The 3 very best leadership webinars

Free-Gratis- חינם

"No one pays for knowledge anymore". This is a self evident truth. 

In the hope of generating revenue, hungry OD vendors, trainers, snake-oil salespeople and change managers provide free webinars.The goal of these free webinars is to tease the naive viewer into buying yet a second webinar. 

Often a free webinar can consist of several bear traps to spend money, bear traps (piege a ours)  being a term my late Dad used to use.

However, since no one should pays for knowledge anymore, I want to provide a list of guidelines regarding how to choose the best free leadership webinar available.

1) It must be brief. I would say 90 seconds is optimum.

2) It should provide free tips. May I suggest 3 tips as a minimum.

3) The presenter should speak the Queens English, and have a name that is pronounceable.

4) The webinar should also provide a free book as an incentive for attending.

5) The webinar should be tailored to your organization for free.

A note from the author of the Gloria Blog

From a modest start of 15 visitors a day 7 years ago,  3200 people a day now visit the Gloria blog daily. 

Readership, approaching one million hits, is worldwide and each week the blog gets about 20 new subscribers.

I get many private emails which ask the same questions, so I will answer them publicly:

a-My inspiration comes from situations I encounter in my work as a consultant; I also get many ideas from reading HR blogs. Some of the stories I tell are  very real events.

b-Gloria is not based on one person, but is an aggregate of many  HR ladies-pathological texters, geographically challenged, "keep it short" freaks , and mass executioners, as well as buyers etc who have found themselves in an HR role. 

Stan is a very real person and he loves the blog. 

Comrade Carl is based on 5 people, all of whom love the blog as well.

I do NOT speak Russian, but I do speak reasonable Quebec French.

c-I work with many top notch HR people who themselves give me ideas for this blog. Some of the wildest ideas have come from HR people. This blog has in no way negatively impacted my excellent working relationship with senior HR people. Quite the opposite.

d-I write the blog mainly for myself. I love rereading my own postings.

Finally, a word of thanks. Thank you for reading the blog, thank you for posting it on twitter and fb, thank you for encouraging me. And keep spreading the word.

Merci,

allon  
אלון

Use of data analytics for revenue forecasting-case study

A huge surge of adrenaline 

Stan the Man

There are no Danes on our management team. Danes tends to be the happiest people on earth, which is why perhaps they avoid our company like the plague.

Even if there was a Dane on our management team, he (or she) would not have been happy or jocund in our management meeting today, which dealt with revenue projection for Q4 and Q1. Notice the word jocund.

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, predicted that "every Tom, Dick, Harry and Svetlana will eventually buy our killer applications. Short term revenue forecasting is a futile exercise, for sissies". The comrade also suggested that instead of "fooling around with the numbers", we should plan the celebration party for when "our numbers will beat Samsung before the Note 7 debacle".

Herr Krebbs, our eccentric CFO of German stock asked CEO Stan for permission to reply. Stan said, "this is not Germany for Christ's sake Krebbs, say what you want without asking for fucking permission". As HR business partner, I suggested than Stan note that there was a lady in the room, namely me.

Krebbs said: "Ze numpers are deluzzional, like ze comrade himzelv. We need data, and ve need a zanity check on our bazic azzumptions. Ja. Danke!"

Comrade Carl stood up, pointed a finger at Krebbs, and told him, "that's why you all lost the Battle of Stalingrad!"

Stan told me, "Gloria, do your job and  calm the boys down. Please set in place a clear HR process for revenue projection which factors in Carl's optimism and Herr Krebb's reservations. You have 2 hours to finish this mission."

After the meeting was adjourned, I felt a huge surge (Serge is a French name) of adrenaline, although I still don't understand what data analytics is. Yet.

Introducing our HR Bot- a unique user experience

People Day

Today was a very special day in our firm-People Day. On this very day, we put people first, so to speak. As a matter of fact, "people-focus" is one of our core values.

We also have another core value, "HR as technology pioneer". 

So, putting both values together (synergy), we allowed our staff to stay at home for people day by using our new HR bot to provide a people day user experience remotely.

I programmed the bot using my bare hands. In line with my core values of partial transparency, I will share with you the code used in the bot's brain.

The bot has six answers. Every time a question is asked, the same six answers are flashed to the user in random order, in line with our core value of creativity.

Did you notice my huge focus on core values? I always emphasize values on People Day.

Here are the six answers that the bot sprouts.

1) Don't worry-we won't fire you by text.

2) Yes and no. Let me consult the procedure.

3) To book travel, call Greyhound directly.

