More than 3 corporate values cause confusion and lack of focus.

                             

Three is better than five. Trois. Mais oui

                           

As we end the first quarter, it is clear that we need to consolidate floor space, costs and head count. This wow wow consolidation will enable growth in 2021. The only thing we will not consolidate is the amount big data and sloganeering about Internet of Things.

HR has many wow tools to consolidate, two of which are Ms Axe's Early Bird Retirement Plan and our core values. This post is about values in service of consolidation.

Values (holy and sacred) are one of the key strategic tools of HR. 

We have all of our 5 key values plastered all over elevators, in English and other tribal languages. We even have one poster in Russian and French, neither of which are the languages of global business.

In order to lead consolidation by example, HR will trim the number of values from five to three. 

Three values appear more eloquent, more resilient and more sustainable than five.

"People company" will be included as a one of the three values  but will be renamed as "engagement driven people company".

Our other 2 values are

• Functional transparency
• Flexible ethics

Working under fire

Ms Axe given a week vacation

Hugh White, always with the Underdog

Some of our remote offices are working under fire due to the so called Corona virus, as it were.

My mother Constance always uses the term as it were. For example, she always says to me "you were Dad's girl, as it were".

Caucasian and sexually-straight Hugh White from Diversity sent me an email stating that HR must reach out to accommodate people stressed out by what he calls "so called pandemics". (Health bores me, but if and when I date doctors, I need to put up with corona based yak yak, as it were).

There are many ways whereby HR can assist people working under health cares.

1-Ms Cynthia Axe, our downsizing diva, is sent home for a week, and will fire people by text only in areas not under fire, which appears to be a contradiction.

2-There is a great webinar in Russian called "Working Under Stress" from World War Two; it was filmed in old Stalingrad. I am looking for a budget to get English subtitles.

3-The HR voice menu will be changed. "If you are under stress, press 7 and then, enter your security code which you can download from our website, which is in the final stages of completion." Callers will be transferred to an attendant, who is learning English.

RH sait faire.

Compensation of HR professionals

Dad was SO right!

My Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me, "Gloria if your job entails kissing your boss's arse, you'd better get well paid".

Lucky me! Due to my HR business partnership, I never need to kiss CEO Stan's butt. 

I do work hard on"People Day", which is every 2nd Thursday -that is when I solve people problems.

However, I am very well paid, netting about $150,000 a year. I earn every penny. As EVP HR, I work very hard:

1. I text 18 hours a day, on 3 phones, blindfolded.
2. Even when I fly (business class), I do email, even in my sleep.
3. I get calls at all hours of the day from Wifey, CEO Stan's better half, who reads too many management articles.
4. I manage the collateral damage that Cynthia Axe causes by "dint" of her role as downsizing czar. Czar is not a French word. I learnt the word "dint" in a spelling "bea".
5. I listen to the asinine whining of Hugh White, the white heterosexual who runs Diversity.

Clearly, the fact that I speak French adds to my market value, although French is a dying business language, almost like Russian.

Hugh White and Cynthia Axe earn $40,000 a year. Over the next two decades, in alignment with my core value of self preservation, they will given a raise.

The salary I get does not buy my loyalty. Hardly at all. I can only remember 233 cases when I acted against `my better judgement``. I remember only 7 or 8 cases when I fired people who were setting up a union.

Dad used to tell me `you are worse that Fibber McGee, Gloria``.

deleted

Skills gaps in HR

La  pénurie de compétences-that's French

Dear readers, who re-tweet me and who don't!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, constantly told me to be prepared: "you don't want to be caught with you pants down, do you Gloria". 

Dad was referring to a spelling exam in French which I failed because I had planned to cram and the exam was administered a day early. (I speak French very well but most French words are hard to spell, because the French throw in a lot of useless letters which are not pronounced).

Last week, I was visiting one of our remote offices, and happened to be located in a bomb shelter, where people have do not time to hate HR. Despite my being deep underground, I took part in a management conference call, during which I was asked about the "skill gap" in HR. Surprisingly, it was the Chairman of the Board who put me on the spot, as it were, with this prying and semi wow question.

In line with my core value of self preservation and pragmatic honesty, there are indeed skill gaps in my team that I need to address.

Hugh White, the white heterosexual boy who runs Diversity, does not appear to have a full deck of cards between his white ears. Besides his shameful skin colour, he also provides far too much irrelevant data about sexual preference and the value of "other" disabilities. Hugh provides lots of data, but none of it is big.

Cynthia Axe, my downsizing diva, has severe drawbacks. She speaks English only, whilst the nerds that she fires speak a myriad (not a French word) of languages. Axe lack a humane approach to her profession. When I asked her if she cannot be a bit nicer to people, Cynthia Axe said to me: "decide what the fuck you want from me, Gloria". Then she went home for a week, leaving me to do her grisly job.

