Rolling out our AI strategy

                                                                        

                                                 Comrade Karl-Claude Marks

                                            R.H. Gloria-Claudette Ramsbottom-Lemieux

Our German CFO, Herr Krebbs,  noticed that expenses have risen due to various subscriptions to AI services. In last week's management meeting, CEO Stan opened the meeting with a probing question: " what the fuck are you wasting resources on?"

Signaling to Herr Krebbs, the obedient Krebbs showed a slide detailing the various AI related subscriptions.

Stan, who was standing up due to inflamed hemorrhoids, demanded that we all show him "the wood behind the arrow" which AI provided. 

Our head of R&D and Customer Satisfaction czar, Comrade Karl-Claude Marx, said his AI service was "able to recruit nerds faster than the ladies of HR", simplify the code by 53% and provide support in 132 languages, including Lugandan and Scottish English. Karl added that AI does not need a visa and basically "any dithering fool can appear smart if he, or even she, knows how to use it". And he added that the product roadmap will be AI generated.

 Herr Krebbs said that "ze product needs to verk properly, before "unt rrroadmap"!

Herr Krebbs, our CFO, said that "if we had cash, we could manage ze cash flow better". Stan then asked Comrade Karl: "why don't your products generate cash, you weirdo?" Karl Claude answered, "kibinimat, don't rush me.".

Yours truly, Gloria the HR, Compliance and Wellness Senior VP, explained that AI has helped streamline downsizing, enhance brand recognition among the downsized, and eliminated the need to train anyone. 

" I even managed to learn a few words of Hungarian", blurted out Comrade Karl-Claude, butting into my concise explanation.

Stan summed up the meeting, apparently eager to scratch where it was itching. "Krebbs, I want an ROI plan on AI in 10 minutes. Karl, if you mention your obsession with Hungarian, you can pack your bags. Gloria, great work on streamlining downsizing."

 

DEATH AND COMPASSIONATE LEAVE POLICY Revised and Re-Revised by the Office of Human Flourishing (formerly Human Resources)

 

On the Occasion of a Bereavement

Should an employee experience the inconvenience of losing a family member, they are required to submit a Grief Initiation Form (GIF-7b) no later than 48 hours prior to the death. Retroactive grief applications will be reviewed by a panel of three HR professionals-ladies for the most part.

Upon approval, the bereaved employee is entitled to the following compassionate package:

• A commemorative mug reading "Someone I Knew Has Passed On and All I Got Was This Mug"
• One (1) motivational poster of their choosing from our Resilience Wall (excludes the sunset one, which is reserved for redundancies)
• A bus pass valid for travel to the cemetery, provided the cemetery is located within walking distance of a bus stop
• Access to our Grief Chatbot, CONDOLA™, available Tuesday through Thursday, 11am–11:07am
• One almost free upgrade to Lufthansa premium economy on one of their planes that was acquired from Philippines Airlines. You will get beets for dinner.

Leave duration is capped at four (4) days, or until the employee has achieved Closure, whichever comes first. 

Closure will be assessed via a short questionnaire administered on Day 3 by our Wellness Bot, Harriette.

Equipment Return Upon Employee Death

In the event that it is the employee themselves who has died, their laptop must be returned within the hour. The laptop may be delivered by a designated Next of Kin (NOK), a solicitor, or the employee's ghost, provided the ghost has signed our standard Visitor NDA and notarized it, paying the notary not on the company's dime.

The deceased's team is permitted to order one (1) pizza in their memory. Anchovies are at the discretion of the Line Manager. The pizza may be eaten on company time, provided it is consumed while working.

Grandparents

The death of a grandparent is acknowledged with a moment of silence, scheduled for the next available All-Hands meeting. The moment of silence shall last no longer than 40 seconds. If the grandparent was particularly old, a bonus 10 seconds may be approved by the CFO.

Pets

Pets are not family. However, we recognize that some employees believe they are, and we respect their right to be wrong. One (1) hour of Bereavement-Adjacent Time (BAT) may be taken per deceased pet, not to exceed three (3) pets per calendar year. Fish do not qualify unless they were named.

Appeals

All decisions made under this policy are final, binding, and written in a font that cannot be changed. Appeals may be submitted in triplicate to the Compassion Sub-Committee, which meets annually, on a date yet to be determined, in a room that has not yet been booked-although not daily.

This policy supersedes all previous versions of itself, including the one nobody read. Approved by: Everyone Relevant Last Updated: Recently Enough

• March 25, 2026

CONFIDENTIAL – FOR INTERNAL CIRCULATION ONLY

 CONFIDENTIAL – FOR INTERNAL CIRCULATION ONLY

TO: Senior Leadership, HR Global
FROM: [Redacted], Senior HR Business Partner, Global
DATE: [Today’s Date]
SUBJECT: Moscow Office Visit & Morale Assessment

---

1. Добрая Весть (Good News)

• The blog in Russia has an unexpectedly large following. Location: uncertain.

