Client Success Officer

It's all about technology in context

Wifey (our CEO Stan's better half) read on article on the importance of hiring a Client Success Officer with a British accent at the corporate level. Wifey forwarded this article to all our leadership, and the first to read the article was none other than Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd.

I skimmed the article because it was 3 pages long, in line with my core value of skimming. The author explains that since the client success officer work focuses on shepherding a wow user experience end to end, minor technological and relationship "bugs" are mitigated and put into context. 

I may add that the author of the article is a coach who used to deal in faith healing and served as an economic consultant to Greece, which was in Europe.

Comrade Carl asked me by email (with a cc to Stan) to have this article translated into Chinese, Russian, Hindi. Furthermore, the Comrade added,

"Gloria, for far too long Management, Sales and HR have been pinning the blame on R&D . Our product is a pearl and our nerds should bare no blame for the "end to end context into which our technology is plugged".  All the organization should atone for the animosity to R&D, especially HR which is useless if you ask me".

Comrade Carl added a PS, which means post script which is not French.

"The situation of the average Greek is also unbearable. The capitalist pigs are ripping the flesh off the carcass, pretty much like bankers do all over the world. I suggest that employees from Finance, HR and Supply Chain all donate their yearly bonus to the Bank of Greece' s coffers. My nerds and I do not earn enough; otherwise we too would make a donation. Spasiba. Comrade Carl Marks (PPS: you have lovely legs).

I am going to visit Denmark when I get a bonus. or Scotland

Two years of Gloria

2 years! Mais oui!

Today this blog is two years old.

At the time that the blog was launched,  I was slavishly loyal to my CEO Stan, I was a superb administrator and a master of sloganeering. Which was why I was appointed as HR VP in the first place.

In the last two years, I acquired other skills in the area of big data, internet of things, analytics and human spare-part supply chain management.

And as I shared my skills and ideas with you my readers, I received recognition in the form of re-tweets, guest appearances in various professional newspapers, and even personal emails. Daily. Some of my admirers are real live nerds!

I love to hoard my success and share my failure but today is an exception. I want to say thank you.

Thanks to the 4000 people who read this blog daily. And a special thanks to those who read the blog and don't get angry, like HR managers in such remote places as Bangalore, Malaysia, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and London England....and I even have a reader from far away Denmark!

Thanks to Comrade Carl Marks, our  internet of things chief nerd, who made a product so faulty that even greasing palms in the third world does not promote sales.

And thanks to CEO Stan whose mixed messages make this blog possible.

Finally, without my useless staff, this blog would not be able to make anyone even smile. So, thanks to Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Pierre Elliot my Dad would have been so proud of me.

The 3 key business processes from which HR can create most value via Cloud Computing and Internet of Things

Quite the nerd

I remember that my English teacher (Ms. Celine Lavigne) used to tell me “Gloria, don’t give your compositions such long names. My lord, you are a practical young lady”. 

While I am not the rebellious type, I do have a mind of my own, as you see from the title of this post.

I am nerdifying myself at a drastic pace by rubbing shoulders with nerds, geeks, internet of things gurus, big data boys as well as having lunch daily with Comrade Carl Marks, our VP of Emerging Technology. I have even learnt to understand English with a Russian , Indian, Israeli and Chinese accent. 

I feel most of home in a technology environment, in line with my key value of "HR must become nerdy to save our burning asses", as it were.

I have identified the 3 major HR (and RH) business processes which I shall upgrade and migrate to a cloud, augmented by big data and in the context of internet of things.

1.      The first process is: “Recruitment-El Squeezo-Early Bird Retirement”.

2.      The second process is: “From HR as clerk to Deep Respect for HR Business Partnership”, even as Cynthia swings her axe with unmitigated grace.

3.      The third process is: “From compensation to flexible pray to get pay”.

Hugh White from Diversity was jocund about the use of the term “el squeezo”.

Cynthia Axe was pleasantly surprised she was mentioned by name.

BTW, I plan to use IBM as a single source vendor, unless they cease being cool.

