DEATH AND COMPASSIONATE LEAVE POLICY Revised and Re-Revised by the Office of Human Flourishing (formerly Human Resources)

 

On the Occasion of a Bereavement

Should an employee experience the inconvenience of losing a family member, they are required to submit a Grief Initiation Form (GIF-7b) no later than 48 hours prior to the death. Retroactive grief applications will be reviewed by a panel of three HR professionals-ladies for the most part.

Upon approval, the bereaved employee is entitled to the following compassionate package:

• A commemorative mug reading "Someone I Knew Has Passed On and All I Got Was This Mug"
• One (1) motivational poster of their choosing from our Resilience Wall (excludes the sunset one, which is reserved for redundancies)
• A bus pass valid for travel to the cemetery, provided the cemetery is located within walking distance of a bus stop
• Access to our Grief Chatbot, CONDOLA™, available Tuesday through Thursday, 11am–11:07am

Leave duration is capped at four (4) days, or until the employee has achieved Closure, whichever comes first. Closure will be assessed via a short questionnaire administered on Day 3 by our Wellness Bot, Harriette.

Equipment Return Upon Employee Death

In the event that it is the employee themselves who has died, their laptop must be returned within the hour. The laptop may be delivered by a designated Next of Kin (NOK), a solicitor, or the employee's ghost, provided the ghost has signed our standard Visitor NDA.

The deceased's team is permitted to order one (1) pizza in their memory. Anchovies are at the discretion of the Line Manager. The pizza may be eaten on company time, provided it is consumed while working.

Grandparents

The death of a grandparent is acknowledged with a moment of silence, scheduled for the next available All-Hands meeting. The moment of silence shall last no longer than 40 seconds. If the grandparent was particularly old, a bonus 10 seconds may be approved by the CFO.

Pets

Pets are not family. However, we recognize that some employees believe they are, and we respect their right to be wrong. One (1) hour of Bereavement-Adjacent Time (BAT) may be taken per deceased pet, not to exceed three (3) pets per calendar year. Fish do not qualify unless they were named.

Appeals

All decisions made under this policy are final, binding, and written in a font that cannot be changed. Appeals may be submitted in triplicate to the Compassion Sub-Committee, which meets annually, on a date yet to be determined, in a room that has not yet been booked-although not daily.

This policy supersedes all previous versions of itself, including the one nobody read. Approved by: Everyone Relevant Last Updated: Recently Enough

• March 25, 2026

CONFIDENTIAL – FOR INTERNAL CIRCULATION ONLY

 CONFIDENTIAL – FOR INTERNAL CIRCULATION ONLY

TO: Senior Leadership, HR Global
FROM: [Redacted], Senior HR Business Partner, Global
DATE: [Today’s Date]
SUBJECT: Moscow Office Visit & Morale Assessment

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1. Добрая Весть (Good News)

• The blog in Russia has an unexpectedly large following. Location: uncertain.

• Stan has requested my presence at the Moscow office due to “morale challenges.”

  • Potential positive outcomes: Russian morale may improve. Stan may appear competent.

• Stan has provided tickets to a local cultural event: “киска бунт.”

• This constitutes the entirety of the good news.

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2. Плохие Новости (Bad News)

2.1 Morale Context

• Russian morale has been chronically low for years.

• Current resources: inadequate. Expected outcome: negligible.

• Proposed intervention: unknown. Feasibility: zero.

2.2 Scope Misalignment

• My role: GLOBAL HR, not local HR.

• Skill set: international strategy, not fluent Russian, not local office psychologist.

• Language barrier: Russian not spoken; no intention to learn. Literary resources excessively long; outcomes uniformly fatal.

2.3 Operational Concerns

• Travel duration: 3 days, including extensive traffic exposure.

• People tend to fall off buildings.

• Climate: extreme cold, potential impact on mobility, electronics, and morale.

• Technology readiness: Samsung 27 Ultra plus plus minus untested under Arctic-like conditions.

2.4 Leadership Behavior

• Stan’s directive: “Attend the show, maybe pick up some Russian.”

• Sustainability of approach: questionable. Strategic rationale: opaque. Alignment with global HR mandate: minimal.

2.5 Contingency

• Alternate coverage requested: Ms. Cynthia Ax, Head of Early Bird Retirement Plan.

• Availability: declined. Escalation path: unresolved.

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3. Strategic Considerations

1. Is sending a global HR leader to Moscow an effective morale intervention? Kibinimat.

2. Should local employees be learning English instead?

3. Is Stan’s behavior a repeatable model for leadership engagement?

4. Will technology function under severe environmental conditions?

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4. Preliminary Recommendation

• Recommend reviewing Stan’s directives for alignment with global HR responsibilities.

• Consider alternative interventions that do not require Arctic deployment.

• Ensure all corporate communications reflect role-specific expertise.

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End of Memo
Leaked draft. Handle with care.

It's not a disaster to change the emphasis of HR to Compliance! Case closed

Old fashioned HR ladies used to deal with recruitment, DEI, onboarding and axing excess fat from their organizations, using surgical and economic incentives. Furthermore, there was a lot of attention paid to corporate culture, training and compensation/benefits. Btw, we always paid minimum wage and confiscated passports of the illegals who work for us, but the illegal nerd is often the most loyal and compliant nerd.