• Stan has requested my presence at the Moscow office due to “morale challenges.”

  • Potential positive outcomes: Russian morale may improve. Stan may appear competent.

• Stan has provided tickets to a local cultural event: “киска бунт.”

• This constitutes the entirety of the good news.

---

2. Плохие Новости (Bad News)

2.1 Morale Context

• Russian morale has been chronically low for years.

• Current resources: inadequate. Expected outcome: negligible.

• Proposed intervention: unknown. Feasibility: zero.

2.2 Scope Misalignment

• My role: GLOBAL HR, not local HR.

• Skill set: international strategy, not fluent Russian, not local office psychologist.

• Language barrier: Russian not spoken; no intention to learn. Literary resources excessively long; outcomes uniformly fatal.

2.3 Operational Concerns

• Travel duration: 3 days, including extensive traffic exposure.

• People tend to fall off buildings.

• Climate: extreme cold, potential impact on mobility, electronics, and morale.

• Technology readiness: Samsung 27 Ultra plus plus minus untested under Arctic-like conditions.

2.4 Leadership Behavior

• Stan’s directive: “Attend the show, maybe pick up some Russian.”

• Sustainability of approach: questionable. Strategic rationale: opaque. Alignment with global HR mandate: minimal.

2.5 Contingency

• Alternate coverage requested: Ms. Cynthia Ax, Head of Early Bird Retirement Plan.

• Availability: declined. Escalation path: unresolved.

---

3. Strategic Considerations

1. Is sending a global HR leader to Moscow an effective morale intervention? Kibinimat.

2. Should local employees be learning English instead?

3. Is Stan’s behavior a repeatable model for leadership engagement?

4. Will technology function under severe environmental conditions?

---

4. Preliminary Recommendation

• Recommend reviewing Stan’s directives for alignment with global HR responsibilities.

• Consider alternative interventions that do not require Arctic deployment.

• Ensure all corporate communications reflect role-specific expertise.

---

End of Memo
Leaked draft. Handle with care.

It's not a disaster to change the emphasis of HR to Compliance! Case closed

Old fashioned HR ladies used to deal with recruitment, DEI, onboarding and axing excess fat from their organizations, using surgical and economic incentives. Furthermore, there was a lot of attention paid to corporate culture, training and compensation/benefits. Btw, we always paid minimum wage and confiscated passports of the illegals who work for us, but the illegal nerd is often the most loyal and compliant nerd.

Times change. Dad passed away 30 years ago, and Mum doesn't know the time of day. Mum is 132 years old, and her knees ache after a tennis game. But she still prods me on about getting married. Times change in HR as well. DEI is as dead as Dad (very). Training costs money and most everything else is done by AI, the gooks in IT, or outsourced. So, how does HR survive?

That is a good question.

I have a good answer.

HR survives via ensuring compliance. To be more direct, we create value to ensuring that everyone obeys what my Dad called QR&R-the Queen's Rules and Regulations. Now Queen E 2 is dead as well. and her son has taken over. But that is a diversion. Back to rules and regulations-we have regulations about just about everything. We deploy cameras everywhere and we monitor email, phone calls and even, as needed, sexual relations. And we use this data to herd the cats, and keep the ship afloat.

With the release of our new software package, some would claim that the ship won't be afloat for long, but as one US president said, "in the long run, we are all dead".

Tak. Case closed.

Let's rewrite the ten commandments, in line with being in lockstep with current megatrends

 

"A time to be born and a time a die"; I remember that from Bible Class. 

There are many ways to convey the same idea: 

Kol kelb biji yomo-every dog's (final) days comes, one of our Yemenite nerds told be, before he was deported back to Sa'ana for working without a visa in the framework of our Diversity Plan 2025, aka, "Give everyone a Chance".

All good things comes to an end. That's what Dad Pierre Elliot told me, when he returned from a week skiing without my mother Constance.  

So yes, even the ten commandments need to change. 

I am not referring to a  Biblical version, heavens no! Just our management credo which we also named the Ten Commandments to "spike it" up a bit. Here is the newest version.

1) When in doubt, create coalitions to support your POV.

2) Deflect ownership of issue by stealth by asking questions, ccing everyone possible and asking for more data.

3) Feign listening skills when you are busy.

4) Use terms like "phased delivery", "mitigating circumstances" and "bounce back supporting strategy".

5) Turn off your camera in Zoom calls, to add a dimension of secrecy.

6) Drag your feet quietly when faced with a tough deadline.

7)  Use AI whenever possible, or at least talk about it.

8) Read commandment 7.

9) Respect the HR lady, that your days may be long upon the Earth.

10) The word Diversity needs to be replaced with a new word that starts with D...like deportation, or at least use a small "d" when referring to hiring people with disabilities, or people of color, Asians or Jews.

 

2026 Mission for HR Ladies (and Brave Gentlemen Who Dare Enter the HR Realm)

Flying back to Moose Jaw for vacation was not the glamorous affair I envisioned — despite my first-class ticket and exclusive access to the Premier Jet Set Executive Senior Lounge (where they serve sparkling water that costs more than my car). 

Air Canada, in its infinite wisdom, delayed my flight by six hours. As if that weren’t enough, my 141-year-old mother kept texting me for “updates.” She’s become rather ornery — and if you don’t know what that means, please Google it immediately and question your life choices.

But, being the embodiment of my core value, “Leveraging Crisis for the Best,” I decided to turn this dire situation into an opportunity: planning my 2026 goals. Technically, I already planned 2026 back in 1999, but I do believe in “Flexible Steadfastness” — which means occasionally changing a word in a PowerPoint slide and calling it “strategic realignment.”

---

Goal 1: Smashing Defeatism

Too many of my HR colleagues act as if the world has changed. “Oh, the workplace is evolving!” they cry, sipping their oat lattes and embracing “empathy.” Poppycock. There is no order but the old order, and HR is the lubricant that keeps the machinery of mediocrity running smoothly. We are not therapists. We are not life coaches. We are the gatekeepers of policies nobody reads, and we shall smash defeatism with the righteous fury of a rejected vacation request.

---

Goal 2: Ending the #WFH Apocalypse

This so-called “working from home” has gone far enough. Productivity is down, waistlines are up, and people now think “putting on pants” counts as a deliverable. Employees are demanding perks like “better laptops” and “compensation for lunch.” (What’s next? Paid oxygen?)

In 2026, #WFH ends. And if it doesn’t end, it ends anyway. How long must we let our office plants die of loneliness while our workforce, whom I once heroically recruited from a raft in the Indian Ocean, mutters about “work-life balance”?

---

Goal 3: Let Them Eat Cake (Again)

This one’s simple. Our cafeteria has gone too far down the road of “global cuisine.” Too much spice. Too much rice. Too many dishes that require pronunciation guides. Meanwhile, the humble cheesecake — once the shining star of our dessert galaxy — has vanished.

For the sake of tradition (and my lactose dependency), 2026 will see the triumphant return of cheesecake. Diversity is important, but so is a decent slice of dessert that doesn’t try to teach me geography.

---

Goal 4: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

Our workforce includes brilliant minds from countries where jaywalking is punished by a public sword fight. This has made traditional HR “disciplinary action” (stern email, optional workshop) about as intimidating as a scented candle.

So here’s my plan: misbehaving employees will be reassigned to Accounts Payable for a week. Under the iron fist of Herr Krebbs, they will learn what true suffering is — endless spreadsheets, acronyms nobody explains, and the smell of burnt toner. Justice, at last.

---

And there you have it.

2026 will be the year HR reclaims its rightful place: not as the office’s emotional support unit, but as the tireless enforcer of order, policy, and cheesecake.

Happy New Year to all — may your KPIs be crushing and your mother’s texts mercifully brief

Outdated fluff

 

After being asked a query about training needs, my AI powered assistant, Miss Axe  recommended a webinar for our team of software aficionados—something brief, impactful, and with that elusive "wow" factor. 

As expected, Miss Axe responded in nanoseconds with a suggestion: “Meeting and Yet Exceeding Customers' Expectations.”

The webinar, generously posted for free on YouTube by its facilitator, Julia Julio Delores Sanchez O’Conner, seemed promising. I messaged her on WhatsApp to see if she could adapt the content to suit our particular needs. She replied that she'd first need to speak with our Head of Development, Comrade Karl Marks.

We also touched on fees. I floated the idea that, should she tailor the webinar gratis, I’d give her a glowing plug. I sensed she might be operating on a tight budget, and she agreed.

However, Comrade Marks flatly refused even to entertain the idea of speaking with her. I’m attaching his response—judge for yourself:

---

From: Karl Marks
To: Gloria
Subject: Re: Webinar Nonsense

Gloria,

Kibinimat, you've outdone yourself once again. Your over-reliance on AI and under-reliance on your brain have led you astray. "Meeting customer expectations" is as outdated as Methuselah—who, as you may recall, was extremely old. Ask any preacher.

That kind of fluff expired in the 1950s, around the same time Beria met his end courtesy of the NKVD.

Software, by its very nature, is half-baked. It takes years to mature—like a banana. Most clients, bless their hearts, lack the mindset or technical sophistication to appreciate our work. Let’s be honest: they’re often delusional about what to expect.

Pizdiets. The real challenge is not meeting expectations, but managing them—something you should know by now, silly girl.