Comrade Carl returns from France

Always the rebel

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, disappeared last week and resurfaced today.  I thought that Comrade Carl was at home balancing his medications. One of our nerds stated that all the big data indicated that the Comrade  had been in Moscow, at a CPSU congress. But intuition and technology had let us down. The comrade had been in Paris.

Comrade Carl stumbled into our management meeting at 930, having arrived straight from the Airport. "Kibinimat Gloria, HR travel policy sucks.  Why did I need to change planes in Gander Newfoundland just so that HR can save a few rubles? Yob tvoy mat- I never even knew Newfoundland existed! Next time, I will fly Air France, even if  they are on strike!".

Immediately Carl opened his Iphone and played us Sous les ponts de Paris. Our CEO Stan, very much Yankee Doodle, asked me "Ramsbottom, you speak French. What the hell is she singing about?"

Then Stan bellowed at Comrade Carl, "turn off your goddamned  phone Comrade Carl. This is not a nightclub, for Christ sake".

Stan always ends our management meeting with a "give us a brief update of your domain".

Comrade Carl gave his  brief summary. "I visited the French office and met with our French comrades. Kibinimat, they are an analytic lot. Whilst our Russian nerds code day and night without asking questions as if they were fighting the Battle of Stalingrad, our French engineering comrades do not like taking any risks until they analyse each task in great depth. Clearly this is an HR problem, stemming from poor recruitment and lack of appropriate HR techniques. This is a huge surprise, because Gloria is half French, if my memory serves me right."

Suddenly I got a text: "Gloria, I know you are not half French, but I am making a point. With affection and kisses, Comrade Carl".

Then Carl continued, "Bottom line, HR is useless. I cannot understand why we can't find Russian software engineers in Paris. We need code, and lots of it. Too much analysis will kill us". 

Stan turned to me and said, "Comrade Carl has a point. Fix that Gloria...in a week update us on the solution".

Je suis Carl

A rally

The police woke me up  at 8 am and served me a summons for disturbing the peace. 

I was fast asleep clutching my Blackberry so I thought that this is all a misunderstanding. 

However when I opened the summons, I had been charged not personally but in my capacity as very senior HR director. Apparently there is an illegal demonstration going on outside our office disturbing the peace.

My Dad Pierre Elliot said that police need to be pitied, because they have to deal with the "under-life" and they are all underpaid. (Dad had no understanding of labour costs.)

The police whipped out his ugly Iphone and said, "let me show this to you ma'am". I invited him in, in line with the my core value of not getting a cold.

He showed me a tape of Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks and his entire crew of engineers (big data and internet of things) blocking off the road that leads to our firm. 

There must have been 400 of them, many of whom look foreign. They were all speaking different tongues, like the in the Tower of Babel, as it were. I remember that from Bible Class.

Comrade Carl boomed out: Kibinimat, I am sick and tired of Engineers taking the blame for unsophisticated customers complaints and piss poor  performance of our Sale steam. We demand social justice. We demand better compensation. We demand less focus on quality and more focus on innovative software. And we demand that HR free lunchers all get the ax. 

The workers waived their fists in the air and chanted : 

Je suis Carl. 

Swing swing tabernac, RH au poteau! (HR to the pillory)

That's French.

Agile enables engagement of the nerd to be more appreciative

Prevent morbidity

On the plane back to work from Moose Jaw after the vacation, my smartphone was off. In order not to become a nervous wreck due to anxiety caused to lack of texting availability, I read a short article in the Air Canada magazine, En Route, which is French.

The name of the article was “Agility Prevents Fragility”, which I found to be rather clever. My father, Pierre Elliot, loved the work of Robert Service, who excelled in rhyming. Whenever I watch this link, I remember my Dad and think how proud he would be of my HR thought leadership.

The agility article shocked me because, unlike the Internet of Things, I understood immediately what I had not been smart enough to implement, although I am political and practical. As my Dad often pointed out, “you are a very very practical girl, Gloria. Your husband won’t need to do too much, will he?”

