Turn off your cellphones, for God's sake

Fowl, or foul

Whenever my Mom (Constance) would cook chicken for the family, she always asked my Dad "how's the chicken, Pierre Elliot?" Dad would always answer, "it's fowl, Constance".

At Christmas I was home in Moose Jaw (Canada) and Constance (who is losing her memory) told me that "your constant preoccupation with your cellphone is a foul habit, Gloria. Show your mother some respect". Then she would ask me time and time again "are you still in manpower?"

Today, CEO Stan started off our management meeting with a positive statement. Yesterday Stan watched a webinar on "The Power of the Positive". Stan said, "Turn off all your god damn phones during our management meetings. All of you suffer from a foul attention deficit disorder, for Christ sake. Comrade Carl, especially you! I think your foreign nerds might have been sending whatsapp messages while they were writing our software code".

I told Stan that HR business partnership is based on my responsiveness to text messages. Stan countered "but Gloria you are in the meeting with all your constituents. Turn off your Blackberry girl. Better than that, give it to me" And he came over to me, looked at my legs, and took away my Blackberry phone, noting it was "Canadian crap".

I did not panic. True, my hands did shake, but I did some breathing exercises and said to my self, "HR Business Partnership carries a price".

Fat Financial package and incentives available to recruit geeks for Internet of Things

Installments

Do you personally  know of any geeks who want to join a wow wow wow company? That's 3 wows. My "ask" is to review the gory details, and spread the word.

Comrade Carl Mark's R&D Department is about to recruit 10 fresh geeks to develop the interface between our newest product and the internet of things. 

The geeks will be tasked with "embedding" some of our existing products' deficiencies into the internet of things, which will enable our existing developers to move on to better and more sexier things, without wasting time on "operability issues".

Many readers of this blog may ask, "why join the company where Gloria works?" There is no need to ask that question. That's why my "positive-thinking" coach told me. He pumps gas and sells herbal cures to supplement his income.

The financial package we offer is truly incredible. All geeks get a fat loan, a Blackberry Passport, a picture of Cynthia Axe at our Health Club doing push ups and an exemption from being fired by text for 2 months. Furthermore, each new recruit will get to view a management webinar from Poland-based based Wiser@work.

The fat loan I was referring to is delivered to each recruit in installments, from the word, stall. Exact details are being worked out by our attorneys.

Our company's core belief is that "to the internet of things, our future clings". What does this mean? It means that HR will stand behind you in the rare case that you encounter difficulties, as it were. 

My Dad, Pierre Elliot used to joke about "standing behind you". However, this blog, and its readers are posh. Some readers have a British accent, or at least speak good English.

Come join us

What language did your ancestors speak?

A fair question

Most readers of this blog know that I have two brothers, Frank and Ernest, who worked for Blackberry, which is a Canadian company.

To be frank and earnest, I do not understand why we received a lawyer's letter, initiated by  a lady candidate whom we turned down for a job in our Global and Sustainable Service Department.

She claimed she was asked 4 unfair questions.

   1) What language did your ancestors speak?

   2) Do you agree that pregnancy interferes with high performance and achieving stretch goals?

   3) If you are married, what food do you cook your husband for supper?

   4) Are the ladies of HR true business partners?

I called our corporate lawyer (who works on a razor thin retainer) and told him that the candidate was probably inventing the entire story. The lawyer played me a tape, and indeed, I heard my own shrill voice doing the interview.

When I think back, this interview took place after a huge argument I had with Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks, who took me out for lunch (Au Beau Pain) to reconcile but "talks broke down".

The day of the interview, Comrade Carl brought out the worst in me, claiming that AI and holacracy will eliminate HR. 

Nevertheless, I see no problem with the interview questions that I asked. (Dad always told me that I am very stubborn). 

To get to the top of the HR ladder, my beauty was not enough. I needed to be stubborn, understand big data, develop AI and holacracy to the next level, and embrace cloud computing whilst mitigating DEI.  Mais oui-that's quite a job, if you get my drift.

And there is a drift to get.

Close the smart phone in intimate moments, daily

Close the phone in intimate moments

Dear Readers,

Do not get the impression that I am addicted to my smartphone.

There are moments of intimacy when I put my Samsung Note 9  on "silent". These moments are listed in my own big data cache from which I will share a few examples.

The other day, CEO Stan told me that I was a great business partner. When I hear these words, I feel so close to Stan that I close my phone.....and then ask Stan to demote R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks.

I overheard an ugly discussion between Mrs Ludmilla White and her husband Mr Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity. I silenced my phone to focus on their intimacy as my ear was pressed to the wall of Hugh's office.

I have purchased an HR training horse named Jean-Marie. Jean-Marie will replace all coaches and change managers.

When I mount Jean-Marie and gallop thru the fields, my phone is on "vibrate" only. Jean Marie runs so quickly, I cannot feel the phone as it vibrates.

Choose your own moments of intimacy, close your phones, and savour the moments.

Gloria 

Chief People Officer, Senior Coach, EVP HR, and master texter

Who does an HR manager/ thought leader want to date?

