More than 3 corporate values cause confusion and lack of focus.

                             

Three is better than five. Trois. Mais oui

                           

As we end the first quarter, it is clear that we need to consolidate floor space, costs and head count. This wow wow consolidation will enable growth in 2021. The only thing we will not consolidate is the amount big data and sloganeering about Internet of Things.

HR has many wow tools to consolidate, two of which are Ms Axe's Early Bird Retirement Plan and our core values. This post is about values in service of consolidation.

Values (holy and sacred) are one of the key strategic tools of HR. 

We have all of our 5 key values plastered all over elevators, in English and other tribal languages. We even have one poster in Russian and French, neither of which are the languages of global business.

In order to lead consolidation by example, HR will trim the number of values from five to three. 

Three values appear more eloquent, more resilient and more sustainable than five.

"People company" will be included as a one of the three values  but will be renamed as "engagement driven people company".

Our other 2 values are

• Functional transparency
• Flexible ethics

My mother and Holacracy

Smarten up, Girl, my Dad used to say

Ever since I have crowned as the First Lady of HR, I have a moral obligation to spread the key elements of basic HR tenets, as it were. Today I will discuss the "5 basic  principles of HR". 

Each and every morning, when I wake and before I open my Blackberry Passport, I ask myself 5 questions in a 20 second HR mindfulness session:

These are the  questions that I ask myself, daily. I suggest you do the same.

1) Do people trust me as HR manager and love me? 

2) Is our health plan fair? 

3) Do I lobby for the people, to ensure that “people” are factored into the decision making of the business leaders?

4) Am I willing to confront my boss and "speak truth to power ?"

5) Am I an advocate of compliance based business ethics? 

6) Is it worth placing a bet on holacracy?

If the answer to any of these questions is YES, then there are several courses of corrective action:

• Gather some big data about what life would be like with no salary. (I cannot ever fathom this; I want to buy a new Prius next year.)

• Hire a cost effective coach to “rewire” you with success, i.e., transactional HR. Please email me directly for a link.

• Consider self-help. Gather big data about why you always position yourself as a loser. Then as my Dad used to say, “Smarten up, Girl".

Sorry for the short post, but my Mother who is losing her memory just called. She keeps asking me "are you still working in Manpower down there in the States? Come home Gloria, and do something more creative". And "Gloria, why are you still single? You need to find someone Gloria. What is this holacracy all about? "

Ever since Axe listened to a 90 second webinar on 'self-empowerment", she has been hallucinating.

Ms Axe caused me to pop an Advil

Ms Cynthia Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan. Axe has fired 3000 staff in 4 years, whilst increasing morale.
Yet, Ms Axe is also the least popular employee for 14 consecutive quarters.

I have "issues" with the generally compliant Ms Axe. This started when our CEO's wife, Wifey, had asked all of us to read The Land of the Green Plums, and Ms Axe put down the book after 2 pages, claiming she cannot understand a word. 
Ever since then, Cynthia has not been the same Axe that I have known for years. 
Today things came to a head, as it were. I like the term "as it were".

Into my office strutted Ms Axe, at 2 pm, without knocking on the door. I was busy texting Comrade Carl Marks  on an HR business partnership issue, and I asked Ms Axe to wait patiently outside my office. Ms Axe blurted out "Gloria, I just signed up for an MA in the university and I wanted you to know that I will leaving work early on Mondays and Wednesdays at 3 pm."

In line with my core values of thought-leadership, people-come-first, and anger management, I asked Axe if this is a request or a fact.

"It is what it is, Gloria. Take it any way you want. If you wish, I can tender my resignation". 

I like the term "tender". To be honest, Ms Axe has her value, as she allows me to focus on the "people" side of things, supported up by big data, whatever that means.

I asked Axe what she was planning to study, in line with my core value of people-come-first. Axe told me that she is going to study Big Data and Senior  HR Management.
 "One day, Gloria, I want a job like yours. hopefully with a better boss than Stan and his nagging Wifey who drives us all crazy."

I have 2 brother, Frank and Ernest. 
And I want to be frank and earnest with my readers. Ever since Axe listened to a 90 second webinar on 'self-empowerment", she has been hallucinating. I plan to give her some positive and constructive feedback at the appropriate time.

In the meantime, I oked her studies, gave her a new Blackberry Passport, and I plan to enrich the role of her peer, Mr Hugh White, so that Ms Axe feels that studying has its wow rewards, and non-wow downside, as it were.

Motivating Ms Axe

Who is the most unpopular employee for 24th straight quarter.

Cynthia Axe heads our Early Bird  Retirement Plan

Cynthia Axe was chosen most unpopular employee for the 24th straight quarter. Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan (aka Load-Shedding) , which has been described by some as "involuntary".

Cynthia commissioned a coach who is supporting "The Rebranding of Ms Axe". 
As part of her branding strategy, Ms Axe started working Sundays as a parking lot attendant. Furthermore she set up a LinkedIn page, and, Axe has asked me and Comrade Carl Marks for a letter of reference.

