HR asked to deal with a "service" issue because Comrade Carl forgot his medicine this morning.

Another weekend is ruined

My dearest Gloria,

I never told you face to face, but I think you are both agile, wise and cunning, a smashing combination for an HR manager. This is big data!

In my opinion, HR brings more value than Supply Chain, thanks to your agile nature.

Our new product is about to be deployed; a quality audit suggests that we have a few bugs (34,980), of which only 8 can impact our clients' revenue.

I wanted to inform you that we in R&D have finished developing this product, and will transfer responsibility over to a new product deployment team in Customer Service. 

As our agile HR business partner, please recruit the appropriate nerds and staff up where necessary. I will lend a "helping hand" once you bring me a candidate to lead this effort. Basically, the product is now a "service issue".

In two weeks, my staff will hand over the product documentation, which is being written up by an engineer in Kiev who has some English skills. (I know this engineers' sister.)

Our CEO Stan thinks these plans of mine are "solid". Stan does not believe R&D needs to be involved in any more grunt work on this emerging technology.

Two more things, Glo. I think Cynthia Axe's cleavage is too pronounced. And don't you think that having a White heterosexual run Diversity is a bit biased? Spasiba!

Comrade Carl Marks

Senior Vice President R&D

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Addressing the skill gap in the Sales Department

I am enriching Hugh's job

CEO Stan sent me a text at 500 am to convene an urgent meeting this morning. The meeting started at 0530 AM.

The participants were EVP HR Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux (c'est moi), Comrade Carl Marks, EVP R&D, and the nameless former Head of Sales, who gave notice last week after a 5 days stint.

Comrade Carl Marks ensured us that our new product will be almost nearly bug-free by August 2014. CEO Stan said that "until August", there is a "skill gap" between the present capabilities of the sales force and the challenges the sales force is facing, namely getting sales on this semi-stable product.

Comrade Carl gazed at Stan and said, "Skill gap back-filling is an HR issue, Boss. Do I need to be here?" Stan immediately released Comrade Carl from the meeting. Carl hurried off to his Ukrainian language lessons, so he can understand the 50 cost effective engineers we hired there last week.

Stan then said to me, "Glo, this is an HR matter-fix the skill gap for me, by the end of this week.

Hugh White, the white and heterosexual Head of Diversity, needs some job enrichment. I shall fully delegate this simple task to Hugh, although I will guide him to use Big Data as well as innocuous facts.

Looking for Japan Expert

I am a pleasure to work with

CEO Stan is off to Japan on a business trip.His mission (Stan loves that word which I planted in his vocabulary) is to convince a Japanese trading company to sell our "emerging" technology.

Stan believes that based on our axe-perience in Cuba, Bolivia, Chad, Pago-Pago and Indonesia, there is huge growth potential in Japan.

Stan called in a Japan business consultant who told Stan things he did not want to hear:

1-The utmost importance of quality

2-The use of a reputable reference point

3-Focus on building credibility, reliability and hard work, not bragging about a future technological capability.

Stan fired the consultant, using the services of an ultra cruel Ms Cynthia Axe, who chased the consultant out of our offices, whilst throwing rotten eggs in his direction.

I am now looking for a cost effective consultant who "mission" is "to convince the Japanese trading company to listen closely to Stan and take more risks." 

We pay by barter, within 120 days.