Hedging big data

Big Data Hedge Fund

Our CFO, Mister Herr Krebbs, provided us quarterly data in a 88 slide ppt called "Concise Big Data-based Financial Package" in the senior management team quarterly business review. Herr Krebbs, ever so German, provides us with three truckloads of data. Ja! Gut. 

"Big data" is like a financial report, 100% hindsight", bellowed CEO Stan at Herr Krebbs. Stan ranted and raved about an increase in the cost of goods sold, as well as fines to the tune of $500,000 paid to customers due to late deliveries. Herr Krebbs remained silent and then muttered a few long words in German.

Then Stan turned to Carl, our chief nerd. "Comrade Carl, our product is too complex to make profit and your staff are a bunch of foreigners, waiting for their green cards. They believe that we will fire them if they finish the product, so they stall and tap dance all day! And what does this all mean, Comrade Carl? It means that you are as useless as tits on a bull, as a leader". 

I believe an OD consultant would call that constructive confrontation. My Dad would call it "getting the be-Jesus knocked out of you". Mom would say, "Pierre Elliot, don't cuss like that next to Gloria".

Comrade Carl, in response to Stan's "what do you have to say?" looked at me and said, "All this big data nonsense about the level of engagement being low is HR mumbo jumbo. Our staff is busting their balls, and our product is a pearl." Then Carl added, "what good is HR big data, unless it is futuristic, and hedged to the Greek drachma and Russian rubble?"

Stan, stunned by Comrade Carl's unfocused attack nevertheless asked me, "Gloria, do you hedge your HR big data to be more futuristic?"

Never one to be surprised, I texted my coach (who pumps gas and works as an agile coach) and provided an answer that Stan deemed, "very appropriate, Miss Lemieux."

The problem is that Stan pronounces Lemieux as Lye-Mex.

Green card enabled quality

Fat Financial package and incentives available to recruit geeks for Internet of Things

Installments

Do you personally  know of any geeks who want to join a wow wow wow company? That's 3 wows. My "ask" is to review the gory details, and spread the word.

Comrade Carl Mark's R&D Department is about to recruit 10 fresh geeks to develop the interface between our newest product and the internet of things. 

The geeks will be tasked with "embedding" some of our existing products' deficiencies into the internet of things, which will enable our existing developers to move on to better and more sexier things, without wasting time on "operability issues".

Many readers of this blog may ask, "why join the company where Gloria works?" There is no need to ask that question. That's why my "positive-thinking" coach told me. He pumps gas and sells herbal cures to supplement his income.

The financial package we offer is truly incredible. All geeks get a fat loan, a Blackberry Passport, a picture of Cynthia Axe at our Health Club doing push ups and an exemption from being fired by text for 2 months. Furthermore, each new recruit will get to view a management webinar from Poland-based based Wiser@work.

The fat loan I was referring to is delivered to each recruit in installments, from the word, stall. Exact details are being worked out by our attorneys.

Our company's core belief is that "to the internet of things, our future clings". What does this mean? It means that HR will stand behind you in the rare case that you encounter difficulties, as it were. 

My Dad, Pierre Elliot used to joke about "standing behind you". However, this blog, and its readers are posh. Some readers have a British accent, or at least speak good English.

Come join us

HR opens In-house coaching academy

Saving money, honey

2018 is less than a wow wow wow year. We will all need to "tighten our belts", said CEO Stan, which is a term Dad used to use all the time after Mom went on a shopping spree. In those days, there was no big data, just a bill from Simpsons (La Baie).

So I decided to cut our coaching expenses.

In 2017, we have spent $600 on coaching. Ms Axe has a reputation coach and Comrade Carl Marks hired a Ukrainian coach to help him understand a Scottish accent. I signed on the invoices in a moment of weakness. 

In 2018, there shall be no coaching budget whatsoever. However, always resourceful, I have opened an in-house coaching academy. As a matter of fact, I opened it last week. The academy certified all our staff to become coaches. This was done in one day.

The academy offered 2 level of coaching certificates.

1-EC (expert coach)

2-CC (chief coach). I am CC and at this time, I have no deputies, as it were.

The certification process for both levels took 5 minutes, including zenga zenga expertise.

Everyone at EC level learnt to ask three questions:

1-What are your goals?

2-What do you plan to do?

3-How can I support you?

I know that this is tough, but it seems people pick it up easily.

