CEO Stan issues strategic guidelines for HR

Gloria,

Implement these strategic guidelines next week, in line with our core values of doing what you are told.

1-Non strategic cost cutting needs to expanded to lessen the burn rate. Reduce fat where ever you see, and wallpaper the pain with all your fancy HR slogans.

2-Some of our big data engineers are calling the product "dog food". Root that out, in line with our core values of rooting things out.

3- Cynthia Axe via her Early Bird Retirement Plan or whatever you call it, must "trim" 50 heads a week, whilst Strategic Procurement should drive half of our vendors into receivership, or abject poverty.

4-No cuts whatsoever in big data, internet of things, cloud based activities. 

5-Massive use of  IMT-"Intrinsic Motivation Tools", to be developed by HR SVP Gloria Ramsbottom. Do not delegate this task Gloria.

7-Staff engagement must rise by 34%. You own that, Ramsbottom.

7-Internal Head of Communications to be hired to ensure positive messages reach our staff. Last week, I met a lady whom I will send to you for an interview. See if she compatible and then hire her.

8- Trim the number of core values we have from 5 to 3.

Stan

At the helm

Squeeze the vendor till he chokes, in line with one of our core values.

Shocked

This morning when I woke up I had an urgent text message from both Cynthia Axe and that hen pecked white heterosexual who runs Diversity, Hugh White; it appears that Comrade Carl Marks hired an OD consultant who is to begin work on Monday morning! Tabarnac.

I may not have mentioned it, but I dislike OD consultants more than I dislike anything else, except mid size data. Ciboire, HR business partnership excludes the need for OD, as anyone with half a brain knows.

Using my Blackberry 10, I texted CEO Stan and cced Comrade Carl, mentioning in "passing" that I had not signed off the consultant or his fees, which comes from my talent management budget. Stan apologized and told me to "interview him by Skype this weekend" whilst Carl sent me a curse in Russian, "youb tvoyu mat".

I interviewed this consultant and I had 3 "asks".

1) What is your detailed plan, hour by hour, of the entire project?

2) What questions are you going to ask whom, why, when and how?

3) How many seconds go by until you text me an update about who said what?

Based on the answers I received from the consultant, I sent his budget proposal to Sarah Barracuda from Procurement/Supply Chain.

Sarah

Kindly kill this asap; this may be a good time for me to ok your daughter working for us this summer. Lets talk after you update me.

A bientot!

Gloria

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The vendor was pronounced dead at 1042, before he could reach Groote Schuur Hospital, which is a strange name.