Comrade Carl wrote: "Cynthia keeps abreast of performance levels and her action is swift and accurate. You can count on her to put skin in the game". Comrade Carl Marks

I wrote: "A certain Cynthia Axe has a zeal for executing her job with vigor, creating a unique user experience.  Axe is an obedient follower and knows an HR thought-leader when she sees one; thus her long term service with me. Her texting skills are above average making her highly employable. Her popularity is a challenge, but she responds well to fear and coaching. Ms Axe is almost as intelligent as the average bot.

Mais oui!

Entice staff to retire early via agile gamification

Leading the agile  gamification project

Ms Cynthia Axe

As we deploy our new product to Albania, South Thailand and rural Mali, Ms Cynthia Axe, the head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, needs to "liberate" 400 US, Canada and Uk based staff from work. Axe will then hire "natives" in exotic countries, in line with our core value of "cheap agile labour". This is global mobility, as it were. This is also part of our global effort, and I love the word global.

Firing 400 people is big data, even if you divide 400 into two units of 200 people each. 

Native English speakers are afforded protection from such "liberation", as per CEO Stan's agile  instructions to Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity in HR. 

There have been too few volunteers to retire (this is non wow). So, under my auspices, but not under my responsibility, I have instructed Ms Axe to use gamification to entice more nerds to leave our not so firm firm.

Here is the plan. Ms Axe is organizing a game of  football on the roof of our 25 story building in which we are located. Safety barriers will be conveniently removed  for repairs. 

• Players who score touchdowns or tackle other players will be exempt from re-sizing for 3 (trois) months. 

• Players who "fall out of the game" get free burial insurance, ex post facto, unless they smoke or booze.

This may sound dangerous, but no need to worry. Hugh White will gather up (ramaser) everyone's cell phone so that no material damage occurs. Mais non!

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Not of interest to our employees

Minor adjustments

This is a compensation-related text message sent to all managers today at 12.00 Boston/Ottawa time. However, there is no need to bring the details of this text to the attention of our employees, since the issues are minor and there is no need to distract anyone from achieving our wow stretch goals.

"As we all focus on achieving our stretch goals for Q1, please note:

1- The location of our new parking facilities have been adjusted to enable more axe-rcise.

2-Lunch menus have been adjusted to allow for all tribal tastes to be satisfied, and the new $2 a portion "Diversity Tax" is automatically deducted for all tribal meals, eaten or not. Bon apetit. (That's French)

3-Cynthia Axe announces a new Alumni Club for folks who have been downsized in her Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

The name of the Club is "Ancien élève: Jang Song-thaek" or The Uncle Jang Alumnus Club.

All employees and axed-employees to get a membership card at $4 a card, deducted from salary/pension fund.

Enhancing Employee Loyalty and Engagement

The job market is in the employers' favour:

Do I really care about loyalty?

In order to play lip service to employee engagement in 2014, I have transferred responsibility of this to our "Public Relations Department", which reports into CEO Stan's filing clerk, who is on maternity leave.

Employee Loyalty & Engagement entails too much sloganeering, and HR under my thought leadership avoids sloganeering almost totally. This does not mean that we do not want it to happen. Mais non!

We even want our alumni to remain engaged and loyal. Our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan will be greatly enhanced this coming year, and I have asked Ms Cynthia Axe to ensure the well-being (bien-etre in French) of our new recruits,many of whom quickly will become alumni. We hope that they remain loyal alumni and good will ambassadors after their short stint with us, which enhances their career.

Furthermore, I "reach out" to Procurement Management to ensure supplier loyalty, whilst keeping the suppliers on a tight leash.

I reach out to Hugh White, that white heterosexual boy who runs my Diversity Department, to ensure that our minority groups remain loyal so that we can pass government audits. I ask Hugh to ensure our Switchboard is our showcase of Diversity by hiring a hard to understand Scot or Thai.

I also beg Hugh to encourage loyalty of engineers who speak English with no foreign accent. We need a better understanding of what goes on in conference calls.

Using a socialist and left leaning Robot (trained in Sweden) to enable agile downsizing

Automating HR Business Process, in line with our key values!

I got a short text message from an HR colleague via a vis (that's French) the use of robots to "automate" the key business process of "restructuring". 

I read it whilst driving home from after having my nails done.

I consider all  text messages as Big Data and I always read Big Data related communication immediately because Big Data is hot stuff. I DO KNOW that blockchain in hotter.

So to get back to the text message itself... it appears that Swedish-trained robots can do the grisly downsizing work presently performed by a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement Plan. I have been told that the  robot (who is a Socialist)  can fire 40 people at the same time, and dispose of their body as needed in a humane fashion.

However, I am not sure this is "in line with our key values".

Given our semi wowish Q4 results and non wowish revenue projections for Q1, we need to fire 40 people a week for the next two months, many of them speak English as a native language. Some of them are even big data nerds!

I am convening a meeting of my HR team to evaluate the adaptation of the "robot-based agile recruitment" to our Early Bird Retirement Plan. Ms Axe (Cynthia) will be present her plans on how to make this socialist robot-based plan more humane and fun, while the Caucasian Head of Diversity  Hugh White will present the ethnic, religious and racial ramifications of the use this agile technology, whatever that means.

