3 reasons why big data and IoT nerds need digital detox NOW

Comrade Carl, Chief Nerd, is Against Digital Detox

CEO Stan installed video cameras in the open space of the Internet of Things and Big Data teams, in line with our core values of trust-building. 

Stan defined the  mission statement for the cameras as "discovering what the nerds do all day, because they sure ain't delivering products that our clients use". 

When I purchased the video cams, I avoided the term surveillance in the ERP software purchase order.

This morning, CEO Stan texted me to come his office. The walk from my office to his takes 5 seconds. After 3 seconds, I received a second text saying, "Hurry up Gloria for Christ's sake." 
I correctly assumed than Stan was upset. As HR manager, I use both big data and feline instinct to prepare myself.

"Gloria", he said as I entered his office, "I want to you confiscate all smartphones in R&D, and ensure that Comrade's Carl's nerds undergo digital detox within 48 hours!" Stan sees HR's police role as a major component of HR business partnership.

To justify his request, Stan showed me 3 sections of video camera from the last week.

• Scene one shows all the nerds listening to a podcast on their smartphones in which Comrade Carl explains, "boys, paying for sex is cheaper than not paying for sex".

• Scene two shows big data  nerds texting their families back home as they write code. Sanjay from Bangalore was texting on 3 phones in 6 languages. Ivan Ivanovitch from the Ukraine was texting on 5 phones. And the argumentative Israeli nerd Nadav was speaking on 2 phones and texting on 8! (Lisl the German nerd only had one phone.)

• Scene three shows Comrade Carl addressing all the nerds by Whatsapp video clip on how to escape video surveillance of the "the leadership pigs".  Comrade Carl compared Stan and HR to western bankers, "out to screw the average guy like you and me, like they are doing in Greece".

Out of character, Stan told me to use a French detox vendor, "because the French are good at infrastructure projects". My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say the same thing!

Boeuf? Copper?

From a hostile to a civil working environment- in three short steps

Ms Axe has this sign on her desk

The results of the second quarter indicate that whilst out new product has been released, the number of purchase orders we have received is "semi-sustainable". 

To make matters even less wow, the number of bugs that engineering is dealing with is overwhelming. Some would call our situation "big data"-driven.

Instead of dealing this non now situation, Comrade Carl Marks, SVP Engineering, is said to be in Kiev learning Ukrainian. His personality appears to be disintegrating.

From an HR perspective, I must "adjust costs to reality" , as CEO Stan so aptly puts in. This is where having an HR business partner comes in handy!

My Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, has thus received new quotas; she needs to fire 300 staff by the end of this week.  

I am not pleased by Ms Axe`s style as of late. One would think Ms Cynthia Axe is French, since she is threatening to ``strike``, not in the usual sense of the term.

Cynthia`s role has caused a "hostile working environment", claims a lawyer who has nothing better to do than sue us. I need to be in court on Thursday!

In order to promote a wow environment before I appear in court, I have introduced some process changes to ensure that our environment is civil.

1) Ms Axe will be holding her ax when each employee enters her room, so there is no undue anxiety due to dilly dallying.

2) A voice enabled Danish HR robot will have a `severance` discussion with each  employee to lessen anxiety.

3) In order to ensure Ms Axe works and does not send text messages, a new sign has been posted opposite her desk.

Causing a hostile environment