4-ways to become a truly authentic leader

authentique-c'est moi

If you ask me, you do not need to use big data or hail from Scandinavia or Denmark to acknowledge the importance of authenticity.

As a matter of fact, HR under my helmsmanship sees authenticity views pretty much the same way that Angela Merkel views the absorption of hundreds of thousands Middle East refugees who are on the run. 

By "on the run", I am not referring to a stomach ailment. (My Dad used to use Philips Milk of Magnesia).

The complexity of authenticity is in its implementation, especially since HR is both senior business partner and plays host (weekly) to People Day, every Tuesday.

I cannot give away all my secrets about how I remain genuine and authentic, but I can share a few, in line with the core values of lip service to a sharing economy.

a- On people day, I sign my name, Authentically yours, Gloria.

b-I shed a (crocodile) tear when downsizing people over 64.

c-Although I am a refined lady, I smile at sexist and chauvinist jokes, much to the chagrin of the White heterosexual boy who manages Diversity, Hugh White.
d-I use smileys to show delight. ;) ;) 

Chagrin

One sure way to prompt up a sagging image

Keeping Gloria abreast-Hugh White

Comrade Carl Marks and his team of nerds were at a training offsite today dedicated to the subject of Image Enhancement for a Failing Product.

HR had organized a cost effective vendor who was ready to deliver the training for free.

I had promised this hungry vendor more work in 2022 if the session went well.

However, Comrade Carl, who was supposed to open the offsite by introducing the trainer, took the microphone and talked from 0800 until 1300. When he finished his diatribe, he told his nerds that they were free to take the rest of the day off, and thanked the training vendor for her patience. "Spasiba, you can go home Tovarish (Comrade)."

Since the trainer was not white and hardly spoke English, I had asked the white heterosexual boy Hugh White, who runs diversity, to attend the offsite. Hugh sent me the following email.

Hi Gloria,

Comrade Carl spoke for 5 hours straight. To make a long story short, the comrade criticized Western civilization for excess litigation and “harping on product weakness” like a "laf-laf". 

The comrade stated that many mid-eastern societies solve problems  via intermarriage between tribes and clans. “Kibinimat, Saudi Arabia would fall apart at the seams without intermarriage between the tribes”, claimed Carl. 

Then Carl said that the complaints about the product were “hear-say”, imperialist propaganda, and baseless. “As a matter of fact, if Gloria were to marry the unhappy CEO of Zimbabwe Public Utilities, all of their complaints about our product would disappear, like a herring on the table of a hungry Dane.” Then the comrade added, "marrying Gloria is probably the ultimate user experience".

Comrade Carl added, “we all know that HR is useless, but if Gloria were to marry this “bloke”, all of us would line up and wash her cold Canadian feet.”

Gloria, I suggest checking Carl’s medication. My guess is that he is drinking vodka whilst under the influence of Cipralex 20 mg.

Humbly submitted,

Hugh White, (Head of Diversity and Right Hand Man of the right honourable Gloria Ramsbottom)

Saudi style
Words of wisdom from the Comrade

Recruitment - a client POV

Chief Big Data Nerd Comrade Carl Marks invited me to attend the weekly meeting of his nerds. 
Carl kissed me when I entered the room. He smelt like he had just smoked a joint and had a glass of vodka next to him on the podium. 

This is what he had to say:

On religion and HR

“Nerds, I want to give you a few mission-critical messages today. 
So turn off your god damn cell phones and listen to me, kibinimat. And if the nerd next to you falls asleep, wake him or her up. These messages of mine are big data.

“Religion grabs people by the balls and then controls what they eat. All religions are the same, and each religion is worse than the other. That’s the first point. 

Secondly, clients and leadership are like religious beliefs. They want to promise happiness in the next life. But we all know that there is no next life. 

And worse, the primitive clients who complain about our software lack sophistication and savvy, much like the arrogant and righteous priests, imams and rabbis who screw us all over day and night.

However...

I want you to all know that HR is worse than religion and clients lumped together. Because HR would have us all believe that they are here to take care of us.  And they don’t. They screw us with procedures and rules and drown us in slogans. Why are we all working so hard?  Because of HR! HR cannot recruit a loyal Cossack to the Russian army. They cannot locate a posh Englishman reading the Times of London on a tube at Oxford Station. They cannot find a Dane who likes to eat herring. HR cannot find a Frenchman on holiday in August. HR is useless. Poshel na hui.

Now as you can see, I have invited Gloria to this meeting. On a personal level, I love Gloria. She is salt of the earth. Sodium is bad for you, but you get used to it. I got used to Gloria, but she must transfer all HR duties to IT or legal. If you ask me, all you need for HR is an “enter” button, or a member of the KGB, CIA or Mossad.”

That was the end of the meeting. 

My Dad always told me “never expect your internal customer to kiss your bum”.

HR is not a cup of tea