Religious holidays should not impact software delivery deadlines

Hugh White-intimidated

The hue of   Hugh White's skin (Head of Diversity) was whiter than ever when he left our CEO's office today. To quote White, "I prefer the bullying any day of my wife, Comrade Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev), to the bullying of your poisonous boss, Ma'am". 

I may not have mentioned before that Hugh calls me Ma'am. Hugh is from Utah.

It appears that the naive Hugh updated CEO Stan about the various religious holidays negatively impacting our scheduled software deliveries. Instead of obfuscating issues with a few slogans, Hugh spoke truth to power. Armed with excessive details about North Korea's Communication Day (8/4) and Public Health Day  (5/4), as well as the Easter (universal) and Passover (Jewish) holidays, Hugh told Stan that next week is a "lost work week. But at least we are diversity compliant".

CEO Stan flew into a rage pretty which reminded me of the You Tube about  how angry Hitler became when Twitter went down. 

Stan threw Hugh out of his office, and called me to ask me if I like my company car (a Honda Insight) and my seat at the leadership table. Heavens, what a question. Is the Pope Catholic? Do the Faroe Islands belong to Denmark?  I replied in the affirmative.

Stan told me to "thin out the number religious holidays NOW, or your goose is cooked, Ramsbottom. This is not a temple, it's a system house that delivers quality software".

I walked back to my room pondering what Stan had requested. I passed by Comrade Carl Marks (our chief nerd) who was ranting and raving that "the domination of the west is over due to the spineless Americans. We should move our HQ to Tehran. Gloria, you will  need to cover your shapely legs up, because in Tehran women cover themselves and shut up".

On days like this, I wish big data had all the answers; I also wish Hugh was less "transparent" and more agile, and Carl was more normal.

Next year, in Tehran

Toxic leadership is not resilient, but it is common

Let's end toxic leadership

Warning. This post should not be read by minors, or people new to HR. 

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks was caught with his pants down, as it were, in our management meeting today. Comrade Carl had entered the meeting 20 minutes late, having smoked a joint in the parking lot with a few of his nerds from the Internet of Things team. At first, he was jovial as a lark.

Little did Comrade Carl know that our CEO's brainy wife (Wifey) had read an article on toxic leadership by a certain Dr Joseph George. Wifey had grilled her husband Stan all night, saying "get rid of toxic leadership Stanley, before they get rid of you. And I want you to distribute this article to all your staff. This article should be classified as big data, or internet of things". 

To make things worse, CEO Stan has had a few bad interactions with our investors who he claims are "a bunch of goons". To make a long story short, CEO Stan has seen better days.

Needless to say, the entire team read the article before we started our management meeting. When Comrade Carl entered the meeting room, Stan said,

"Why the fu-k are you late Comrade Carl? Is that the way to lead by example, for Christ's sake? This entire management team is toxic, and if it were not for me, we'd all be down sh-t's creek with no paddle. I want point out two glaring examples of toxicity. 

Gloria,we all know that HR is god damn toxic. HR is about people, girl. And I want to emphasize to you Gloria, that kissing my arse is not enough. The nerds need to love you. Or you're out on your pretty ass, women's day or no women's day. 

And Comrade Carl Marks. You are the worst of the worst, from a toxicity perspective. Your team produces software products which are as useless as t-ts on a bull. All our clients think we suck, Comrade Carl. You invented toxic management". (My Dad Pierre Elliot used that red expression, almost word for word, all the time despite my mother's protests.)

The room was silent. I thought of how I could convey this message to my team in a positive fashion.

Comrade Carl stood up took of his shirt so we could all see his T shirt with the emblem posted below.

Then Comrade Carl swore at Stan in Russian. 

The meeting ended with the following action item:

"HR will drive out toxic leadership in a week." Owned by Gloria, supported by Comrade Carl.

Carl's T shirt

Why leaders must stop serving warm Cool Aid in the era of Internet of Things

Blowing smoke up our ass?

VP of  Internet of Things, Comrade Carl Marks, started off the week like a "bull in a China shop" in our management meeting, as my late Dad Pierre Elliot used to say. First, a bit of background.

We have a new product which Comrade Carl claims "is a pearl", yet our clients believe that "the product is a piece of shit", as it were.

Comrade Carl had claimed at first that the product is stable and the only issue is a "service issue" as well as the lack of client sophistication. Comrade Carl has had to change his "tune".