Last week I handled one case myself. I had to be creative, as it were, because I was surprised.

Svetlana from Engineering answered the first question saying, "I want to be the Pope".

I replaced question 2 with "Are you Catholic"?

"No", she replied, "My mother is Russian Orthodox but atheist and my father is Jewish".

Then I told young Svetlana that we have no budget to help her convert.

This is called "alignment of expectations coaching." Only CC level coach can do that.

One  final comment:

1. I am hiring coaches to coach my coaches. The price is $150 an hour. Just to be clear-you pay me! There are so many coaches that I am "leveraging" market conditions, as it were.

When do managers need a coach

HR as platform for creativity

Our Friday management meeting was semi wow. 

Comrade Carl Marks, R&D chief had been asked to make a presentation vis a vis (French) the "road map to product stability".Our new product has 400,087 known bugs, most of them impact client revenue. As a result, even though we have big data, we have insufficient sales.

Comrade Carl started with his presentation with the claim: "Youb tvou mat, the product is pearl, Stan. The question is why are we not selling it, kibinimat." 

I have picked up some Russian and that expression means that Comrade Carl and Stan's late mother engaged, as it were, in some hanky panky.

Then Comrade Carl lashed out at Sales Chief Juliette Caesar: "Suka, you cannot sell an iced lemonade on the beach during a hot day".

The word "suka" refers to a female dog, as it were. I have no background Russian, but Comrade Carl's insistence in swearing on Russian has me adapting, as it were. (I am Canadian, 3/4 English and 1/4 French)

Then Comrade Carl took at a 23 slide power point slide show about "How HR blocks creativity". He mentioned that "I love Gloria as a person and she has great legs, but nevertheless..."

Comrade Carl, obviously inebriated, said that "HR has done everything it can to block creativity. All the wrong people are in the wrong roles, except in R&D."

Comrade Carl ended his speech with, "We need a union to protect our staff from more senseless downsizing; we need IT to take over HR and mechanize HR on a cloud-and we need to be a people company".

His final slide was: Vote Comrade Carl Marks. There was a picture on the slide of Comrade Carl shaking hands with some people in Bangalore.

"Comrade Carl is heading downhill, "said CEO Stan. "Get him a coach".

On Leadership and Followership

On leadership and follower-ship

Our CEO Stan is back at work, full of piss and vinegar, after a short hospitalization for an affliction that I do not wish to discuss.  (Stan keeps some Preparation H on his desk, which is small but big data.) 

Today was the first management meeting held since Stan returned, and we members of the management team thought the meeting would be jovial, as it were.

Stan, on the other hand, wanted to deliver a message about leadership and follower-ship.

I taped Stan's speech so that I could provide a "verbatim" version, as it were. Is verbatim French? Non! It's Roman.

"There is both a leadership and follower-ship issue in our firm. Issue, not problem, as Gloria aptly points out. The follower-ship problem is mainly between me and, you all, my management team. For Christ's sake, why are you not making your numbers?"

Then Stan got specific.

• Juliette Caesar, I am sick and tired of hearing about the deficiencies  in Comrade Carl's product, make you numbers, sell the product and stop whimpering. Since when is product quality an issue to Sales people?
• Comrade Carl, the product is a piece of shit, if I may say so myself. Fix the product Carl, kibinimat.
• Gloria, what is all this diversity crap? And upgrade the IT HR systems. Why can't HR be fully mechanized? The IT HR system is worse than our product. Wake up Gloria.

Then Stan ate a dark chocolate bar, drank some some root beer and continued:

"We also have a leadership problem in our company. And Comrade Carl Marks, the problem is you. 

Look at Gloria. Look how far she gets with just her raw ambition; her people work like slaves and she lives the Life of Riley, texting all day. Juliette Caesar managed to sell just 3 of your systems to Albania. 3 fucking systems Comrade Carl-that's a lot! Especially since these systems don't fucking work. And what you DO do Carl, teach you staff to swear in Russian and Arabic? Jesus. Are you out of your mind, Carl?"

Stan, whilst checking his email,  told me "I hate that fucking Canadian Blackberry Gloria; get me an I-phone 6".

Then Stan wrapped up the meeting."Gloria, I am oking 4 hours of coaching for all of us. Fix these problems in a week."

When the Scots leave the UK

Post Stan

Whilst I want to tap into my employees'  rather limited talent, I do not want them to feel "too good", which would make them ask for more money. 

