Who is the most unpopular employee for 24th straight quarter.

Cynthia Axe heads our Early Bird  Retirement Plan

Cynthia Axe was chosen most unpopular employee for the 24th straight quarter. Ms Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan (aka Load-Shedding) , which has been described by some as "involuntary".

Cynthia commissioned a coach who is supporting "The Rebranding of Ms Axe". 
As part of her branding strategy, Ms Axe started working Sundays as a parking lot attendant. Furthermore she set up a LinkedIn page, and, Axe has asked me and Comrade Carl Marks for a letter of reference.

Comrade Carl wrote: "Cynthia keeps abreast of performance levels and her action is swift and accurate. You can count on her to put skin in the game". Comrade Carl Marks

I wrote: "A certain Cynthia Axe has a zeal for executing her job with vigor, creating a unique user experience.  Axe is an obedient follower and knows an HR thought-leader when she sees one; thus her long term service with me. Her texting skills are above average making her highly employable. Her popularity is a challenge, but she responds well to fear and coaching. Ms Axe is almost as intelligent as the average bot.

Mais oui!

HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service

I need some HR creativity

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, has had a stormy relationship with HR. Carl seems to feel that HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service.

Strangely, Comrade Carl sees HR as the "guardian of the status quo!"  To be frank and earnest, Comrade Carl strikes me as a weirdo. He was born and bred in the USA; indeed he got his PhD at some unknown Russian polytechnic university, yet he thinks, behaves and drinks like a Russian; he also swears like a Russian! 

Yet today our relationship underwent a change.

Comrade Carl meandered into my office (after having smoked a joint in the parking lot) with a huge smile on his face. "Hi Glo, you look better than ever today! Pizdets, we have an issue-let's talk, sweety".

Comrade Carl told me that 2 weeks before the new product release, 5 engineers, Igor, Igor, Svetlana, Svetlana and Svetlana all have asked for a raise, immediately. Since "sufficient documentation" of the product is not available, WE need to think twice before we say no. After all, WE do not want this failure on OUR shoulders, do we, Gloria?"

Then Comrade Carl said a few words to me in French. Comrade Carl speaks very good French, and he even swore using a few choice Quebec expressions, which I shan't repeat because readers won't know what this is all about. He went on-

"So Gloria, in the spirit of transparency and cooperation, I wanted to tell you that CEO Stan has oked a 30 K ``stay bonus`` for all five employees and he has asked me to make sure that WE stay within the budget for total cost of headcount. Please handle this`professionally, and update Stan before you go home. By the way, Glo, you are a great business partner.`

British blockchains are part of our morning buffet

Our core values: weekly update

Here are the weekly update of our scared core values:

• Work work work work life balance
• Wear T shirt that says  "I love  British Blockchains"
• Deference to CEO 
• People (on Wednesdays)
• Diversity and good English 
• Being brief, positive & sophisticated, like a tweet.
• Leverage big data to satisfy Stan's fetish
• Admiration for HR business partnership, including voting for HR as the most valued department in our annual survey.
• Being perky

Please ensure these eternal, weekly values are sprinkled in your speech.

Hang them in your cubicle.

Use them as  your screen saver.
And most of all, say "in line with our core values"!

I will send them out as a text message as well, backed up by a Whatsapp, BBM, Viber and email.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom