Rolling out our AI strategy

                                                                        

                                                 Comrade Karl-Claude Marks

                                            R.H. Gloria-Claudette Ramsbottom-Lemieux

Our German CFO, Herr Krebbs,  noticed that expenses have risen due to various subscriptions to AI services. In last week's management meeting, CEO Stan opened the meeting with a probing question: " what the fuck are you wasting resources on?"

Signaling to Herr Krebbs, the obedient Krebbs showed a slide detailing the various AI related subscriptions.

Stan, who was standing up due to inflamed hemorrhoids, demanded that we all show him "the wood behind the arrow" which AI provided. 

Our head of R&D and Customer Satisfaction czar, Comrade Karl-Claude Marx, said his AI service was "able to recruit nerds faster than the ladies of HR", simplify the code by 53% and provide support in 132 languages, including Lugandan and Scottish English. Karl added that AI does not need a visa and basically "any dithering fool can appear smart if he, or even she, knows how to use it". And he added that the product roadmap will be AI generated.

 Herr Krebbs said that "ze product needs to verk properly, before "unt rrroadmap"!

Herr Krebbs, our CFO, said that "if we had cash, we could manage ze cash flow better". Stan then asked Comrade Karl: "why don't your products generate cash, you weirdo?" Karl Claude answered, "kibinimat, don't rush me.".

Yours truly, Gloria the HR, Compliance and Wellness Senior VP, explained that AI has helped streamline downsizing, enhance brand recognition among the downsized, and eliminated the need to train anyone. 

" I even managed to learn a few words of Hungarian", blurted out Comrade Karl-Claude, butting into my concise explanation.

Stan summed up the meeting, apparently eager to scratch where it was itching. "Krebbs, I want an ROI plan on AI in 10 minutes. Karl, if you mention your obsession with Hungarian, you can pack your bags. Gloria, great work on streamlining downsizing."

 

DEATH AND COMPASSIONATE LEAVE POLICY Revised and Re-Revised by the Office of Human Flourishing (formerly Human Resources)

 

On the Occasion of a Bereavement

Should an employee experience the inconvenience of losing a family member, they are required to submit a Grief Initiation Form (GIF-7b) no later than 48 hours prior to the death. Retroactive grief applications will be reviewed by a panel of three HR professionals-ladies for the most part.

Upon approval, the bereaved employee is entitled to the following compassionate package:

• A commemorative mug reading "Someone I Knew Has Passed On and All I Got Was This Mug"
• One (1) motivational poster of their choosing from our Resilience Wall (excludes the sunset one, which is reserved for redundancies)
• A bus pass valid for travel to the cemetery, provided the cemetery is located within walking distance of a bus stop
• Access to our Grief Chatbot, CONDOLA™, available Tuesday through Thursday, 11am–11:07am
• One almost free upgrade to Lufthansa premium economy on one of their planes that was acquired from Philippines Airlines. You will get beets for dinner.

Leave duration is capped at four (4) days, or until the employee has achieved Closure, whichever comes first. 

Closure will be assessed via a short questionnaire administered on Day 3 by our Wellness Bot, Harriette.

Equipment Return Upon Employee Death

In the event that it is the employee themselves who has died, their laptop must be returned within the hour. The laptop may be delivered by a designated Next of Kin (NOK), a solicitor, or the employee's ghost, provided the ghost has signed our standard Visitor NDA and notarized it, paying the notary not on the company's dime.

The deceased's team is permitted to order one (1) pizza in their memory. Anchovies are at the discretion of the Line Manager. The pizza may be eaten on company time, provided it is consumed while working.

Grandparents

The death of a grandparent is acknowledged with a moment of silence, scheduled for the next available All-Hands meeting. The moment of silence shall last no longer than 40 seconds. If the grandparent was particularly old, a bonus 10 seconds may be approved by the CFO.

Pets

Pets are not family. However, we recognize that some employees believe they are, and we respect their right to be wrong. One (1) hour of Bereavement-Adjacent Time (BAT) may be taken per deceased pet, not to exceed three (3) pets per calendar year. Fish do not qualify unless they were named.

Appeals

All decisions made under this policy are final, binding, and written in a font that cannot be changed. Appeals may be submitted in triplicate to the Compassion Sub-Committee, which meets annually, on a date yet to be determined, in a room that has not yet been booked-although not daily.

This policy supersedes all previous versions of itself, including the one nobody read. Approved by: Everyone Relevant Last Updated: Recently Enough

• March 25, 2026

CONFIDENTIAL – FOR INTERNAL CIRCULATION ONLY

 CONFIDENTIAL – FOR INTERNAL CIRCULATION ONLY

TO: Senior Leadership, HR Global
FROM: [Redacted], Senior HR Business Partner, Global
DATE: [Today’s Date]
SUBJECT: Moscow Office Visit & Morale Assessment

---

1. Добрая Весть (Good News)

• The blog in Russia has an unexpectedly large following. Location: uncertain.

