A smashing speech on post modern leadership!

Zenga zenga

Last night, Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, returned from a trip to our Middle Eastern offices. The comrade landed at 2300 and today at 0800, he addressed our Leadership Academy, the apple of my eye. The topic of his lecture was "What can we learn from Mid Eastern Leadership"!

Comrade Carl was wearing a galabia and sandals. He was also carrying a sacrificial   goat and when he started his lecture, he asked Miss Axe to "mind the goat for me, spasiba". Spasiba means "merci" in Russian.

Here are the main quotes from his lecture, which I am providing in line with my core values of keeping things brief.

•        Great leadership focuses on the past and a return to greatness. Who gives a rats' ass that our deliveries are late and our clients are not happy? Who are these clients anyway? Why do they matter? Nothing matters except our great history.
•        Women have some rights. The ladies of HR prove this. But let's be honest. HR keeps their jobs by firing us. Kibinimat. Is that fair? I am not against women's' rights, but we must recognize that there is a "hard core" of manipulation in the HR role, so to speak. I mean all this in a positive sense, Gloria. I love you.
•        Leadership must empower the nerds. Software timetables, quality parameters and functionality need to be established in "all-hands" meeting, without the clients' involvement. In the worst case scenario, the masses can be over ruled. Because the masses accept power.
•        Religion, not achievement, enables engagement. We need to aggressively beef up the number of believers in leadership roles. I say to you all, "Fuck atheism; I myself don't believe in anything".

When Carl made the point about religion, CEO Stan sent me a text, " Comrade Carl has jet lag".
Comrade Carl finished his speech, and 104% of our nerds clapped their hands and screamed, "Comrade Carl, give us meaning". Carl (the Comrade) stepped down from the stage, accompanied by husky body guards he had hired in Tel Aviv or Iraq. And he shook hands with each and every nerd, and blessed him, or her.

As a finale which is a French word, we all watched the zenga zenga clip. 

BTW, during Carl's speech I remember how my Dad used to call our pastor a "God damn Bible basher". This got my Mom angry.

Egg-freezing as the mother of all perks

Ever since the egg-freezing perk that several of my peers decided to introduce, as it were, I have been busier than a one armed paper hanger. This perk appears to provide longer active duty for productive female employees, to the mutual benefit of the management and the employee. 

My Dad, Pierre Elliot would have said, "Glo, this appears to be the mother of all perks". But Dad died, so he never got to say it.

CEO Stan asked me if we have any talented female engineers. "If so, freeze their eggs, Gloria, after you speak to a lawyer and my wife."  

According to the big data in my hands generated by  at the moment, we could get 4 more productive years per egg frozen. If you add to this inflation and subtract income tax then add VAT, another figure may pop up.

My mother called me today. Mom has issues on memory loss. She asked me: "Gloria are you involved in that manpower egg freezing scandal, girl? If you are, forget your inheritance". 

Then she asked me if I had found a husband. Then she asked me again if I had heard about egg freezing.

Hugh White from Diversity asked me if we can freeze the eggs of men as well, "were men to have eggs". Hugh agitates me even more after a call with my mother.

Downsizer czar Cynthia Axe's father, the Reverend Oliver Axe, called me and preached to me about God's will for an hour, mentioning in passing that he sees me as Cynthia's big sister. I am always polite to the clergy, although my Dad said "there are all a bunch of crooks and deviants". The Reverend Axe told me that if Cynthia wanted her eggs frozen, he would like to be notified.

AI and big data chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks came into my office with a glass of vodka and asked me what my own plans are. "Gloria, do it, kibinimat-your kid will also have nice legs - if it's a girl".

My own thoughts on this issue is  that every high performing female engineer can have 3 eggs frozen for the price of two, if she is willing to work till 9pm and on the weekends.

The Lord gave us anger

Carl is smoking an electronic cigarette

The other day, R&D big data  chief Carl Marks, gawked at my legs. 

My father, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to say to my Mom "let bygones be bygones, Constance", so I quickly put aside the pent up rage, fury and anger I felt when that filthy lecher Comrade Carl looked my stems. But I do hold a minor grudge, mind you.

I happened to spot Comrade Carl with an electronic cigarette both in the men's room and in a meeting room. 

This highly offensive and despicable  behaviour is not like gawking at my legs like a horny swine.  Electronic cigarettes need to be re-charged more often than a Blackberry Priv, and this can drive up our utilities bill. Furthermore, all of Carl's non-English speaking employees adore him and may pick up all his foul habits, like smoking e-cigarettes and looking at my legs.

I texted CEO Stan:

"That swine Carl smokes e cigarettes all over; please stop this asap by edict"....and soon I got an answer.

"Lay off Gloria; Comrade Carl thinks the world of you-Stan".

As I read Stan's answer, I was fuming. So I spoke to our receptionist here who is "born again". As a matter of fact, she answers the phone she says, "praise the Lord,how can I help you, God willing". 

When she heard my story, she told me that anger is something the Lord gave us.

I cannot say that I found that insight very useful.