Workforce on demand

Ms Axe is displaying initiative

Miss Cynthia Axe is studying Human Resource Management, level 4, at a night course at a publicly funded trashy community college. 

Level four focuses on downsizing, restructuring, efficiency, agile process improvement, managing human inventory levels, mid size data, and agile people skills. 

Last week, Cynthia told me that they had an agile guest lecturer (with a posh British accent) who spoke about "workforce on demand". Axe told me she had been up all night after the lecture, thinking about "how much more popular I would be if I did not need to fire people all day".

Never to be overtaken by my underlings, in line with my core value of agile talent management, I read a few texts and articles about "workforce on demand". To be frank and earnest, I think the idea makes no sense, unless my boss Stan indicates otherwise. (Stan is busy with the banks).

There are 2 reasons I am opposed:

1. What would I do with our engagement plan?
2. Who would respect HR as business partners, if all the staff were freelancers....although I like the "free" part.

I instructed the ambitious Ms Axe to take initiative on downsizing process improvement, in line with my core value of efficiency.

Talent is my middle name

Bottom line, we all need to contribute to the bottom line". Stan used the term "bottom line" twice in one sentence. And as he spoke, Stan was staring at Juliette Caesar's behind. Juliette is our new head of Sales.

I love term "bottom line"

"The time has come for all of us to stand together in the face of grave danger; there is no room for dissension".

This sentence was not muttered by a frustrated military commander or a banana republic political leader. Mais non! This was declared by Stan our CEO, as we examined the results of semi annual performance.

"Bottom line, we all need to contribute to the bottom line". Stan used the term "bottom line" twice in one sentence. And as he spoke, Stan was staring at Juliette Caesar's behind. Juliette is our new head of Sales. 

I suddenly became obsessed with maintaining my stature as an HR business partner. My late dad Pierre Elliot  always told me that obsession can be a useful pathology in the work place. Then it dawned on me!!! I can sell motivational tweets to our many department managers who are under performing. I can roll a huge profit and become more important than cloud computing, and on equal footing with big data.

I will offer 5 tweets for the price of 3, IE, 2 Euros a pop. Euro is a currency used in a few European countries, including Greece. 

To sell this idea internally, I have asked Hugh White from Diversity to be project manager. Hugh is a white boy who  is heterosexual, and married to the annoying yet sensual Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Kaganovich. 

When I entered Hugh's office to download this task, Hugh was reading an article on the Zika  virus from a diversity perspective.

Hugh accepted the task but it appeared that he was not listening, which reminded me how angry men make me feel.

                                                                 

  White and heterosexual

Skills gaps in HR

La  pénurie de compétences-that's French

Dear readers, who re-tweet me and who don't!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, constantly told me to be prepared: "you don't want to be caught with you pants down, do you Gloria". 

Dad was referring to a spelling exam in French which I failed because I had planned to cram and the exam was administered a day early. (I speak French very well but most French words are hard to spell, because the French throw in a lot of useless letters which are not pronounced).

Last week, I was visiting one of our remote offices, and happened to be located in a bomb shelter, where people have do not time to hate HR. Despite my being deep underground, I took part in a management conference call, during which I was asked about the "skill gap" in HR. Surprisingly, it was the Chairman of the Board who put me on the spot, as it were, with this prying and semi wow question.

In line with my core value of self preservation and pragmatic honesty, there are indeed skill gaps in my team that I need to address.

Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, does not appear to have a full deck of cards between his white ears. Besides his shameful skin colour, he also provides far too much irrelevant data about sexual preference and the value of "other" disabilities. Hugh provides lots of data, but none of it is big.

Cynthia Axe, my downsizing diva, has severe drawbacks. She speaks English only, whilst the nerds that she fires speak a myriad (not a French word) of languages. Axe lack a humane approach to her profession. When I asked her if she cannot be a bit nicer to people, Cynthia Axe said to me: "decide what the fuck you want from me, Gloria". Then she went home for a week, leaving me to do her grisly job.

I have no lack of skills that I can think of. I text quickly, I turn around a problem on a dime, I speak French and I am a thought leader. (I also dress impeccably).

Perhaps were I have more technical skills, I could manage R&D.

On one hand-will Blockchain Andy solve this one for me?

I need to think-and it is painful.

Executive Vice President of R&D Comrade Carl Marks' personality started to disintegrate after the release of our newest product which has 55,988 revenue impacting bugs.
Comrade Carl said that our "product is a pearl :  unsophisticated clients can go fuck themselves". Then he decided to take two weeks off "to do some banking in the Caribbean. 

Our CEO Stan hopes that I can help "re-integrate" the Comrade back to reality, in line with my core values of realignment.  

In a rare moment of transparency, our CEO Stan sent me a text acknowledging a wellbeing issue: "what can be done with Comrade Carl-he made need help, such as cost-effective coaching!"

