Virtual Reality Toolkit for HR and Big Data Professionals

Against all odds

Banging his shoes on the mahogany table of our senior leadership team, Chief Nerd Comrade Carl Marks (who takes 20 mg of Lexapro to stabilize his mood) shouted: “Poshel na hui, either HR hires 20 fresh big data and IoT nerds to deliver the next software release on time, or we will need to pay a hefty default fine of over $2 million dollars due to our 3^rd rate legal team which HR hired”.

CEO Stan had enforced a freeze on headcount a month ago, as well as asking his HR business partner (c’est moi) to trim off the “excess fat” from our payroll, to the tune of 80 employees. Yet Stan knows that if we will need to pay the default fine, his position as CEO will be as tenuous as the French language in global business. Stan looked worried.

Comrade Carl called out to me in his feigned Russian accent, “Gloria, in the same way that I develop world class software against all odds, HR needs to simultaneously downsize, hire and preserve engagement and trust, unless all you ladies of HR want to get yourselves fired. What is your solution, kibinimat?”

CEO Stan called his Wife, Wifey, put her on the loudspeaker, and then said to me, “Gloria, what’s the plan?”

Cool as a cucumber, I replied, “As business partner, HR will migrate into the domain of virtual reality, whereby nerds are fired in reality yet continue to work for us in the domain of virtual reality. This postmodern approach is agile, flexible, global, sustainable, evidence and data driven”. Mais oui. The fully Monty.

Wifey said over the loud speaker, “that sounds very interesting Gloria. Is this a Scandinavian approach? How does that work”?

Ever since Wifey started buying furniture at Ikea, she tends to align “progress” with “Scandinavia”.

I promised that “the moment that Comrade Carl provides job descriptions for the fresh nerds he want to on-board, the HR team will “transition” to the concrete plan of virtual reality. As a matter of fact, I have delegated the practical aspects of this task to Ms Cynthia Axe, my vigorous  down-sizer”.

Comrade Carl, never one to be fooled, retorted that “you will get virtual job descriptions within a week, Gloria. Jesus Christ, you have nice legs.”

Legs and virtual reality

6 attributes of high performing nerds

6 attributes

Hugh White, the white straight lad who manages Diversity, sent an email to all managers in the company. He put me on cc without clearing the content of the email with me beforehand. 

This is not in line with my core HR values of "total control".
HR loves control, just like religion likes interfering in your sex life or what you eat, as it were.

In the email, Hugh wrote, "Here are the top six attributes of our high performing big data and cloud based nerds".

1-poor oral English language skills; 40% incomprehensible in con-calls

2-eat tribal or ethnic food at lunch

3-prefer hard work to work-life balance

4-worship my boss Gloria Ramsbottom, EVP HR-and gossip about her personal life

5-own 3 smartphones and text all the time to their families whilst writing code

6-have exotic passports deposited in HR for safekeeping (Ukraine, Faroe Islands, Taiwan, Israel, China, India)

CEO Stan texted me a message, "Gloria, how much do you pay Hugh White, for Christ's sake. Are we diversity compliant"? (Stan and I use Whatsapp).

As far as Hugh White' email is concerned, my Dad, Pierre Elliot used to tell my brothers Frank and Ernest when they teased me, "if you tease my poor Gloria again, I'll tan your lily white hides". I plan to have such a conversation with uppity Hugh because of his email initiative.

Invented tradition

Coffee with Carl
Hebrew Translation 

Comrade Carl Marks invited me and CEO Stan to an all hands meeting with his big data and internet of things nerds in the Joseph Stalin Meeting Room, recently renamed the Vlad Putin Eagles' Nest.

In what was defined as a pep talk geared at better engagement, the comrade spoke about the massive success of our latest recent software releases, "which have hordes of happy users all over the world. No one matches our functionality and user interface experience. If the clients lack sophistication, it needs to be handled by Sales. So, keep up the good work, and if HR does not pay you properly, I will organize a union, kibinimat."

CEO Stan whispered in my ear. "Gloria, are Comrade Carl's medications balanced?" I whispered back that I assume that they are, in line with my core values of  purveying good news. 

