What I have learnt about blockchain

On Tuesdays, people is my middle name

The only English speaking employee in R&D Engineering (besides Comrade Carl Marks) is old de Villiers who sleeps during round tables and long presentations.

De Villers is a soft spoken and comes from Africa, but not in that order. Our CEO Stan once asked me "How come de Villiers is as white as a lily?"  I referred him to Hugh White, from Diversity, who gave Stan a detailed answer. 

After Hugh's explanation, Stan texted me: "don't ever allow Hugh White to waste my time again, Gloria, or I'll fire your ass back to Canada."

It appears that Hugh did not make a good impression on Stan.

Anyway on Friday, the aforementioned Hugh White came into my office today, accompanied by old de Villiers. "Gloria I would ask that you listen to old de Villers", blurted Hugh.

As HR manager, I listen to people on Tuesdays, but de Villiers is a key contributor on matters relating to blockchain. So I stopped texting my sister and asked all to sit down.

De Villiers told me that "back where I was born, in South Africa, there is a crisis we can all learn from. (De Villers pronounced crisis as "cry-sis".) The electric company, which is run even worse that our company, started rationing power due to third world management techniques. Instead of replacing management and demanding accountability, they started a program call load-shedding, teaching people how to use less electricity."  (De Villiers pronounces less as "lis".)

Then de Villiers looked at me with parental tenderness and said, "Gloria, I have always been very fond of you. No one here likes HR very much. So I have a process improvement to suggest.  After all, I am an engineer. Why don't you rename HR as "Load-Shedding and Talent Management?"

This is one of the first times that an employee has approached me directly, although people is my middle name. I felt mild aggravation that my time was being wasted, as text messages began to accumulate.

However, I do have manners. So I asked de Villiers for his mobile number and BBM pin number, and promised to "revert" to him with an answer to his proposal.

Then I asked de Villiers for a tutorial on blockchain. De Villers agreed and Hugh White was allowed to go home early and attend to his wife, the very demanding Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khrushchev.

Hugh White

Sales and Engineering want separate cafeterias

The outbreak of hostilities between Sales and Engineering is startling and non wow. 

Comrade Carl Marks and his crew of engineers has asked HR for a separate cafeteria, which will be closed off from Sales and HR.

I asked the White Boy who heads Diversity, heterosexual Hugh White, to highlight the major differences between Engineering and other population. I need big data to cover my ass when I make decisions of a strategic nature.

Hugh White, always so pedantic, pointed out that Sales and HR speak better English, talk politely, and eat normal, non-spicy food. 

Engineering staff on the other hand eat tribal food, speak Turkish, Hebrew, 30000 Indian languages, Russian, Cantonese and Chinese. Hugh White noticed that Engineering staff often talk all at the same time.

Yet another difference is that Engineering feels a limited  sense urgency; Sales folks lie a lot, even about their sex lives. HR tends to be responsive, matter of fact and business focused.

Hugh White's wife, Comrade Ludmilla who is Russian born, suggested that our cafeteria be separated into two parts, and within a month, one cafeteria can then conquer the other and "impose its will". Hugh tends to listen to Ludmilla as of late.

I vetoed the idea of 2 cafeterias; I was highly influenced by North Korean style decision making, Gangnam style.  

HR use of social media

Thought leadership-mais oui!

It is erroneous to think that social media, texting, and Skype are tools that are limited to enabling HR departments  more efficient and user friendly downsizing. Mais non! (That's French)

Social media can also be used by HR to inculcate a wow wow wow culture. 3 wows. Par exemple:

As our downsizing campaign proceeds like the Battle of Stalingrad, I have requested from Hugh White from Diversity to tweet  the following message 8 times an hour:

                Let's all engage and cool Stan's rage.

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, wants to tweet this tweet in other languages. His wife, Comrade Ludmilla White offered to tweet both in Russian and Ukrainian. Hugh wants the background of the corporate tweets to be a black, white, red, and yellow format.  

I often question Hugh's sanity and the relevance of Diversity.

Driving social media and good English