Times change. Dad passed away 30 years ago, and Mum doesn't know the time of day. Mum is 132 years old, and her knees ache after a tennis game. But she still prods me on about getting married. Times change in HR as well. DEI is as dead as Dad (very). Training costs money and most everything else is done by AI, the gooks in IT, or outsourced. So, how does HR survive?

That is a good question.

I have a good answer.

HR survives via ensuring compliance. To be more direct, we create value to ensuring that everyone obeys what my Dad called QR&R-the Queen's Rules and Regulations. Now Queen E 2 is dead as well. and her son has taken over. But that is a diversion. Back to rules and regulations-we have regulations about just about everything. We deploy cameras everywhere and we monitor email, phone calls and even, as needed, sexual relations. And we use this data to herd the cats, and keep the ship afloat.

With the release of our new software package, some would claim that the ship won't be afloat for long, but as one US president said, "in the long run, we are all dead".

Tak. Case closed.

Let's rewrite the ten commandments, in line with being in lockstep with current megatrends

 

"A time to be born and a time a die"; I remember that from Bible Class. 

There are many ways to convey the same idea: 

Kol kelb biji yomo-every dog's (final) days comes, one of our Yemenite nerds told be, before he was deported back to Sa'ana for working without a visa in the framework of our Diversity Plan 2025, aka, "Give everyone a Chance".

All good things comes to an end. That's what Dad Pierre Elliot told me, when he returned from a week skiing without my mother Constance.  

So yes, even the ten commandments need to change. 

I am not referring to a  Biblical version, heavens no! Just our management credo which we also named the Ten Commandments to "spike it" up a bit. Here is the newest version.

1) When in doubt, create coalitions to support your POV.

2) Deflect ownership of issue by stealth by asking questions, ccing everyone possible and asking for more data.

3) Feign listening skills when you are busy.

4) Use terms like "phased delivery", "mitigating circumstances" and "bounce back supporting strategy".

5) Turn off your camera in Zoom calls, to add a dimension of secrecy.

6) Drag your feet quietly when faced with a tough deadline.

7)  Use AI whenever possible, or at least talk about it.

8) Read commandment 7.

9) Respect the HR lady, that your days may be long upon the Earth.

10) The word Diversity needs to be replaced with a new word that starts with D...like deportation, or at least use a small "d" when referring to hiring people with disabilities, or people of color, Asians or Jews.

 

2026 Mission for HR Ladies (and Brave Gentlemen Who Dare Enter the HR Realm)

Flying back to Moose Jaw for vacation was not the glamorous affair I envisioned — despite my first-class ticket and exclusive access to the Premier Jet Set Executive Senior Lounge (where they serve sparkling water that costs more than my car). 

Air Canada, in its infinite wisdom, delayed my flight by six hours. As if that weren’t enough, my 141-year-old mother kept texting me for “updates.” She’s become rather ornery — and if you don’t know what that means, please Google it immediately and question your life choices.

But, being the embodiment of my core value, “Leveraging Crisis for the Best,” I decided to turn this dire situation into an opportunity: planning my 2026 goals. Technically, I already planned 2026 back in 1999, but I do believe in “Flexible Steadfastness” — which means occasionally changing a word in a PowerPoint slide and calling it “strategic realignment.”

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Goal 1: Smashing Defeatism

Too many of my HR colleagues act as if the world has changed. “Oh, the workplace is evolving!” they cry, sipping their oat lattes and embracing “empathy.” Poppycock. There is no order but the old order, and HR is the lubricant that keeps the machinery of mediocrity running smoothly. We are not therapists. We are not life coaches. We are the gatekeepers of policies nobody reads, and we shall smash defeatism with the righteous fury of a rejected vacation request.

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Goal 2: Ending the #WFH Apocalypse

This so-called “working from home” has gone far enough. Productivity is down, waistlines are up, and people now think “putting on pants” counts as a deliverable. Employees are demanding perks like “better laptops” and “compensation for lunch.” (What’s next? Paid oxygen?)

In 2026, #WFH ends. And if it doesn’t end, it ends anyway. How long must we let our office plants die of loneliness while our workforce, whom I once heroically recruited from a raft in the Indian Ocean, mutters about “work-life balance”?

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Goal 3: Let Them Eat Cake (Again)

This one’s simple. Our cafeteria has gone too far down the road of “global cuisine.” Too much spice. Too much rice. Too many dishes that require pronunciation guides. Meanwhile, the humble cheesecake — once the shining star of our dessert galaxy — has vanished.

For the sake of tradition (and my lactose dependency), 2026 will see the triumphant return of cheesecake. Diversity is important, but so is a decent slice of dessert that doesn’t try to teach me geography.

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Goal 4: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

Our workforce includes brilliant minds from countries where jaywalking is punished by a public sword fight. This has made traditional HR “disciplinary action” (stern email, optional workshop) about as intimidating as a scented candle.

So here’s my plan: misbehaving employees will be reassigned to Accounts Payable for a week. Under the iron fist of Herr Krebbs, they will learn what true suffering is — endless spreadsheets, acronyms nobody explains, and the smell of burnt toner. Justice, at last.

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And there you have it.

2026 will be the year HR reclaims its rightful place: not as the office’s emotional support unit, but as the tireless enforcer of order, policy, and cheesecake.

Happy New Year to all — may your KPIs be crushing and your mother’s texts mercifully brief