Unfortunately, as HR SVP and Chief People Officer, I am in charge of wellness (as well as stretch goals). And in the capacity, it came to be known that a shortage of Klonex and Lexapro has sent Comrade Karl Marks, our beloved Head of Engineering, into deep unchartered waters.
Comrade Karl Mark is the eccentric American who has been leading our R&D team since god knows when. With or without his support system, Comrade Karl is an acquired taste, like a Scottish accent.
Comrade Karl speaks in Russian to his team (half of whom are not Russian, but Indians, Israelis and Chinese) and he even believes he is a Russian, although truth be told, he was born and bred in Ohio. His mental health is maintained with whiskey, pot, and the aforementioned drugs. I also serve as his mental health focal point, in line with my key values of "involvement in all key junctures".
It's not only the drug supply that is a problem. Since the corona virus, our customers have become even more critical of our software. Comrade Karl believes that "long lasting corona inflicts brain damage that makes clients unduly irritated and under-appreciative of our marvelous product, kibinimat".
Last week in a face to face meeting with a key client, Comrade Karl added that "as far as I am concerned, you and all our clients can go fuck themselves".
Our CEO Stan tends not to agree with Comrade Karl. Egged on by our German CFO Mister Herr Krebbs who manages "ze kash flow", Stan demanded that Karl "get in line and align the R&D group to put more wood behind the value-arrow of the product".
I started asking myself if Stan has some Iroquois blood running is his veins.
To make a long story short and deprived of his meds, Comrade Karl Marks did what was asked of him, the Stalinist that he is. This morning, we all received an email which I am attaching.
To CEO Stan
CC Gloria
As on today, my new title is Shah of R&D. Shah is a Persian word, meaning King. As a Shah, I want to promote two important new core values:
1) Technology uber alles: we will be putting usability and client satisfaction on hold.
2) Academic freedom: all ideas, however trivial, will get appropriate funding. Then, we will complain of being overworked, like a Spanish academic. Then, I will set up a union.
As R&D Shah, I will nonethless consult with CEO Stan; however Stan is an American so I see no problem in that.
Gloria is our HR comrade-in-arms, and as such, she enforces compliance. It really does not matter what she enforces, as long as she is in charge.
Onward march and avanti popolo. Spasiba.
Shah Comrade Karl Marks
Stan sent me an email asking me when the supply chain issue will be rectified? I do not like the word "rectified", yet I answered, "in a timely manner, Chief". I don't really know what that means, however. I think that I need to become a hair dresser for a while. Too much mishigas.
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