What happens when no one speaks English

Mais oui-I am so popular

Just a few days before the release of our new product, I walked into Comrade Carl Marks office our R&D Executive Senior VP.

The arrogant Comrade Carl  sat in his room sipping some cognac during a consultation with 2 engineers. One was a (lily White) engineer from the southern tip of Africa named Rene de Villiers and the second was Thiri  (from "somewhere" in Asia), an employee with one name only, whom our ERP HR module registered as a "thing".

Thiri speaks some English (79% is incomprehensible) while old de Villers speaks a weird brand of English where the letter E has disappeared...as in "lits have brikfast". 

Thiri and de Villiers came to Comrade Carl because they did not understand one another. Comrade Carl understands everyone. That's because no one in Engineering speaks real English.

Comrade Carl refused to discuss the engineering problem that de Villiers and Thiri had surfaced. Instead he asked me; "is there any reason R&D should not manage HR, Supply Chain, and Finance"?

Comrade Carl, who appears to have forget his medicines this morning suddenly yelled out, "I am sick and tired of kissing the ass of that bitch Ramsbottom to get more money for bonuses. HR- Pizduk!"

Now Thiri and de Villiers were in a bind...to support me or Comrade Carl.

Instead of supporting Comrade Carl, they walked out as he ranted on. Why did I get this unexpected passive support from the nerds?

• Thiri still cannot get a salary because our ERP only recognizes people with more than one name; each month, I register Thiri as "Thiri Ramsbottom" and I transfer his salary to him.

• De Villiers needs my services because Hugh White, that idiotic white heterosexual from Diversity, claims that de Villiers lacks aid entitlement for relocating from Africa because "you do not look African, de Villiers". 

Travel policy for pregnant men and women

                                                                    Let them eat cake

                                                               qu'ils mangent de la brioche 

A pregnant internet of things nerd named Svetlana (with good English despite her name) approached me today and asked about a travel policy issue. She needs to go to San Francisco for a week; she is based in Toronto, which is in Canada. Svetlana asked to travel by plane.

Our present travel policy provides reimbursement for Greyhound bus trips within the US and Canada as well as economy class tickets on all major discounted "ethnic" carriers like Air Turkmenistan, Air Italia, SAS and El Al for international travel.

I sent the pregnant Svetlana to our venerable down-sizing diva Ms Cynthia Axe, who was not in her office and was not answering her Iphone 4.

I redirected  young Svetlana to Mr. Hugh White, the white, bizarre, heterosexual boy who runs Diversity. When Hugh noticed that the employee was white and in no way irregular besides being pregnant, he referred Svetlana back to me.

I texted Stan: "Stan, do I have any flexibility on travel policy with pregnant employees on Toronto-San Francisco trip? 

Gloria Lemieux, Chief People Officer".

After I received Stan's answer, I texted the answer to the aforesaid Svetlana.....who will be going round trip in a comfortable Greyhound bus.

• We support pregnancies, especially for women (and men) who do not work for us, (but not only)!
• We encourage pregnant employees to live a fulfilling life, and in no way feel "discriminated" against.
• HR supports pregnant women' (and men) struggle for be equal partners in our "passion to win"-driven company."
• Greyhound has a 1800 number to pre-book seats. Supply Chain will provide this number upon proof of pregnancy.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

Comrade Carl Marks protests about the new photos in our firm

New photo on Stan's wall, staring Comrade Carl Marks in the face.

CEO Stan heard that his daughter Carla had been impregnated (knocked up) by a certain Comrade Carl Marks, R&D Chief. Carla worked for  Comrade Carl this summer in Software Quality Insurance. However, it appeared that Comrade Carl and Carla were into "hardware", more than software.

Suddenly, new pictures were hanging on the wall of our firm. HR was almost not involved.

The above picture above was "introduced" to CEO Stan's room on the weekend; Wifey came in and hung it up. When Comrade Carl Marks sits "chez Stan", it is staring him in the face. Chez is a French word.  

The picture shows Kim Jon-Un's Uncle being escorted out, have been downsized by a North Korean version of Ms Cynthia Axe (my down sizer).

I guess Wifey may have wanted to give Stan and Comrade Carl a message.




Then Stan also "ordered me" to hang this second picture in the very office of  R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks. 

Comrade Carl called me into his office and yelled: "Gloria, yopt tvoy mat, who hung this in my office. What are they trying to tell me-kibinimat?"

I thought to myself. "Ostie, when Carl swears at me in Russian, I really get upset. It is against our English only policy."

How to break into HR and start a wow career

Almost never be non discrete

I gave a lecture "How to Break into HR and start a wow career" this very morning to a Community College. The audience was a secretarial course, interspersed  with a few people from  a Purchasing and Supply Chain course. 

This was the ideal milieu to lecture to. Milieu is a French word.I delivered the lecture by Skype, as I was driving into work. (I was texting at the same time, on 2 phones!)

Here were the main points of what I said. They are like 10 commandments, although I do not frequent houses of worship.

1. Love of people is almost absolutely critical, and pleasing your boss is even more critical, without an `almost``.  If your boss views  people as spare parts, then he needs to watch a webinar on soft skills.
2. Texting is the essence communication. Texting (sending sms) is a mission critical skill for an HR manager. 400 words a minute on a Blackberry Priv is industry standard. 
3. COPensation and travel policy can be relegated to Finance because no one is ever happy and people need to love HR.
4. Big Data, if you ever understand what it is, may, or may not, be important. I think big data is erotic.
5. Designing Voice Menus for HR services is more important than texting.
6. Practice sitting down at a mahogany table, elegantly but with assertiveness. Sit like a ``lady``.
7. Hire someone like Cynthia Axe and pay her well, that your days may be long upon the Earth.
8. Don't use buzzwords; use words with impact like ``paperless``, ``stretch goals``, "leverage", "global", "internet-of-things", "sustainable" all the time.
9. Be discrete.
10. When you hear rumors, text them to your boss, although you must remain discrete.

International Women's' Day 2032

The Human Resource department met with Stan and discussed International Women's' Day. Stan was busy and spent 90% of the time on phone calls yet his key messages were crisp and concise.

Stan supports International Women's Day and all other tribal and esoteric days of our diverse work force.

Stan supports the right of working mothers to a discounted compulsory webinar on virtual parenting.

• Stan pointed out that HR, a strategic business partner with a seat at the table, is headed by a woman, Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux. 
• Stan also mentioned the work done by one of the HR employees who heads "resizing", a certain Ms Cynthia Axe.
• Stan pointed out that he supports the birth of a first child at 55, "as per business needs, and the good of the mother."
• Stan supports outsourcing of pregnancy to the third world for western hemisphere-based female members of our sales force and for female developers in our Immature Products Division.