HR Portal of the Future Launched Yesterday

                                                            Mr Hugh White

Some people think. Some people ponder. Some dither. I do.

My staff, which includes a perky Ms Axe (Cynthia) my downsizing diva as well as Senor Hugh White, the straight white boy who manages(d) Diversity, are destined to become members of our Early Bird Retirement Plan, aka EBRP. And “as such”, I have remodeled our delivery model for HR services, leaning heavily on blockchain technology, feline instincts, common sense and renewable energy, all of which “culminated” in our spanking new HR portal.

In order to enter the portal, each nerds needs to enter a mere 5 numbers: passport number, wives’ passport numbers (all of them); last 4 numbers of their credit card; family name in numerals with A being 1 and B being 2 etc; and systolic blood pressure.

Having entered the portal, 4 buttons appear.

Button 1: Perks for Turks. This button is for our Turkish nerds, to be hired in 2023.

Button 2: Passport Safekeeping and Visa Management. Closed due to the so-called Corona virus.

Button 3: Diversity University. Includes English language training, procurement of whitening cream, and ethnic background of our nerds and parking lot attendants.

Button 4: Early Bird Retirement Club. Includes daily update of axed staff and retirement (non) benefits.

                                                      On your right, Ms Axe  - Gemacht

Re-tooling the HR Lady for the days of the Corona Plague

                                                               El Pais

The corona plague is not for the weak-hearted, that's for sure. That's especially true if you own a restaurant, own a mink farm in Scandinavia, work in the entertainment business,  have a poor internet connection, or your partner struts around the apartment naked whilst you are on a Zoom call.

But nothing is worser (!) than being an unskilled HR lady who has to deal with work-capsules, health regulations, leave-without-pay as well as  cope with everyone's angst, which is a nice word I have started to use.

Using my agile Austrian blockchain, I have nailed down the top three attributes leading to my success-all of which led to my being chosen HR Lady of the year 2020, for all "intensive purposes".

Here's what I have been up to:

1) Perk Alignment: I  trimmed and slimmed the following perks: health club fees, egg-freezing, mushrooms/extra cheese on late night pizzas, ethnic-food day, English language lessons, taxis to the airport, shingles vaccine booster shots, upgrade of mobile phones, health insurance. I shut down one elevator and turned down the air conditioner to  19 degrees celsius, which my American readers don't understand.

2) Job Pruning: I reduced the number of customer service agents in our call centre, and outsourced that service to a call centre that answers the phone within 21 days. I cut the number of administrative staff by 5 and then added 6 more. I fired the gardener and window washer and rehired these functions from Gibraltar, so that the work be done remotely.

3) Sundry:  I commissioned an online fat-reducing fitness program from the USA , outsourced IT services to Kabul, and commissioned an online tele-medeicine service, which has been previously been documented here, in el Pais and on the BBC.

I also augmented by own salary to 200,000 Euro a year, as well as a  small one time spot bonus of 12000 Euro. 

Rolling out Plans for Mental Health Day

 

Comrade Carl Marks, our self-declared Chief Nerd, briefed me on his grand plans for Mental Health Day.

“Gloria,” he thundered, “back in Russia where I studied, mental illness was seen as an ideological flaw. And frankly, I’m not sure they were wrong. Just look at our clients — ever since we rolled out those new software features, they’ve become depressed, obsessive, emotionally destabilized! I'm currently in hiding at my dacha on Lake Placid, surrounded by Olga, Svetlana, Natalie, and two other Olgas.”

(A quick reminder: dacha is Russian for “cottage.”)

I asked, gently, “My dear Comrade Carl, what exactly are your plans for Mental Health Day?”

“Gloria,” he snapped, “don’t interrupt! Patience is a virtue. Don't be a running dog of bourgeois pragmatism. I’ve invited our clients to your backyard the evening before Mental Health Day. Forty guests, fully catered. I’ve also invited several pharmaceutical companies to hand out samples of their finest Emotional-Sideline-ism treatments. Send the catering invoice to CEO Stan. If the lawn is ruined, expense it.”

He wasn’t finished.