I have no lack of skills that I can think of. I text quickly, I turn around a problem on a dime, I speak French and I am a thought leader. (I also dress impeccably).

Perhaps were I have more technical skills, I could manage R&D.

HR use of social media

Thought leadership-mais oui!

It is erroneous to think that social media, texting, and Skype are tools that are limited to enabling HR departments  more efficient and user friendly downsizing. Mais non! (That's French)

Social media can also be used by HR to inculcate a wow wow wow culture. 3 wows. Par exemple:

As our downsizing campaign proceeds like the Battle of Stalingrad, I have requested from Hugh White from Diversity to tweet  the following message 8 times an hour:

                Let's all engage and cool Stan's rage.

Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity, wants to tweet this tweet in other languages. His wife, Comrade Ludmilla White offered to tweet both in Russian and Ukrainian. Hugh wants the background of the corporate tweets to be a black, white, red, and yellow format.  

I often question Hugh's sanity and the relevance of Diversity.

Driving social media and good English

From a hostile to a civil working environment- in three short steps

Ms Axe has this sign on her desk

The results of the second quarter indicate that whilst out new product has been released, the number of purchase orders we have received is "semi-sustainable". 

To make matters even less wow, the number of bugs that engineering is dealing with is overwhelming. Some would call our situation "big data"-driven.

Instead of dealing this non now situation, Comrade Carl Marks, SVP Engineering, is said to be in Kiev learning Ukrainian. His personality appears to be disintegrating.

From an HR perspective, I must "adjust costs to reality" , as CEO Stan so aptly puts in. This is where having an HR business partner comes in handy!

My Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan, has thus received new quotas; she needs to fire 300 staff by the end of this week.  

I am not pleased by Ms Axe`s style as of late. One would think Ms Cynthia Axe is French, since she is threatening to ``strike``, not in the usual sense of the term.

Cynthia`s role has caused a "hostile working environment", claims a lawyer who has nothing better to do than sue us. I need to be in court on Thursday!

In order to promote a wow environment before I appear in court, I have introduced some process changes to ensure that our environment is civil.

1) Ms Axe will be holding her ax when each employee enters her room, so there is no undue anxiety due to dilly dallying.

2) A voice enabled Danish HR robot will have a `severance` discussion with each  employee to lessen anxiety.

3) In order to ensure Ms Axe works and does not send text messages, a new sign has been posted opposite her desk.

Causing a hostile environment

The Upside of Downsizing

Every cloud has a silver lining

My father Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom would have asked me, "Glo, how can you be an HR manager, sprouting slogans and firing people all year around? What's gotten into you, ma bichette?"

Well, Dad died when Trudeau was Prime Minister and Obama was still in Hawaii, so I don't really need to answer papa directly.

However, I may have told Dad that there are many upsides to downsizing, and here is what HR needs to do to provide context for positive downsizing, which is a word I love.

1) Focus on future growth

2) Set up an "Early Bird Retirement Plan"

3) Re-engage people quickly using slogans which change weekly.

4) Leverage the skills of people like Cynthia Axe, and "fly above the clouds" during (pendant) the week when heads roll, so to speak.

5) Use the word big data.

Dad used to punish me when I spoke back to Mama and I do not want to think of what he would say were he to hear my bullshit answer.

I loved Papa and I miss him, but I get paid well.

Entice staff to retire early via agile gamification

Leading the agile  gamification project

Ms Cynthia Axe

As we deploy our new product to Albania, South Thailand and rural Mali, Ms Cynthia Axe, the head of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, needs to "liberate" 400 US, Canada and Uk based staff from work. Axe will then hire "natives" in exotic countries, in line with our core value of "cheap agile labour". This is global mobility, as it were. This is also part of our global effort, and I love the word global.

Firing 400 people is big data, even if you divide 400 into two units of 200 people each. 

Native English speakers are afforded protection from such "liberation", as per CEO Stan's agile  instructions to Hugh White, the heterosexual white boy who runs Diversity in HR. 

There have been too few volunteers to retire (this is non wow). So, under my auspices, but not under my responsibility, I have instructed Ms Axe to use gamification to entice more nerds to leave our not so firm firm.

Here is the plan. Ms Axe is organizing a game of  football on the roof of our 25 story building in which we are located. Safety barriers will be conveniently removed  for repairs. 

• Players who score touchdowns or tackle other players will be exempt from re-sizing for 3 (trois) months. 

• Players who "fall out of the game" get free burial insurance, ex post facto, unless they smoke or booze.

