Wednesday, 10 February 2021

Compulsory Vaccination Policy and the HR Lady


                                                                Prof Gloria


The tension in the senior management meeting was palpable, which is a very exciting word. In attendance were CEO Stan, Chief Nerd Comrade Karl Marks, CFO Herr Mister Krebbs, and yours truly the first lady of HR. On the agenda was but one item, "should we enforce vaccination on the recalcitrant nerds who refuse to undergo such a procedure"?

CEO Stan, who chaired the meeting (by Zoom), was standing up, since his hemorrhoids are inflamed, which often happens when he is under stress. And believe me, he in under stress; the Board revoked his first class travel "in order to give personal example to the rank and file".

Stan asked each of us to "briefly state your opinions because I have more important things to do than get your input on this question. For fu-k sake, what type of ignoramuses have you all recruited"?

Chief Nerd Comrade Karl said that in Russia, "during Stalin's time, people who refuse to take a vaccine would have been shot, by Lavrentiy Beria or Lazar Kaganovitz who were compliance officers of the highest order". CEO Stan cut Comrade Karl short- "shut up, you moron; we are not in Russia. Take your meds".


                                          Kaganovitch

Our German CFO Mister Herr Krebbs gave a detailed financial report of 236 slides cost accounting all the alternatives. After his three hour presentation, Krebbs said that "I hope to haf all ze details by next veek". Stan texted me asking if Herr Krebbs work-visa in about to expire. I answered in a timely fashion, since I am always available.

Then came my turn.

I weaved in three factors: wellness, teletrabajo, and our core values. Stan asked me why I was using a Spanish word for working from home. "Gloria, are you eating too much paella at night? Speak in English, or I'll send you back to Canada on a one way ticket by American Eagle".

Always in compliance, I reverted to English and gave a fuzzy opinion, gravitating between business partnership, people and my own long term survival.

In the end, Stan told me to give our downsizer, Ms Axe, a hundred syringes to stab refuseniks in the bum inadvertently when they enter the building.



Friday, 8 January 2021

Corona vaccine inoculation in a diversity friendly manner by the First Lady of HR




White 
 
Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, walked into the office this morning with his tucker bag, which is Australian word for duffle bag. The Australians swear a lot and tend to be down to earth, according to Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs our Diversity Programme.

The comrade emptied the tucker bag on the table in the lobby and lo and behold, out fell vaccines all encased in ice. There was the posh British vaccine, the Pfizer vaccine with the P that is not pronounced, the Russian Sputnik vaccine with the picture of a bear on all vials, and the Moderna vaccine, which the Europeans oked after thousands of minks called in ill somewhere in Scandinavia.

"Comrades", yelled Carl on his megaphone, "come down to the lobby to get the vaccine, kibinimat. We need to get life back to normal. We have been living like shit for too long. Workers -unite, get vaccinated, and we can overthrow the running dogs who inflicted this plague on us, and extract revenge  by releasing new software".

Hugh White was sitting in his small, cramped cubicle reading a book entitled "Inoculation and Diversity". Hugh reads state of the art literature, making himself all the more nerdish and irrelevant. Yet, he does keep us diversity compliant, which is the only reason he still brings his salary home (to be delivered to his wife, Ludmilla White, nee Khrushchev).

Hugh ran into my office alarmed. "Gloria, stop the Comrade now! We will be sued. His inoculation programme is not complaint. When I hear the word "sued", I start to listen. Life is not easy for a boy named Sue.

Hugh gave me his "white paper", which was actually on black stationery, and I read it quickly,  skimming thru it as if was a message on a dating site I use. I then galloped down to the lobby, and ordered Comrade Carl to cease and desist "until we can align this inoculation programme with diversity in a timely fashion".

Trotting back to office, I gave Hugh White the ok to send off the following email to the all-list.

"In accordance with HR's core value of People First and Profit Second, we will begin inoculation against the so called corona virus today. 

C level executives will be inoculated in their offices with the vaccine of their choice. 

Those wishing to get vaccinated in their thigh or bum are asked to wait discretely in the lobby at 6 PM. 

People of color including various shades of off-white, will not get the Russian vaccine, unless the opt for it.  

People with various disabilities can, at their convenience, meet with Hugh White, to arrange a vaccine aligned with their needs; kindly bring a class B diversity-certificate in English signed by a notary in order that you get preferential treatment ".

Hugh White-White.

Sometimes, I must admit, I am proud not only to be a thought leader, but also a lady of action and praxis. Oui. 


                                                                   On the vials 


 





 

Friday, 1 January 2021

Unintentional Learning-the great gift of 2021


 


                                          Prof Ramsbottom and Ms Axe (Cynthia) 

Miss Cynthia Axe scored  two strikes within 3 seconds. She entered the executive elevator, without a mask-only to encounter CEO Stan who was already on the lift having parked his Mercedes in the underground parking lot.

About five minutes after this event, a certain Hugh White, the straight white boy who manages our Diversity and Inclusion Program, also erred, which is a nice way of saying that he fucked up big time. Hugh had sent out a survey with the follow questions to our nerds:

1)      Would you favour that our lunch room ban meat that has been slaughtered with Halal or Kosher style?

2)      Should ladies (or men) wearing a burqa also be asked to wear a facemask?

Hugh and Ms Axe were in my office at 10.00 am for our action-packed morning meeting. At that point, I was unaware of what had transpired. At 10.01, one minute after the start of our meeting, I got a call from CEO. I answered on my landline speaker phone, so that Axe and White could hear the close business partner that I have  cultivated with our chief executive officer.