“Oh, and please prepare a few clever and uplifting opening remarks. In English. Maybe ask that Spanish professor you know to give a short talk on teletrabajo. Or I could deliver my lecture on ‘The Legacy of Lazar Kaganovich’ — something to inspire the leaders of tomorrow. Spasiba.”

And with that, the Comrade hung up.

                                              Kaganovitch

Guide to Working on site in Capsules to avoid spread of Corona Virus using brilliant Israeli artificial intelligence and common sense

 

 

No more teletrabajo. Tak

Comrade Carl Marks, our chef nerd, Head of Product Development and Head of User Experience, went directly to our CEO Stan to demand that we all return to work on site.  The comrade claimed that “with the new Russian vaccine having been administered, our nerds are as safe as a Russian spy in a safe house in London during the days of Kim Philby”. Stan noted that Comrade Carl uses strange metaphors when his meds are not balanced.

Comrade Carl suggested that “Gloria use an Israeli consulting service to plan the work capsules, because the Israelis have created a model that enables sheep to live in peace along with hungry wolves in the very same field”. CEO Stan had just read the morning news, said to the Comrade, “Carl do your own fucking job, not other peoples’ job. The Israelis handle corona like Zimbabwe manages their economy.”

Stan texted me (using WhatsApp) and told me that “your job is to get everyone back on site, in safe work capsules, by Monday morning. For a lady of your cunning, this should be no problem at all. After all, you wrap everything up in mumbo-jumbo like a modern day Houdini, who was a magician. By the way, I agree with Comrade Carl about his request to work on site. Just because of few Spanish academics push this teletrabajo fashion trend, we don’t behave like the Spaniards, for Christ sake. Since when have Americans imitated the Spanish? They eat supper at midnight!”

To be honest, there are very few problems that I cannot answer when I put on my thinking cap. You don’t need to speak fluent Greek in order to be creative. Or perfect German. English and French are Latin are good enough. 

Here are the outlines of our Work Capsule Program-

Workers whose family names start with any letter from A to P will work at the office on Sundays and Thursdays. Family names starting with Q to Z except for R will work on site on Tuesday and Fridays. The red bus line will be used by people whose first name starts with C D E F G H I or J.  The red shuttle line operates on Mondays. People from minority groups (Blacks, Asian, Jews, worldly Americans and White English-speaking engineers), will work on Wednesday and use the blue line, which has yet to be commissioned. Exception management will be handled by a hot line and eventually by a Swiss blockchain. You will get a phone code within a month. Anyone can pray in large groups within and between capsules even if they are coughing blood and pus.

I texted this policy to CEO Stan, mentioning by the by that I had consulted an Israeli expert with vast experience in solving complex problems. I did so in order to gain face validity, because Stan says that the Israelis are good at fighting wars. Stan answered me with a text quoting a Swiss philosopher, “this is not a war, for shit’s sake; it’s a virus. I am cancelling your valet parking”.

No more valet parking

Adapting HR wellness package to 2nd wave of the so called Corona Virus

Wifey, the brainy wife of CEO Stan, called this morning to tell me that in Spain, Holland and Denmark, wellness packages have been updated  to "state of the art" , adding, "there is no reason to make Stan look so bad during the so-called Corona virus. Update the wellness package Gloria, and Stan will find the budget. Don't worry about the financials".

I googled wellness and found out that Spaniards now have a 4 hour siesta; some don't go back to work after 1300, but just pretend to teletrabajo. In Denmark, there is a plan to abolish money altogether. And in Holland, blockchain nerds hug cows to calm themselves down, the cows being  rented out by the Ministry of Health and Agriculture to each HR manager.

Putting on my thinking cap, I put together a 3 pronged wellness plan, with each nerd eligible to one prong each, plus VAT minus 2.

Prong One- A picture of Miss Axe hugging a cow and free webinar on "The Liminal and the Subliminal".

Prong Two-A picture of Ms Axe hugging a cow, free hand gel and my new article "How to Fake Telebrabajo without a Blockchain".

Prong Three-A picture of Ms Axe hugging two cows and a 5 Euro loan, repayable within a week at 2% interest. Regulations may apply.

I sent this plan to Wifey by Whatsapp, text and email; Wifey reverted to me telling me that "if you want me to  tell Stan that you are an  "uber" HR lady, you need to "try again". 

🐄