This may sound dangerous, but no need to worry. Hugh White will gather up (ramaser) everyone's cell phone so that no material damage occurs. Mais non!

Follow me @GRamsbottom

Dear Gloria

Mais oui

In alignment with my core value of self promotion, I accept and answer questions from HR managers all over the world, including Europe, Denmark, and the Middle East including Brussels. 

Here is a glimpse into my mailbox.

Dear Gloria,

Our work force is not engaged; true, we pay minimum wage, there is lots of physical work and there is no air conditioning during our year long summers, yet there must be a way of getting people to "sign up" for an extra effort.

Any ideas?

Gwok from Singapore

Dear Gwok,

What a name! Why not become Garry or Garth?

I was in Singapore last year; it is very hot. Because I am from Moose Jaw Canada, I passed out in the heat. Mais oui!

My dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom, used to tell me when I misbehaved at school that I am very lucky I was not going to school in Singapore.

So I don't get the problem. Engagement can be achieved positively and semi positively.

Merci,

Gloria.

Dear Gloria,

Often you wrote about poor English accents and the challenge this poses to your boss.

In our company, all the engineers speak perfect English; it is the Sales and HR folks who speak poor English.

Do you have any practical advice?

Delores from Cleveland

Dear Delores,

Stop lying. 

With deep respect,

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

What is your next job?

Larry from Montreal

Mon cher Laurent,

I am sorry, Larry. Can you repeat the question? I did not hear you....well, that call was disconnected. Let's move on to the next caller.

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

What do you pay Ms Cynthia Axe, your downsizing diva?

Jean-Marie, Paris

Dear John,

We work hard, including August, so Ms Axe's salary is not applicable in your reality.

A ton service,

Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Does Comrade Carl Marks have a nickname for you?

Svetlana (Moscow)

Dear Svetlana,

We have 4 engineers all called Svetlana. Is that the only woman's name in Russia?

Yes, he calls me "my sweet little pizdobolka", but I do not know what he means.

Spasiba, for following me. That's not French.

Gloria

Trusted or busted

I wish Wifey would read gossip

I received 3 texts messages from our CEO's (Stan) hyperactive and "bossy" wife today, aka Wifey. (My Dad, Pierre Elliot,  constantly used to tell me "don't be bossy, Gloria")

The first text message was: "Gloria, there is no asset more valuable to HR than the trust of the staff. Do you know that? Wifey". 

Wifey had just read a magazine article titled "Trusted or Busted" at her hairdresser. 

One hour later, I received yet another text from an over zealous Wifey, "Why is Ms Cynthia Axe so untrustworthy? Are you providing her with appropriate mentoring? Wifey"

Finally I received a third text. "Gloria, gaining the trust of the staff is more important than gaining Stanley's trust. I am coming over for coffee at 1500 to chat. Wifey"

In preparation for this fireside chat, I did a focus-group-by-text survey to see how much trust HR really enjoys.

The results were non-wow and I have already taken corrective action. Here are the highlights:

1) Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement Recruiter)  is the least trusted employee in HR. 

Thus, I have rehired her Reputation Coach, who is both a positive thinker, and works on a barter arrangement.

2) Hugh White from Diversity pries people to open up about their sex lives; no one trusts him, especially since he hired a Scot for the switchboard!

Therefore, I have refocused Hugh on ensuring that  staff speak proper American English, especially the Russians, Scots, Israelis and Punjabi staff.(It is very easy to understand American English).

3) Not one single soul trusts me. Except of course for my business partner, CEO Stan. I live or die due to my business partnership with Stan our great leader. Therefore, I live.

Trust is a critical success factor for me, but not a major one, or even a minor one. I want to keep my place at the management table. 

My corrective action will be "to reshape" expectations of the staff from me, leveraging  the fear of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe.

Green Card Issues-We almost pass a government audit!

Keeps passports in his desk drawers.

The Immigration Department issued us a "minor" fine and Mr Hugh White (who heads our Diversity Department) is now visiting in the county jail. 
His wife Mrs Ludmilla White (nee Molotov) claims he is in jail.

I am a senior HR director and I do not delve into minute details. 

It appears that one of our employees who was liberated last week by Ms Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) wanted to return to his tribal homeland; when he reached the airport to go home to Lahore (which is not the French word for hooker), he did not have his passport.

The former employee (who I wanted to see as a good will ambassador)  said that "all passports are kept in the drawer of his former employer R&D Chief, Comrade Carl Marks". One thing led to another as soon HR was dragged into the picture.

The investigators asked Diversity Chief Hugh White "what the fuck is going on with the employees' passports"?. Hugh White hemmed and hawed and ended up visiting the slammer.

