The importance of cultural training for dealing with the Swiss and Italians

Constructive feedback

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd and self appointed product-ambassador-at-large for embryonic blockchain-based  products, just returned from a trip to potential clients in Italy and Switzerland, which is a neutral country, much like Sweden.

Comrade Carl had planned the trip for  6 months, claiming that Italy-based customers are important because when they buy equipment they don't necessarily expect it to work, as opposed to the Swiss, who will not buy anything unless is it is fully functional, except in certain areas of Switzerland where German is not spoken.

When Comrade Carl landed in Milan, the car rental agency would not rent him a car, because he had brought with him only his international drivers' license, forgetting  his US licence at home. Carl texted me and told me that "HR should be halved and quartered for not taking care of administrative issues. Gloria, you waste all your time in your data mine, and we the simple folk, get fucked. Brexit now. To hell with HR. Love, Carl."

Two hours later, I received a Whatsapp message that Comrade Carl had nonetheless rented a car! I texted back, asking the ever-so-innovative Comrade Carl how he had "pulled this off". 

Before I continue this lovely yarn, I want to inform my somewhat unworldly readers in the USA and parts of Canada that "CPSU" stands for the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

So, to continue...Comrade Carl told me that since he still carries his CPSU membership card, he told the Italian rental car service agent that  the card is in fact his drivers licence, and he pointed to his date of birth as the license number, duping the Italian rental agent.

I wandered into our R&D department and told the story to 2 Italian nerds in our Blockchain team who, unfortunately, do not speak English, but rather speak English in Italian. They told me that Comrade Carl is very wise; Italy can be very broken, from an HR perspective. ``But if Comrade Carl gets (ah) caught in (ah) Switzerland, his goose (ah) is cooked (ah)`.

I texted Comrade Carl and suggested that he drive to Lucarno, Switzerland  for the weekend. "Comrade Carl, I suggest you have a few drinks before you drive back to Italy. Parking on the sidewalk is ok, because the Swiss have loosened up; the Swiss police want all tourists to have a wow user experience.  Love Gloria."

Letters from my in-basket

In line with my core value of transparency

Dear Gloria,
Do you have any scientific proof that nerds who are severed at the age of 40 have an improved work life balance?
All the ladies in our HR department reads your every post and worship the ground you walk on, and we would appreciate an answer asap. Btw, there are no men in our department.
Tak.
Sophie

Dear Gloria,
Thank you for recommending travel by Greyhound. Our travel expenses have dipped since we implemented this change. True, the amount of travel has dipped even more, but we have a set of graphs that can prove almost anything.
Tak.
Gertrude

Dear Gloria,
Our HR department reads your blog and you serve as a beacon, especially in the area of well-being, evidence-based HR, Spinoza, engagement and backstabbing. Do you have any ideas how to augment respect to HR during a reduction in force?
Tak.
Fortuna

Dear Gloria,
Pleze dont be zo hardt on your CFO Mister Herr Krebbs. He is just doing his Jop.
Danka.
Mila

Dear Gloria,
Do you ever visit Russia? If so, keep your eyes open. I'll find you.
Spasiba.
Svetlana

Tak and spasiba

Setting priorities on the fly

Our chief nerd and system architect, Comrade Carl Marks, was sitting in his office with his bare feet on the desk reading a newspaper called Mundo Obrero. I asked the Comrade about the origin of the newspaper and Carl told me. "Gloria, you are a running dog of imperialism but I love you! How can I make your day more pleasant?"

I told the unstable, restless Comrade that as per a survey that HR/Data ran last Friday, "priorities are confusing and this impedes my focus" received 100% "totally agree" ranking. I told Carl, nicely, that he need to "clear up his act".

The Comrade offered me a Cinzano, which I turned down in line with my core value of sobriety. Carl offered me a joint, but I told him that I would prefer a Zero or Pepsi Max. Carl told me I was a "laflaf". I googled the term but did not find it.

The Comrade went to a cabinet, opened a drawer, and took our a megaphone. Carl apparently thought that I am hard of hearing or sorda. 

The Comrade then bellowed at me for 5 minutes. Here are a few choice quotes- "Priorities are a thing of the past, like liberalism  and solidarity. Everything is important and nothing is important; this polarity needs to be managed. Clients don't know their ass from their elbow (even if they have a German or Swiss blockchain), yet they pay the bills. This is intolerable, and a derivative of crony capitalism. Gloria, tell the forces that be to shove that survey, and I will not elaborate".

