The ten basic components of a global mindset

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I get all answers right, daily.

I have developed the following tool for HR to determine the degree to which employees have  global outlook.

So let me know how well you do! Please answer briefly, because I skim answers

1) When an employee moves  from a North American home to a foreign dump or hut, how much salary can we deduct to make the package attractive to the employer?

2) Is Russian currency used in selected parts of the Ukraine?

3) In locations where there is limited electricity, is it necessary to transport household appliances?

4) Is 42 degrees Celsius considered hot?

5) Is big data available in French and tribal languages?

6) Why do South Africans keep changing the names of the cities where they were born?

7) Some employees want us to pay for additional ethnic and  tribal education of their children. How can they be threatened, gently, to back off?

8) Can we transport all relocating families by bus to the airports?

9) Who pays visa fees if an employees' wife comes from a pariah state where you need a visa to go to the toilet?

10) What to do with an engineer who claimed he was born in Naboomspruit who now claims to have been born in Mookgophong?

For correct answers, please wait on the line, and a big data attendant will be with you shortly.

British blockchains are part of our morning buffet

Our core values: weekly update

Here are the weekly update of our scared core values:

• Work work work work life balance
• Wear T shirt that says  "I love  British Blockchains"
• Deference to CEO 
• People (on Wednesdays)
• Diversity and good English 
• Being brief, positive & sophisticated, like a tweet.
• Leverage big data to satisfy Stan's fetish
• Admiration for HR business partnership, including voting for HR as the most valued department in our annual survey.
• Being perky

Please ensure these eternal, weekly values are sprinkled in your speech.

Hang them in your cubicle.

Use them as  your screen saver.
And most of all, say "in line with our core values"!

I will send them out as a text message as well, backed up by a Whatsapp, BBM, Viber and email.

Follow me on Twitter @GRamsbottom

In line with our core values, and almost in line with our core values

Nos valeurs: mises a jour 

Everything that we do in our company is in line with our core values. For example-

• Our company is cash strapped and Comrade Carl Mark's Internet of Things department is "struggling"; HR needs to fire/liberate 40 people a week for the next month. This having been said, our hard working CEO Stan has a private chef named K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein who cooks CEO Stan cost effective lasagna, which is "in line with our core value of thrift."
• Some of our minorities are well treated by the Diversity Chief, a white heterosexual named Hugh White. This is "in line with our core value of avoiding litigation ".
• We are pursuing internet of things, which is in line with our core values of "cutting edge".
• Our switchboard operator has a Scottish (Glasgow) accent, which is non sustainable, but very global. This is almost in line with our core values of "functional diversity".

HR generally adds "in line with our core values" in many sentences. This is "in line with our core value" of repetitive inculcation. 

When anything unpopular needs to be said or done, we ladies of HR say "almost in line with our wow core values." Such as, "learn English or be fired, almost in line with our core values".

Our  core values are  updated weekly, and posted in elevators, on screen savers and on our knowledge management portal. (The KM portal will allow us to fire more employees, "almost in line with our key values".)

If you text whilst driving, get insurance

Try not to text whilst driving yet be available

CEO Stan sent me his entire safety and health credo in a simple Whatsapp message:  "Gloria, tell the Internet of Things nerds that we truly care about their well being, as long as they answer their fucking text messages in real time, even when driving, as needed".

So what is Stan's stance on texting while driving?  CEO Stan objects to texting whilst driving. After all, we are a "people company". In parallel, Stan demands constant availability, in line with our core value of "responsiveness". 

Thus, our corporate position on texting whilst driving is both safety and responsive-oriented, flavoured by sacred core values.

So how will HR provide an appropriate response? Via appropriate insurance, of course!

In the spirit of caring for the human resource, HR has contracted an insurance vendor in Bolivia who may cover a few claims for injuries caused by texting whilst driving. Spare parts will be provided.

The La Paz based insurance vendor is now learning both English and the insurance business. This insurance vendor will soon have a phone line and email address.

Our IoT nerds must purchase this voluntary insurance. Those who opt out risk being sent back to their tribal homeland, be it in the under developed countries, or worse.