Under pressure to find a solution, Comrade Carl spelt out the strategy of "sinking some of our products' liabilities into the platform of Internet of Things, so as to move on to newer and greater things". No one really understood what Comrade Carl meant except me; as HR manager, I adopt slogans quickly.

(My coach, who pumps gas, told me that Comrade Carl needs new strong medication.)

Today, at the management meeting, CEO Stan attacked Comrade Carl, Stan claimed "we do not have time to wait for your cock-and-bull vision to mature, Comrade  Carl. We have numbers to meet, for Christ's sake. This is not a publicly owned Russian utility - we need profit, not vision. You are "blowing smoke up our ass, Comrade Carl. Why don't you emigrate to Russia, or Ukraine?"

Comrade Carl winked at me. Then Carl spoke  "Stan, just look how quickly Gloria aligned the ladies of HR department to whistle and sloganize about the Internet of Things. It's easy Stan. Just go the Board and ask for more time and money to support the new vision. Don't be frightened Stan-lead. No one drinks the old kool-aide any more. Lead Stan! Gloria should be your role model! "

HR is a role model for early adaptation

Do accents impact a career?

French makes me exotic; Proper English makes me posh

My coach (who used to sell anti injury insurance to people who text whist driving) confronted me with an uncomfortable truth. "You are not posh enough", Gloria. 

My Dad (Pierre Elliot) never used the term posh, when I was growing up in Saskatchewan, My mom may have used it, but I was Daddy's girl.

There was some truth to what my coach said. When I gave my lecture last week at our Management Academy, I did notice that CEO Stan had closed his eyes. And I did notice that some our engineers, including old de Villiers, were looking at my legs and not focusing on the content, as it were. 

Talent Management, Sloganeering, HR Business Partnership leveraging Big Data are all more interesting than 2 Canadian legs, for heaven sake.

To rectify the problem, my coach told me to listen to tapes of Brits (not Scots) speaking English  and try to "emulate" their accent when pronouncing key words. For example:

In line with our core values...core should be cohr.

or

HR is a business partner....R should be Ahr.

or

As it were...were should be wahhr.

I tried this feigned British accent today when speaking to Comrade Carl Marks. He looked at me, and started speaking in Russian. I did not understand a word.(I have never of heard of a famous Russian HR manager. HR is a profession for the more developed, English speaking world, as it were).

And let's be frank and earnest. The British say the worst things the right way, whilst other more tribal languages sound so brutish. 

HR and English go hand in hand, like big data, engagement and sloganeering.

HR Recruitment Bypassed as Comrade Carl Marks hires Marsha Zhukov

Who needs a recruitment function?

Hugh White from Diversity came into my room at 905 am. He had a black eye and swollen lip. Apparently, heterosexual (white) Hugh and his wife Comrade Ludmilla had had a minor misunderstanding and Ludmilla (nee Khrushchev) had the upper hand, as it were.

Hugh blurted out: "Gloria, Comrade Carl hired a PMO without our involvement. The new recruit is Marsha Zhukov, and apparently her great grandfather was a big shot over there in Europe. Apparently, he helped the Americans defeat the Germans in Stalingrad in World War 2."

I am always startled by the intelligence of the people who report into me. Even I know that it was the British who defeated Germany and I was weak in history, as it were.

I am also startled that our ERP (HR module) did not block that weirdo Carl from hiring someone and not abiding by process, as it were.

I looked at my inbox (whilst I was reading a text from my sister Claire who is going thru her 5th divorce) and I saw the following email:

To: all

From: Marsha Zhukov-O'Brian

“After a few hours in the company, I understand why leadership allows Comrade Carl Marks to directs every move and decision... Carl is the greatest and wisest R&D manager who ever lived; he is cooler than big data.

I promise to purge R&D from negative input, promulgated by subversive elements in Sales, as well as marginalize the HR "free-lunchers" who live off the sweat of our people."

Marsha Zhukov-O'Brien, Comrade

Project Management Office, aka, PMO

                                                                             Big shot in Europe

Leadership does always mean consistency.

My team is so dysfunctional

In a rare meeting of great minds this morning, R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks, Hugh White (the white heterosexual boy who heads Diversity) and I met. 

The mindless Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) is in Waterloo on "personal business" and thus did not attend. 

It appears that CEO Stan has issued some contradictory directions. Luckily for each us, we recorded Stan's orders on our smartphones. Comrade Carl uses an I-phone 6, Hugh White uses an old, decrepit Nokia, and I am a beta user of the nifty Blackberry Passport. (Beta is not a French word.)

