revenue impacting bugs solved, an engineer will get a trip to Moscow (February) in an unheated dacha on the Volga River.
•     Comrade Carl Marks will get a discretionary budget deflated 4000 rubles to slip into his staff’s pockets, in “collaboration” with VP HR Gloria Ramsbottom and in full alignment with Hugh White. The allocation of this slush fund is big data.

This post is dedicated to Comrade Ilana from Israel and Monsieur Thibadeau from Quebec City, Gloria’s loyal fans. Spasiba and merci.

AS

GPS tracking of our trustful Service Team

Gloria plans, Axe monitors compliance

CEO Stan texted me to come to his room urgently, which I did, since I am his HR business partner. "The service engineers disappear for hours and no one knows there the hell they are. Not only does the service team lack discipline,  but only half the service engineers speak any English. Too many "mutter in accents and tribal dialects", our key customer claims. "-ranted Stan.  

"Gloria, track the  God damn service engineers  using GPS technology. Even when they go for a piss, I want YOU to know where they are. By YOU, I mean YOU and Ms Axe."

Here is the email/text I issued to our service team: 
"In the spirit of trust, globalism and sustainability, and in order to create a direct, humane and ongoing connection between all levels, HR will better align the Service Team with Management, using state of the art GPS technology, backed up by a Swiss blockchain. The Swiss are an accurate people."

Ms Cynthia Axe will be compliance officer for this project". Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan.