Our HR mission for 2023: Passion for Growth with a Stiff Upper Lip

 

It makes no sense to dither or dilly dally or to shirk issues like a CFO who refuses to deal  assertively with the bank on cash flow issues. Ever since the so-called corona virus and the outbreak of working from home*, so-called mass resignations and the clammering of the masses for a cost-of-living increase to cope with so-called inflation, the masses have become empowered much like a paper tiger.

Pressure on the HR function has been non-wow. We ladies have been blamed for every ill of every ilk under the sun. As a matter of fact, even where there is no sun such as in Denmark or Scotland, HR ladies are blamed.

We all bear our cross, as it were. Except the non-Christians of course. For example, we have 12 Jews, 14 Bhuddists and 17 Mohammedans, who certainly don't bear crosses, if you get my drift. Well, I guess that it is best said that I bear mine with the fortitude of my Dad, Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom who used to tell me, when referring to my Mom, that "we all have a cross to bear".

This having been said, I have decided to update our mission statement for 2023 in the spirit of our times: Passion for Growth with a Stiff Upper Lip. This mission will serve as a light unto the people to love and cherish expanding their output above and beyond with self-sacrafice and devotion, whilst grinning in face of adversity, or at least not complaining.

I have outsourced the implementation of this mission to a vendor in the Upper Volta, who will get back to us by December with a budget quote and time line. 

*WFH was fuelled by Spanish academics, who want to retain the siesta and long lazy mornings after 1 am supper.

Supply chain disruption causes reorganization in R&D

 

Unfortunately, as HR SVP and Chief People Officer, I am in charge of wellness (as well as stretch goals).  And in the capacity, it came to be known that a shortage of Klonex and Lexapro has sent Comrade Karl Marks, our beloved Head of Engineering, into deep unchartered waters.

Comrade Karl Mark is the eccentric American who has been leading our R&D team since god knows when. With or without his support system, Comrade Karl is an acquired taste, like a Scottish accent.

Comrade Karl speaks in Russian to his team (half of whom are not Russian, but Indians, Israelis and Chinese) and he even believes he is a Russian, although truth be told, he was born and bred in Ohio. His mental health is maintained with whiskey, pot, and the aforementioned drugs. I also serve as his mental health focal point, in line with my key values of "involvement in all key junctures".

It's not only the drug supply that is a problem. Since the corona virus, our customers have become even more critical of our software. Comrade Karl believes that "long lasting corona inflicts brain damage that makes clients unduly irritated and under-appreciative of our marvelous product, kibinimat".

Last week in a face to face meeting with a key client, Comrade Karl added that "as far as I am concerned, you and all our clients can go fuck themselves".

Our CEO Stan tends not to agree with Comrade Karl. Egged on by our German CFO Mister Herr Krebbs who manages "ze kash flow", Stan demanded that Karl "get in line and align the R&D group to put more wood behind the value-arrow of the product". 

I started asking myself if Stan has some Iroquois blood running is his veins.

To make a long story short and deprived of his meds, Comrade Karl Marks did what was asked of him, the Stalinist that he is. This morning, we all received an email which I am attaching. 

To CEO Stan

CC Gloria

As on today, my new title is Shah of R&D. Shah is a Persian word, meaning King. As a Shah, I want to promote two important new core values: 

1) Technology uber alles: we will be putting usability and client satisfaction on hold.

2) Academic freedom: all ideas, however trivial, will get appropriate funding. Then, we will complain of being overworked, like a Spanish academic. Then, I will set up a union.

As R&D Shah, I will nonethless consult with CEO Stan; however Stan is an American so I see no problem in that.

Gloria is our HR comrade-in-arms, and as such, she enforces compliance. It really does not matter what she enforces, as long as she is in charge.

Onward march and avanti popolo. Spasiba.

Shah Comrade Karl Marks

Stan sent me an email asking me when the supply chain issue will be rectified? I do not like the word "rectified", yet I answered, "in a timely manner, Chief". I don't really know what that means, however. I think that I need to become a hair dresser for a while. Too much mishigas.

