Flying back to Moose Jaw for vacation was not the glamorous affair I envisioned — despite my first-class ticket and exclusive access to the Premier Jet Set Executive Senior Lounge (where they serve sparkling water that costs more than my car).
Air Canada, in its infinite wisdom, delayed my flight by six hours. As if that weren’t enough, my 141-year-old mother kept texting me for “updates.” She’s become rather ornery — and if you don’t know what that means, please Google it immediately and question your life choices.
But, being the embodiment of my core value, “Leveraging Crisis for the Best,” I decided to turn this dire situation into an opportunity: planning my 2026 goals. Technically, I already planned 2026 back in 1999, but I do believe in “Flexible Steadfastness” — which means occasionally changing a word in a PowerPoint slide and calling it “strategic realignment.”
Goal 1: Smashing Defeatism
Too many of my HR colleagues act as if the world has changed. “Oh, the workplace is evolving!” they cry, sipping their oat lattes and embracing “empathy.” Poppycock. There is no order but the old order, and HR is the lubricant that keeps the machinery of mediocrity running smoothly. We are not therapists. We are not life coaches. We are the gatekeepers of policies nobody reads, and we shall smash defeatism with the righteous fury of a rejected vacation request.
Goal 2: Ending the #WFH Apocalypse
This so-called “working from home” has gone far enough. Productivity is down, waistlines are up, and people now think “putting on pants” counts as a deliverable. Employees are demanding perks like “better laptops” and “compensation for lunch.” (What’s next? Paid oxygen?)
In 2026, #WFH ends. And if it doesn’t end, it ends anyway. How long must we let our office plants die of loneliness while our workforce, whom I once heroically recruited from a raft in the Indian Ocean, mutters about “work-life balance”?
Goal 3: Let Them Eat Cake (Again)
This one’s simple. Our cafeteria has gone too far down the road of “global cuisine.” Too much spice. Too much rice. Too many dishes that require pronunciation guides. Meanwhile, the humble cheesecake — once the shining star of our dessert galaxy — has vanished.
For the sake of tradition (and my lactose dependency), 2026 will see the triumphant return of cheesecake. Diversity is important, but so is a decent slice of dessert that doesn’t try to teach me geography.
Goal 4: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
Our workforce includes brilliant minds from countries where jaywalking is punished by a public sword fight. This has made traditional HR “disciplinary action” (stern email, optional workshop) about as intimidating as a scented candle.
So here’s my plan: misbehaving employees will be reassigned to Accounts Payable for a week. Under the iron fist of Herr Krebbs, they will learn what true suffering is — endless spreadsheets, acronyms nobody explains, and the smell of burnt toner. Justice, at last.
And there you have it.
2026 will be the year HR reclaims its rightful place: not as the office’s emotional support unit, but as the tireless enforcer of order, policy, and cheesecake.
Happy New Year to all — may your KPIs be crushing and your mother’s texts mercifully brief
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