I know what Comrade Carl meant. No, I do not read Marcuse at breakfast, but I am not stupid.

Whipping up support for managements' action using Data and Evidence and Leverage

A priori or ex post facto (Latin) 

Wifey, our CEO's brainy better half, read an article  about data and evidence from a prominent British scholar. 
The article elaborated on the use of data to whip up support for management actions, especially if the data can be twisted to provide evidence that managements' intelligence/action plans are unmatched, be it apriori or ex post facto, or both! (My Latin is quite functional).

Nothing is more prominent that reading an article penned by a Brit, if you ask me. Even if no one uses a pen anymore.

Stan our CEO sent me a Whatsapp at 3 AM, having been hen pecked by Wifey since midnight to "take immediate action on the data issue". The message from Stan was clear-"hire a cost effective data "slash" evidence intern to provide answers for 5 questions. See email from Wifey. Stan".

I ran like a bat out of hell to my new PC and lo and behold was an email from dear Wifey.

Dear Gloria
We both know that Stan's days may be numbered. His blood pressure is high and YTD revenue is low. However, if you hire an intern to generate some data, I think we can save my husbands' ass, if I can be so crude.
Here are five questions that need an answer, within a week.
1-Who is not fully aligned with discretionary effort, and when does their visa expire?
2-What are the leverage points we have on nerds who want to put the life back into work life balance? When does the next flight leave to their native homelands?
3-What are the sexual fantasies of nerds who dare to leave the office before 11 PM? What are they up to, if you get my drift?
4-What is the best bang-for-the-buck perk for nerds who have an American passport?
5-Is there a long German word to describe all this?

One more point Gloria. My sister's grand-daughter Daphne is perfectly suited to be your Data Dame. One day, she could even replace you as HR manager! How wonderful that would be. Please bring Daphne on board on Monday morning. Thank you my darling Canadian girl.

Love, Wifey

I challenged the comrade over lunch an hour later, noting that “in my correspondence with the British and Scandinavians, I have noticed that dissent may have a positive function in creating commitment”.

 

I got stuck with the lunch tab

Comrade Carl invited me to the Plan of Records Committee Meeting, during which product release dates are set in stone. 
Carl asked that I film the meeting and “show it to your HR cronies to illustrate what real leadership looks like".

In the meeting, Comrade Carl stated that a new product version to a Cook Islands client needs to be released 6 months earlier than planned and asked for comments. Sanjay, Sanjay, Sanjay, Svetlana, Svetlana, Svetlana and Igor all claimed that the new commitment  was "doable". 

Nguyen, true to style, kept silent. 

Aaron claimed that the new release date is delusional but the "client does not know his ass from his elbow, so we can blame them when the product backfires".

Comrade Carl told Aaron that he appreciated his openness, and asked me to escort Aaron to Ms Axe, for a “choppy choppy” session as well as a new membership card to our Early Bird Involuntary Retirement Plan. Aaron had a brief meeting with Ms Axe, and he left the building with his head tucked underneath his arm.

I challenged the comrade over lunch an hour later, noting that “in my correspondence with the British and Scandinavians, I have noticed that dissent may have a positive function in creating commitment”.

The Comrade downed 2 cheeseburgers, four brandies and a martini and was silent for ten minutes, during which I texted my sister and picked at my chicken salad. Then Carl lectured me as follows.

“Gloria you don’t have a fucking clue. Dissent is important only the decadent west, where opposition is “loyal”. Loyal opposition?  Are you crazy? Jesus Christ. In the west, the opposition serves as a check and balance, and protects the minority. That’s why the west is fading. Everywhere else, opposition is silenced, killed or stowed away in jail, kibinimat. There is no room for opposition in my regime. That’s why I’m so revered. That why I pay your salary. Btw  Gloria, read up on Comrade Lazar Kaganovitch, a fine administrator of creating firm commitment to a regime. And look how the good dentist Dr Assad of Syria bounced back from the brink - dumping his 4 millions dissenters in the heart of Europe".

I reminded Comrade Carl that none our products have been sold in 7 quarters. “That’s another issues Gloria. Don’t mix apples and pineapples”. 

Then Carl upped and left the table to pee, and apparently fell asleep on the can. I paid the bill, and went back to the office to play with my new German blockchain.

Carl's role model
Tovarish Kaganovitch