Crafting an end of year message for our nerds

Put a spin on this, Ramsbottom

I had planned to go home early when CEO Stan texted me to come to his office "to craft my messages for the God damn 2019 new years' party".  During our short meeting, his crafty wife (Wifey) had called in to hear my advice. 

Stan said: "Gloria, we have falling revenues, our investors are pissing in their pants and Comrade Carl's vision about blending our product's deficiencies into a blockchain is a crock of shit. The main asset of our company is my leadership and the confiscated passports of the foreign engineers.It is HR's role to put a spin and deliver this message positively." 

Readers, this challenge is easier than periodic updating of our ethics code to be more flexible, as it were. And equipped with my spiffy new English accent, I feel that I know how to communicate. It's my forté , which is a French word.

So I told Stan that we need to talk about the 2019 growth plan, and thank the staff for their patience.  Furthermore, the silver bullet capabilities of blockchains, augmented by big data and cloud computing, provide us with a platform to be a wow wow wow company. Then, reassure the engineers that their confiscated passports are in safekeeping in our Moscow office, and dusted off each day.

I also told Stan that few of the staff speak English or even celebrate new years, so in general, all he just needs to exude joy. Exude is such a posh word. 

Stan started to cry and he hugged me, in a paternal way. Wifey (who thought that I had left the room)  was heard saying: "I told you Stanley, your greatest asset is that Canadian HR manager of yours. She is a street fighter if I ever saw one. Did you notice her English accent? So impressive.

Specialite de la maison

Trusted or busted

I wish Wifey would read gossip

I received 3 texts messages from our CEO's (Stan) hyperactive and "bossy" wife today, aka Wifey. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot,  constantly used to tell me "don't be bossy, Gloria")

The first text message was: "Gloria, there is no asset more valuable to HR than the trust of the staff. Do you know that? Wifey". 

Wifey had just read a magazine article titled "Trusted or Busted" at her hairdresser. 

One hour later, I received yet another text from an over zealous Wifey, "Why is Ms Cynthia Axe so untrustworthy? Are you providing her with appropriate mentoring? Wifey"

Finally I received a third text. "Gloria, gaining the trust of the staff is more important than gaining Stanley's trust. I am coming over for coffee at 1500 to chat. Wifey"

In preparation for this fireside chat, I did a focus-group-by-text survey to see how much trust HR really enjoys.

The results were non-wow and I have already taken corrective action. Here are the highlights:

1) Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement Recruiter)  is the least trusted employee in HR. 

Thus, I have rehired her Reputation Coach, who is both a positive thinker, and works on a barter arrangement.

2) Hugh White from Diversity pries people to open up about their sex lives; no one trusts him, especially since he hired a Scot for the switchboard!

Therefore, I have refocused Hugh on ensuring that  staff speak proper American English, especially the Russians, Scots, Israelis and Punjabi staff.(It is very easy to understand American English).

3) Not one single soul trusts me. Except of course for my business partner, CEO Stan. I live or die due to my business partnership with Stan our great leader. Therefore, I live.

Trust is a critical success factor for me, but not a major one, or even a minor one. I want to keep my place at the management table. 

My corrective action will be "to reshape" expectations of the staff from me, leveraging  the fear of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe.