Holidays at home can be depressing

I broke 2 vows

When I flew home to Moose Jaw, Canada for the Christmas holidays, I vowed that I would not allow my mother (Constance) to get under my skin, and I also vowed to stay away from email and texting.

So far, progress on these two vows has been semi wow.

Maman (Mom) is loosing her memory and as a result, she repeated a few questions:

   Gloria, when are you coming home for Christmas?

   Gloria, are you still in Manpower?

   Gloria, do you ever plan to "settle down"?

Developing matrices is a major part of HR business partnership, so I noted that she asked each question about three times an hour.

When Maman really got on my nerves an hour after I arrived, I opened my email, where I found a greeting from CEO Stan.

To Gloria, HR

From Stan, CEO

Gloria,

How is it in Canada?  Must be colder that a witch's tit "up there".

I hope you take the time to be with your mother and siblings, as well as reflect on a few issues, if you have time.

You need to find a way to boost morale, and at the same time, realign our health plan to our core values of thriftiness. I reviewed the numbers, and people complain too much, and our health plan is too fucking expensive.

What is all this diversity shit about, Gloria? I don't care who is normal and who is not-we need to make the numbers. So, what do you suggest in terms of trimming 80% off Hugh White's $3000 budget? That will create more of a focus.

Finally, there is too much tension between you and Comrade Carl. Carl is a prince! He bought Wifey some caviar and gave her an article to read on Internet of Things. Build a bridge to the Comrade, Gloria.

Oh yes, one last thing. We need some hype when you get back. A German company is going to be doing due diligence and I want the troops to be positive. You are great at that hype stuff.

Merry Christmas.

Stan

What are the top priorities of Internet of Things?

What a bitch

To: Stan, CEO

From: Juliette.Caesar-Sales

CC: Gloria Ramsbottom-HR; Comrade Carl Marks-R&D

My dear Stanley, 

My life coach has taught me that absolutely everything should be transparent! After a few days in the company, I want to share my insights about the firm in a spirit of openness. 

I am of the impression that you provide stellar leadership to our team, and without you, we would be up shit's creek.

After having examined the product suite, I am having trouble understanding the motives-behaviour  of a certain Comrade Carl Marks, who heads the Internet of Things/Big Data Division. 

Perfecting Ukrainian grammar tops  his priority list-and he speaks with a heavy Russian accent although he is American. These symptoms worry me, so to speak. However, he does appear rather dashing in his picture which I saw at the entrance to the  Big Data department. 

BTW, people in Internet of Things should speak some English.

Your HR gal Gloria is very tactical. She seems obsessed with sending text messages, even as we were having lunch. Her downsizing diva (Ms Axe-what a name)) dresses very seductively.

I am at a loss to why her Diversity Manager (Hugh White) is both white and heterosexual. Doesn`t this miss the point....so to speak. 

Gloria's French accent is appalling....very rural.

I look forward to upgrading our product infrastructure so as to enable us to beat Sales expectations.

Yours forever,

Caesar, Juliette

Head of Sales

Dashing and bizarre