Holacracy needs 4 minor changes to be perfect

Against

Comrade Carl sat beside me at lunch today. He was wearing a T shirt that said, "Holacracy is Apple Pie and Ice Cream, but do not too get fat, kibinimat". 
Carl has asked all his IoT and big data  nerds to wear the same T shirt and claimed that this is about to happen.

Readers of this blog know that Comrade Carl Marks often uses the term "kibinimat", which is a Russian cuss word. My dad, Pierre Elliot said that ladies should not cuss, but that was years ago back in Canada. Kibinimat is parallel to the French Canadian word "ciboire", although they mean different things. Wow, I am quite the intellectual!

Since I have been so very busy mastering the Internet of Things/Big Data, I fell behind on the holacracy issues. Never one to show weakness, I asked Comrade Carl what his "cut" was on holacracy. I love the word cut, from an HR point of view.

"Gloria, kibinimat that is a good question! Holacracy takes the very best of nihilism and bureaucracy and rolls them into one gestalt. (That is a German word). 

Carl the spoke for 45 minutes about holacracy, throwing in about 35% of the terms he used in Russian, which I don't understand yet. The Comrade then asked me how I see the "HR role in a Holacracy".

I told Comrade Carl that "it sound exciting", and I would add 4 modifications from an HR perspective:

a-a chain of command

b-ensure HR is the process czar

c-ensure that each circle has an HR business partner.

d-be mindful that the  life span of holacracy is linked to the ability of Greece to service its debt.

Carl told me, "Christ Gloria, you are one smart lady. You could have been a politruk in the Russian Army. Politruk is an educational officer, somewhat like a spokesman. 

However, I do not plan to learn Russian yet. Danish is next.

Modifying holacracy

More than 3 corporate values cause confusion and lack of focus.

                             

Three is better than five. Trois. Mais oui

                           

As we end the first quarter, it is clear that we need to consolidate floor space, costs and head count. This wow wow consolidation will enable growth in 2021. The only thing we will not consolidate is the amount big data and sloganeering about Internet of Things.

HR has many wow tools to consolidate, two of which are Ms Axe's Early Bird Retirement Plan and our core values. This post is about values in service of consolidation.

Values (holy and sacred) are one of the key strategic tools of HR. 

We have all of our 5 key values plastered all over elevators, in English and other tribal languages. We even have one poster in Russian and French, neither of which are the languages of global business.

In order to lead consolidation by example, HR will trim the number of values from five to three. 

Three values appear more eloquent, more resilient and more sustainable than five.

"People company" will be included as a one of the three values  but will be renamed as "engagement driven people company".

Our other 2 values are

• Functional transparency
• Flexible ethics

Don't expect the ladies of HR understand technology?

There is too little respect for HR

Ever since I started to nerdify HR using cool  cloud technology, Comrade Carl Marks (VP Emerging Technology) and I have reached a cease fire, so to speak.

My Dad Pierre Elliot used to say that "I don't believe in cease fires Gloria; either shoot to kill or, smoke the peace pipe; Lester Pearson had it right". My guess is that very few Americans know who Lester Pearson was. Dad always said to me "never except too much worldliness from an American".

In the framework of our peace accord, Comrade Carl asked me, "Glo-baby, why not interview our new Internet of Things team-leader that I have just hired, Comrade Natasha Khmelnitski-McLean? Tell me what you think of her skill set".

The comrade laughed and said, "but don't be jealous". When Comrade Natasha showed up for the interview, I understood immediately Comrade Carl's choice. Natasha was dressed to kill as my Dad Pierre Elliot used to say. She wore very high heals.

I grilled young and inexperienced Natasha for 90 seconds (an in depth interview in my book). I concluded that Natasha is not posh. Certainly her accent leaves a lot to be desired, as it were.

At the end of the interview, Natasha had the nerve to ask me four non wow questions:

1) Isn't Comrade Carl the greatest nerd since Pavlov?

2) Just how much do "you girls in HR" understand technology?

3) If I need anything from you, until what time can I call you?

4) Can you ensure that I get  Blackberry keyboard with a Russian interface within an hour? Spasiba. Btw, why do we use Blackberry?

Spasiba means thanks in Russian.  One of the things I do not like about this job is that my French is becoming rusty.

New play mate

Do accents impact a career?

French makes me exotic; Proper English makes me posh

My coach (who used to sell anti injury insurance to people who text whist driving) confronted me with an uncomfortable truth. "You are not posh enough", Gloria. 

My Dad (Pierre Elliot) never used the term posh, when I was growing up in Saskatchewan, My mom may have used it, but I was Daddy's girl.

There was some truth to what my coach said. When I gave my lecture last week at our Management Academy, I did notice that CEO Stan had closed his eyes. And I did notice that some our engineers, including old de Villiers, were looking at my legs and not focusing on the content, as it were. 

Talent Management, Sloganeering, HR Business Partnership leveraging Big Data are all more interesting than 2 Canadian legs, for heaven sake.

To rectify the problem, my coach told me to listen to tapes of Brits (not Scots) speaking English  and try to "emulate" their accent when pronouncing key words. For example:

In line with our core values...core should be cohr.

or

HR is a business partner....R should be Ahr.

or

As it were...were should be wahhr.

I tried this feigned British accent today when speaking to Comrade Carl Marks. He looked at me, and started speaking in Russian. I did not understand a word.(I have never of heard of a famous Russian HR manager. HR is a profession for the more developed, English speaking world, as it were).

And let's be frank and earnest. The British say the worst things the right way, whilst other more tribal languages sound so brutish. 

HR and English go hand in hand, like big data, engagement and sloganeering.

2 great leaders speak with me

                                                          

                                                                    Making me feel a million dollars

Today I feel very important, as I am "sought after". Two very important dignitaries dropped by to seek my business partnership.

We all like to feel important. Even I have that desire, at times. And to be frank and earnest, few of the men I have dated make me feel that way, especially after they get turned off by the fact that that I am so senior, and a thought leader in HR. Mais oui!

First, our new Sales VP, a certain Ms Juliette Caesar, meandered into my room today and suggested that we chat about the performance of Comrade Carl Marks, VP Emerging Technology.

Juliette told me that "Comrade Carl is a total weirdo; he rambles and is unfocused; the level of product maturity is lower than clarity of US foreign policy."  (Ms Caesar reads the Economist.) Ms Caesar also told me that " Comrade Carl's preference to speak with a Russian accent is a serious psychiatric problem, as any HR "rep" would know". 

Juliette asked me if she has my support to "push for Carl's re-positioning." I congratulated Juliette (Caesar)  on her HR "newspeak" and reassured her of my support. 

I forgot to share some big data with Juliette..... that Carl was appointed by the Chairman of the Board, who parents and Carl's parents both studied in Russia, when they were Communists. 

My dad, Pierre Elliot, had a soft spot for communism. "You need to stick up for the working man, Gloria". That's

why I am in HR.

Then, R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks, never a close ally of mine, also meandered into my room, smoking a joint and singing a Russian song. Carl rambled on, trying to read my text messages, since I was texting to my sister as he talked.

"That bitch Caesar can't sell a lemonade on a hot beach, kibinimat", Carl taunted. "My product is a pearl, and that ------ wants my demise for no good reason". (I cannot repeat the word he used, but it does have a T) 

"Please back me Gloria, as I plan to push for Caesar's Waterloo." Waterloo, I reminded Comrade Carl, is in Canada, and my brothers Frank and Ernest both work there at Blackberry.