Managing Russian nerds in War Time

Comrade Karl Marks, our Chief Nerd and User Experience Guru,  told me that he is faced with the "management challenge of his lifetime".

260 of his nerds hail from Russia, 78 of whom are named Svetlana or Vadim. 

Up until yesterday, there were 259 pictures of Putin on the walls of our cubicles. The one cubicle wall without the aforementioned picture was that of Comrade Karl himself, who has a picture of himself wearing a cape and holding a Uzi. 

As war broke out Comrade Carl sent out an email invitation for a ten o'clock meeting to "all nerds who speak Russian". 

This email was recalled by Mister Hugh White, the Head of our Diversity Section. Hugh White is straight and white as a lily.

 Hugh recalled the email because "one cannot exclude English, Scottish, Hindi or Hebrew speakers from receiving emails, or else we will be sued for linguistically dising our staff". 

This was the first time Hugh has used the word "dis".

At 10.00 every single nerd in his department assembled in the Vladimir Putin Meeting Room, which had been hastily renamed the "Stalingrad Salon".

Comarade Carl went to the podium with a cup of Borsht in his hand and wearing T shirt with a picture of Gorbachev, including the birthmark on his forehead. "Comrades, this is a great day, if you are a warmonger. Kibinimat, who the f-ck is a warmonger in 2022? But hey, since when did the world make sense". 

The nerds threw rice at Comrade Carl, as often happens in non-western settings. One of our nerds, Nickolay, asked Comrade Carl if he had served in the Red Army. Comrade Carl asked me: "Gloria, check my CV-my memory is slipping as I age". 

Carl, of course, had served in the Red Army, when he was hospitalized for paranoia when he went to Ohio State University. After he was released, he started speaking with a Russian accent and studied Software as part of his rehab.

However, I did not share this information. Discretion is the mother of virtue.

Introducing Unlimited Vacation

 

9 Sanjays,  all 14 Svetlanas, 6 Moshes and old de Villiers burst into my office along with Comrade Carl Marks, their boss and the unstable Head of R & D. 

They sat down on the lovely carpet and started to chant- "We'll close the whole plantation without unlimited vacation". Notice the rhyme. They also demanded unlimited teletrabajo (working from home), more spicy food and better chopsticks on Chinese Food Day.

Of course, it is very difficult to catch me unprepared. But they did. 

That very night, I invited the whole jama'a (gang) to a Chinese restaurant to announce our new unlimited perks plan. Each nerd was told to pay for what they ordered but  that HR would transfer $5 to their salaries for the meal when Herr Krebbs our CFO oks this expense. Herr Krebbs is now in the Black Forest, looking for some cash.

Here is the new policy, word for word, as  I announced it after the nerds placed their orders.

"We value the wellbeing of our nerds. We know that back in your homelands, you all  lived a life of want. And we know how important Green Cards are. 

We also know that unlimited paid vacation is great. In Romania, the government used to hand out free apartments. But there was no food. And few public toilets.

Starting today, any nerd who wants to go on vacation can do so. All he or she or it needs to be is take a laptop computer, keep the mobile phone on 24 hours a day, take customer calls, listen to the daily podcast HR Cares and tell their kids to shut up during conference calls. This offer expires at midnight.

The nerds stared throwing rice at me and chanting-Gloria-Gloria, you bring us Euphoria". That rhymes also.

It was 23.59 (11.59 pm) when my speech ended. At midnight, the nerds paid their bills, boarded their motorbikes and drove home. 

Another day in the life of the first lady of HR.