More than 3 corporate values cause confusion and lack of focus.

                             

Three is better than five. Trois. Mais oui

                           

As we end the first quarter, it is clear that we need to consolidate floor space, costs and head count. This wow wow consolidation will enable growth in 2021. The only thing we will not consolidate is the amount big data and sloganeering about Internet of Things.

HR has many wow tools to consolidate, two of which are Ms Axe's Early Bird Retirement Plan and our core values. This post is about values in service of consolidation.

Values (holy and sacred) are one of the key strategic tools of HR. 

We have all of our 5 key values plastered all over elevators, in English and other tribal languages. We even have one poster in Russian and French, neither of which are the languages of global business.

In order to lead consolidation by example, HR will trim the number of values from five to three. 

Three values appear more eloquent, more resilient and more sustainable than five.

"People company" will be included as a one of the three values  but will be renamed as "engagement driven people company".

Our other 2 values are

• Functional transparency
• Flexible ethics

Je suis Carl

A rally

The police woke me up  at 8 am and served me a summons for disturbing the peace. 

I was fast asleep clutching my Blackberry so I thought that this is all a misunderstanding. 

However when I opened the summons, I had been charged not personally but in my capacity as very senior HR director. Apparently there is an illegal demonstration going on outside our office disturbing the peace.

My Dad Pierre Elliot said that police need to be pitied, because they have to deal with the "under-life" and they are all underpaid. (Dad had no understanding of labour costs.)

The police whipped out his ugly Iphone and said, "let me show this to you ma'am". I invited him in, in line with the my core value of not getting a cold.

He showed me a tape of Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks and his entire crew of engineers (big data and internet of things) blocking off the road that leads to our firm. 

There must have been 400 of them, many of whom look foreign. They were all speaking different tongues, like the in the Tower of Babel, as it were. I remember that from Bible Class.

Comrade Carl boomed out: Kibinimat, I am sick and tired of Engineers taking the blame for unsophisticated customers complaints and piss poor  performance of our Sale steam. We demand social justice. We demand better compensation. We demand less focus on quality and more focus on innovative software. And we demand that HR free lunchers all get the ax. 

The workers waived their fists in the air and chanted : 

Je suis Carl. 

Swing swing tabernac, RH au poteau! (HR to the pillory)

That's French.

My CEO claims, "I may not need HR"

Stan wants us all to be nice

CEO Stan sent a text to Hugh White (the heterosexual White Boy who runs Diversity), a certain Ms Cynthia Axe who heads "People Shredding/Downsizing Department" and to me: "be in my office at 800 am, and don't dare to be late".

My dad, the late Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that when you are well paid, you need to put up with "a lot of shit". I am well paid.

The meeting began on time yet Stan continuously gawked at Ms Axe, of whom he keeps abreast.

Stan showed 5 slides in a ppt called, "Why I may not need an HR Dept".

Slide One: People here are not fucking civil or nice to one another.

Slide Two: Emerging-technologies and Sales have fist fights.

Slide Three: When I took a leak yesterday, I heard people gossiping that leadership here sucks. They were referring to me!

Slide Four: Either HR is worth our investment, or all 3 of you are out on your fucking asses.

Slide Five: I want a civil and "nice" environment within a week. Now get your HR business-partnership butts out of here and shake a leg.

I would define the meeting with Stan as challenging or non wow. So I need a consultant.

As readers of this blog know,  I think coaching/consulting is dead. However, if there is one thing I can tell you about these  snake oil consultants is that they are nice. 

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me that I should always be careful of people who are "too nice".

I picked up my phone and called 3 OD consultants. They were all asked to prepare a "Be Civil and Nice" campaign. I told them that the work is pro bono, and each agreed as long as I signed my autograph on their business card.

I told each OD consultant that they would also be charged $500 for my management time, and all agreed.

At the end of the day, I chose an English-speaking, smooth, impressive, tall, single and charming  consultant, who also is an blockchain expert, who agree to tutor me in with tips and OD techniques.

When the blockchain geeks take over

#2

I heard lots of noise from the R&D conference room. The noise consisted of nerds speaking in foreign tongues, loud Hindi, Russian, Hebrew, Ukrainian and Cantonese music blazing from mobile phones, and Comrade Carl Marks holding a megaphone, addressing his motley group of blockchain engineers.

Comrade Carl bellowed: "Without your support, I would never have been appointed as second in command. Kibinimat, I am going to change things. We will not waste our time on quality. We will bury tactical bugs in the internet of things. I will set up a union and liberate all of us from the ladies of HR's tyranny". 

Even by Carl's standards, I was shocked by his hallucinations.

Suddenly, I got a text from Cynthia Axe the head of "Load-shedding" and Early Bird Retirement. "Have you heard about Carl's promotion to be number 2"?

When Axe wrote "have you heard", I knew she smelt blood. No one is as bloodthirsty as a junior HR employee.

I walked at a quick clip into CEO Stan's room. I did not even knock at the door, although I am posh. Stan was standing at the door as I came in and he said:

 "Gloria, you are the first lady of HR-so I am giving you a new Toyota Prius. Here are the key's! Let's go to the parking lot!"

I want to reaffirm that a key component of the success of a senior HR manager is business partnership with the boss.

My new Prius says it all- I am an agile, highly valued and well paid HR business partner.

Comrade Carl and I will iron out our many differences.

Business partner