To calm ethnic fears, we will probably not be using this agile technology to fire too many non English speaking staff, since this robot-based app uses the English language as default.

All foreigners will be fired either by text in their tribal language or by Skype unless they have signed up for agile "business class" HR service".

Mlle Axe's role was NOT eliminated by a robot.

Getting more wood behind the engagement arrow

The engagement arrow

I must be honest: Cynthia  Axe has been a non performer. Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, also known as the Load Shedding/Morale Boosting Unit.

Axe recruits/sheds 40 engineers monthly, recruiting them to our "Early Bird Alumnus Club" and the level of satisfaction from her performance non non non wow. (3 nons). Staff mistrusts her whilst management believes she is too slack.

In 2015, the goal of Ms Axe will be "to get more wood behind the engagement arrow". Meaning, I want all our downsized staff to remain engaged and become good will ambassadors.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, would have told me "you are crazier than a $2 bill Gloria. Once you fire an employee, they don't give a shit about you anymore".

Dad was old fashioned. He did not have Internet of Things at his disposal.

The engagement arrow

A clubhouse for ex (axe) employees

Early Bird Retirement Clubhouse

CEO Stan's wife read an innovative, creative and wow article about maintaining contact with  former employees, IE, members of Cynthia Aqs's Early Bird Retirement Plan.

Aqs was born "Axe." Yet her reputation coach advised she change name to boost her sagging popularity.

We have had but 45,000 people who have been released from our company in the last 12 years, and the task of keeping in contact with them has been given to me Senior VP of HR and Chief People Officer. I opened a community centre, pictured above.

I had delegated the everyday management task of the community centre to Sarah Barracuda, Head of Human Resource Inventory Management. Yet Sarah herself joined Early Bird Retirement in our last resizing.

Hugh White (our Diversity Chief, who is white and straight) will take over this task. 
Hugh will  also ensure that all written material about the Early Bird Community Centre, pictured above, is translated into "foreign" languages.

Hugh will also ensure that tribal food served is "in line with our core values based on  big data". I use those terms a lot, and I am not all that sure what they mean.

Foreign languages

Contingency Workforce

Mais oui!

On my way to the airport on my way  to see 'someone" in France, I got a text from Wifey about a gr8 article she had just read (in the online version of Scotland's Daily Record)  about  "Building a Contingency Workforce".

Wifey is our CEO's beloved wife, avid reader, and sister of my arch enemy, Sybil Civil, whose career ended in Mount Nebo, when she tried to undermined me, and failed.

Wifey called me to say "Glo, let's surprise our dear Stanley with a ready made plan on Continency Workforce Planning when he gets back from Japan".

I forwarded this task by text (backed up by whatsapp) to a certain Ms Cynthia Axe, Head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan. 
Ms Axe asked  me if she could consult a certain Winston Wu, IT lead. I told Axe that if she even came within ten feet of that cunning Winston Wu, she herself would become contingent.

With ten minutes, I received the 4 point "transition plan" to Contingency Labour Force Management from Axe:

1-The Early Bird Retirement Program would be re-branded as "Contingency Work Force Outplacement Plan".The Program would be led by a certain Cynthia Axe.
2-Our Engineering Department will get paid, contingent on our new product actually working. 
3-Text messages would constantly update all our salaried workforce of jobs outside the company. The text messages will be in English.
4-All IT will be outsourced immediately and the useless and costly IT department disbanded. Winston Wu will got an old 4th hand Nokia and his role will consist of looking for ways to sharpen Cynthia's axe.
4-Cynthia Axe will get a new Blackberry Q 10.

I texted Axe: "Gr8 work Axe-but no BB  Q10." 

Then, I got a shocking text from Stan, "Why have Cynthia Axe and Winston Wu asked for a concall with me, alone?"

From HRIS to Big Data leveraging Exit Interviews, aka Axe-it interviews

Cynthia does axe-it interviews

Ms Axe (Cynthia), in the framework of data migration from HRIS to Big Data, has been carrying out exit interviews, aka, axe-it interviews, in line with her role as Head of Involuntary Early Bird Retirement. 

Winston Wu, our IT consultant wants to get his hands on this data, because he says it is big. 

I told Axe that if I even see Axe and Wu on the same elevator, Axe will be axed.

(Wu is Canadian yet Wu's grandfather may have been born in Hong Kong, on Kowloon Side near 佐敦, so Hugh White from Diversity considers him Diverse.

Some of the data from exit interviews is admittedly not wow wow, and some of the data is a semi wow. One piece of big data from exit interviews is wow wow wow. (3 wows)

• 100% of the 45,000 people Cynthia has axed in the past decade appreciate the business partnership of the HR department.

• 0.01% of the 45,000 people Cynthia has axed look back at Immature Products as a "great company under sterling leadership". (This means we need a PR campaign with a cost effective vendor).

• 0.0000000001% would recommend to a friend getting a job in our company, but 77% would recommend to a non friend to get a job here at Immature Products.