A word about Comrade Carl-Carl's R&D team consists of Indians, Thais, Israelis,  Russians, Ukrainians and one old South African comrade named de Villiers.  Only 74% of the team understand him sometimes. Why? Well, Comrade Carl is a weirdo! American born and bred Marks not only speaks Russian most of the time with his team, but even when he speaks English, he has adopted a thick Russian accent. (for example, he mispronounces big data as "pik dayta").  

I could go on and on, but I won't in line with my core values of not going on and on. Carl does indeed need help of the HR ilk. I have several options:

On one hand, I could help Comrade Carl by providing him with coaching with my bare hands. I am a seasoned HR business partner, and coaching could have been my middle name.

On the other hand, I could hire a cost-effective coach, who may prove to be disloyal and undermine HR's professional authority.

On the third hand, I could dither and  enable Comrade Carl to fail, in line with my core value of self preservation.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say, "Gloria, mon chou, people do not have three hands".

I will sleep on this for a while and consult my blockchain named Andy. 

My tendency is to let nature take its course, given Comrade Carl's non wow attitude to HR.

Who does an HR manager/ thought leader want to date?

Je cherche un copain

When exasperated by my "untamed and unfocused" ambition as well as my shrill, demanding voice, Dad (Pierre Elliot) would tell me "We all know that you are not "easy", Gloria".

Dad warned me that finding a man will be challenging. "Men want peace and quiet. You are not there yet, mon chou".

Well I am 32 years old and I have become a thought leader as well as dignified, senior vice president of HR with a Blackberry Classic. And yes, I may be looking for a boyfriend, or, un copain.

I discussed this desire of mine with my coach, who also flips burgers, works in talent management and is studying Kaballah (not a French word)  although he is Presbyterian. He suggested that I tell all my admirers what I am looking for here on my blog .

My requirements are pretty simple; after all I am from a small town in Saskatchewan called Moose Jaw. I am looking for a lad with a lot of patience, very, very (2 verys) ambitious and over 6 feet tall. 

The only "non negotiable requirement" is that he must be a leading figure in big data. He must be able to translate big data data into a concrete work plan both for me, my subordinates (Axe and White), and provide me with a competitive and sustainable advantage in HR for a period of twenty years, when someone may replace me.

Residency in France helpful (I fly first class, svp).

Harnessing talent

Updating the Reverend Axe

Cynthia Axe managers our Early Bird Retirement Plan. She is a uni-lingual American who has been chosen least popular employee for 87 quarters straight.

The Reverend Oliver Axe, Cynthia's father, sent me postcard from Oklahoma, where Cynthia was born and where the Reverend Axe tends to his flock till today.

The Reverend Axe worries about Cynthia's "moral fibre"; this is a term Dad (Pierre Elliot)  never used. My Dad (Pierre Elliot)  was in the Royal Canadian Airforce, and not a preacher, thank god.

I wrote a very polite letter to the Reverend Axe that his little "petit choux" Cynthia, is executing her role well. 

However, I spared him the details of the text I received from CEO Stan today which read, "Gloria, did you harness the talent of young Ms Axe; please keep me abreast." 

I did not tell the Reverend Axe that recently, Cynthia received a new Blackberry Passport from Stan which stores lurid texts messages, as well as small, medium and big data.

I am not the worrying type, but when Stan uses terms like keeping abreast, or harness or Young Ms Cynthia Axe in one breath, I stop to think. I did not share these thoughts with the Reverend Axe.

I need to put this incident out of my mind. Luckily, I have so many texts to answer, that I do not think for too long. HR managers need to manage the contradiction between being, doing and thinking. I am pretty good at this; I just do.

Confusing English language skills with professional competence.

Mon dieu- this is worse than ERP HR implementation

On the plane coming home to Canada for the holidays, whilst my Blackberry was closed, I read a management article in Readers' Digest which claimed that "English language prowess may confuse US and Canadian based decision makers about professional competence; in some cases, gr8 candidates are passed over simply because another candidate speaks perfect English".

If you ask me, c'est des conneries. That's French. In other words, it is not big data.

Our CEO Stan can tolerate many things: Comrade Carl Marks' rambling, Wifey's nagging and Hugh White's irrelevance and stupidity. (Hugh heads our Diversity Department).

However, when Stan does not understand someone's accent, and has to say "can you repeat that, please", he gets migraines, overeats, and criticizes my HR business partnership.

As we expand our global presence into South Thailand, rural Ukraine and Mali, I have instructed the uni-lingual Cynthia Axe and the inept Hugh White to bring me only la crème de la crème of English speakers, who have other competencies.

By the way, when I got my job as HR manager,I did not disclose my French language skills,

because I did not want to be perceived as exotic.

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Hiring an OD change agent-and keeping him on a leash

Name of Role: Head of Training, Talent Management, Organizational Development and Knowledge Management

Reporting to: SVP HR Ms Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux

Role Description: Compliance to the direction I provide

Skills:

• Semi strategic and very tactical
• Slavish loyalty to boss
• Working mother with 3-5 children with no career aspirations
• Proven negotiation skill with hotels
• Proven skills in wow wow wow-ism and rah rahing
• Ability to feign understanding of business
• Native and fluent English skills, with a smattering of French
• Ability to understand the various accents in our Engineering department

Surprised? No need to be! 