Je cherche un copain

When exasperated by my "untamed and unfocused" ambition as well as my shrill, demanding voice, Dad (Pierre Elliot) would tell me "We all know that you are not "easy", Gloria".

Dad warned me that finding a man will be challenging. "Men want peace and quiet. You are not there yet, mon chou".

Well I am 32 years old and I have become a thought leader as well as dignified, senior vice president of HR with a Blackberry Classic. And yes, I may be looking for a boyfriend, or, un copain.

I discussed this desire of mine with my coach, who also flips burgers, works in talent management and is studying Kaballah (not a French word)  although he is Presbyterian. He suggested that I tell all my admirers what I am looking for here on my blog .

My requirements are pretty simple; after all I am from a small town in Saskatchewan called Moose Jaw. I am looking for a lad with a lot of patience, very, very (2 verys) ambitious and over 6 feet tall. 

The only "non negotiable requirement" is that he must be a leading figure in big data. He must be able to translate big data data into a concrete work plan both for me, my subordinates (Axe and White), and provide me with a competitive and sustainable advantage in HR for a period of twenty years, when someone may replace me.

Residency in France helpful (I fly first class, svp).

Harnessing talent

Updating the Reverend Axe

Cynthia Axe managers our Early Bird Retirement Plan. She is a uni-lingual American who has been chosen least popular employee for 87 quarters straight.

The Reverend Oliver Axe, Cynthia's father, sent me postcard from Oklahoma, where Cynthia was born and where the Reverend Axe tends to his flock till today.

The Reverend Axe worries about Cynthia's "moral fibre"; this is a term Dad (Pierre Elliot)  never used. My Dad (Pierre Elliot)  was in the Royal Canadian Airforce, and not a preacher, thank god.

I wrote a very polite letter to the Reverend Axe that his little "petit choux" Cynthia, is executing her role well. 

However, I spared him the details of the text I received from CEO Stan today which read, "Gloria, did you harness the talent of young Ms Axe; please keep me abreast." 

I did not tell the Reverend Axe that recently, Cynthia received a new Blackberry Passport from Stan which stores lurid texts messages, as well as small, medium and big data.

I am not the worrying type, but when Stan uses terms like keeping abreast, or harness or Young Ms Cynthia Axe in one breath, I stop to think. I did not share these thoughts with the Reverend Axe.

I need to put this incident out of my mind. Luckily, I have so many texts to answer, that I do not think for too long. HR managers need to manage the contradiction between being, doing and thinking. I am pretty good at this; I just do.

HR - RH adapt agile process for new smartphone allocation

Ramsbottom and Ms Axe

Ms Cynthia Axe (Head of semi-voluntary Early Bird Retirement) asked CEO Stan for a new Samsung Note 9 Stan, always the man, fell into the trap, as he told Axe: "I have no problem with that, Baby-just have Gloria sign off on it to ensure we follow procedure". 

My Dad (Pierre Elliot) would have said that Ms Axe dressed like a slut the day she asked for the new gadget.

Cynthia Axe sent me a text updating me. I sent

Cynthia's text to Purchasing and asked them to "sign off" as long as this is according to procedure. Procurement texted the request to Supply Chain, and Supply Chain forward the request to Hugh White, from Diversity. 

Supply Chain wanted to know if Ms Axe was a member of a persecuted "minority" group. The white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Hugh White, texted me back the purchase request, and I "forwarded" it back to Stan.  (All in all 76 texts were sent on this mission critical issue.)

Today, I saw Ms Axe flashing her new smartphone. 

Stan and a certain Ms Axe also had lunch at his mahogany table, and I will not go into details about how Ms Axe dressed. (Had I dressed that way at Moose Jaw High, my hide would have been tanned).

I will however note that Stan kept abreast of all Cynthia said...unlike most men Axe dates. I will also note that I snapped a picture of the two of them and sent to Wifey. This is big data.

I plan to detox myself from some technology

My skirt is not  wearable technological-stop looking!

Sometimes I feel that I should be in Finance, so that I toy with numbers and not with people. (My father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to claim that financial analysts are "a band of thieves, ciboire".)

HR buzzwords like  cloud based technology and HR analytics are taking their toll on me. But as long as I am the first lady of HR, I need to follow the trends, so to speak.

• Did you know that "Wearable Technology" may replace big data and internet of things as an HR buzzword in 2016? 
• During last week, 88% of our staff  used the term "big data" 12 times by Friday noon, whilst only 14% has mentioned the term "wearable technology."
• However,"wearable technology" was up 77% on the previous week, and "big data" registered a 2.3% fall in the frequency of use. The reintroduction of the drachma was factored in.

Last week, there was an "Expo" of wearable technology and I went there "after hours". I happened to see Mr Hugh White from Diversity looking at a shirt that which makes him look Scandinavian Chinese and then Afro American, changing back and forth every 10 seconds; I also spotted a certain Ms Cynthia Axe trying to have an "axe" built into her arm.

