Google and my blog

My dear readers,

My Dad, the late Pierre Elliot, always warned me that "with greatness comes headaches".

At 6 am when I opened my eyes and stretched out my hand to open my Blackberry Passport, I read an email that Google agreed to publish advertisements on my blog.

Naturally I felt wow wow wow, (3 wows) although I was not surprised.

Then, I read a text message from CEO Stan: "Gloria, good work. Meet me at the office at 8". Always prompt and responsive, I staggered into Stan's room. "Do me a favour Gloria. In your blog, don't mention the 3 pictures I have on my wall." I won't go into details now, but one of those pictures is a picture of Kim Jong Un (one). 

Who are the other 2?

Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs my Diversity department, also had a request. (Hugh is reading a book on "Sexual Orientation and the Internet of Things".)

Hugh asked of me, "Do me a favour, Gloria, in your blog don't mention that my wife Ludmilla's maiden name is Khrushchev. It just gets me another black eye".

Hugh White gets a black eye from wife - Comrade Ludmilla K White 

The jocund Comrade Carl Marks, Head of R&D came into my room, smoking a cigar dipped in cognac. "Gloria, congratulations. I heard you have a blog with advertisements. What the hell do you write about? HR is useless, kibinimat. Do me a favour-write a blog about the internet of things and you'll get more hits, make money and resign. I love you Gloria and you have lovely legs. But HR blogs are like necrophilia-HR is dead"

What is there to write about, kibinimat?

Mom just called me. She is losing her memory. Mama asked me "Gloria, is Google advertising on your manpower blog? When are you getting married? Is Google advertising on your manpower blog?

Our clients could be as happy as pigs in shit, claims Comrade Carl Marks

Ladies of HR

To: Gloria, HR; Juliette; Sales, Stan, CEO

From: Comrade Carl Marks

Bcc: Big data cloud

Gloria and Juliette,

Lay off critiquing out great product.You two ladies simply don't get it. And believe me, I respect women in business. Enough is enough and poshel na hui!

We have just done 50 hours of testing on our new product. The results show that most of the so called bugs often disappear after a fairly simple reboot. However, our clients lack sophistication and the level of customer service we supply is a disaster.

Now, let’s cope with this as a team to get to the two root cause of our issues.

1) Juliette’s sales team cannot sell lemonade on a hot beach. The sales folks wine, dine and womanize and the results are 0, zilch, nada. Our product is a pearl yet the sales folks don’t know how to explain the added value of our technology.

2) The ladies of HR cannot recruit a loyal Russian to the Red Army. HR dilly dallies with procedures, nickel and dimes the staff, and tries to prevent unionization, which would serve us all well. If HR were to hire and train 4 service engineers who speak Albanian, Thai and Russian, our clients would be as happy as pigs in shit. Instead, HR floats slogans, farts (pardon me) and tap dances on the stage.

Based on this finding, I demand that our engineers get better proper support from Sales and HR.

FYI, the R&D team is going on a team outing to London, to see how a civilized people treat one another under pressure. Ramsbottom, please text me the budget code.

Comrade Carl Marks

R&D Chief

Useless hearsay vrs bigdata-what impacts Sales performance

Paltry?

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks lurched into my office today, huffing, puffing and cursing in Russian. "Kibinimat, did you read the email from Juliette Caesar"?

Juliette is the Head of Sales. Her "numbers" this quarter are "as poor as a church mouse", as my dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say.

I opened my PC and read her email, which was far too long (over 100 words);  it violated our b brief policy.

"The major factors impacting the poor sales results are 

• 307,989 revenue impacting software bugs, 
• poor documentation, 
• products lack perceived added value, 
• poor reviews in domain literature, 
• attitude problems of the R&D manager Comrade Carl Marks who insists on feigning a Russian accent, 
• lack of linguistic skills of the customer service staff, 
• constantly changing specs for the next release." 

Juliette added: "The paltry sum our sales team receives is the cherry on top of the cake. The HR EVP, Gloria Ramsbottom, appears to be a mindless clerk focused on her own power."