“Gloria, I am about to deport you back to Canada, where you’ll freeze your white ass off. That dumb cow Axe wasn’t wearing her mask today when I encountered her in the God damn executive elevator. Jesus Christ Gloria, was she using your ID pass to gain access? Two minutes later, I looked at that survey that that bumbling fool of yours, that total idiot, Huge White issued! What the fuck is this all about? Why do you pay him a salary? Why are we asking for trouble? Get your fucking act together. Shake a leg and fix this pronto. Now!”

Axe (Cynthia) immediately had a hissy fit and Hugh White started to cry, fearing that he would need to spend more time at home with his tender wife, Ludmilla Khrushchev-White. One may ask, "what is the take away of this incident". Elementary, my dear Reader. Unintentional learning happens all the time, and when you least suspect it. Daily, if needed. Even in Denmark; valid except in Nebraska.




Saturday, 26 December 2020

Hugh White coaches CEO Stan on Gender Pronouns for her New Years' Address

Hugh White on Gender


CEO Stan in a rare moment of honesty admitted that "human interaction in our company is shit ever since corona hit us; this pandemic is worse than our software".  

I was not surprised to learn of Stan's pessimism. The Board has banned all executive travel in first class , eliminated Stan's bonus, and "put my cajones in a clamp", to quote Stan himself, in her, no his, very own words. One of those words appears to be non-English.

Stan asked me to write a message to all the nerds for the new year, whether or not they celebrated the new year or not. Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity, told me that it is "counter culture" to assume that such a message would be appreciated. Hugh added, "Ms Gloria, Stan should at least be more cognizant of gender pronouns. She is very politically incorrect and this can be very insulting".

Sadly, Hugh's warning reached Stan's mailbox; she was furious. No, he was furious. I am getting confused. I told Hugh to desist and refrain from jumping overboard, as often happens, bombarding us with nonsense. Us meaning them, or us. I am not sure.

Hugh contacted her wife Ludmilla, who told Hugh not to get fired because they have no money, they being Hugh and her wife Ludmilla. No, Hugh and his wife Ludmilla. Again I am confused.

But Hugh couldn't control himself. That evening, Hugh (m) wrote an email to Stan (m).


Dear Stan,

Gender pronouns must be used appropriately. Otherwise, you may be labelled as bigoted, anti-Black, anti Semitic, Corbynist, and a running dog of the American imperialism.

Gloria is a great HR manager; help him succeed even more by using proper english, with a small e.

Tak,

Hugh White

PS You cannot fire me. I have pictures of you and Mr Cynthia Axe.

An Unknown Russian 





Saturday, 5 December 2020

Administering the vaccines to the nerds and management

 



Hi Gloria

It’s time to get all my nerds back in the office, kibinimat. They have developed some nasty habits at home, such as eating 3 meals a day, listening to their wives / and or significant other, and multi-tasking during the meetings that I run, whilst looking for jobs as "blockchain repairmen".

I have procured 600 vaccines on the black market; 500 Russian vaccines, two posh British vaccines as well as 48 Moderna and Pfizer jabs. I have also contacted and contracted with 2 fledshers from the former Red Army to administer these vaccines.

All I need you to do is to do the logistics, which is what HR is all about, if you ask me. We, meaning I, need refrigerators to store these vaccines, insurance for those taking the Russian vaccine, an enforcement policy to ensure compliance (another core competency of HR) as well as a PR campaign, the very essence of HR.

Before I wrote this email, I called out on CEO Stan to agree to my plan, and you can be assured that whilst you maintain your seat at the table, you need to do what you are told. Spasiba.

I am awaiting your reply. By the way, I saw Ms Axe (Cynthia) at the chemists and I think she gained 2 stone, all in her bum. But ignore this “aside” if you get my drift, and there is a drift to get.

Have you been following the mink issue in Denmark? It had appeared that the world was coming to an end. Even the minks which were buried resurfaced because they weren’t buried deep enough.  Russia is probably better run than Scandinavia, it appears.

Comrade Carl Marks, Chief Nerd and System Architect; PhD, Russian Politechnique.

 



 

My dear Tovarish Comrade Carl,

As you know, I am here to serve. And so I shall proceed, in a timely fashion, to support you in your virile efforts to get things back on track.

The refrigerators for the vaccine are being manufactured in a factory in Mongolia, and I need a detailed technical description of our exact requirements  for the manufacturer in the Mongolian language. The manufacturer also needs  agile software support to get approval for the export of these refrigerators to us (since we are not a government agency); the fridges  will be routed thru the Ukraine once they get our specs.  Please assist them by so doing. It shouldn't take long.

The Russian vaccine can be administered in our parking lot, assuming “one” can get an ok to put the refrigerators there. I am not that “one”, by the way, just in case you were thinking. Our law firm, whom you chose, which is located in Russia, will take care of this.

I will have the British vaccine, which apparently cannot harm a fly. The second British vaccine will be administered to Wifey, CEO Stan’s better half.

The other vaccines can be given out to the nerds in a random fashion, and I have asked the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White, to make sure no one is discriminated against, not even black ladies, white men, or descendants of the first nation, which sounds so good.

I did know about Denmark, which alas, is no longer very Danish, so it appears.

Prof Dr Gloria van Ramsbottom, PhD (4); Esquire. Senior VP 

HR and Warm Data Gatekeeper.

Compulsory Vaccination Policy and the HR Lady

                                                                Prof Gloria The tension in the senior management meeting was palpable , whi...

Glo at her best