4) Sorry Svetlana, but our HR bot speaks English only. Tak.

5) Sorry, you accent is very strong! Are you Thai, Danish or German?

6) Thank so so much for asking the HR bot. Version two will be released yesterday.

Just in case you don't know, we update our core values weekly as wwwwww.updatecorevalues/gloria/HR/lady.

Selling our product is a cake walk for anyone with half a brain

Feedback and Cipralex

Comrade Carl Marks , our chief nerd, came into my office this afternoon. He was listening to the clip "Beat me with your Rhythm Stick on his mobile phone speaker. The Comrade sat down on the floor with his legs crossed and blurted out, "I want to give you some feedback, Gloria".

Feedback is a great tool, and as a matter of fact I am pretty hooked on positive re-enforcement, from an HR perspective. But the Comrade did not have HR in mind.

"Gloria, our Sales team are a bunch of losers. They can't sell cold lemonade on a hot beach. You may ask why this is the case , Gloria, and I"ll tell you why. 
Btw, my reasoning  has nothing to do with the fact that I wash down my daily dose of 20 mg Cipralex with brandy! 

Sales people need to be forward looking. Sales people need to focus on explaining to clients what they need, and not cater to their whims or user experience. Kibinimat Gloria, Sales need to sell, not invent excuses about product shortcomings".

Comrade Carl then looked at the picture of my Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, hanging on the wall. "You don't look like him at all Gloria. Are you sure he was your father?"

Then Carl continued. "In the end Gloria, either you recruit some competent sales people, or I will suggest you take over as Head of Sales. You can move mountains, Gloria. Selling our product is a cake walk for anyone with half a brain."

Part of my personal road map includes travelling to exotic lands like Denmark, Chad and Ireland, mastering German, and enhancing my salary. Sales, however, interests me as much as rereading Herta Muller's book The Land of Green Plums. 

In order to build a lobby to counter Comrade Carl's intentions, I walked into our German CFO's office. Herr Krebs was having kaffee und kuchen and reading about Trump's view of crime in Germany. I undated the eccentric Herr Krebs who said "zis is a wery intarezting dewelopment, Fraulien Gloria".

A day in the life of the First Lady of HR

In biology class in grade 7, we dissected a frog  named Clarence. My teacher Mr Paul Hecht told me, "Gloria, you dissected that frog with great skill. Make sure to get yourself get a career in HR." Actually, he used the French term RH, not HR.

As as I was doing my nails today, I asked myself, "why not dissect my workday so that readers can understand what makes me the first lady of HR?" So, in align with my core value of tooting my own horn, here is what my day looks like.

0300 am          Check text messages, ignoring employees; addressing CEO Stan's "queries".

0600 am          Make sure that all 3 smartphones are fully charged.

0601 am          Eat 3 cheeseburgers and take my thyroid medication.

0609 am         Text my employees (Axe and White) to ensure that they are awake

0611 am          Check dating sites

0859 am          Get into the executive elevator 

0900-1 pm      Connive, gossip and pedal influence, missing nothing

1 pm - 2 pm    Eat lunch with a senior executive, often Comrade Carl Marks

2 pm               Check dating sites

3 pm -7 pm     Analyse data and read Fru Maya's tweets

7 pm- 11 pm   Chair a meeting on work life balance

Midnight         Check dating site

1 am               Fall asleep with my Blackberry on silent mode.

                

Clarence

My touching HR message for the Jewish New Year

שנה טובה לדוד גיבור

The white straight boy who runs Diversity, Hugh White, informed me that the Jewish New Years begins on Monday evening. I cannot understand why the Jewish new year and the Chinese one "fall" on different dates. It just not make sense, from an HR perspective.

Hugh asked me to address our Jewish nerds on Monday by saying, "Gloria you may not be Jewish but you  addressed the Blacks on Martin Luther King Day!"

So today at noon, Hugh gathered the folks into the HR Conference Room, which is strangely called the Vatican. Hugh White introduced me, and I gave a short talk in my shrill voice.

"I had a Jewish girlfriend in high  school back in Canada named Sharon Bernstein. She used to tell me that during September, there are too many meals, new years festivals, a day of fasting and too many family gatherings. Sharon asked me to hide her under my bed until the holidays ended. Of course my Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbotttom, did not agree....

I used to copy from Sharon in math tests and she copied from me in French, Latin, and spelling...Sharon once suggested I convert for the month of September, so I could have a lot of days off from school. Sharon warned me -"But you'll get fat Gloria"...So happy new year, and please leave your phones open during the holiday, in the framework of work work life balance."

Hugh White: straight, white and not Jewish