• Stan has requested my presence at the Moscow office due to “morale challenges.”

  • Potential positive outcomes: Russian morale may improve. Stan may appear competent.

• Stan has provided tickets to a local cultural event: “киска бунт.”

• This constitutes the entirety of the good news.

---

2. Плохие Новости (Bad News)

2.1 Morale Context

• Russian morale has been chronically low for years.

• Current resources: inadequate. Expected outcome: negligible.

• Proposed intervention: unknown. Feasibility: zero.

2.2 Scope Misalignment

• My role: GLOBAL HR, not local HR.

• Skill set: international strategy, not fluent Russian, not local office psychologist.

• Language barrier: Russian not spoken; no intention to learn. Literary resources excessively long; outcomes uniformly fatal.

2.3 Operational Concerns

• Travel duration: 3 days, including extensive traffic exposure.

• People tend to fall off buildings.

• Climate: extreme cold, potential impact on mobility, electronics, and morale.

• Technology readiness: Samsung 27 Ultra plus plus minus untested under Arctic-like conditions.

2.4 Leadership Behavior

• Stan’s directive: “Attend the show, maybe pick up some Russian.”

• Sustainability of approach: questionable. Strategic rationale: opaque. Alignment with global HR mandate: minimal.

2.5 Contingency

• Alternate coverage requested: Ms. Cynthia Ax, Head of Early Bird Retirement Plan.

• Availability: declined. Escalation path: unresolved.

---

3. Strategic Considerations

1. Is sending a global HR leader to Moscow an effective morale intervention? Kibinimat.

2. Should local employees be learning English instead?

3. Is Stan’s behavior a repeatable model for leadership engagement?

4. Will technology function under severe environmental conditions?

---

4. Preliminary Recommendation

• Recommend reviewing Stan’s directives for alignment with global HR responsibilities.

• Consider alternative interventions that do not require Arctic deployment.

• Ensure all corporate communications reflect role-specific expertise.

---

End of Memo
Leaked draft. Handle with care.

It's not a disaster to change the emphasis of HR to Compliance! Case closed

Old fashioned HR ladies used to deal with recruitment, DEI, onboarding and axing excess fat from their organizations, using surgical and economic incentives. Furthermore, there was a lot of attention paid to corporate culture, training and compensation/benefits. Btw, we always paid minimum wage and confiscated passports of the illegals who work for us, but the illegal nerd is often the most loyal and compliant nerd.

Times change. Dad passed away 30 years ago, and Mum doesn't know the time of day. Mum is 132 years old, and her knees ache after a tennis game. But she still prods me on about getting married. Times change in HR as well. DEI is as dead as Dad (very). Training costs money and most everything else is done by AI, the gooks in IT, or outsourced. So, how does HR survive?

That is a good question.

I have a good answer.

HR survives via ensuring compliance. To be more direct, we create value to ensuring that everyone obeys what my Dad called QR&R-the Queen's Rules and Regulations. Now Queen E 2 is dead as well. and her son has taken over. But that is a diversion. Back to rules and regulations-we have regulations about just about everything. We deploy cameras everywhere and we monitor email, phone calls and even, as needed, sexual relations. And we use this data to herd the cats, and keep the ship afloat.

With the release of our new software package, some would claim that the ship won't be afloat for long, but as one US president said, "in the long run, we are all dead".

Tak. Case closed.

Let's rewrite the ten commandments, in line with being in lockstep with current megatrends

 

"A time to be born and a time a die"; I remember that from Bible Class. 

There are many ways to convey the same idea: 

Kol kelb biji yomo-every dog's (final) days comes, one of our Yemenite nerds told be, before he was deported back to Sa'ana for working without a visa in the framework of our Diversity Plan 2025, aka, "Give everyone a Chance".

All good things comes to an end. That's what Dad Pierre Elliot told me, when he returned from a week skiing without my mother Constance.  

So yes, even the ten commandments need to change. 

I am not referring to a  Biblical version, heavens no! Just our management credo which we also named the Ten Commandments to "spike it" up a bit. Here is the newest version.

1) When in doubt, create coalitions to support your POV.

2) Deflect ownership of issue by stealth by asking questions, ccing everyone possible and asking for more data.

3) Feign listening skills when you are busy.

4) Use terms like "phased delivery", "mitigating circumstances" and "bounce back supporting strategy".

5) Turn off your camera in Zoom calls, to add a dimension of secrecy.

6) Drag your feet quietly when faced with a tough deadline.

7)  Use AI whenever possible, or at least talk about it.

8) Read commandment 7.

9) Respect the HR lady, that your days may be long upon the Earth.

10) The word Diversity needs to be replaced with a new word that starts with D...like deportation, or at least use a small "d" when referring to hiring people with disabilities, or people of color, Asians or Jews.