Thus, while I do not keep my employees on a short leash, the canine metaphor is not irrelevant. Par exemple:

CEO Stan, Hugh White (Diversity) and I met in the parking lot. Hugh looked so White in the morning sun.

Stan spoke to Hugh without asking my permission: 
"So White, if the Scots leave Britain, will you get rid of that Scot who works at the switchboard, whose accent is incomprehensible? I suggest you do that Hugh, and hire someone from England. After all, England will become a very small country, and being English may become a "disability" with a Northern neighbour like Scotland. For Christs sake, I read that the Scots will abandon the English language altogether".

I do not know too much about Scotland;

I regret not having paid attention to Mr Blanc, my history teacher. He always looked at me and said, "Gloria, don't sit there like a bump on a log`.

White (Hugh) froze and looked at me. Hugh knows that all dialogue with senior management must be channeled through me, in line with my core value of power preservation.

I need to think how I want to guide White and manage his talent. Too much initiative is not a good thing. 

I slept in History Class but I am a thought leader in HR

3 ways to influence key decisions

Stan never makes some decisions without me

Last night, I spoke at a leading community college; I addressed the "Becoming a Senior Secretary 101" course on the topic:  How can HR influence major  organizational decisions.

I closed my Blackberry Passport for most of the lecture, although I have a legal issue on my mind. 

Here are the main points of my lecture:

Far too often, psychopathic CEO's, CFOs with tunnel vision or technical goons try to make key decisions without input from the people perspective. 

As HR manager, People is your middle name, even though you are also a business partner! So factoring people into the equation is HR's job.

HR needs to insert itself gently into the decision making loop. And when the "gentle" part does not work, brute force and use of carpet bombing is necessary.

My 3 agile guidelines to aspiring HR managers are-

1-15-20 text messages per key decision need to be sent to all members of the senior management team, daily.

2-use of veiled threats (such as you may not get a new smartphone soon) are not useless.

3-creation of perceived HR value is generated by the use of the slogans like "HR business partner", 'from a business perspective", or "bottom line, we need to ensure engagement of the human capital, which is as important as big data and cloud computing".

What language did your ancestors speak?

A fair question

Most readers of this blog know that I have two brothers, Frank and Ernest, who worked for Blackberry, which is a Canadian company.

To be frank and earnest, I do not understand why we received a lawyer's letter, initiated by  a lady candidate whom we turned down for a job in our Global and Sustainable Service Department.

She claimed she was asked 4 unfair questions.

   1) What language did your ancestors speak?

   2) Do you agree that pregnancy interferes with high performance and achieving stretch goals?

   3) If you are married, what food do you cook your husband for supper?

   4) Are the ladies of HR true business partners?

I called our corporate lawyer (who works on a razor thin retainer) and told him that the candidate was probably inventing the entire story. The lawyer played me a tape, and indeed, I heard my own shrill voice doing the interview.

When I think back, this interview took place after a huge argument I had with Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks, who took me out for lunch (Au Beau Pain) to reconcile but "talks broke down".

The day of the interview, Comrade Carl brought out the worst in me, claiming that AI and holacracy will eliminate HR. 

Nevertheless, I see no problem with the interview questions that I asked. (Dad always told me that I am very stubborn). 

To get to the top of the HR ladder, my beauty was not enough. I needed to be stubborn, understand big data, develop AI and holacracy to the next level, and embrace cloud computing whilst mitigating DEI.  Mais oui-that's quite a job, if you get my drift.

And there is a drift to get.

A fierce level of engagement

I just love my new Honda Insight; I can get  28 miles to a gallon!  However, I cannot even find my favourite radio station! Tabernac!

The dashboard is so complex that the car comes with a 400 page manual; I have never read anything longer than a text since my days at the Secretary Academy in Montreal. 

(The word manual is not Spanish). 

I was sitting at a traffic light when a  warning light lit up on my car dashboard. In great duress, I was looking up the meaning of warning light, when Stan texted me: "Gloria, we need to embed our products' liabilities in the internet of things. I need you to generate a fierce level of engagement NOW".

Sometimes, I want to speak "truth to power" and tell Stan to shove his slogans, but immediately I remembered that I am his HR business partner. I think the Honda dashboard had unduly distracted me .