5 top questions to ask resigning employees?

 Yes it's true that there are some nerds who decide to part with us in this epoque (French) of economic and social upheaval. 

Some of these ungrateful nerds are working on key projects, such as making our last software release semi functional, or translating the documentation from Chinese, Hebrew or Hindi into English. So, no, we are not in a wow wow wow frame of mind when the nerd gives his (or her or its) notice. 

I developed 5 questions to pose (ask) nerds the very moment they announce their intention.These questions have had a very positive impact on lowering this type of churn; as such-I have chosen to share these questions in line with my core value of leading the pack and self agrandisement.

1) Do you remember the day that we pulled you out of the ocean off the coast of Libya and/or off the shore of Greece, to recruit you? Does your culture have no dignity?

2) Do you remember that your passport is in our company safe?

3) Did your partner (generally a wife) declare the Schwarzgeld income she made in our kitchen?

4) Did I ever show you the photo that we took of you and Svetlana in the parking lot?

5) We gave you a loan to learn English and it appears that you took the loan yet still cannot communicate. Will you return the loan in one installment, or now?

Hiring a VP of Sales entails skills and acumen of the first lady of HR

There is an outstanding difference of opinion between our CEO Stan and R&D Czar Comrade Karl Marks about the need for a Head of Sales. Comrade Carl claims that "good technology sells itself." CEO Stan, on the other hand, believes that Comrade Carl is a fucking idiot and that since our product is a "dubious piece of junk", Comrade Carl's opinion will be over ruled. "Gloria, hire a VP Sales pronto, or I will ship you back to Canada, where it is colder than Denmark."

So, I put on my thinking cap and put together a job description to publish in the US, Canada, Britain and Australia, ie in the civilized parts of the world.

Job entails: 

Sales and revenue collection for unique product in embryonic stage with plenty of futuristic value, inshallah.

Ability to use slimy agents in the third world to sell our product from slush funds. Russian, and Chinese language skills critical.

Ability to dodge difficult questions of a technical nature and instead, promote "personal agendas" of the buyer, in line with our core values of corporate expediency.

The candidate must:

• Have white skin
• Wear a suit and tie
• Speak perfect, I mean perfect, English
• Ability to drink like a fish and sting like a bee
• Have a social network at high levels in the third world
• Sing well at karoyoki bars.

I sent this job description to CEO Stan, who texted me back, "now you are talking business, baby". Stan is not politically correct, but boys will be boys. He oked my private yoga lessons as a company expense.

Ministry of Gender Equality and Diversity ranks us - and a shift of policy

 

The overzealous Ministry of Gender Equality and Diversity asked our approval to conduct a voluntary audit. Hugh White, the former Head of Diversity agreed without my knowledge. 

We got -3 of a possible 5 points. Hugh White suffered an accident in my office and passed away, suddenly. His body was unrecognizable. 

The auditors noticed that Hugh White, RIP, was white and heterosexual.The auditor also noted that most ladies in our firm are from HR, Administration or Sales. 

Sadly they also noticed that in our R&D department, there were people who came from tribal lands where nerds' sisters were closely monitored for sexual abberation before marriage,and women were  banned from praying between 3-5 times a day in our R&D prayer room.

The auditor noted than one lady from Finance, our Accounts Payable Officer,  Fraulein Gertrude, was indeed feminine, but was caught having some "hanky panky" with Mister Herr Krebbs during, before and after the audit. 

The Auditor also noticed that all faces at the mahogany senior management  table were white as a lily, even though we sell our software in the 3rd and 4th world. Even the 5th.

(Almost) never to be caught off guard, I took corrective action to make a wow situation into a wow wow wow situation.

1) Hugh White was buried at the tomb of the unknown soldier in South Sudan.

2) Fatima Cohen was hired as Head of Diversity. (S)he has no white skin, as far as I know.

3) Starting this Friday, for a month straight, we will celebrate "white males have halitosis day".

4) Fraulein Gertrude will remain in the same job but as a contractor, and she will earn 5 times more.

5) We will examine our HR branding strategy with illegal immigrants.