Procurement guidelines based on Internet of Things

If you ask me, I say oui

"Of course, Stan" is how I replied to the text my CEO sent me which read, "Gloria, can you drive down the costs of procurement similar to what you did for labour costs'?

A few seconds after I answered Stan's text, I convened a meeting of the procurement staff in the "Joseph Stalin Meeting Room", located in The Internet of Things Dept.  On the walls of the room hung pictures of great leaders such as our own chief IoT nerd Comrade Carl Marks. There was also a picture of a Viking Ship, in the waters of the beloved Faroe Islands.

After a brief consultation during which I pretended to listen to the frightened procurement agents in line with my key values of "people skills", I showed a chart which was chock a block with big data. No one understood the chart, nor did I, but wow, did I look impressive, from an HR perspective.

Then I laid down four  new procurement  guidelines, effective immediately.

1) The entire procurement process is to be completed before work is scoped.

2) Negotiations are to take place using a voice menu automated robot.

3) When a vendor wants to speak with a live agent or get paid,  the vendor is blacklisted for a year, and Hugh White from Diversity says "blacklist" is not diversity friendly. 

4) Payments to vendors to be  made in Greek drachma, to be issued in 2018.

Then I explained that "in line with our core values,  procurement needs to be an engaging process, and we need to see our vendors as long term strategic partners." (At the same time, I noted that no vendor should hold us by our "you know what").

Comrade Carl Marks, who sat in on this meeting sent me a text, "Christ Ramsbottom, you ARE good. Why are you in HR?"

I had no time to answer Comrade Carl, since I am heading to the Faroe Islands.

CEO Stan issues strategic guidelines for HR

Gloria,

Implement these strategic guidelines next week, in line with our core values of doing what you are told.

1-Non strategic cost cutting needs to expanded to lessen the burn rate. Reduce fat where ever you see, and wallpaper the pain with all your fancy HR slogans.

2-Some of our big data engineers are calling the product "dog food". Root that out, in line with our core values of rooting things out.

3- Cynthia Axe via her Early Bird Retirement Plan or whatever you call it, must "trim" 50 heads a week, whilst Strategic Procurement should drive half of our vendors into receivership, or abject poverty.

4-No cuts whatsoever in big data, internet of things, cloud based activities. 

5-Massive use of  IMT-"Intrinsic Motivation Tools", to be developed by HR SVP Gloria Ramsbottom. Do not delegate this task Gloria.

7-Staff engagement must rise by 34%. You own that, Ramsbottom.

7-Internal Head of Communications to be hired to ensure positive messages reach our staff. Last week, I met a lady whom I will send to you for an interview. See if she compatible and then hire her.

8- Trim the number of core values we have from 5 to 3.

Stan

At the helm

Squeeze the vendor till he chokes, in line with one of our core values.

Shocked

This morning when I woke up I had an urgent text message from both Cynthia Axe and that hen pecked white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Hugh White; it appears that Comrade Carl Marks hired an OD consultant who is to begin work on Monday morning! Tabarnac.

I may not have mentioned it, but I dislike OD consultants more than I dislike anything else, except mid size data. Ciboire, HR business partnership excludes the need for OD, as anyone with half a brain knows.

Using my Blackberry 10, I texted CEO Stan and cced Comrade Carl, mentioning in "passing" that I had not signed off the consultant or his fees, which comes from my talent management budget. Stan apologized and told me to "interview him by Skype this weekend" whilst Carl sent me a curse in Russian, "youb tvoyu mat".

I interviewed this consultant and I had 3 "asks".

1) What is your detailed plan, hour by hour, of the entire project?

2) What questions are you going to ask whom, why, when and how?

3) How many seconds go by until you text me an update about who said what?

Based on the answers I received from the consultant, I sent his budget proposal to Sarah Barracuda from Procurement/Supply Chain.

Sarah

Kindly kill this asap; this may be a good time for me to ok your daughter working for us this summer. Lets talk after you update me.

A bientot!

Gloria

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The vendor was pronounced dead at 1042, before he could reach Groote Schuur Hospital, which is a strange name.