Carl's nerds texted and mumbled in Russian during his presentation; few of them speak English. But when Carl finished, his nerds clapped their hands for 20 minutes and threw rice at him, which is a middle east tradition, I am told. 

Comrade Carl invited CEO Stan and me to coffee after his all hands meeting. As we downed our cappuccinos, Stan told Carl that he was a bullshit artist saying "we never have had one positive comment from a client about our products in a decade. Your claim is spurious". (Stan's native language is English).

Comrade Carl looked at Stan and said, "Stan, you are a Yank with tunnel vision. Who gives a rats ass about reality? We need to instill an invented tradition. And HR is not sophisticated enough to do the job, so I am shouldering the responsibility, zenga zenga!"

Christ Stan, when will Gloria and her shabby HR team shape up!"

Invented tradition

Internet of things, Big Data and Democracy

Snap elections 

Chief Nerd (VP R&D) Comrade Carl Marks called snap elections in his Big Data and IoT team. (IoT is "internet of things" which is hot stuff.).

As I parked my car in my reserved spot marked "Chief People Officer and HR business partner," I was greeted by a geek handing out an election flyer with the Comrade's picture with slogans in Ukrainian, Russian, Urdu, Hindi, Hebrew and Chinese, the languages of our engineers ( whose passports HR keeps in safe holding).

On the way to my office, next to CEO Stan's, I stopped by Comrade Carl's office. He was speaking on 3 cell phones and it he appeared he had overdosed on adrenaline. He was swearing in Russian and a huge pile of big data was on his desk. Behind his desk was a poster which read "HR is the running dog  走狗 of Management-Vote Comrade Carl".

"Gloria", he greeted me, "I called these elections due to the zenga zenga leadership campaign which was foisted upon me. Kibinimat, once I have the legitimization of my beloved people, we will see big change, not chicken shit HR change management geared at engagement, whatever the f-ck that means. We will run our release commitment process  like a real democracy, negotiating software release time lines at the ballot box."

Comrade Carl then explained that most of his nerds don't come from real democracies like Iraq, so "they appreciate elections all the more". 

Carl Marks (the comrade)  then told me that he had seen an email from Stan to me, asking me to cancel the elections because "Carl has flipped once again, because no one knows what internet of things really is." Comrade Carl added that CEO Stan may be executed by the masses, in line with our core value of focus on execution.

Carl said, "not only have I not flipped Ramsbottom, but YOU should call elections as well to see if anyone wants you as HR manager, kibinimat. Btw, I would vote for you because you have nice legs".

I remember that my late Dad Pierre Elliot told me that if you ever speak to the average voter, you understand the problems of democracy.

One vote, due to nice legs

Toxic leadership is not resilient, but it is common

Let's end toxic leadership

Warning. This post should not be read by minors, or people new to HR. 

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks was caught with his pants down, as it were, in our management meeting today. Comrade Carl had entered the meeting 20 minutes late, having smoked a joint in the parking lot with a few of his nerds from the Internet of Things team. At first, he was jovial as a lark.

Little did Comrade Carl know that our CEO's brainy wife (Wifey) had read an article on toxic leadership by a certain Dr Joseph George. Wifey had grilled her husband Stan all night, saying "get rid of toxic leadership Stanley, before they get rid of you. And I want you to distribute this article to all your staff. This article should be classified as big data, or internet of things". 

To make things worse, CEO Stan has had a few bad interactions with our investors who he claims are "a bunch of goons". To make a long story short, CEO Stan has seen better days.

Needless to say, the entire team read the article before we started our management meeting. When Comrade Carl entered the meeting room, Stan said,

"Why the fu-k are you late Comrade Carl? Is that the way to lead by example, for Christ's sake? This entire management team is toxic, and if it were not for me, we'd all be down sh-t's creek with no paddle. I want point out two glaring examples of toxicity. 

Gloria,we all know that HR is god damn toxic. HR is about people, girl. And I want to emphasize to you Gloria, that kissing my arse is not enough. The nerds need to love you. Or you're out on your pretty ass, women's day or no women's day. 

And Comrade Carl Marks. You are the worst of the worst, from a toxicity perspective. Your team produces software products which are as useless as t-ts on a bull. All our clients think we suck, Comrade Carl. You invented toxic management". (My Dad Pierre Elliot used that red expression, almost word for word, all the time despite my mother's protests.)

The room was silent. I thought of how I could convey this message to my team in a positive fashion.

Comrade Carl stood up took of his shirt so we could all see his T shirt with the emblem posted below.

Then Comrade Carl swore at Stan in Russian. 

The meeting ended with the following action item:

"HR will drive out toxic leadership in a week." Owned by Gloria, supported by Comrade Carl.

Carl's T shirt

Which emails is it cool to ignore?

Foremost, I am the HR VP of a" people" company.
Readers of this blog all over the world know - people is my middle name on Tuesdays, every second month.

This having been said, even in a people company, I see no reason to answer most emails. We got real and put together a process for answering emails based on big data, not some silly "people" slogan. 

I asked Ms Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) and Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs diversity)  to do some data mining to figure out which emails need and don't need an answer from someone of my rank and station. 

I did some rework on their shabby recommendations and I am proud to present my new email policy policy, in line with my core values of "updated policies".

Emails to be answered:

• From CEO Stan and the narcissistic Marxist, Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd
• Compliance issues
• Any email that relates to my career
• Messages  from dateacharminghrmanagerfromcanada.com
• Any message with the words bigdata or internetofthings

Emails to be ignored:

• Inquiries from job seekers
• Wailing emails from rejected candidates who want to know why we have not yet contacted them with an answer.
• Nasty HR managers who challenge my thought leadership.
• OD vendors who send me useless crap with empty slogans. OD is dead.

PS This is not the last time I will use the term data mining.

Unique New Years' Resolution of a Nerdish HR Manager

Daily

I am sitting in the business class lounge of Moose Jaw Aeroport (French) in Canada , heading home after spending the Christmas and New Years holiday with my mother Constance, who is loosing her memory. 

Before I left Maman served tea and crumpets and she asked me the same questions time and time again. 

• When are you going back down to the States to your job in Manpower?
• Why don't you ever close your cellphone, Gloria? What a horrid habit that is!
• Do you live with anyone, Ms Ramsbottom?
• Do you know how proud I would be of you if you did something more creative?

My Dad used to tell Maman not to serve "those tasteless dry crumpets, Constance, for Christ's sake". I remembered that, kissed Maman goodbye, and skated back to the airport.

I made 5 new year resolutions, one of which is to be more patient with the old Bird, as my Dad would have called Maman.

Here are the other 4 resolutions, which I texted ahead to my team, Cynthia Axe and Hugh White, the white heterosexual who manages Diversity,

Innovation: On a weekly basis, ensure that the ladies of HR adopt and master a new HR technology, daily.

Nerdify HR: Ensure that Internet of Things, Big Data, Cloud Computing as well as each and every buzzword is assimilated "in a timely fashion" to create and leverage a nerd-like taint to HR.

Global: On a periodic basis, re-tweet in French, daily-to ensure a global posturing.

Sustainable: Stay ahead of the curve by use of small data, gossip and innocuous facts, daily.

Internet of things, sexual history and career path

Comrade Carl Marks, VP Emerging Technologies, sent me a Whats-app message: "Gloria, I notice you are immersing yourself in

the internet of things/IoT. Let's have supper tonight and I will give you my input on using IoT to garner more power. Let's go to a Russian restaurant. Comrade Carl Marks".

To be frank and earnest, I do not like Russian food; I prefer Oriental food, aka "les mets chinois" in French . But I certainly do like enhancing my power base. So I texted Carl:  "Comrade Carl, send me the address and I will meet you at 7 pm."

Comrade Carl had apparently had a few vodkas by the time I arrived. When I walked into our booth, he hugged me and said, "Jesus, Gloria you have nice legs. I hate HR but "they" don't  make HR ladies like you any more. Together, we shall change the world". Carl was wearing a T shirt inscribed with "Internet of Things is better than sex"

I realized that the alcohol and Comrade Carl's medication were "interacting".