With all the respect for big data and the internet of things, I think agility is built to last, as it were. “As it were” is also built to last.

The moment I landed, I had a conference call with Cynthia Axe my downsizer and Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs Diversity. I demanded, nicely, that they demonstrate agility when supporting me.

Then, I sent a text to all our nerds in which I explained why compensation is not all that important; I asked them, assertively, to demonstrate more cognitive agility in assessing our reward structure.

I texted customer service "attendants" and explained to them how agile service can make our "shitty" product shine. (These is a term our unsophisticated clients use).

After which I pulled three slogans out of my sleeve: Lack of agility causes morbidity; agility increases fertility; be agile today, or meet Ms Axe tomorrow.

Finally, I changed the voice greeting of the HR voice menu, adding “for agile HR support, press 8".

Frequent Flier Travel Miles to be donated to company ...by nerds

Social Responsibility

To: Comrade Carl Marks, Chief Internet of Things Nerd

From: Gloria Ramsbottom, SVP HR 

CC: All

Comrade Carl,

In line with our core value of Social Responsibility, and in line with the fat salaries that you are paying your Internet of Things nerds, it has been decided that Frequent Flier Points accrued by your team will be donated to the company, starting today. 

By law, I need to inform you of this change by writing, yet I ask that this email remain just between the two of us. I do not want to bog down your engineers reading yet another document in English. As you know, many of your nerds come from foreign lands. It would a pity to have them waste their time reading administrative material. 

Please note that this policy also applies for private travel to employees' tribal homelands, if we are "safeguarding their passports".

HR appreciates your patronage and it is a pleasure to be your business partner. HR cares about our technical staff, especially those providing added value in Internet of Things.

One other point, my dear Comrade Carl. Airport lounge facilities for your staff caught in 14 hour waits between flights cost out firm $900 a year, and I have rescinded this for the time being. 

However, as we enter our 2019 growth phase, I will reconsider the lounge membership.

Spasiba and merci

Gloria

To: Gloria, All Engineers

From: Comrade Carl Marks

Boys,

Look what the ladies of HR have decided, kibinimat.

Ignore it! I will organize a union to rid our company of HR overhead and aggressive and senseless cost cutting.

Comrade Carl

Unique New Years' Resolution of a Nerdish HR Manager

Daily

I am sitting in the business class lounge of Moose Jaw Aeroport (French) in Canada , heading home after spending the Christmas and New Years holiday with my mother Constance, who is loosing her memory. 

Before I left Maman served tea and crumpets and she asked me the same questions time and time again. 

• When are you going back down to the States to your job in Manpower?
• Why don't you ever close your cellphone, Gloria? What a horrid habit that is!
• Do you live with anyone, Ms Ramsbottom?
• Do you know how proud I would be of you if you did something more creative?

My Dad used to tell Maman not to serve "those tasteless dry crumpets, Constance, for Christ's sake". I remembered that, kissed Maman goodbye, and skated back to the airport.

I made 5 new year resolutions, one of which is to be more patient with the old Bird, as my Dad would have called Maman.

Here are the other 4 resolutions, which I texted ahead to my team, Cynthia Axe and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who manages Diversity,

Innovation: On a weekly basis, ensure that the ladies of HR adopt and master a new HR technology, daily.

Nerdify HR: Ensure that Internet of Things, Big Data, Cloud Computing as well as each and every buzzword is assimilated "in a timely fashion" to create and leverage a nerd-like taint to HR.

Global: On a periodic basis, re-tweet in French, daily-to ensure a global posturing.

Sustainable: Stay ahead of the curve by use of small data, gossip and innocuous facts, daily.

Perfuming the Pig

The Germans are coming

A German company will start due diligence tomorrow morning. Our not so firm firm is a perfect candidate for a take-over. 

I read once a one hundred word article that claimed that mergers and acquisitions often fail, but the Germans often know why because they are experts in detail.