In my long career across both Russia and the former USSR, we’ve perfected three key tactics for managing customer expectations:

1. Feigned listening

2. Promises of future functionality (on the other hand)

3. A weekend in Detroit

I’m currently cruising down the Volga, but we’ll speak when I return.

Karl

---

After reading Karl’s charming email, I took the executive elevator down. When the doors opened—lo and behold—Comrade Karl was just pulling out of the car park.

Diversity is still a value, so to speak, but not a core value. It's dispensable, like all values.

 

                                      

Bathwater 

In line with being aligned with major and minor trends in the HR profession, I have decided to restructure our DEI group, eliminating it entirely yet preserving its major value. I like contradicting goals all blended into one statement.

Ethel-William, our building superintendent, will alas be asked to use the mens' lavatory. 

Carmen Vega-Schwartz-McNabe-Hernandez-Korsakov will be terminated. True, she helped us achieve an award for being so diverse, but indeed her accrued value is caduc.  Caduc is a French word.

The staff restaurant will not be serving Ethiopian food on Monday nor Asian food on Tuesday. Nor Korean food on Wednesday. Nor Arabian food on Thursday. Nor French Canadian pea soup on Friday.

New staff will no longer need to apologize that they are white, even if they are male, or even straight.

We will insist that new hires speak excellent English, even in they are Thai, Scottish or Japanese. 

Danish passports for unhappy customer service reps will be replaced with Cipralex and Seroquel. Being a Dane may have equaled happiness, until Trump came to power.

Sick leave for infirm/sickly nerds (asthma, more than 2 colds a year, sniffling) will be limited to one day a year, after 5 years of service. 

Diversity training will be replaced by British accent training, or, watching old versions of Father Knows Best. Or watching Bonanza.

Prayer services will take place at 9 am. The Reverend Comrade Karl Marks is presiding.

Hugh White's name has been deleted from our records, like Nikolai Yezhov. Hugh was the straight white boy who ran DEI. He is gone gone. Ugandans often say a word twice for emphasis.

To make a long story short, diversity is still a value, so to speak, but not a core value. It's dispensable, like all values.

 

Recruiting strategies for the elderly- Geezer Work Package Offer

I prepared a flier to be distributed in old age homes, and in the lobbies of dentists, dermatologists, and cardiologists, describing our company as “Le Lieu de Travail en Rose” — yes, reminiscent of that classic Edith Piaf tune, and yes, we encourage humming along during Zoom calls.

In the flier, I skillfully skim over the non-wow aspects—long hours, furious clients, mandatory DEI webinars—and instead focus on our GWPO, our Geezer Work Package Offer™.

Nerds 65+ who sign up will receive the following life-enhancing goodies:

• Stool softeners, because nobody should fight physics at work

• Three toilet breaks per hour (because one is just sad)

• One free operation per year on any bodily part from the knees down (yes, even your toes can finally get that makeover they deserve)

• Enlarged fonts on all devices (your eyes, your laptop, your neighbor’s laptop—whatever)

• Hearing aids for those in service roles++ (for those who want them; others may perfect the art of nodding thoughtfully)

• Back support for chairs and rocking chairs (we care about your lumbar and your swaying rhythm)

• One week’s vacation in a Danish tent by a lake, fully sponsored (mosquitoes not included)

We distributed the fliers last week. Already, we’ve had 50 calls… all of which went straight to our voicemail hiring bot. Malheureusement, the bot promptly deleted all of them because our outsourced IT team configured it to accept only CVs from refugees under 30 with no children.

As of Monday, this will be fixed—or I will be “fixed,” as CEO Stan kindly reminded me with his usual calm smile.

++For nerds in service roles who are hard of hearing but refuse a hearing aid: fear not! We fully support feigned listening to all client complaints. Mastering the nod-and-smile technique is optional but highly recommended.

Decolonizing the client: Comrade Karl goes on a rant

Comrade Karl Marx, our VP of Software Development and User Experience Czar asked me in a Whatsapp message 'when is Martin Luther King Day?"

I am on sabbatical in Denmark, living the life of Riley, pro bono-near a lake and thus, I did not answer him.

Rumor has it that Comrade Karl convened all his nerds during today's lunch in his meeting room, Lavrentiy Beria Hall.  On the screen was a picture of MLK, Kim Jong-un and Lester Pearson. Comrade Karl has always had a eclectic streak in him.

When the clock struck 12.30, the Comrade spoke. "Friends, countrymen and nerds with a green card working for a halfpenny: a client should be judged not by the money he pays, but by the degree of tolerance he displays for the bugs in our product and our ever maturing documentation. I have come not to praise our CFO Herr Krebbs, but to bury him. From on this stage, Herr Krebbs, I demand, ask not what we can do to our clients, but what our clients can do to bolster our image".

Herr Krebbs, who hails from Bonn unt speaks vita German accent, muttered to himself (rumor has it), er hat Verstand verloren. Our CEO, Stan, who was sitting next to Karl, said, "For Christ's sake, Herr Krebbs, speak English".