Comrade Carl, Hugh White and I each listened to what Stan had said; this is big data, and suitable to be stored on a cloud.

Stan told Comrade Carl to "hire as many people are you need from any shit hole in the world to stabilize the god damned product".

Stan told Hugh White to "thin out the number of people with poor English from Comrade Carl's dismal team".

Stan told me to ensure that "headcount goes down by 10% a quarter from Comrade Carl's team, and ensure that Carl is taking his medication, so that he does not think he is Joseph Stalin".

At 11 am, Stan met with the three of us. We did not actually barge into his room. Stan was taking a leak when we entered his room and he appeared shocked to see us all sitting around his mahogany table when he returned.

Hugh White commented that Stan pisses twice an hour. Hugh believes this is a disability. Hugh is observant but irrelevant, as it were.

When Stan listened to the recordings of himself, he slammed his fist on the table and thrusting his finger toward us bellowing: 'strive for coherence, or you will all get the Axe".

Stan may have been referring to Cynthia Axe, who heads our Early Bird Retirement scheme.

A meeting of minds

Rethinking motivation

Balanced at last

R&D chief Comrade Carl Marks returned to work today after a two week vacation in Crimea. That at least is where he claims he was; I think he was at home, having had his medications adjusted.... after feigning a Russian accent led his doctor to believe he was having a breakdown.

Comrade Carl apparently still pays no heed to the fact that our new product release has been uninstalled by key customers, and remains only partially functional for those clients who have not gone the "uninstall route". Carl believes that HR "needs to hire a service manager who can solve the so-called product issues with big data enabled by a cloud."

My Dad Pierre Eliot, used to say "there is only so much drugs can do". Dad was referring to my mother Constance who constantly popped Valium for one reason or another.

Comrade Carl came into my office in the morning hours and said that he has "rethought the motivation issue". Comrade Carl says that HR needs to put together a motivation program based on mild religious beliefs Erdogan style,  a sense of absolute truth a la Netanyahu, and "an Obama-like conviction" of "don't f--k with us".

Carl then added, "Wrap this all up in a Putin delivery mechanism, and you have the perfect motivation and engagement plan, Glo".

To my astonishment, after Carl used the term "Putin Deliver Mechanism", he started once again to drift into a Russian accent. After 2 hours of rambling, Carl blurted out- ``Yobt tvoyu mat, I`ve given up on HR.``

Who is Ed Wan

Cognitive Disabilities

White -straight and white as a lily

Our CEO met the Head of Diversity, a certain Hugh White, in the elevator. Hugh is white and straight. CEO Stan gave White some strategic direction:

"White my boy, do some work to improve the cognitive capabilities of our nerds. The fucking product is a mess. And we need to make sure the documentation is in one language,  English, not Hebrew, Russian or Tamil ! Budget is not an issue; just get Gloria to sign off".

Hugh told CEO Stan that many of our nerds do not speak good English and need intense language training. Stan muttered, "Maybe I need to fire that Ramsbottom bitch; why the fuck does she hire people just off the boat"? 

My guess is that CEO Stan is frustrated. I have learnt not just to act, but to think as well.

I must be honest that I do not know a lot about cognitive disabilities, except for two examples-my sister Claire Ramsbottom who is a total mess and   US born and bred R&D Chief Comrade Carl Marks speaks English with a Russian accent, which is  an apparent psychiatric disorder, as it were. I sometimes wonder if not being understood is not a disability, but an advantage-there being someone to blame. 

I do know that there are people who are experts in cognitive capabilties, but they charge a fee and personally, I love free advice.

My plan to upgrade cognitive disability will focus on increasing English language skills, implement an intense wellness program based on "meaning not doing",  and putting an end to late night pizzas, except for the Mediterranean nerds who eat late supper meals without side effects. 

Our German CEO Mister Herr Krebbs was updated on the savings incurred by my pizza initiative; "gut" was Krebbs' cogent reaction.

No night pizzas

On one hand-will Blockchain Andy solve this one for me?

I need to think-and it is painful.

Executive Vice President of R&D Comrade Carl Marks' personality started to disintegrate after the release of our newest product which has 55,988 revenue impacting bugs.
Comrade Carl said that our "product is a pearl :  unsophisticated clients can go fuck themselves". Then he decided to take two weeks off "to do some banking in the Caribbean. 