After some chit chat and idle gossip, Carl stood up and asked me , "Gloria, did you know that the internet of things is tool that will allow HR to create causal and non causal explanations between promotions, sexual history, respect for HR, loyalty, engagement and marketability? Can you imagine what HR will look like? The ladies of HR would have more power than Trump, Stalin, Netanyahu, Queen Elizabeth or Erdogan!" Then Carl sat down.

The truth is that I do not know who these people are, since my "forte" was French and not history or literature. But I nodded my head in tacit understanding. What a word-tacit!  

( I think Erdogan is an abortion advocate).

Then Carl whispered in my ear, "all I asking from you, Gloria, is to ask the board to invest $400,000 in an HR data base and I will take in from there. In two years, a new HR will appear, and together, we can dispose of CEO Stan, whom we both agree is useless as tits on a bull". Carl looked as happy as a Chesire cat. I was mildly shocked.

I told Carl to mind his foul language since I am posh, have an new English accent,  and have accountability on all Diversity issues. 

Stan, is the Comrade organizing a coup? (French word)

Inclusion Campaign powered by Internet of Things

Axe watches me launch the Inclusion  Blitz

Prodded by the restless mind of  Wifey,  CEO Stan's indefatigable wife, I was ordered by CEO Stan to launch a blitz (German word) to "accommodate any person with liabilities", aka Inclusion. (Inclusion is a distant cousin of Diversity.)

I texted (using Whats-app and BBM) the followed strategic message to Ms Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

• "Do an inclusion survey with our staff and assess needs with 24 hours". 

Ms Axe (Cynthia), ever the absconder, forwarded this text to Hugh White, from Diversity. Hugh did not answer the text because his wife Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev) had pulled the leash very hard and young heterosexual Hugh is in the doghouse.

So, having to take full responsibility due to the lack of engagement of my lackeys,  I myself did an informal survey about inclusion needs.

Here are my findings.

     1) Folks from Sales want good engineers included in our IoT group.

     2) Folks in IoT HQ want some English speaking folks included in our Ukrainian development site.

     3) 98% of people sampled want Ms Axe (Cynthia) included in our Early Bird Retirement Program.

     4) One very very senior HR manager wants to include more people with a hyphenated last name, preferably with one of those names being French, like Beauregard-Taylor.

     5) Stan wants more workaholics included in our G&A staff.

    6) IoT nerds want people with speech impairments included in Sales, so that less promises can be made.

I shall make crisp decisions, after validating my findings with the internet of things. First, I need to figure out what IoT is, as it were. After consulting a IoT nerd, I will launch the Wow Wow Inclusion Campaign immediately. 

To be frank and earnest, IoT makes my HR role easy. I have two brothers, Frank and Ernest. 

Knowledge Management as an Enabler of Early Bird Retirement

Knowledge Management arouses me

In order to enable part of our staff to enjoy the benefits of our "Early Bird" Retirement Program, we are implementing Knowledge Management, starting next week. 

KM is HR's domain, just as much as Big and Medium-sized Data is in IT's domain (in close cooperation with HR).

CEO Stan has asked that the Knowledge Management  function will create sustainability, which is the best buzz word I have ever heard. 
When Stan uses the word "sustainability", he gets very.....well...almost aroused.  Personally, I get aroused from Internet of Things.

I am looking for a compliant, pliable, cost effective, OD vendor (native language English-with posh British accent) to prepare a 2 minute webinar outlining how to implement knowledge management "in a timely fashion", whilst explaining how KM contributes to sustainability. 

The vendor should be nice, civil and must  emphasize that no jobs will be lost "for the time being" as we transfer knowledge to portals.
Preference will be given to vendors who have fluent native English speakers  based in Tajikistan. I want a vendor who is very cost effective. The vendor shall pay me a management fee..

CEO Stan ask that Knowledge Management be "driven" by Cynthia Axe, since it is a "recruiting enabler" for Early Bird Retirement.