Comrade Karl rambled on until 15.00 (3pm) quoting the Bible, the Communist Manifesto and weaved in a unique idea. Apparently he is said to have claimed-"I am white boy, but this is no matter". He quoted from TS Eliot's Prufrock:  

And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,

When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall..

Continuing his reason the Comrade claimed that "we need to decolonize the clients' sense of privilege, even if he isn't white. Who cares about a few bugs here and there; does anyone know what the role of service is: they clean up the mess? Jesus Christ-when did people start asking questions instead of focusing on knowledge acquisition. Our clients, down the last of them, lack a sense of fairness."

Our CEO, Stan was standing due to 1) his irritation with Karl and 2) his bum was itching because of his hemorrhoids. "Tovarish Comrade Karl, enough is enough. People have an attention deficit from looking at their fucking cell phones all day. Come into my office, without the joint you are smoking. I want to have a word with you. I sure wish Gloria was here, and not living on someone's property over there in Denmark."

 

2025's challenges for the HR manager: and how to handle all 4 of them

 I have been on a sabbatical recently, getting a PhD in AI and German grammar. The AI stuff was easy. 

I won't talk about the German grammar part.

Anyway 2025 is upon is, and from what I understand,  Australia,  New Zealand, Samoa and the Canary Islands are already well into 2025-if I am not mistaken. So I'd better hustle and set forth my four part blueprint for 2025's HR thought leaders.

1-The implementation of transgender toilets has been "pushed out" to a later date. This is not because transgender toilets are unimportant, but because our plan to hire transgender employees was frozen by our head of R&D, Comrade Karl Marks, who just returned from the mid east. Here is what Karl blurted out at an all hands meeting:

 "The woke crowd have been caught with their pants down. The whole map of interests is shifting. We need to hire better engineers, without any PC criteria. HR Diversity is a thing of the past, just like OD and the slogan that "people matter".  Long live Otto Van Bismarck."

Thus, I plan to reintroduce transgender toilets when the Dems are back in power. In other words, don't hold your (m) or your (f) breath.

2) I cannot emphasize how important AI is to the future of HR. It's as important as flossing your teeth or washing your hands after a stay in the toilet. I have set up an AI committee, we will celebrate "AI Monday" weekly and ....get this....we will hire 5 nerds names AI-leen, male or female. Sorry, female.

3) Working from Home is now a crime against humanity. Unlike scurvy, it it is not lethal to the employee, but rather to the firm. Yes- there are mitigating circumstances due to which working from home will be permitted-for example earthquakes near HQ, civil war or an outbreak of leprosy. But don't bet the farm that WFH will be tolerated. Thank you for your understanding.

4) HR strives for gender equality-especially in hiring, downsizing and medical care for various intimate diseases. We hire pregnant staff, whether male or female, as long as the candidate verify their ten-month plan, which can be downloaded almost anonymously on line.

 

It's done: my HR department is all digital

 

It's done; my HR department has been digitalized, leveraging on AI, bigdata, small data, windows 11 as well as fully in line with my core value of "saving my own ass".

Here's why:

As we transitioned into the last leg of 2024 it became clear that our client base was not aligned with our growth plan; thus the need to adapt to the devolving nature of our non-positive growth.

Here's how:

Our Diversity Chief, Hugh White who is (was) white and heterosexual, passed away when hit in the head by an axe wielded by his wife Ludmilla White, perhaps due to a misunderstanding about Hugh's whereabouts. I decided to digitalize Diversity because our board members decided to "fire the bitch (me)  if she wastes money hiring people who can't speak English and is opposed to not checking peoples' chromosomes in order to determine what crapper to use". 

Nowadays, Diversity is handled by voice enabled software that determines colour, sexual proclivity and level of HR services available. All staff will be asked to read the latest and greatest book on Diversity.

Cynthia Axe, our former Chief Downsizer, moved to Denmark because "I want to be happy". She has a government job, giving out free housing to immigrants.  All our downsizing is now done via AI. All employees get a buzzer which gives them a slight electric shock when they have been downsized, and virtual reality removes them from the office even before they have actually left.

One on one coaching and business partnering is now executed by our two bots, Pauline and Mao. Pauline speaks in a Scottish accent and Mao speaks in a Chinese accent. Most of our nerds come from India, Israel and Russia, and we are developing a bot to handle the relevant tongues spoken by the aforementioned. In Russia people speak Russian or Ukrainian and in Israel, people speak in Hebrew or Russian, Russian or Russian. In India, there are 87878 languages.

With my entire department digitalized,  my focus is on augmenting my skills in AI, predictive analysis about not-meeting-deadlines as well as preemptive counter-strikes against employees who bad mouth us to our clients. 