Our CEO Stan hopes that I can help "re-integrate" the Comrade back to reality, in line with my core values of realignment.  

In a rare moment of transparency, our CEO Stan sent me a text acknowledging a wellbeing issue: "what can be done with Comrade Carl-he made need help, such as cost-effective coaching!"

A word about Comrade Carl-Carl's R&D team consists of Indians, Thais, Israelis,  Russians, Ukrainians and one old South African comrade named de Villiers.  Only 74% of the team understand him sometimes. Why? Well, Comrade Carl is a weirdo! American born and bred Marks not only speaks Russian most of the time with his team, but even when he speaks English, he has adopted a thick Russian accent. (for example, he mispronounces big data as "pik dayta").  

I could go on and on, but I won't in line with my core values of not going on and on. Carl does indeed need help of the HR ilk. I have several options:

On one hand, I could help Comrade Carl by providing him with coaching with my bare hands. I am a seasoned HR business partner, and coaching could have been my middle name.

On the other hand, I could hire a cost-effective coach, who may prove to be disloyal and undermine HR's professional authority.

On the third hand, I could dither and  enable Comrade Carl to fail, in line with my core value of self preservation.

My Dad, Pierre Elliot, used to say, "Gloria, mon chou, people do not have three hands".

I will sleep on this for a while and consult my blockchain named Andy. 

My tendency is to let nature take its course, given Comrade Carl's non wow attitude to HR.

The politics of big data

Nicole put my picture on Hugh's wall

When our CEO Stan appointed Ms Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) as "HR focal point for Big Data", I cannot say I felt wow wow wow. I felt wow minus 2.

Hugh White (the white heterosexual who runs my Diversity program) informed his wife, Ms Ludmilla White, that Ms Axe has seized the big data portfolio. 

Upon hearing the news, Ludmilla, who was brought up in the Former Soviet Union, threw a punch which Hugh managed to avoid, or he would have been knocked out cold.

Hugh confided in me that his wife believes that he suffers from "a low level of testosterone". Ludmilla added: "You need to think like a politruk!"

Within a week, I noticed a difference in Hugh's behaviour. Hugh started talking to me about "creating a power base", and "serving as a counter balance" to Ms Axe. To make things stranger, Hugh kept using the words in Russian.

I noticed my picture on the wall in Hugh's room. I knew that luck was now on my side, if I played my cards right, as it were. I love saying "as it were".

Today I sent this email to Stan.

To: Stan, CEO

CC: Hugh White from Diversity

CC: Cynthia Axe from Early Bird Retirement and Diversity

Stan,

Hugh and I are working hand in hand with Ms Axe (Cynthia) to ensure you get all the big data that you need.

Hugh believes that he should gather the big data from the diversity perspective. As you know, all our engineers are diverse. Not one speaks good English, and many have no sex life.

Do you mind if I coordinate and serve as a focal point between Ms Axe and Diversity from a big data perspective, so ensure that you get as much big data as possible?

Gloria

Stan answered in a "to all reply": "Sure, and make sure that the reporting lines get cleared up". Stan

Gloria considers career change-from HR manager to hair dresser.

CCM

There is no reason in the world why employees should not be engaged.  However, sometimes I encounter non- wow situations, which call for HR intervention. For example, Let's look at HR vrs Engineering to compare levels of  engagement.

                               Engagement in HR

• Thank heavens there are no engagement issues in HR.
• I love my work; “people” is my middle name on Thursdays.
• Cynthia Axe (Early Bird Retirement) feels axe-hillarated at the end of each week that she meets her downsizing quota.
• Every time that Diversity Chief Hugh White learns something weird about someone’s sexual life, he is engaged for days,as if he had found a big data mine.

                            Engagement in Engineering

There is, however, an engagement problem in Engineering.  

• Our new product now has 45989 identified bugs; even worse, the product “reboots” when more than 30 users log in.
• Comrade Carl Marks, R&D Chief, believes that these technical issues are “service related”.
• Nevertheless, CEO Stan has insisted that Comrade Carl’s engineers deal with product stability issues until HR hires a service manager.

Ciboire, I should have become a hair dresser.

                               Wifey Intervenes 

I received a text from Wifey (Stan’s wife): “Gloria, use spot bonuses to motivate Comrade Carl’s people. Wifey.”  

3 seconds later, I got a text from Stan, “Have you acted on Wifey’s text? Stan”

                             Gloria acts

I convened a meeting of my HR team to deal with Wifey's proposal.