I never knew that Juliette had such observation skills. 

Imho, Juliette will be "down for the count" before our Christmas party, which the Chinese, Jews and Muslims will attend, as per our global company diversity policy.

Dad used to watch Friday Night Boxing, piped in by cable TV from the States. I would always hear him yell, "Christ, he's down for the count, tabernac".

What is clear to me is that Ms Caesar did use some big data to make her argument, but she also used some useless hear say, as it were.

My suggestion to Ms Caesar and her mainly white and perfect English speaking team sales team will be to listen to a webinar on the power of positive attitude and spread some positive vibes around. 

That`s what my coach says to me all the time.

He used to pump gas.

Teaching our staff about Korean culture

When I arrived at work this morning, I happened to pass by the office of our CEO Stan and I heard some yelling and screaming.

Since I am Stan's HR business partner, my office is right next to his!  As I entered my room, I glued my ear to the wall, in line with my core value of "gathering big data".

CEO Stan told Comrade Carl Marks, head of Emerging Technologies, that that he had received a call from a Korean client's CEO who described our new product was a "piece of pure shit"; only 5 out of 40,888 features were operative. 

A very enraged Stan bellowed, "Comrade Carl, go to the customer site and solve the problem, and don't come back without a solution. Now get out of my office and get on a plane, Comrade Carl."

Comrade Carl came into my room, smiling as if he had just smoked a joint in our parking lot. `Gloria, I am sending 4 engineers to a customer site tonight. They need training about Korean culture, some added engineering skills in Internet of Things,communication skills, etiquette and a piece on managing customer expectations. They will leave to Seoul in 6 hours, so kindly have this training delivered to them in a webinar directly to their cellphone on the way to the airport. Spasiba``.

Comrade Carl has a sexual fetish for the Russian language and I have learnt that ``spasiba`` means thank you.

Immediately, I texted a training vendor in Lesotho, who had asked me for an ``opportunity to prove myself`` and I ordered the webinar. I charged the vendor $1000. 

I asked Hugh White (from Diversity) to do some `quality control` on the webinar, because the vendor is from Ebola stricken Africa.

Then I opened my Blackberry Passport and read the following text.

• To all our staff and management! We cannot be successful as long as HR does not understand the working class and promote their well being. Our product is a pearl yet our engineers are sent abroad to deal with every client whimper and whinge. HR does not advocate for the rights of engineers, kibinimat. We need a union. I am leading a 3 day strike. Starting now.

Comrade Carl

I texted the Lesotho vendor, and cancelled the webinar. 

I plan to detox myself from some technology

My skirt is not  wearable technological-stop looking!

Sometimes I feel that I should be in Finance, so that I toy with numbers and not with people. (My father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to claim that financial analysts are "a band of thieves, ciboire".)

HR buzzwords like  cloud based technology and HR analytics are taking their toll on me. But as long as I am the first lady of HR, I need to follow the trends, so to speak.

• Did you know that "Wearable Technology" may replace big data and internet of things as an HR buzzword in 2016? 
• During last week, 88% of our staff  used the term "big data" 12 times by Friday noon, whilst only 14% has mentioned the term "wearable technology."
• However,"wearable technology" was up 77% on the previous week, and "big data" registered a 2.3% fall in the frequency of use. The reintroduction of the drachma was factored in.

Last week, there was an "Expo" of wearable technology and I went there "after hours". I happened to see Mr Hugh White from Diversity looking at a shirt that which makes him look Scandinavian Chinese and then Afro American, changing back and forth every 10 seconds; I also spotted a certain Ms Cynthia Axe trying to have an "axe" built into her arm.

For the record, Hugh White is Caucasian and Cynthia Axe goes sleeveless.

I wandered by the Blackberry store. I did see the new white Blackberry Classic, however I did not enter the Blackberry store; technology can become too addictive. The French are beginning to understand this. 

I plan to become a spiritual type. I may plan to detox myself from technology "en France".