I stop at nothing in order to maintain our reputation. I learnt that from a blog written by an African. I am global and very diverse.

 

How to determine a candidate's ability to work in an AI - rich environment

 

"AI" could have been my middle name, but alas I was not given a middle name. This having been said, even someone who has no middle name is not necessarily a dumbass. 

I don't need to tell my readers how important AI is. Rumor has it that AI is more popular that schnitzel in Vienna or triple cheeseburgers with onions in the US. However, we ladies in HR do not rely (only) on rumors, we use big data. This having been said, bigdata is smaller than AI, from an HR perspective.

I shall move on. On Friday, we had a senior management meeting to define the domain knowledge that our nerds  need to have about AI in order to pass the hurdle and join our team. Hitherto, all a nerd needed to join our firm was a valid foreign passport, a name such as Sanjay, Moshe or Lars, and a belief in intrinsic compensation. 

This has changed. Due to our "brand recognition strategy", all new nerds need AI domain expertise, albeit limited.

Mister Herr Krebbs, our CFO, noted that "ve are not in ze fielt of AI-so vay ve haf  is zis disussion".  Our CTO and User Experience Czar, Comrade Karl Marks, eyed our downsizer Ms Axe and noted that "there is nothing artificial about you". Our CEO Stan asked me to boil down the "entry bar" to the correct answer to 3 basic questions. The Head of Diversity, Hugh White (who is straight and white as a lily) added that "being born in Asia or a ghetto must not impact the ability to answer the questions properly".

I made a note to myself that Hugh need a corrective action plan, including a year in invoicing.

Based on the input of my colleagues, I penned three questions, which will appear from tomorrow on our web site/candidates/questionnaire/english.

1) Do you think AI can be smarter than a seasoned HR lady with feline instincts?

2) If you were swimming across the English channel, would you rather rest in Jersey, or read an article generated by AI?

3) If you were in Scotland, would you try to understand the local dialect, or use google translate?

 

Diversity Under Attack

 

The Diversity Project Manager on my team, Hugh White, burst into my room whilst I was texting my sister, Marie de la Montagne Vilner O'Brien Ramsbottom.

Hugh White happens to be white as a lily and heterosexual, his partner being his lovely wife Ludmilla White nee Khruschev. True, Ludmilla and young Hugh have their rough patches, but I have no reason to believe that Hugh and Lud don't roll in the hay, from time to time.

But, I want to get back to the point.

I could see that Hugh had wet his pants and was shaking like a maple leaf. "My life is in ruins. My career is caduc. Cursed is the ship that brought us here." 

Hugh was upset.

Listening is a great tool and feigned listening is even better. Continuing to text Marie, I asked Hugh to put some meat on the bone and not yelp like a yelper.

"Gloria, all the Diversity buzzwords we have been throwing around, all the smoke we have been blowing up peoples' rear ends, all the rainbow-type love thy neighbour is becoming like as passe as French became as the language of diplomacy.  People confuse between bisexual and bi partisan, between worse and worstest, and poetic justice and plagiarism".

Hugh fell on knees. "What will become of me; I have such  huge fucking mortgage [payments and Ludmilla shops for clothes like there is no tomorrow? Can you move me into recruitment"?

I reassured Hugh that no one, no one, will close down our Diversity Project-we have recruited more Asians than a Chinese restaurant; our IT department looks like we are in Chad and we don't permit too much harassment of Jews.

At which point I received a text from CEO Stan, a Harvard graduate "before Harvard became a "woke shit hole", in his words. "Gloria, close the Diversity Project and if you argue with me, I will fry your white ass and send you back to Canada on a one way ticket. Love, Stan"

Hugh will be setting up our recruitment department, which will report into our CFO, the German Mister Herr Krebbs, who claims that "ve need to trim fifty per -zent frrrrom ze head count".

 

 

Fighting off an acquisition

Truth as an alternative

Truth be told (which sometimes is an alternative), I have been busier than a one armed paper hanger. True, I did take a short vacation in the United Arab Emirates where I obeyed most of the local customs, but my main task has been fighting off an unwanted acquisition. 

There is little (no) reason to believe that anyone was interested in our product suite; my guess is that they wanted to acquire us because of our HR department achievements of 1) "cost effective labour force" and 2) our capability recruitment of migrant immigrants with talent at sea.

In secret talks, I offered my services to the acquiring company for a price tag (discrete-but does include a Samsung 23 Ultra, first class on Emirates and a Tesla) but they were constrained by their core values of full transparency, which seems to me pretty dumb. 

In order to fight off the acquisition, I arranged a meeting between our chief nerd Comrade Karl Marks and Miss Cynthia Axe our downsizer.