Cynthia Axe “declined” and white heterosexual Diversity Hugh White was in court, defending our company’s stellar Diversity Policy, after someone anonymous complained that “Diversity should be more than hiring a Scot at the switchboard”.

I put together a spot bonus program to reward engagement.   

•     For each product stability issue solved, an engineer with receive an extra cheese coupon, to be used with pizza ordered after 11 pm at work (on Fridays only).
•     For every 100 revenue impacting bugs solved, an engineer will get a trip to Moscow (February) in an unheated dacha on the Volga River.
•     Comrade Carl Marks will get a discretionary budget deflated 4000 rubles to slip into his staff’s pockets, in “collaboration” with VP HR Gloria Ramsbottom and in full alignment with Hugh White. The allocation of this slush fund is big data.

This post is dedicated to Comrade Ilana from Israel and Monsieur Thibadeau from Quebec City, Gloria’s loyal fans. Spasiba and merci.

AS

Installing a bar in Comrade Carl's office

I prefer the downsizing mode!

With the upcoming release of our new product in ten days, sales have started to pick up. 

Albania, South Thailand, parts of rural Ukraine not yet under Russian rule, Chad and Afghanistan have all issued purchase orders. For the first time in 5 years, our revenue will match our expenses. CEO Stan finally feels the rope loosening around his chubby neck .

Growth poses challenges for HR, especially thought leaders like me, who want to do things professionally, keeping costs aligned within budget while creating a wow wow wow environment.

Four (cat in French) events that have taken place over the past day illustrate the semi wow challenges of growth for HR managers.

1) Comrade Carl Marks, R&D chief, has asked for a new company car and chauffeur. Carl also asked for a 'bar' to be installed in his room, and "stocked daily" by the firm. Comrade Carl covered his bases, and cleared the bar with CEO Stan a priori, which is not a French term. I was asked by CEO Stan to approve the bar related bills that Comrade Carl will submit.

Then Stan texted me to "deal with the car issue, Gloria; he is greedy and needs limits. You are good at that". Then, as an afterthought, Stan informed me by text that Comrade Carl Marks was now Senior Executive Vice President.

2) Downsizing diva, Ms Cynthia Axe, knows that she need to replace expensive white US, engineers with cost effective, perfect English speaking Albanians, Afghans and Thais, in line with our sacred value of cheap labour.

Yet, Ms Axe has requested a "job transfer". I "happened" to find a text message she sent her present life partner, which read "I don't want to be Gloria's bitch now that things look better".

Axe wants to get "into" Sales or Change Management.

3) CEO Stan sent me a text telling me that "HR needs to focus on its role of pleasing people, whilst remaining on budget. Also, beef up talent management-we don't have too many smart people here except for Carl and I". 

4) Hugh White, the white boy who runs Diversity, asked for a raise. He told me that he is "under enormous pressure" from his wife Comrade Ludmilla White, to bring home more money.

A bar please, spasiba

HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service

I need some HR creativity

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, has had a stormy relationship with HR. Carl seems to feel that HR's mission critical function can be replaced with a voice enabled help desk service.

Strangely, Comrade Carl sees HR as the "guardian of the status quo!"  To be frank and earnest, Comrade Carl strikes me as a weirdo. He was born and bred in the USA; indeed he got his PhD at some unknown Russian polytechnic university, yet he thinks, behaves and drinks like a Russian; he also swears like a Russian! 

Yet today our relationship underwent a change.

Comrade Carl meandered into my office (after having smoked a joint in the parking lot) with a huge smile on his face. "Hi Glo, you look better than ever today! Pizdets, we have an issue-let's talk, sweety".

Comrade Carl told me that 2 weeks before the new product release, 5 engineers, Igor, Igor, Svetlana, Svetlana and Svetlana all have asked for a raise, immediately. Since "sufficient documentation" of the product is not available, WE need to think twice before we say no. After all, WE do not want this failure on OUR shoulders, do we, Gloria?"

Then Comrade Carl said a few words to me in French. Comrade Carl speaks very good French, and he even swore using a few choice Quebec expressions, which I shan't repeat because readers won't know what this is all about. He went on-

"So Gloria, in the spirit of transparency and cooperation, I wanted to tell you that CEO Stan has oked a 30 K ``stay bonus`` for all five employees and he has asked me to make sure that WE stay within the budget for total cost of headcount. Please handle this`professionally, and update Stan before you go home. By the way, Glo, you are a great business partner.`