This morning we dedicated our management meeting to what CEO Stan called ``Perfuming the Pig``, ie- putting make up over some of our semi wow blemishes.

I remember that when my mother Constance would put on make up before she and my late Dad Pierre Elliot went to a movie, Dad would say, `Christ Constance, I can hardly recognize you. You look great``. Dad never used the expression `perfume the pig`, and Mom would have rung his neck had he done so.

Comrade Carl our chief nerd, speaking with a slight Russian accent, said that he could make 95% of our bugs into features, by harping on the internet of things. CEO Stan said, `Comrade Carl, don`t fuck up. These Germans aren`t stupid. They almost conquered Stalingrad``. 

I had prepared for this management meeting, in line with my core value of staying in control. I said, `` Our HR unit has both a high skill set, a high level of motivation, fine leadership, and I see myself as a candidate to take over all of HR after the merger.``

Stan corrected me- `It`s an acquisition Ramsbottom``.

So I corrected myself. ``I can return to purchasing, or be a senior admin, or work in Big Data in charge of gossip``. 

Stan ended the meeting with a motivational speech. `Carl, if you fuck up, you`ll go to  Russia on a way ticket. Gloria, it's really cold up there in Canada so if you want to stay down here in the States, get it right. Make sure the troops are engaged when the Germans arrive. Put wood behind the engagement arrow. That`s HR`s job. And make sure Ms Cynthia Axe is well dressed, if you get my drift.``

Holidays at home can be depressing

I broke 2 vows

When I flew home to Moose Jaw, Canada for the Christmas holidays, I vowed that I would not allow my mother (Constance) to get under my skin, and I also vowed to stay away from email and texting.

So far, progress on these two vows has been semi wow.

Maman (Mom) is loosing her memory and as a result, she repeated a few questions:

   Gloria, when are you coming home for Christmas?

   Gloria, are you still in Manpower?

   Gloria, do you ever plan to "settle down"?

Developing matrices is a major part of HR business partnership, so I noted that she asked each question about three times an hour.

When Maman really got on my nerves an hour after I arrived, I opened my email, where I found a greeting from CEO Stan.

To Gloria, HR

From Stan, CEO

Gloria,

How is it in Canada?  Must be colder that a witch's tit "up there".

I hope you take the time to be with your mother and siblings, as well as reflect on a few issues, if you have time.

You need to find a way to boost morale, and at the same time, realign our health plan to our core values of thriftiness. I reviewed the numbers, and people complain too much, and our health plan is too fucking expensive.

What is all this diversity shit about, Gloria? I don't care who is normal and who is not-we need to make the numbers. So, what do you suggest in terms of trimming 80% off Hugh White's $3000 budget? That will create more of a focus.

Finally, there is too much tension between you and Comrade Carl. Carl is a prince! He bought Wifey some caviar and gave her an article to read on Internet of Things. Build a bridge to the Comrade, Gloria.

Oh yes, one last thing. We need some hype when you get back. A German company is going to be doing due diligence and I want the troops to be positive. You are great at that hype stuff.

Merry Christmas.

Stan

Internet of things, sexual history and career path

Comrade Carl Marks, VP Emerging Technologies, sent me a Whats-app message: "Gloria, I notice you are immersing yourself in

the internet of things/IoT. Let's have supper tonight and I will give you my input on using IoT to garner more power. Let's go to a Russian restaurant. Comrade Carl Marks".

To be frank and earnest, I do not like Russian food; I prefer Oriental food, aka "les mets chinois" in French . But I certainly do like enhancing my power base. So I texted Carl:  "Comrade Carl, send me the address and I will meet you at 7 pm."

Comrade Carl had apparently had a few vodkas by the time I arrived. When I walked into our booth, he hugged me and said, "Jesus, Gloria you have nice legs. I hate HR but "they" don't  make HR ladies like you any more. Together, we shall change the world". Carl was wearing a T shirt inscribed with "Internet of Things is better than sex"

I realized that the alcohol and Comrade Carl's medication were "interacting".