For the record, Hugh White is Caucasian and Cynthia Axe goes sleeveless.

I wandered by the Blackberry store. I did see the new white Blackberry Classic, however I did not enter the Blackberry store; technology can become too addictive. The French are beginning to understand this. 

I plan to become a spiritual type. I may plan to detox myself from technology "en France".

Confusing English language skills with professional competence.

Mon dieu- this is worse than ERP HR implementation

On the plane coming home to Canada for the holidays, whilst my Blackberry was closed, I read a management article in Readers' Digest which claimed that "English language prowess may confuse US and Canadian based decision makers about professional competence; in some cases, gr8 candidates are passed over simply because another candidate speaks perfect English".

If you ask me, c'est des conneries. That's French. In other words, it is not big data.

Our CEO Stan can tolerate many things: Comrade Carl Marks' rambling, Wifey's nagging and Hugh White's irrelevance and stupidity. (Hugh heads our Diversity Department).

However, when Stan does not understand someone's accent, and has to say "can you repeat that, please", he gets migraines, overeats, and criticizes my HR business partnership.

As we expand our global presence into South Thailand, rural Ukraine and Mali, I have instructed the uni-lingual Cynthia Axe and the inept Hugh White to bring me only la crème de la crème of English speakers, who have other competencies.

By the way, when I got my job as HR manager,I did not disclose my French language skills,

because I did not want to be perceived as exotic.

Follow me @GRamsbottom

I have 30,000 unread texts on my Blackberry Priv

Non wow

Following the non non non wowish "roll out" of the ERP HR module, and the failure of my HR team to "rise to the occasion" and manage this "issue" on their own, I now have 30,000 unread texts on my Blackberry Priv. I will need 2 hours to answer all of them.

I will share a few of these texts, just to prove how stupid people can be. 

(My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, tried never to deal with change people for this very reason. Dad sold insurance. I used to ask him what he did for a living, and he said, "Glo baby, I have a license to steal".)

Look at these 5 stupid and distracting texts which catch my skilled and devious eye.

1) From Cynthia Axe (downsizing) to Comrade Carl Marks (R&D):-

Is Georges one person or two?

2) From Cynthia to me.

Do Scots speak American English or British English?

3) From Comrade Carl Mark to me.

Why are my people not getting paid, you incompetent twirp? Is this due to your failure with ERP, girl?

4) From Hugh White (Diversity) to me.

When I enter "Ukraine", entry is denied and I get a Russian flag. And when I enter Sweden, I get a map of the Gaza Strip.

5) From Comrade Carl Marks (R&D) to CEO Stan and Chairman Ed

That Canadian farm girl Gloria is way over her head with ERP HR. Now you see that she is an elevated secretary at best, who happens to know a few words in French, which is no big f---ing deal. Why not replace her with a pro?

Carl

Kol kelb biji yomo

Diversity audit upcoming.

                                                     

                                                                                Diversity bores me.

The nosy government will be carrying out a dreaded Diversity audit this month. 
White and straight Diversity Chief Hugh White  will prepare a 5 step plan to combat covert racism. 

I texted Hugh some of my input, using my Blackberry Leap. (CEO Stan calls Blackberry a "piece of Canadian crap". This is also a diversity issue, from a big data point of view).

My input to Hugh:

1)  The  Scot who works at the switchboard should get English language training.

2)  Prayer mats should be purchased for all employees, religious or not.

3)  Monday should ethnic food day. No US or Canadian food to be tolerated. Staff will be charged a small Diversity tax of 2% on these ethnic meals, as soon as the audit is over. (Poutine will be considered an ethnic food).

4)  People with hyphenated names like Ramsbottom-Lemieux, Laporte-McLean, Rosenberg-Rochambeau and Lau-McNab will be allowed to use both names on their email signature.

5) Hugh White will stop gossiping about the sex lives of our staff.

Coaching Ms Cynthia Axe

Following the Q4 non wow results, revenues are being "adjusted" for 2017.  A certain Ms Cynthia Axe, who heads our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement plan, will have her white hands full, as we "right-size".

Hands full

In an attempt to blackmail me given her growing workload, Axe has recently complained of sore wrists, headaches and malaise. Malaise is a French word.

I  decided to preempt Ms Axe and reach out to her.

I gave Axe some coaching by text over the weekend and we solved 99% of the issues. (I am a certified coach, and I can use the letters CC after my name. Mais oui! CC is certified coach).

I shall give her a Blackberry Priv. Axe is American and it won't do her any harm to help my brothers Frank and Ernest, who work in Blackberry in Waterloo Canada. 

In line with her core value of blackmail, Ms Axe also wants to become a certified coach, so I am looking for a brief  course that will certify her in coaching, in line with my core value of co-opting her.

Here is the spec of the coaching course for Axe that I am looking for:

1-Brief (5 hours)

2-Wow

3-Discounted

4-Gives a  degree with letters to put after her family name, like MD or LLB.

5-Global and sustainable

6-prepare Axe for a PhD at a fairly unknown, but accredited, university