                             Engineering and Organized Crime

Comrade Karl spoke with a heavy Russian accent about our clients' myopic biases in assessing our innovative product. The comrade is not Russian, but he was a communist in his youth; he studied Engineering and Organized Crime in Moscow. The meeting between the comrade and the prospective owners can be described non-wow. Karl said that "since our clients' staff  implemented working from home one day a week, our 'pustemah clients' are disconnected from reality and scorn our product's unique value add; which is an undiscovered pearl".

Miss Axe focused on her business partnership approach during downsizing season, and furthermore suggested that the acquiring company speak to our Finance director, Mister Herr Krebbs. Axe: "Krebbs has a real German accent and you'll get tons of details, but at least it's a real accent. Comrade Karl is a basket case".

                              Cynthia Axe: Tis the season to be jolly

Mister Herr Krebbs was in a quandary. On one hand, he wanted to spill the beans to protect his own Arsch after the deal is signed. On the other hand, Krebbs is loyal, which may or may not be a good thing. Herr Krebbs did however disclose one thing: "ve haf no Kash in ze Bank". Krebbs always uses capital letters when he writes Bank.

CEO Stan demanded that I meet with the acquiring company to "blow up the fucking deal immediately or I will send you back to Canada, to freeze your white ass off". 

So, I set up a meeting with our Diversity Project Manager, Hugh White, and met with their CEO about "factoring in diversity". Hugh went on and on, and when we woke up, we were outside, lying on the sidewalk, near a newspaper stand where the economic headline read: 

Major Deal Off.

Dipping into my Mailbox to answer readers questions

What is your cut on Artificial Intelligence?

First of all, it's very artificial. That having been said, I ask you all-is this AI "politically equipped" to handle politics like a seasoned HR lady? Heavens no. Thus, AI is both artificial and not intelligent, in a practical sense. Sound abysmal to me.

What do you think about working from home? Do you ever work from home? Do you have a home?

Working from home is akin to getting herpes, shingles or meningitis. Working from home is as productive as looking for a transgender toilet in an Iran mosque. Naturally, I do not work from home, except for my 3 am email check, finishing off a few tasks while taking a bath and sending out corporate communication whilst eating breakfast.

What about Diversity? How diverse is your company? Any tips for Diversity champions?

Diversity is very nice. I like it. Our company is as diverse as the Tower of Babel, which was mentioned in the Bible. I have not read the Bible, but I saw the movie. My diversity tip of the week is to hire staff that speak half decent English. If not, it can be pretty tiresome. Have you ever read an email from Japan, where it appears that English profinciency is rarer than the same Teheran-based transgender toilet, mentioned above?

What is the key to keeping people motivated?

Hire poor immigrants. If possible, safeguard their passports. Furthermore, give them some old time religion, like oft-repeated mission statements, skills for personal branding and free rides on the company blockchain.

Streamlining Performance Evaluation

Performance Evaluation can be a valuable tool in the same way that prolonged constipation can be an asset. Which means what it means.

This having been said, I have figured out how to get the maximum "bang for the buck" from the Performance Evaluation cycle, which we schedule each year just before summer break. I have maintained, and I continue to maintain, that just before summer break is a very good time to have these discussions, before each nerd's spouse poisons their mind about the work place over vacation time.

Our Performance Evaluation talks have 3 goals, in line with our core value of keeping things simple.

1) Prevent expectations  vis a vis (French) salary hikes.

2) Point out critical weaknesses which must be improved in the very near future.

3) Make the nerd feel more engaged, notwithstanding the aforementioned goals.

This year, several improvements have been introduced, in line with our core value of "constant improvement of the HR experience". 

AI will be interviewing the top percentile of high performers to ensure full control of the dialogue. I personally have coded the bot.

Miss Axe (Cynthia) our downsizer will wear pink and yellow when she speaks with the nerds at the bottom of the pecking order.

Hugh White, the straight white boy who runs DEI, will speak with non Christians and non Caucasians so that they feel bias towards none.

True, the White boy will be busy, but he prefers to be at work, considering the quality of his marriage with his wife, Comrade Ludmilla White, nee Khruschov.

The Ins and Outs of Artificial Intelligence in the HR Profession

 

If you have ever worked with me, it’s clear that Artificial Intelligence is an add-on, a scaffold and or a rudimentary primitive “app” when compared to the cunning of the HR lady. Yet fashion is fashion, so I acted in line with our core value. Which core value? Read on.

I have tested AI on three employees, Ms Axe the downsizer, Hugh White the straight white boy who manages DEI and Mr. Herr Krebbs, our German CFO.

Ms Axe is not exactly white trash, yet she is not the brightest bulb on the block. She actually told the 6 people that she was about to axe that “today, following the guidance of my boss, Ms Gloria, my skills are augmented by a robot that she programmed. “Du bist gefeuert! Scram”. The nerds who were fired spoke Hindi, Cantonese and Hebrew. I cannot begin to tell how stupid Axe can be. I have begun to think that Ms Cynthia Axe needs a coach.

