Cynthia Axe named Big Data Baby

Getting Axe to put skin into the game as Big Data Baby

To: Cynthia Axe, HR Early Bird Retirement

From: CEO Stan

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR

CC: Comrade Carl Marks, SVP, R&D

Cynthia,

I told Comrade Carl Marks that I wish we had as much big data as we have software bugs.

But alas, we have 30,007 software bugs and a chronic lag of big data, especially in HR, Finance/Revenue Forecasting.

Let's move on this; I need you to put more skin in the game to bridge the gap.

As of today, you, my dear, are HR focal point for Big Data. Please leave the medium size data and small data to your boss, Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

I do hope that Gloria will focus her skills on convincing Comrade Carl Marks to stop learning Ukrainian, start fixing product bugs, and stop hallucinating that he is Russian.

Stan

Big Data Baby

Use of a Voice Menu to rebrand our response to the so called Corona virus

Ramsbottom, Axe and a very white Hugh White
A votre service

A major component of HR's re-branding strategy is our user

friendly voice mail on all issues pertaining to the so-called 

corona pandemic.

All of our covid-related services, including provision of the 

corporate mask with my signature, are now easily accessed via

voice mail.

And a word of thanks (merci) to my coach, who flips burgers as well as works in appreciative inquiry, for these wow ideas.

Main Menu of our voice mail:

1. For the big data storage room and access to the Russian vaccine, press 0.
2. For medium and small data as well as rumours, and a AZ shot straight from England, press 1.
3. For blockchain driven remote tooth extraction delivered on line by a Russian dental assistant, press 2.
4. To hear the top wow 10 top HR slogans in Gloria's shrill voice, press 3, then 4.
5. For a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our beloved Early Bird Retirement Plan, Employability Czar and  Anti-Stress Coach, press 4. 
6. To order in supper from Spanish restaurant at midnight, press 34
7. To hear about our 2023 growth plan, press 6.
8. For sexual harassment issues, please contact our legal consultants: McDuff, McNamara, McCarthy and Mack Cohen.
9. For minor health issues related to corona-related gasping, please read the small print of our health insurance plan. (English translation available soon)
10. For Hugh White from Diversity, type in G for Gay- S for straight-NC for non Caucasian-or DA for disability, and you will be transferred to an attendant.
11. To hear about HR's business partnership with CEO Stan, stay on the line and speak to an " attendant" in Kazakhstan, who is now acquiring some English skills.
12. To get an almost certified exemption from wearing a mask on flights, send 10 pounds to Ramsbottom House, Ramsbottom Lane, Marsh Path, Mill Hill, NW 7
13. For talent management, career path, knowledge management and others fads of the week, please hang up and we will return your call when we start seeing revenue from our non wow products.
14. To accept grim reality like no sunlight or covid yet  smile, sign up for our Danish language webinar.
15. For Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR, Coach and Chief People Officer, please contact one of my empowered lackeys. I personally am focused on the business. Tak.

8 cornerstones of My Personal Branding Strategy , based on IoE

Branding Gloria Ramsbottom

To brand myself as thought leader, I use several strategies, in line with my core value of agility. As a sign of my desire to gain fame, I will share my branding strategy.

1) This blog is a major component of my branding strategy.

2) I use Internet of Everything, and Anything. This allows me to position my input relevantly, daily, ie, on a weekly basis.

3) Hiring and retaining both Cynthia Axe and Hugh White as my lackeys has allowed me to stay ahead of the pack. Please note that I do have a succession plan for these eager beavers.

4) The relationship I maintain with  chief IoE nerd Comrade Carl Marks is one of business partnership, utter disdain and back stabbing; Comrade Carl hates and fears me, which enhances my brand especially since Comrade Carl is under performing.

5) My uncanny ability to think and text simultaneously creates the impression of on-line business partnership. Texting also lessens the need for me to use my shrill and bossy voice, as my Dad used to refer to it.

6) I am a White girl from Canada, yet I speak French,  and some Catalan, so I am somewhat diverse, but not too much. I am always perky. These are cornerstones of my branding.

7) I refrain from using slogans, except for sustainable, engagement, big data and business partnership.

8) Once I finish my degree in law and IT in a ivy league on line school, my brand will be perfected.

Branding myself as an HR thought leader has been a wow-wow (2 wows) experience; I am well known in New Zealand, Scotland, Bangalore (which is in India), Austria, South Africa, Brunei, Singapore, Shanghai (which is in the Orient), USA and the Faroe Islands. In Denmark, only Hamlet and Søren Kierkegaard are  better known than me.

What does HR need to know about Big Data

Impure thoughts 

People in organizations use the term big data "as often as you pass wind after eating beans", as my late Father Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say. 

CEO Stan used the term 12 times today; as I have mentioned before, big data is one of Stan's sexual fetishes. And when Big-Data Senior Vice President Comrade Carl Marks addresses his engineering team in Russian, I hear him say the word big data over and over, as he pounds his shoe on the table.

HR management must also align itself with the big data trend, in line with my core value of "using the relevant slogan".

So, here are four (quatre) ways of creating the case for HR-Big Data Alignment:

1-Gossip and intrigue should be reclassified from "medium sized data" to big data.

2-Diversity should record sexual behaviour as big data, without divulging the small data of who does what, and when.