After some chit chat and idle gossip, Carl stood up and asked me , "Gloria, did you know that the internet of things is tool that will allow HR to create causal and non causal explanations between promotions, sexual history, respect for HR, loyalty, engagement and marketability? Can you imagine what HR will look like? The ladies of HR would have more power than Trump, Stalin, Netanyahu, Queen Elizabeth or Erdogan!" Then Carl sat down.

The truth is that I do not know who these people are, since my "forte" was French and not history or literature. But I nodded my head in tacit understanding. What a word-tacit!  

( I think Erdogan is an abortion advocate).

Then Carl whispered in my ear, "all I asking from you, Gloria, is to ask the board to invest $400,000 in an HR data base and I will take in from there. In two years, a new HR will appear, and together, we can dispose of CEO Stan, whom we both agree is useless as tits on a bull". Carl looked as happy as a Chesire cat. I was mildly shocked.

I told Carl to mind his foul language since I am posh, have an new English accent,  and have accountability on all Diversity issues. 

Stan, is the Comrade organizing a coup? (French word)

Crafting an end of year message for our nerds

Put a spin on this, Ramsbottom

I had planned to go home early when CEO Stan texted me to come to his office "to craft my messages for the God damn 2019 new years' party".  During our short meeting, his crafty wife (Wifey) had called in to hear my advice. 

Stan said: "Gloria, we have falling revenues, our investors are pissing in their pants and Comrade Carl's vision about blending our product's deficiencies into a blockchain is a crock of shit. The main asset of our company is my leadership and the confiscated passports of the foreign engineers.It is HR's role to put a spin and deliver this message positively." 

Readers, this challenge is easier than periodic updating of our ethics code to be more flexible, as it were. And equipped with my spiffy new English accent, I feel that I know how to communicate. It's my forté , which is a French word.

So I told Stan that we need to talk about the 2019 growth plan, and thank the staff for their patience.  Furthermore, the silver bullet capabilities of blockchains, augmented by big data and cloud computing, provide us with a platform to be a wow wow wow company. Then, reassure the engineers that their confiscated passports are in safekeeping in our Moscow office, and dusted off each day.

I also told Stan that few of the staff speak English or even celebrate new years, so in general, all he just needs to exude joy. Exude is such a posh word. 

Stan started to cry and he hugged me, in a paternal way. Wifey (who thought that I had left the room)  was heard saying: "I told you Stanley, your greatest asset is that Canadian HR manager of yours. She is a street fighter if I ever saw one. Did you notice her English accent? So impressive.

Specialite de la maison

The Christmas Party Fiasco

C'est pas un cadeau

"Gloria, I want the Christmas party to increase employee engagement, especially for the nerds and geeks. Please lead this process in a democratic fashion, but I hold you responsible for the results. Stan."

I received the above text from CEO Stan 2 months ago. Ever since then, I have had indigestion, as it were.

My Dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, was not a great believer in democracy. 

Dad used to get very upset when reading the newspapers and used to say "Hitler would be Governor General of Canada if we ran the RCAF via democracy." 

The RCAF, for my American readers who tend not to be worldly, is the Royal Canadian Airforce.

I feel somewhat like Dad. Today we had a meeting of the CPTF, the Christmas Party Task Force, which is run as a democratic tree-hugging, consensus driven committee which is not allowed to vote.

The CPTF committee met to put on the final touches on next weeks' party, and once again everyone reverted back to issues that I had assumed were "water under the bridge", another term Dad used a lot.

The straight white  boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White, restated that 30% of the staff are Christians. Whined Hugh: "The vast majority of our staff are Hindu, Islam, Confucian, Jewish or other, so why are we imposing ourselves? This is not Diversity compliant." 

It is important for me to mention that Hugh and his wife Comrade Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev) belong to the 30%, in line with my core value of Diversity.

Downsizer/Load-shredder Cynthia Axe did not even pretend to give a hoot about the party. Axe emphasized that "if I need to fire anyone during the party, I'm outta here". Under duress, Axe speaks with sloppy English. As I acquire my posh English accent, it appears to me more and more that in some ways, Axe is poor white trash. 

