Wednesday, 9 June 2021

What actually IS HR business partnership? Our Blockchain-based quiz provides the answer!


HRBP Positive


In my tireless effort to impart my thought leadership to the herd, it appears that at times I have succeeded only partially. Pourqoui do I say that? Well, I keep on reading drivel about what HR business partnership consists of!  Never end sentences with "of", I was taught. That however is passe, a French word. 

So, I have constructed a small quiz to allow all my English-speaking followers to get their hands around the very essence of what constitutes an HRBP.

After the quiz, there is a key provided to rank and rate your answers, so that you don't pester with more queries, although I appreciate all my readers, almost.


Now take a look at the quiz-looky looky. Shake a leg.


1) Your boss asks you to fire 14% of the nerds. So you

a-look for creative solutions to drive the number up to 18%.

b-convince him that in the long run, this will not save more than a few Groschen.

c-ask him: "by text or by Skype"?

d-consult the blockchain


2) Talent management is

a-another word for Training

b-a very nice word

c-a useful way to rebrand how to avoid hiring unskilled labour, and then retain them by sending them to a few cost-effective webinars.

d-consult the blockchain.


3) Your boss asks you to explain to the Board why the company was rated the worst employer next to the Prison Service. The first thing you do is

a-send him your ready made presentation.

b-ask him if the data refers to prisoners or jailers.

c-take time off in the Canary Islands, which are in Spain.


4) In order to emphasize the role that Diversity plays in your HR policy, you

a-stop hiring White people

b-replace English as the language of business

c-cancel Good Friday 

d-consult the blockchain


5) Your boss asks you to handle suspected hanky-panky that was observed in the parking lot.

a-You tell him you won't tell his wife.

b-You tell him that hanky-panky is an old word.

c-You tell him that it's all on tape and will be leveraged to lower salaries of both employees.

d-consult the blockchain.


6) To celebrate Mental Health Day, you

a-hire people with a rich mental health record.

b-give each and every nerd a Xanax

c-provide Sales people with Cipralex

d-consult a Viennese blockchain


For the key to rank your scores-

Send 50 crisp Euros to HRBP Foundation, 

Ramsbottom House, 

London (England)



Friday, 28 May 2021

Hybrid working Arrangements introduced-Based on Blockchain Input and Warm Data

 


"Kibinimat Stan, if I were given the HR portfolio, we would have introduced hybrid work before the Treaty of Utrecht was signed".

This statement was made by our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, at our recent management meeting. The comrade was speaking to our CEO, Stan, but winking at me. Carl texted me "calm down Gloria, be liminal."

CEO Stan, suffering from digestive issues after eating too much onions in last night's salad, asked me "what's our hybrid work plan, Gloria. I do not want to keep hearing that in places like  Spain, everyone has a plan like this and we don't!" 

"Actually Stan, I have a plan and the execution is pending your approval. Check your Whatsapp more often. The plan offers incentives to our nerds to volunteer their services for 14 hours a week, defining that as exercising social responsibility to the firm. Furthermore, our toilet facilities can be retrofitted as conference rooms (voice only), and that adds another dimension to hybrid work, in a metaphysical sense. In a final coup de gras, so to speak, HR shall suspend the need to struggle with work-life balance. Homes of all nerds will be wired and connected so that the nerd can feel at work when at home, and at home when at work, so to speak."

Comrade Carl, feeling outfoxed said, "In Spain, people went home for siestas; that will not be necessary with your new plan, Sister Gloria. Siestas will be defined as old world manifestations of upper class decadence. This sounds brilliant. I will see that it gets published in El Mundo Orbrero and the New York Times.

As the meeting ended, I email my English-based Blockchain Expert to align all systems, but it was a bank holiday, so he may have been at the bank.

Wednesday, 19 May 2021

Compensation Realignment after Corona

 


The so-called Corona virus forced HR, very much against our will, to deduct 45% of nerds' pecuniary compensation as our Sales went belly-up.

Nevertheless I did manage to transform the deducted  45% into intrinsic motivation units as well as an improved dental care package. 

Intrinsic motivation was augmented by pep talks given at first by Herr Krebbs our German CFO. However Herr Krebbs is a dry as a desert wind (although he has a German sense of humour). 

Thereafter, Ms Cynthia Axe, our downsizer, gave excruciatingly effective pep talks, with a nerd's severed head tucked underneath her arm.

Our ameliorated dental care allows one extraction every 14 months, or one visit to a dental hygienist every 5 years. We cover 30% of the parking fee as well. 

Apparently, with business booming, there is a work-compensation realignment issue on my hands.