3-HR voice mail access should add a prompt, "for big data, press two, or wait on the line for a big data attendant; you are number 49 in line; thank you for your patience".

4-Hire a mining engineer to do some "data mining". 

Btw, data mining makes Cynthia Axe's thoughts become impure, since she had a miner as a life partner a few months back.

PhD in Law and IT

Our management meeting on Friday night was a political food fight; I can describe it as "almost non wow". 

Who needs HR?

Comrade Carl Marks, R&D Chief raised an issue which was not on the agenda. In rambling and non-focused way, Comrade Carl derailed the management onto a side issue: let's decide what we want from HR!

Comrade Carl spoke for an hour. During his rambling talk, Stan was texting and chatting by Whats-app, Line, BBM and Google Talk. Chairman Ed was more attentive to Comrade Carl, yet appeared to nod off to sleep at times. The Head of Sales was hiding in the toilet and other team members were doing emails and texts on their Blackberry Privs.

Comrade Carl said that IT and Legal will "dismember" HR in a few years and then, "all we will need are a few secretaries to press "enter".

Comrade Carl said that ERP HR should be "migrated" to IT immediately, whilst HR legal issues should be outsourced to a cost effective vendor in the Canary Islands.

Comrade Carl then suggested that managers should hire and fire as per budget with no HR involvement.

Finally Carl added: when all this happens, who the f--k needs HR yob tvouy mat.  Carl often uses this explicative, and no one understands him except a few Russians. (We have 7800 Russian engineers in our company)

CEO Stan, who was supposed to have focused the meeting on budget restraint, summed it up saying: "Glo, what do you have to say here. Comrade Carl has quite a different "take" on HR than you do. Please address his issues next week."

My political strategy is clear. This week, I will do a morale survey by text and bombard our management team with bigdata about how Comrade Carl's team in falling apart.

This week, I will do a morale survey in R&D


You can follow me @GRamsbottom

Some non-wow "non minor" issues with ERP HR implementation

Implementation of ERP HR is worse than a migraine

To: Gloria, SVP HR

From: Hugh White, Diversity

Gloria,

How do I do data entry for Thiri, our employee with one name? 

If we don't find a way, we cannot pay him/her. YOU will find yourself in court. As a Canadian, you can be deported.

Hugh

.....

To: Gloria, SVP HR

From: CEO Stan

CC: Chairman Ed

Gloria,

Speed up ERP HR implementation. Why are you dragging your feet, young lady? Just get it done.

Stan

.....

To: Carl Marks, VP R&D

From: Cynthia Axe, Early Bird Retirement

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR

CC: CEO Stan

Comrade Carl,

1)Does Anatoli spell his name with an I or a Y.

2) Is Jie a male or a female? Is this name with or without an E. I can see a Ji and Jie. Same person?

3) Is Scotland in Europe?

4) Is Yves a male? 

5) How do I enter the accents on some of the European names?

6) Is Claude a female?

7) How do I enter Ania from Warsaw into the data base; her last name has 48 letters? (You told me once that Warsaw is in Europe)

8) Maria from Spain has 8 last names. Which one do i use? She demands we use all names, and she is supported by that weirdo Hugh White from Diversity, (who appears to have the hots for Chairman Ed's new secretary.)

C Axe

.....

To: Gloria, EVP HR

From: Cynthia Axe, Early Bird Retirement

Gloria,

I have so many "fields" to fill out that I can only fire one person a day. Yesterday, I thought I had fired two people, but when I pressed "enter", they were promoted to VP, and each got a new Blackberry Q 30.

C Axe

.....

To: Gloria, EVP HR

From: Winston Wu (external)

CC: Stan, Chairman Ed, all directors
Ms Ramsbottom-Lemieux,

You are failing in ERP HR implementation. Do you want me to "lend you a helping hand"?

Dr. Winston Wu

ERP Coordinator

Wu & Sons

.....

To: Winston Wu

From: Gloria SVP HR

CC: all +directors

My Dear Winston Wu,

Thanks for your patience. A certain Ms Cynthia Axe and (heterosexual Diversity chief) Hugh White are a bit negligent. I will put them on corrective action.

All will be "even better" in 24 hours.

Gloria

Implementing ERP (HR Module); some "unexpecteds"

ERP was supposed to be simple. Mais non!

ERP project coordinator Winston Wu convened a meeting with me today to discuss the ERP HR module, and some challenges we are all encountering. 

I do not like when Wu uses the royal "We". 

I do not like Wu in general.

"Gloria, there are issues of process clarity which need to be 'cleared up" in order to implement the HR module. 

Let's take an example: If R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks and Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) decide to fire an employee, who is a Chinese, gay, Jewish and an expat, who "signs off" on this? 

Is it Comrade Carl, Ms Axe, or Hugh White (the straight white boy who runs Diversity)?  Please clear this mess up for me."-said Wu with a smirk on his face.

As Wu spoke, I was texting CEO Stan on a business partnership issue, so I was not all that attentive.

I countered, "Winnie, this is a technical matter. The answer is, "it all depends. In the end, just get your staff to adapt the IT process to the flexible nature of our HR business partnership module. Winnie, HR folks are like brain surgeons, and we cannot be bounded by protocol". 

Follow me at @GRamsbottom