So, starting at 3 pm tomorrow, HR will launch 3 day engagement event for all Internet of things engineering staff, in alignment Comrade Carl Marks, VP Engineering, whatever the word "alignment" means. 

Comrade Carl is at home while his medication is adjusted to cure him of his feigned Russian accent.

During the 3 day engagement event, heterosexual Hugh White (the white boy who runs Diversity) will ensure that enough food is brought in to feed an army. 

My Dad told me that people in the army get as much food as they need in reward for their service. Dad was in the RCAF. That means Royal Canadian Airforce, for my American followers. My Dad said that feeding a person well causes engagement.

During the event, Cynthia Axe will bar the exit doors, and mobile phones will be confiscated to ensure the fiercest level of engagement. Folks will work 3 days  straight until the product bugs disappear.

Engagement will be measured by Ms Axe.

Hugh White will put cheese on the cheeseburgers,and dish out tribal food as per localized demand of our engineers, few of whom speak English well.

My dashboard

Follow me @GRamsbottom

I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach.

Consultants? Mais non!

Consultants and coaches undermine HR's power and authority. If you ask me, I would rather have constipation for a week than hire a consultant or a coach. Believe me.

Here's why:

1.    HR's role as business partner basically negates (nice word) the need for any external assistance, because HR leverages AI.
2.    I always claim that our recruiting is flawless; if we hired a coach, what would that mean?
3.    Sometimes, consultants and coaches purvey non wow messages.  This is not in line with our core values of purveying good news.
4.  Non facilitated outdoor activities solve 95% of organizational problems. The other 5% can be solved by horseback riding. (I plan to open a training stable soon with my horse, Jean-Marie)
5.   When everything  fails, all you need to do is buy a German or Swiss blockchain.

On one hand-will Blockchain Andy solve this one for me?

I need to think-and it is painful.

Executive Vice President of R&D Comrade Carl Marks' personality started to disintegrate after the release of our newest product which has 55,988 revenue impacting bugs.
Comrade Carl said that our "product is a pearl :  unsophisticated clients can go fuck themselves". Then he decided to take two weeks off "to do some banking in the Caribbean. 

Our CEO Stan hopes that I can help "re-integrate" the Comrade back to reality, in line with my core values of realignment.  

In a rare moment of transparency, our CEO Stan sent me a text acknowledging a wellbeing issue: "what can be done with Comrade Carl-he made need help, such as cost-effective coaching!"

A word about Comrade Carl-Carl's R&D team consists of Indians, Thais, Israelis,  Russians, Ukrainians and one old South African comrade named de Villiers.  Only 74% of the team understand him sometimes. Why? Well, Comrade Carl is a weirdo! American born and bred Marks not only speaks Russian most of the time with his team, but even when he speaks English, he has adopted a thick Russian accent. (for example, he mispronounces big data as "pik dayta").  

I could go on and on, but I won't in line with my core values of not going on and on. Carl does indeed need help of the HR ilk. I have several options:

On one hand, I could help Comrade Carl by providing him with coaching with my bare hands. I am a seasoned HR business partner, and coaching could have been my middle name.

On the other hand, I could hire a cost-effective coach, who may prove to be disloyal and undermine HR's professional authority.

On the third hand, I could dither and  enable Comrade Carl to fail, in line with my core value of self preservation.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say, "Gloria, mon chou, people do not have three hands".

I will sleep on this for a while and consult my blockchain named Andy. 

My tendency is to let nature take its course, given Comrade Carl's non wow attitude to HR.

When a product fails, leaders often suffer from acute stress

Завтра завтра

Our beloved but eccentric Emerging Technologies VP Comrade Carl Marks, suffers from managerial hallucination and identity confusion. Why? Well, our new semi wow product hit the market with 39,986 revenue impacting bugs. The product collapses when more than 5 users are logged in.

Furthermore, we are getting semi wow press reviews. Due to customer complaints, our law firm has advised us that they will raise their retainer from 10 hours to 600 hours monthly.

In our management meeting today, Comrade Carl was mumbling to himself in Russian! 

Our furious CEO Stan asked Comrade Carl 3 questions in front of all of us:

  1-What is the detailed road map for bug fixes?

  2-When will Comrade Carl hire people who speak English?

  3-Comrade Carl, are you under the ``influence``?

Comrade Carl kept mumbling to himself in Russian, saying zavtra zavtra. No one knew what he meant. 