Here's how it happened. CEO Stan texted me to come to his office. His wife (Wifey) had just read an article titles "Change From Within"; the article was a case study of a company which was "totally turned around" by a program driven by an internal "change agent" in HR. 

Stan gave me the article to read (it is a one pager) and immediately told me: "Let's give this a try, Ramsbottom". 

Then Stan added, "Chairman Ed's son-in-law, young Samuel Snake, appears to be a good candidate for setting up such a department "under your auspices, Gloria".

I reminded Stan about something he preferred I did not know (that has to do with him and a certain Ms Cynthia Axe). 

Ever the flexible CEO, Stan said, "As you wish Gloria. But set up the department and at least use Samuel Snake as an intern. That's an order".

An order is an order. So, I put together the above job description & published it. 

There are now almost 3 thousand people a day who read this blog, even in Indonesia, Scotland, the tip of Africa, Saudi Arabia (mais oui), Germany and even Denmark. Please refer people to me. I will accept a candidate from an offshore location, in line with my core value of "cheap labour".

I don't pay a placement fee, but I am a  pleasure to work with.

Not of interest to our employees

Minor adjustments

This is a compensation-related text message sent to all managers today at 12.00 Boston/Ottawa time. However, there is no need to bring the details of this text to the attention of our employees, since the issues are minor and there is no need to distract anyone from achieving our wow stretch goals.

"As we all focus on achieving our stretch goals for Q1, please note:

1- The location of our new parking facilities have been adjusted to enable more axe-rcise.

2-Lunch menus have been adjusted to allow for all tribal tastes to be satisfied, and the new $2 a portion "Diversity Tax" is automatically deducted for all tribal meals, eaten or not. Bon apetit. (That's French)

3-Cynthia Axe announces a new Alumni Club for folks who have been downsized in her Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

The name of the Club is "Ancien élève: Jang Song-thaek" or The Uncle Jang Alumnus Club.

All employees and axed-employees to get a membership card at $4 a card, deducted from salary/pension fund.

How to break into HR and start a wow career

Almost never be non discrete

I gave a lecture "How to Break into HR and start a wow career" this very morning to a Community College. The audience was a secretarial course, interspersed  with a few people from  a Purchasing and Supply Chain course. 

This was the ideal milieu to lecture to. Milieu is a French word.I delivered the lecture by Skype, as I was driving into work. (I was texting at the same time, on 2 phones!)

Here were the main points of what I said. They are like 10 commandments, although I do not frequent houses of worship.

1. Love of people is almost absolutely critical, and pleasing your boss is even more critical, without an `almost``.  If your boss views  people as spare parts, then he needs to watch a webinar on soft skills.
2. Texting is the essence communication. Texting (sending sms) is a mission critical skill for an HR manager. 400 words a minute on a Blackberry Priv is industry standard. 
3. COPensation and travel policy can be relegated to Finance because no one is ever happy and people need to love HR.
4. Big Data, if you ever understand what it is, may, or may not, be important. I think big data is erotic.
5. Designing Voice Menus for HR services is more important than texting.
6. Practice sitting down at a mahogany table, elegantly but with assertiveness. Sit like a ``lady``.
7. Hire someone like Cynthia Axe and pay her well, that your days may be long upon the Earth.
8. Don't use buzzwords; use words with impact like ``paperless``, ``stretch goals``, "leverage", "global", "internet-of-things", "sustainable" all the time.
9. Be discrete.
10. When you hear rumors, text them to your boss, although you must remain discrete.

Coaching Ms Cynthia Axe

Following the Q4 non wow results, revenues are being "adjusted" for 2017.  A certain Ms Cynthia Axe, who heads our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement plan, will have her white hands full, as we "right-size".

Hands full

In an attempt to blackmail me given her growing workload, Axe has recently complained of sore wrists, headaches and malaise. Malaise is a French word.

I  decided to preempt Ms Axe and reach out to her.

I gave Axe some coaching by text over the weekend and we solved 99% of the issues. (I am a certified coach, and I can use the letters CC after my name. Mais oui! CC is certified coach).

I shall give her a Blackberry Priv. Axe is American and it won't do her any harm to help my brothers Frank and Ernest, who work in Blackberry in Waterloo Canada. 

In line with her core value of blackmail, Ms Axe also wants to become a certified coach, so I am looking for a brief  course that will certify her in coaching, in line with my core value of co-opting her.

Here is the spec of the coaching course for Axe that I am looking for:

1-Brief (5 hours)

2-Wow

3-Discounted

4-Gives a  degree with letters to put after her family name, like MD or LLB.

5-Global and sustainable

6-prepare Axe for a PhD at a fairly unknown, but accredited, university