The Dangers posed by High Performance

Hi performers need my special attention

Although CEO Stan and I generally communicate by text, today, Stan sent me a email with an attachment about our high performers! Mais oui!

In the email, Stan pointed out some non-sustainable issues around the high performers in our company. And I quote.

a-There are too few high performers from the "Big Data A Team", Engineering or Sales, as opposed to a plethora of high performers in HR, such as Cynthia Axe.

b-High performers tend to earn "too much money" and are "overly eager" to be promoted "all the time".

c-Instead of motivating mediocre people to become high performers, everyone seems to wonder why they themselves are not high performers.

d-What message are we giving to our company, given the fact that the erratic #IoT chief, Comrade Carl Marks, has been classified as a high performer since Joseph Stalin was premier of Russia.

e-Some high performers, like Thor Smartahss from the algorithm team in the Faroe Islands, have "too many ideas".

I suggested to Stan to draw up a plan that "will enable us to leverage high performance without upsetting the apple cart". Now I need to figure out what this means. I will use big data.

Gloria considers career change-from HR manager to hair dresser.

CCM

There is no reason in the world why employees should not be engaged.  However, sometimes I encounter non- wow situations, which call for HR intervention. For example, Let's look at HR vrs Engineering to compare levels of  engagement.

                               Engagement in HR

• Thank heavens there are no engagement issues in HR.
• I love my work; “people” is my middle name on Thursdays.
• Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) feels axe-hillarated at the end of each week that she meets her downsizing quota.
• Every time that Diversity Chief Hugh White learns something weird about someone’s sexual life, he is engaged for days,as if he had found a big data mine.

                            Engagement in Engineering

There is, however, an engagement problem in Engineering.  

• Our new product now has 45989 identified bugs; even worse, the product “reboots” when more than 30 users log in.
• Comrade Carl Marks, R&D Chief, believes that these technical issues are “service related”.
• Nevertheless, CEO Stan has insisted that Comrade Carl’s engineers deal with product stability issues until HR hires a service manager.

Ciboire, I should have become a hair dresser.

                               Wifey Intervenes 

I received a text from Wifey (Stan’s wife): “Gloria, use spot bonuses to motivate Comrade Carl’s people. Wifey.”  

3 seconds later, I got a text from Stan, “Have you acted on Wifey’s text? Stan”

                             Gloria acts

I convened a meeting of my HR team to deal with Wifey's proposal.

Cynthia Axe “declined” and white heterosexual Diversity Hugh White was in court, defending our company’s stellar Diversity Policy, after someone anonymous complained that “Diversity should be more than hiring a Scot at the switchboard”.

I put together a spot bonus program to reward engagement.   

•     For each product stability issue solved, an engineer with receive an extra cheese coupon, to be used with pizza ordered after 11 pm at work (on Fridays only).
•     For every 100 revenue impacting bugs solved, an engineer will get a trip to Moscow (February) in an unheated dacha on the Volga River.
•     Comrade Carl Marks will get a discretionary budget deflated 4000 rubles to slip into his staff’s pockets, in “collaboration” with VP HR Gloria Ramsbottom and in full alignment with Hugh White. The allocation of this slush fund is big data.

This post is dedicated to Comrade Ilana from Israel and Monsieur Thibadeau from Quebec City, Gloria’s loyal fans. Spasiba and merci.

AS