Where do I stand on this issue? I am not sure it is an HR matter but for the record, my policy on passports is clear. A passport is a travel document and it is very important that you look good in your passport photograph. 

Comrade Carl Mark's policy is "youp tvou mat", if you allow employees to keep their passports, we may never release a product."

Cynthia Axe is going to get a piece on my mind. I told that mindless cow to return passports upon liberating our employees. 

My weekend was ruined springing young Hugh from the slammer.

Axe is a dumb cow

Get rid of 6 leadership buzzwords

Cut the crap, or get the rap.

After an iterative process with HR's major stakeholders, it was decided to eliminate buzzwords from our corporate vocabulary in a timely fashion.

Furthermore, there have been several "asks" about the meaning of several terms we use which are not buzzwords. 

For each term below, an owner has been designated to drive the provision of a definitive definition in an agreed upon time line.

1-Talent Management- term owned by R&D manager, a certain Comrade Carl Marks, who has less talent in his disheveled team than Supply Chain.

2-Wow-wow- term owned by Samuel Snake, the mediocre intern in talent management.

3-Big Data: no owner needed; we can all feign understand what it means, and back it up with emotion.

4-Work life balance: term owned by down-sizer Ms Cynthia Axe, who needs to eliminate 40 jobs a week for the next 2 months. She will sample folks for an answer, and then swing her dainty ax, in a timely fashion.

5-Global and sustainable: I own that. I already have my definition. Global means American and sustainable means built to last, which is not a buzzword.

6-Core values: I own that also. Something we hang in the elevator, daily.

7-Holacracy: Holy grail for secularists, nihilists  and vegetarians. Take off your shoes when you say holacracy, svp. (That's French)

Axe-I will drive work life balance.

Hugh White joins HR department as Head of Diversity

The right honourable Huge White

Hugh White has joined Immature Products-HR as Head of Diversity.

Hugh studied sociology at  Brigham Young University.

Hugh is steeped in diversity; he has a Black neighbour, a Jewish dentist and he loves Chinese food. He dated a 3rd generation American lady who claims she has an India-born grandmother. Hugh married Comrade Ludmilla White, whose roots are Ukrainian.

Hugh has also traveled extensively to the ``Orient``, with his Aunt, aka, Wifey, our CEO`s determined wife.

Hugh will report into Senior EVP of HR and Chief People Officer, Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux.

On this occasion, I wish to announce the untimely departure of a certain Jennifer Papadopolos-Otelini, who is emigrating to Waterloo, Ontario, which is in Canada. Canada is North of Vermont. 

Jennifer will be in the downsizing business, which she learnt from the Mother of All Mentors, Ms Cynthia Axe. Nee is a French word which means `born.``

Let us all bow our heads and pray for Hugh's success.

I sure hope Hugh does not start prying about people's sex life. My belief is that he should focus on the switchboard.

Ax Pluribus, Unum

Cynthia 

Axe pluribus, unum.

To: Gloria Ramsbottom-lemieux@immatureproducts.com
From: stan-ceo@immatureproducts.com

Re-Axe pluribus, unum.

Gloria my dear,
I met with the Chairman. The Board wants "more control" of R&D and thus, we shall be closing all 4 offshore offices in Q1.
This plan is to be kept top-secret, even from your lovely young file clerk Axe and that weirdo Hugh White.
Code name is: Ax Pluribus, Unum
Please be discrete.
Stan

Coaching Ms Cynthia Axe

Following the Q4 non wow results, revenues are being "adjusted" for 2017.  A certain Ms Cynthia Axe, who heads our Involuntary Early Bird Retirement plan, will have her white hands full, as we "right-size".

Hands full

In an attempt to blackmail me given her growing workload, Axe has recently complained of sore wrists, headaches and malaise. Malaise is a French word.

I  decided to preempt Ms Axe and reach out to her.

I gave Axe some coaching by text over the weekend and we solved 99% of the issues. (I am a certified coach, and I can use the letters CC after my name. Mais oui! CC is certified coach).

I shall give her a Blackberry Priv. Axe is American and it won't do her any harm to help my brothers Frank and Ernest, who work in Blackberry in Waterloo Canada. 

In line with her core value of blackmail, Ms Axe also wants to become a certified coach, so I am looking for a brief  course that will certify her in coaching, in line with my core value of co-opting her.

Here is the spec of the coaching course for Axe that I am looking for:

1-Brief (5 hours)

2-Wow

3-Discounted

4-Gives a  degree with letters to put after her family name, like MD or LLB.

5-Global and sustainable

6-prepare Axe for a PhD at a fairly unknown, but accredited, university