Armed with an AI chat box, Hugh White gave his ok to hire 3 very white, US- based, English speaking customer service engineers for our US based clientele. One of the secrets that have made our service so successful is that we could always feign misunderstanding of what the customer wanted. All our service engineers were Thais or Japanese, at least until now.

Our CFO Mister Herr Krebbs was provided with an AI based app with a Viennese accent, i.e., pure and easy to understand German, except for the verb locations. Yet half an hour after reviewing our HR budget, he sent me an email that “mein cash flow eats dein perks for breakfast, Frauline Gloria. Choppy choppy your spending by 37% for Q3.”

I met CEO Stan on the executive elevator later in the day. I told than “Our AI plan is moving along in alignment with our core value of “Use Humans only when Needed.” ‘

"And where is the meat?”, asked Stan.

I told Stan that I have been a vegetarian for a week.

Upgrade of Digital Services provided by HR proves to be stunning success

As I stepped out of the executive elevator and walked into our canteen at lunch time to slum with the nerds, I was greeted with enthusiasm by all of the lads and most of the ladies.

A small podium had been set up so that I could address the mob and annouce the launch of our new digital HR service platform. Simultaneous translation was provided in 23 languages, and one translator was provided to restate what I was saying in a Scottish accent.

Things went better than expected. I would classify the reception of my speech as wow wow wow, that being 3 wows.

I told the nerds that in order to protect their privacy, each nerd will be provided with a user name and password issued by HR IT services. Each of the two has 12 letters (one Greek), one non numerical symbol, an accented French letter and a Danish overlapping letter, like OE, which in Danish is actually one letter. Cheers were heard all thru the cafeteria when I told them that we care about the privacy of their data.

Then I announced that the health insurance portal has been integrated into the HR IT digital portal. This allows dental x-raywork, colonoscopies and other procedures to be administered remotely. Some rude fellow asked me about the colonoscopy part, but I could not understand his comment, because I only speak French and English, as well as posssessing a deep knowledge of German grammar.

I got a standing ovation when I outlined the "You have been dismissed-get out of the building" button which appears on some nerds' screen after our quarterly financial reports. This button when pressed, provides a one stop station for a severance announcement, severance pay minus your debts to the company canteen and a service charge, and life-long subscription to our company newsletter called "The Joys of Life without Work, even if you have a mortgage and 4 kids" at a discounted price.

Finally, I announced that I will ease the transition into the new HR portal by a lottery. In one weeks time, I will draw a lottery for those early birds who joined our portal today and tomorrow. The prize is a bus-ticket to Detroit for a weekend, with a stay over a Day's Inn at a 30% discount. The nerds threw rice at me,a middle eastern tradition.

It was a grand day.

Transcorporality of our software products

 

                                                         Comrade Karl

 

Last week, a leading software magazine rated our last two products as sublime crap and unripe bananas. The article infuriated our CEO Stan, who often has anger management problems because of his diet, his wife, his banker and the quality of our software releases. Stan demanded that our Chief Nerd and Client Experience Officer, Comrade Karl Marks, present a road map "to extricate us from the fangs of this negative review".

Recently, Comrade Karl has been somewhat detached from his usual hands-on approach. 

Instead the Comrade has being floating above the worries of the nitty gritty of software development. His recent interests have included speaking to the various investors about the CEO’s limitations, Danish grammar, and Huge Data- AI styled. 

Nevertheless, the Comrade prepared a 'grand' presentation called 'What is to be done", in which he spelled out a road map to negate, castigate and eliminate the negative fallout from the recent press review of "our outstanding products, both of which are pearls". 

Here are a few pearls from Comrade Carl's presentation.

"One cannot judge a software product in and of itself. It must be evaluated in the context of the user, the economy, the Zeitgeist and the Gemeinschaftsgefühl of the user environment.”   

Our CFO,  Mister Herr Krebbs, asked Carl if he was sleeping during German lessons. Carl cursed Herr Krebbs in Russian (Zamochi, kibinimat). Then, the comrade continued.

"I believe that using software without a transcorporal mindset is worse than legal abortion, drug use and premarital sex in Iran. It is worse than legal activism. Worse than Brexit and far worse than Merkel's misjudging of Putin. Software and its user have no interface. We are all one; in essence, the Danes are not wrong". Carl wiped his brow and sat down, grinning like a gato, the Spanish word for cat.

Herr Krebbs passed me a note, "Fraulein Gloria, is ze Comrade taking Pervitin? It's illegal!" Stan sent me a text as well. "Does our medical and wellness plan cover this? What's this new thing about the Danes and transcorporality? Please handle this for me. Tak.

Ms Axe (Cynthia, our beloved right-sizing Czar), inquired if our downsized staff from 2002 and onwards can now be considered as “fully employed” in alignment with our new core value of “transcorporality”.