Emerging Technologies Chief Comrade Carl Marks, it appears, has ordered the Russian Red Army Choir to be piped in by video to the party, at a cost of 500,000 rubles. I told Carl he was way over budget. 

Comrade Carl stood up, drank something from a flask that smelt of brandy and said: "Budgets are for pussy cats, Gloria. Kibinimat budget. Go "screw yourselves" with the budget. We need vision, not a budget. We need motivated nerds, not a budget. We need to bury our products bugs in the internet of things-not a budget. 

HR is useless. Let's set up a union, like the French do all the time".

CEO Stan asked me by text-"is the party ready? The party is HR's domain. But try and accommodate the ever so eccentric Comrade Carl. Stan"

Ever so eccentric

                                                          

My CEO claims, "I may not need HR"

Stan wants us all to be nice

CEO Stan sent a text to Hugh White (the heterosexual White Boy who runs Diversity), a certain Ms Cynthia Axe who heads "People Shredding/Downsizing Department" and to me: "be in my office at 800 am, and don't dare to be late".

My dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that when you are well paid, you need to put up with "a lot of shit". I am well paid.

The meeting began on time yet Stan continuously gawked at Ms Axe, of whom he keeps abreast.

Stan showed 5 slides in a ppt called, "Why I may not need an HR Dept".

Slide One: People here are not fucking civil or nice to one another.

Slide Two: Emerging-technologies and Sales have fist fights.

Slide Three: When I took a leak yesterday, I heard people gossiping that leadership here sucks. They were referring to me!

Slide Four: Either HR is worth our investment, or all 3 of you are out on your fucking asses.

Slide Five: I want a civil and "nice" environment within a week. Now get your HR business-partnership butts out of here and shake a leg.

I would define the meeting with Stan as challenging or non wow. So I need a consultant.

As readers of this blog know,  I think coaching/consulting is dead. However, if there is one thing I can tell you about these  snake oil consultants is that they are nice. 

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that I should always be careful of people who are "too nice".

I picked up my phone and called 3 OD consultants. They were all asked to prepare a "Be Civil and Nice" campaign. I told them that the work is pro bono, and each agreed as long as I signed my autograph on their business card.

I told each OD consultant that they would also be charged $500 for my management time, and all agreed.

At the end of the day, I chose an English-speaking, smooth, impressive, tall, single and charming  consultant, who also is an blockchain expert, who agree to tutor me in with tips and OD techniques.

When the blockchain geeks take over

#2

I heard lots of noise from the R&D conference room. The noise consisted of nerds speaking in foreign tongues, loud Hindi, Russian, Hebrew, Ukrainian and Cantonese music blazing from mobile phones, and Comrade Carl Marks holding a megaphone, addressing his motley group of blockchain engineers.

Comrade Carl bellowed: "Without your support, I would never have been appointed as second in command. Kibinimat, I am going to change things. We will not waste our time on quality. We will bury tactical bugs in the internet of things. I will set up a union and liberate all of us from the ladies of HR's tyranny". 

Even by Carl's standards, I was shocked by his hallucinations.

Suddenly, I got a text from Cynthia Axe the head of "Load-shedding" and Early Bird Retirement. "Have you heard about Carl's promotion to be number 2"?

When Axe wrote "have you heard", I knew she smelt blood. No one is as bloodthirsty as a junior HR employee.

I walked at a quick clip into CEO Stan's room. I did not even knock at the door, although I am posh. Stan was standing at the door as I came in and he said:

 "Gloria, you are the first lady of HR-so I am giving you a new Toyota Prius. Here are the key's! Let's go to the parking lot!"

I want to reaffirm that a key component of the success of a senior HR manager is business partnership with the boss.

My new Prius says it all- I am an agile, highly valued and well paid HR business partner.

Comrade Carl and I will iron out our many differences.

Business partner