Guide to Working on site in Capsules to avoid spread of Corona Virus using brilliant Israeli artificial intelligence and common sense

 

 

No more teletrabajo. Tak

Comrade Carl Marks, our chef nerd, Head of Product Development and Head of User Experience, went directly to our CEO Stan to demand that we all return to work on site.  The comrade claimed that “with the new Russian vaccine having been administered, our nerds are as safe as a Russian spy in a safe house in London during the days of Kim Philby”. Stan noted that Comrade Carl uses strange metaphors when his meds are not balanced.

Comrade Carl suggested that “Gloria use an Israeli consulting service to plan the work capsules, because the Israelis have created a model that enables sheep to live in peace along with hungry wolves in the very same field”. CEO Stan had just read the morning news, said to the Comrade, “Carl do your own fucking job, not other peoples’ job. The Israelis handle corona like Zimbabwe manages their economy.”

Stan texted me (using WhatsApp) and told me that “your job is to get everyone back on site, in safe work capsules, by Monday morning. For a lady of your cunning, this should be no problem at all. After all, you wrap everything up in mumbo-jumbo like a modern day Houdini, who was a magician. By the way, I agree with Comrade Carl about his request to work on site. Just because of few Spanish academics push this teletrabajo fashion trend, we don’t behave like the Spaniards, for Christ sake. Since when have Americans imitated the Spanish? They eat supper at midnight!”

To be honest, there are very few problems that I cannot answer when I put on my thinking cap. You don’t need to speak fluent Greek in order to be creative. Or perfect German. English and French are Latin are good enough. 

Here are the outlines of our Work Capsule Program-

Workers whose family names start with any letter from A to P will work at the office on Sundays and Thursdays. Family names starting with Q to Z except for R will work on site on Tuesday and Fridays. The red bus line will be used by people whose first name starts with C D E F G H I or J.  The red shuttle line operates on Mondays. People from minority groups (Blacks, Asian, Jews, worldly Americans and White English-speaking engineers), will work on Wednesday and use the blue line, which has yet to be commissioned. Exception management will be handled by a hot line and eventually by a Swiss blockchain. You will get a phone code within a month. Anyone can pray in large groups within and between capsules even if they are coughing blood and pus.

I texted this policy to CEO Stan, mentioning by the by that I had consulted an Israeli expert with vast experience in solving complex problems. I did so in order to gain face validity, because Stan says that the Israelis are good at fighting wars. Stan answered me with a text quoting a Swiss philosopher, “this is not a war, for shit’s sake; it’s a virus. I am cancelling your valet parking”.

No more valet parking

Preparing pre-recorded participation in a Zoom call

The Glo bot

Many of our nerds keep very strange schedules now that they are working from their homes, tents or caves. 

Some of the nerds have returned to living according to the time zone of their native lands; some have reverted to eating huge meals at 23.00 (11 PM); some Nordic nerds eat fish for breakfast and thus, don't feel like working until noon.

As a result, Zoom conferences are scheduled for all sorts of weird hours, many of which are not aligned with the time flow of a regular, normal person, such as me. Last week, for example, the following Zoom calls were held:

0500-0530 Dormant non agile features on our new release

2230-2330 Rename features to obfuscate user experience until marketing covers the blemishes
0130-0300 Is our product trans-friendly?

For lesser HR ladies than me,  the control, command and communication baton of HR has been decimated by the so called corona virus by dint of all work being done remotely, but I have devised a pre-recorded participation of HR ladies (and Diversity men) which can be inserted into all meetings whatever time they are held. So we can remain powerful and live our lives in this new epoque of total chaos, depression and re-orientation.

How have I done so? Well,I have developed the Glo-bot and the Hugh White Straight white Diversity-bot, which insert pre-canned comments every 5 minutes into Zoom calls.

Here are some prime examples of what these bots say.

Glo-bot

• Now look here. Wait a minute. What about the people dimension?
• Let's factor a pinch of well-being into the equation,and make ensure blockchain compatibility.
• Please talk slowly. I cannot understand your tribal accent.
• He sang as he stowed that jumbuck in his tucker bag. Head count is frozen.
• Intrinsic motivation is more important than silly old money.
• Mais oui, mais non. That does not follow process.    