Stan told Comrade Carl to "speak English, for Christ sake, because no one speaks Russian except a few Russians and the Israeli foreign minister."

Comrade Carl got up to address the management team, and showed us all a slide which said: Завтра завтра, не сегодня" - так ленивцы говорят.

Then Comrade Carl said that he wants the management team to focus on the real issue: "what is the value of HR if they cannot recruit some service people to solve these minor service issues"?

Comrade Carl did not wait for an answer-he went to the parking lot, and smoked a joint with his team along with Sanjay, Sanjay, Sanjay, Svetlana, Svetlana, and Mike.

Stan sent me a text: "Glo, Comrade Carl needs coaching"

Ciboire, maison de fous

Confusing English language skills with professional competence.

Mon dieu- this is worse than ERP HR implementation

On the plane coming home to Canada for the holidays, whilst my Blackberry was closed, I read a management article in Readers' Digest which claimed that "English language prowess may confuse US and Canadian based decision makers about professional competence; in some cases, gr8 candidates are passed over simply because another candidate speaks perfect English".

If you ask me, c'est des conneries. That's French. In other words, it is not big data.

Our CEO Stan can tolerate many things: Comrade Carl Marks' rambling, Wifey's nagging and Hugh White's irrelevance and stupidity. (Hugh heads our Diversity Department).

However, when Stan does not understand someone's accent, and has to say "can you repeat that, please", he gets migraines, overeats, and criticizes my HR business partnership.

As we expand our global presence into South Thailand, rural Ukraine and Mali, I have instructed the uni-lingual Cynthia Axe and the inept Hugh White to bring me only la crème de la crème of English speakers, who have other competencies.

By the way, when I got my job as HR manager,I did not disclose my French language skills,

because I did not want to be perceived as exotic.

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Hiring an OD change agent-and keeping him on a leash

Name of Role: Head of Training, Talent Management, Organizational Development and Knowledge Management

Reporting to: SVP HR Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux

Role Description: Compliance to the direction I provide

Skills:

• Semi strategic and very tactical
• Slavish loyalty to boss
• Working mother with 3-5 children with no career aspirations
• Proven negotiation skill with hotels
• Proven skills in wow wow wow-ism and rah rahing
• Ability to feign understanding of business
• Native and fluent English skills, with a smattering of French
• Ability to understand the various accents in our Engineering department

Surprised? No need to be! 

Here's how it happened. CEO Stan texted me to come to his office. His wife (Wifey) had just read an article titles "Change From Within"; the article was a case study of a company which was "totally turned around" by a program driven by an internal "change agent" in HR. 

Stan gave me the article to read (it is a one pager) and immediately told me: "Let's give this a try, Ramsbottom". 

Then Stan added, "Chairman Ed's son-in-law, young Samuel Snake, appears to be a good candidate for setting up such a department "under your auspices, Gloria".

I reminded Stan about something he preferred I did not know (that has to do with him and a certain Ms Cynthia Axe). 

Ever the flexible CEO, Stan said, "As you wish Gloria. But set up the department and at least use Samuel Snake as an intern. That's an order".

An order is an order. So, I put together the above job description & published it. 

There are now almost 3 thousand people a day who read this blog, even in Indonesia, Scotland, the tip of Africa, Saudi Arabia (mais oui), Germany and even Denmark. Please refer people to me. I will accept a candidate from an offshore location, in line with my core value of "cheap labour".

I don't pay a placement fee, but I am a  pleasure to work with.

My new coaching module: texting and driving seamlessly

Lost my quarterly  bonus-j'men calice

 I shall be moonlighting over the next few days- I will be doing end to end, specialized and speed coaching for HR managers in the following areas:-

1. Sycophant Enhancement for HR managers who are too dedicated to "people".
2. Creative  Downsizing for HR managers who need to fire people en masse (French) and maintain a wow wow wow work environment. (3 wows)
3. Texting whilst Driving for HR managers who want to improve their own work work work work life balance.
4. Firing by Text and via Skype for HR managers who want to enhance their use of technology to creative a high tech environs, which is also a French word.
5. Thought leadership in HR for those HR managers who want to promulgate my ideas. I learnt the P word in Senior Secretary Academy in Montreal.
6. Use of legs to get attention for those HR managers interested in Influence Peddling.

You can follow me on Twitter: @GRamsbottom