Today, 4 nerds walked into my room, uninvited, and demanded to speak to me. Their names were Svetlana, Svetlana, Sanjay and Sanjay. They were all wearing T-shirts with the inscription: No money; no honey.

Apparently, these 4 nerds were acting under the auspices of Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd and chief product architect. Svetlana 1, the chief rabble rouser was holding a red flag and a copy of yesterdays' El Mundo Obrero. 

Every HR lady is judged in moments where quick decision making and steadfastness is needed. HR is not a tea party. HR is not paying taxes in Denmark. HR is not a university discourse. Non! Pas de tout, which is a French term.

I asked the 4 nerds to sit down, and excused myself for a call from my sister about her upcoming divorce. Not willing to be rude, I promised the 2 boys and the Svetlanas that I'd be back to them "in a timely fashion".








Saturday, 10 April 2021

New post-corona hiring practices



Yes it's true. We are indeed hiring. Our customer service centre is being beefed up as our clients return to work only to discover that Comrade Carl's latest software release is not "fully functional" for the less sophisticated client. 

98% percent of our clients are not sophisticated and the other 4% are "total idiots", as per Comrade Carl's unbiased judgement. "Our product is a pearl; we don't  need service agents-we need clients with half a brain", claimed Carl.

All in all, we are hiring 4 customer service nerds. Each nerd must speak English and three other tribal languages, be willing to provide his or her passport for safekeeping in the HR vault, be motivated by non-financial parameters and willing to deposit a urine and stool sample monthly to alleviate all suspicion of substance abuse.

Each nerd goes thru the following screening process:

A Zoom interview, during which we examine if we can understand his or her broken English.

A medical exam conducted by Teams, including a deep cavity search, to establish willingness of the nerd to accept the arbitrary nature of authority.

Sign on a document that states allegiance to core values of "people first, task later, but not necessarily in that order".

Interview of wife/spouse/husband/whatever to examine alignment with our non-Scandinavian expectations of work/life balance.

A sexual-drive test to determine willing of the nerd to sacrifice lusts for the good of client satisfaction.

Then the nerd is transferred to Ms Cynthia Axe, who signs them on an a priori severance agreement; finally it's over to Hugh White (the white boy who runs our Inclusion Project)  who checks the colour/creed/sexual preference for our Diversity data base, located in our Swiss blockchain.

Finally, the nerd starts her, or his, internship which is compensation-free but includes a hot meal each week as well as pizza with extra cheese after 3 am.

What is my role, one may ask? One may ask, but I may not necessarily answer. 









Tuesday, 30 March 2021

“No one will get a product fix until everyone gets a product fix. It’s as simple as that. It’s all about managing peoples’ expectations. When our clients know that they are all treated in the same way, criticism of our company will be replaced by adoration”.

 

                                   CEO Stan



During the so-called pandemic, it appears that customer satisfaction plummeted, meaning that it went down. I am fully aware that most of my readers don’t know English all that good.

From the survey which I commissioned at a ghastly low price using abilities I mustered when working in Supply Chain, we learnt that 80.8% of our clients want to uninstall our product; another 40% are willing to shoot CEO Stan if they spot him in a dark alley, and an amazing 97% percent think that “HR is the only good thing about your company”.

Before confronting our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks about these findings, I had a one on one with CEO Stan. “The Board will be all over me Gloria”. I suggested that we table these findings as per our core value of functional transparency. CEO Stan told me that “you are the cat’s pyjamas!”

But it was too late. Cynthia Axe, my hatchet women, had already wandered into Carl’s office and told him that “CEO Stan will make you into minced meat, Comrade Carl”, and handed him the survey results. But to our surprise, Comrade Carl was as cool as a cucumber.

The comrade has just spent a week in Europe, where “I have been inculcated with humanitarian values. Our clients are dissatisfied not only because they are perhaps ignorant, but because they are all on edge asking “when do we get a product fix”. The Comrade’s eyes filled with charity and kindness. Then he proclaimed, “No one will get a product fix until everyone gets a product fix. It’s as simple as that. It’s all about managing peoples’ expectations. When our clients know that they are all treated in the same way, criticism of our company will be replaced by adoration”.

CEO Stan texted me that “either Comrade Carl is hallucinating or he “might be on to something”. Stan added, “Gloria, let’s align our values to be more egalitarian. Let’s brand ourselves as globalists and humanitarian for the next few weeks”.

I booked an educational trip to Belgium but when I read the travel warning, I suggested sending Ms Axe, who in an anti-vaccine advocate.

What actually IS HR business partnership? Our Blockchain-based quiz provides the answer!

HRBP Positive In my tireless effort to impart my thought leadership to the herd, it appears that at times I have succeeded only partially. P...

Glo at her best