 Hugh White Straight White-bot

• Praying 9 times a day is not a compliance issue, but we will dock your pay.
• Let's strike a balance twixt sexual orientation and competence.
• Black lives matter, but if you aren't black,don't worry. It's not dangerous to work here.

For more pre-recorded scripts, stay tuned. Tak.  

The death of organizational surveys-long live on line feedback.

Small data and bad news

CEO Stan texted me yesterday:

"Gloria what is the value of our upcoming organizational survey? Far too often, the results of these surveys purvey bad news about old fashioned

parameters like job satisfaction or trust. Stan"

I fired our survey vendor this morning, via WhatsApp, backing it up with a brief email. Then I put on my thinking cap and reinvented myself, from a survey point of view. Here is why and how I replace our organizational survey.

Organizational surveys "administered" by old fashioned, dinosaur-like OD consultants indeed make no sense. (My late Dad Pierre Elliot told me that in some cases, fear is more important than trust. He said that after he caught me misbehaving, as it were.)

The more nerdish HR becomes, the more sustainable value we will provide. Isn't that a great sentence? In the spirit of the nerdish HR business partner, our HR department will provide (under my auspices) an agile online feedback dashboard for all nerds, management and G&A. The dashboard, based on big data, will be updated every 3 seconds to provide positive news and feedback on 3 key 

mission-critical performance parameters.

1-Willingness to sacrifice our well-being in the short term to achieve work work work life balance

2-Willingness to use the slogan of the month daily, or twice daily (this month it is #engagement-via-synergy)

3-Respect for HR as a business partner.

The dashboard will illustrate only good news and big data.

Bad news will be conveyed to the dashboard of Ms. Cynthia Axe, who will take corrective action when the dashboard shows non wow results.

Ms. Axe heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, which is semi voluntary.

The Head of Diversity, a certain Hugh White, the heterosexual lad whose skin has a white hue, will ensure that the dashboard has a Ukrainian and Russian interface for the use of our nerds from Malta, Poland, Denmark, Hungry (?), 

the FSU and Asia.

Under my auspices

Team Building activity is a semi wow

5 wows

This past weekend, our entire staff and families were on a  picnic, "to forge one team and develop a sense of unity of direction, in alignment with our key value of happy but cheap labour."

The event was orchestrated by a certain Hugh White, from Diversity. Hugh is both a heterosexual and white as a lily.

In a post-mortem, CEO Stan called the camping event non wow; Chief big data nerd Comrade Carl Marks labelled the event as "semi-wow", Cynthia Axe was undecided  whilst I think it was a quadruple wow, ie wow, wow, wow, wow.

Readers, judge for yourself how many wows the picnic was, in line with my core value of delegation.

1) Comrade Carl and his team of nerds separated into various ethnic groups, conversing in tribal dialects  including Russian, Chinese, Urdu, Hindi, Hebrew and English with a Singapore accent. (The ladies of HR and Sales were in one white group, conversing in English).

2) All the wives (who speak some  English) cornered our CEO Stan and asked about "why working hours are so long and pay is so low". Stan looked for me but I was texting my sister and did not see him beckoning me over.

3) Sarah Barracuda, Head of Procurement, got into a fist fight with Comrade Carl Marks about supply chain issues. Carl was treated by Ms Cynthia Axe, who read a book on first aid.

4) Wifey and I sat in a corner and discussed her latest reading recommendation on the impact of Confucian unequal relationships on management practices.

5) IT VP Winston Wu stayed at home, managing yet another IT crisis, since none of the Blackberry Classics were synchronizing with Google Calendar.

6) Stan gave a motivational (engagement) speech, and Comrade Carl Marks  contradicted Stan 3 times. All our staff was ecstatic, especially the (3%) English speakers who understood what Stan said. Our nerds threw rice on Comrade Carl, was was stoned during the whole event.