Pay alignment for nerds working from home #wfh #telebrabajo

 

Stan

CEO Stan's wife, Wifey, read that pay alignment for nerds working from home is "fair, reasonable, agile and sustainable". 

I am not sure where she read about it, but if my intuition serves me correctly, it was at the Korean Nail salon which she frequents. Or it could be in one of the management blogs she frequently reads, to keep abreast. 

Her husband, on the other hand, keeps abreast of Ms Cynthia Axe, my downsizer.

                                     Glo and Ms Axe

So I was not surprised when I was asked to "factor in immediately the level of compensation and the level of perky-perky perks for those folk working from home", aka #wfh and #teletrabajo.

This "factoring in" took me about twenty minutes, including the time I texted my sister about her 5th divorce as well as  spoke with my new brand manager, (Mejuffrou) Agetha de Villiers, who  manages my image in Africa, where NO ONE, Black, White, Green, Yellow or Indian, is to be found who cannot pick me out of a crowd, albeit my height (5" 3")and pale white face. But that's a side issue, and I need not digress. 

These are the planned compensation adjustments to be implemented retroactively, in line with the MGAJS "mean and global average justice system". Oh yes, that's our new benchmark-a justice system composed of the average quality of the delivery of justice from 5 states-Denmark, the USA, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Syria.

Here's my plan-

50% salary reduction for female nerds who have 2 kids or more; 30% for male nerds whose wife works at home and shares the so-called duties of child-raising. For those nerds with one or two kids, the salary reduction is based on "discretion of the HR lady".

Perk reduction (cancellation of dental insurance) for nerds who have dentures which were virtually installed in Russia and who took the Sputnik vaccine.

The Virtual Happy Hour You-Tube video will now be provided on a subscription basis, but will include subtitles in Hindi, Hebrew, Mandarin, German and Russian. The 50 Euro subscription fee is tax-deductible in Denmark. The Happy Hour will actually be 15 minutes, in line with our core values of "lean and agile".

In the long run, working from home is a privilege  that allows a nerd to work less and enjoy life more-which is fine with me. I don't care what people do in the spare time, as long as we ladies in HR don't foot the bill.

Wearing masks and core values

Kibinimat

Today's senior management meeting was wow. Just one wow. True, our investors have not yet cut off the supply of money, but we have seen brighter days; I try not be negative, in line with my core values of being perky.

CEO Stan, asked each and ever one of us to "throw out" one idea onto the table which would lift the spirit of our investors" and keep our clients "from bitching so much". 

Herr Krebbs, our German CFO said "Geld regeirt die welt", adding "so all ze doorz are closed". Stan asked Krebbs to speak English, but Krebbs had an urgent call from ze bank, and thus had stepped out of the room. Krebbs was gaunt when he returned to the room and angst emanated from his white and chubby face. 

In line with my core values of answering the bosses queries without committing myself, I said that hiring a few Australians could boost the morale of our beloved investors. "The Aussies all work from home, which saves us precious office space. And-we can also keep our prices down, because their cost of living index is low-as they are locked down all the time and can't spend money. True, we don't have any job openings, but that's another matter". I said that in line with my core value of deferred responsibility.

Comrade Karl Marks, our chief nerd, was playing with a new gadget (a mini blockchain) when his turn to speak arrived. "Stan, you need bigger balls. You have got it all wrong. Did people stop sleeping around when there was aids? Kibinimat, don't be a dotard. Of course they didn't. They just wore a condom. Who gives a rat's ass about Delta-the mask is the new condom. Tell the investors just that; leave the clients to me. Spasiba."

Stan texted me (on whatsapp) that we hardly have any more clients left to leave to the Comrade, and I sent Stan a smiley, in line with my core values of sending smileys when I have nothing to say.

 

Chief Transparency Officer to be hired-and on-boarded by a hungry coach

 

Yes, we have no bananas

Wifey, the indefatigable partner of our CEO Stan, is again reading management articles as she vacations alone in Mexico.

CEO Stan is glad that he married such an intellectual as dear Wifey, but he is glad he has his home for himself.

Each and every day, Stan sends the most beautiful flower bouquets to Wifey (via Oviedo Florists); nevertheless but all the more so, Wifey remains critical of Stan and floods him daily with agile, sustainable, block-chain enabled ideas. 

Stan and Wifey spoke by Skype for 3 hours on the weekend; Wifey had read an article called "Transparency: the Religion of the Successful CEO". Wifey is certain that transparency is a building block for Stan's success, or at least an end to his non-success.

At the end of the Skype conversation with his beloved, Stan texted me and told me to recruit a Chief Transparency Officer. "This is more important than the Internet of Things, Covid vaccinations, or hiring people with non-white skin ".

I rarely argue with Wifey's ideas but I did do some risk analysis for Stan about full transparency, as well as a "risk mitigation plan". 

Stan listened to me and agreed to a "modified" role for the Chief Transparency Officer, in line with my core value of "modified roles".

Job Description of the Chief Transparency Officer

The Chief Transparency Office will sit in the a rented office space in Darwin, Australia. His, or her, or its, role encompasses-

1-Ensure that the pressure Stan faces from the Bank is transparent to nerds who want a raise.

2-Ensure that the pressure Stan faces from our shifty Board members is transparent to nerds who want a raise.

3-Ensure that the pressure from the clients for products that work is transparent to our useless engineers.

4-Monitor with minimal frequency the level of transparency of Stan`s first class travel.

5-Monitor the sexual behaviour of our staff, in coordination with the white heterosexual white boy who heads Diversity, Hugh White.

6-Monitor and squelch the level of transparency about the numbers of  talented engineers who want to leave our company to pursue a career in internet of things.

7- All texts, emails, Whatsapps, Skype calls, etc will be "monitored anonymously yet transparently"- just to insure that everything is wow wow wow. (We will hire a hungry coach or very hungry OD intern to do this.)

8-Monitor the positive attitude and motivation of our staff, using state of the art GPS-"embedded" technology, and zenga zenga leadership techniques.

Please note:-

The Chief Transparency Office may also listen to phone calls made by visiting dignitaries, and make the content transparent to CEO Stan.

Mega-nerd Comrade Carl's expectations from HR in the era of the Delta Variant

 

                                                                               

Working from home has had a "not so positive" impact on our R&D department, which is led by the ever so eccentric Comrade Carl Marks. 

Carl speaks with a Russian accent although he was born and bred in the USA. Carl has a picture of Lenin, Stalin, CEO Stan and a professor based in Spain who wears glasses and  studies remote work aka teletrabajo, hanging in his office. 

Carl (also spelt Karl) eats breakfast at 4PM (16.00); he studied in Moscow with the brother of the Chairman of our Board and he understands poor English with a Thai, Danish and even Glasgow accent. Karl claims that he invented the blockchain.

Yesterday, our senior management team held a review to deal with reasons for the delay of our new product which is supposed to be (according to Carl) the "pinnacle of technical excellence ever to be praised by our spoiled and blissfully  ignorant client base".

CEO Stan asked Carl how long do you estimate until our product release will be released, and the Comrade asked Stan, "how long until we'll have a Jewish pope"? Then the comrade added, "you have asked the wrong question, Chief. The turd on the table which no one is addressing is how long until HR finds a solution to  satisfactory working arrangements to cope with the devastation from the delta variant. Kibinimat Chief, asking the right questions will harness the brainpower of our team, isn't that correct Comrade Dr. Gloria?"

Never to be outsmarted, I was prepared for the ambush, in alignment with my core values of "Prepare to be Ambushed". I showed a small YouTube of Comrade Carl singing a ditty: 

"I didn't take a vaccine, I'm clean, and brilliant and mean." 

And I showed a phoney picture of Comrade Carl taking the Russian vaccine accompanied by his blockchain, explaining in fact he had asked the nurse to inject him with "liquid Viagra or a relevant placebo to get it up and running".

Comrade Carl countered that he has some "kompromat" on the key customers, thus the "delay is not a big deal. You need bigger balls, Stan", noted Carl who started muttering in Russian. 

Herr Krebbs, our German CFO, said "Comrrrrade Carl, ze kalt Krieg is ofah".

I've noticed a serious decline in mental health since the advent of the delta variant. I am meeting with my coach next week to discuss ways and means to align our staff with more engagement with stretch goals. I have also commissioned a free and short webinar on "The Joys of Working from Home".

 

What actually IS HR business partnership? Our Blockchain-based quiz provides the answer!

HRBP Positive

In my tireless effort to impart my thought leadership to the herd, it appears that at times I have succeeded only partially. Pourqoui do I say that? Well, I keep on reading drivel about what HR business partnership consists of!  Never end sentences with "of", I was taught. That however is passe, a French word. 

So, I have constructed a small quiz to allow all my English-speaking followers to get their hands around the very essence of what constitutes an HRBP.

After the quiz, there is a key provided to rank and rate your answers, so that you don't pester with more queries, although I appreciate all my readers, almost.

Now take a look at the quiz-looky looky. Shake a leg.

1) Your boss asks you to fire 14% of the nerds. So you

a-look for creative solutions to drive the number up to 18%.

b-convince him that in the long run, this will not save more than a few Groschen.

c-ask him: "by text or by Skype"?

d-consult the blockchain

2) Talent management is

a-another word for Training

b-a very nice word

c-a useful way to rebrand how to avoid hiring unskilled labour, and then retain them by sending them to a few cost-effective webinars.

d-consult the blockchain.

3) Your boss asks you to explain to the Board why the company was rated the worst employer next to the Prison Service. The first thing you do is

a-send him your ready made presentation.

b-ask him if the data refers to prisoners or jailers.

c-take time off in the Canary Islands, which are in Spain.

4) In order to emphasize the role that Diversity plays in your HR policy, you

a-stop hiring White people

b-replace English as the language of business

c-cancel Good Friday 

d-consult the blockchain

5) Your boss asks you to handle suspected hanky-panky that was observed in the parking lot.

a-You tell him you won't tell his wife.

b-You tell him that hanky-panky is an old word.

c-You tell him that it's all on tape and will be leveraged to lower salaries of both employees.

d-consult the blockchain.

6) To celebrate Mental Health Day, you

a-hire people with a rich mental health record.

b-give each and every nerd a Xanax

c-provide Sales people with Cipralex

d-consult a Viennese blockchain

For the key to rank your scores-

Send 50 crisp Euros to HRBP Foundation, 

Ramsbottom House, 

London (England)