3 ways to easily eliminate software bugs

Haircut for our software bugs?

Our chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks held an "all hands" meeting following the decision to resolve the Greek debt crisis. The moment that Comrade Carl read the news that the crisis was "water under the bridge on the Danube" , he took out his megaphone and  herded his motley troops into the "Comrade General Zhukov Conference Room".

Behind Carl on a huge screen was a chart listing the 48,955 software bugs, 45% of which impact client revenue. The chart was in Russian, Chinese, Urdu, Tamil, Hindi, Hebrew and German. Yes, we have a new nerd named Lisl from Munich.

And then Carl spoke:

Kibinimat, I demand that 30% of this software bug list be administratively reduced, while another 43% of the bugs be re-branded as features.

If the Greeks can do it, so can we. 

Let's all rebel against the list of bugs, and topple HR while we are at it. We have 4 good arguments on our side-

1. The bugs are defined by clients who lack sophistication. 
2. The bugs' impact  are amplified due to sommerloch.
3. These clients have add no real value to the technology supply chain.
4. Kibinimat, we need to innovate and not focus on satisfaction. That's HR and Sales' role.

Then Comrade Carl pointed at me and said, "Gloria is the greatest, but she should dismantle HR and go back to Canada, kibinimat".

All the nerds stood up and applauded. Many of these nerds did not understand the Comrade's speech, but nevertheless support his leadership, despite what is written in wimpy management articles.

The HR piece

Here's your pet, Juliette

I resigned once! 

Juliette Caesar, the former VP of Sales, and CEO Stan had spent most of the day in a meeting to "set up expectations" about how to "move forward" in Sales. 

Juliette  focused on product quality issues while Stan tried to push "quality growing pains" aside. 

For lunch, Stan's personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein (who has mixed ethnicity), prepared the regular cost effective lasagna for Stan while Juliette asked for a Caesar salad, with some grilled chicken.  At 1400 (2pm) Stan texted me to join them for dessert. I love French vanilla ice cream, which was not available malheuresement, which means unfortunately.

As I sat with Stan and Juliette, I saw that Stan was smitten by her (just like he was with me, when I joined the firm as his HR business partner.)  

Stan could not take his weasel-like nasty eyes off her legs. This is natural, as it were. (In the "leg department", you take second place to no one Gloria... my gym teacher used to say)

As Stan spoke to me as he sent a series of angry text message to Wifey. "Gloria, Juliette wants to hire 5 engineers for her Sales team as well as a fully dedicated HR business partner, who can report to you "dotted line".

With ultimate cool, and with malice towards none, I resigned. This was such big data that Stan's jaw dropped. He even stopped texting Wifey.

Juliette Caesar smiled at me and said, "Oh Gloria, Stan has told me such great things about you. The HR "piece" is not critical as long as I get a proper level of support from your team".

Stan said, "I am sure you two ladies will be the best of friends". 

As I left the room, Stan started asking Juliette about "the use of cloud and big data to support the sales effort, and mitigate product quality issues."

Juliette lasted 6 months. I am still around. Mais oui!