Chief Transparency Officer to be hired-and on-boarded by a hungry coach

 

Yes, we have no bananas

Wifey, the indefatigable partner of our CEO Stan, is again reading management articles as she vacations alone in Mexico.

CEO Stan is glad that he married such an intellectual as dear Wifey, but he is glad he has his home for himself.

Each and every day, Stan sends the most beautiful flower bouquets to Wifey (via Oviedo Florists); nevertheless but all the more so, Wifey remains critical of Stan and floods him daily with agile, sustainable, block-chain enabled ideas. 

Stan and Wifey spoke by Skype for 3 hours on the weekend; Wifey had read an article called "Transparency: the Religion of the Successful CEO". Wifey is certain that transparency is a building block for Stan's success, or at least an end to his non-success.

At the end of the Skype conversation with his beloved, Stan texted me and told me to recruit a Chief Transparency Officer. "This is more important than the Internet of Things, Covid vaccinations, or hiring people with non-white skin ".

I rarely argue with Wifey's ideas but I did do some risk analysis for Stan about full transparency, as well as a "risk mitigation plan". 

Stan listened to me and agreed to a "modified" role for the Chief Transparency Officer, in line with my core value of "modified roles".

Job Description of the Chief Transparency Officer

The Chief Transparency Office will sit in the a rented office space in Darwin, Australia. His, or her, or its, role encompasses-

1-Ensure that the pressure Stan faces from the Bank is transparent to nerds who want a raise.

2-Ensure that the pressure Stan faces from our shifty Board members is transparent to nerds who want a raise.

3-Ensure that the pressure from the clients for products that work is transparent to our useless engineers.

4-Monitor with minimal frequency the level of transparency of Stan`s first class travel.

5-Monitor the sexual behaviour of our staff, in coordination with the white heterosexual white boy who heads Diversity, Hugh White.

6-Monitor and squelch the level of transparency about the numbers of  talented engineers who want to leave our company to pursue a career in internet of things.

7- All texts, emails, Whatsapps, Skype calls, etc will be "monitored anonymously yet transparently"- just to insure that everything is wow wow wow. (We will hire a hungry coach or very hungry OD intern to do this.)

8-Monitor the positive attitude and motivation of our staff, using state of the art GPS-"embedded" technology, and zenga zenga leadership techniques.

Please note:-

The Chief Transparency Office may also listen to phone calls made by visiting dignitaries, and make the content transparent to CEO Stan.

Mega-nerd Comrade Carl's expectations from HR in the era of the Delta Variant

 

                                                                               

Working from home has had a "not so positive" impact on our R&D department, which is led by the ever so eccentric Comrade Carl Marks. 

Carl speaks with a Russian accent although he was born and bred in the USA. Carl has a picture of Lenin, Stalin, CEO Stan and a professor based in Spain who wears glasses and  studies remote work aka teletrabajo, hanging in his office. 

Carl (also spelt Karl) eats breakfast at 4PM (16.00); he studied in Moscow with the brother of the Chairman of our Board and he understands poor English with a Thai, Danish and even Glasgow accent. Karl claims that he invented the blockchain.

Yesterday, our senior management team held a review to deal with reasons for the delay of our new product which is supposed to be (according to Carl) the "pinnacle of technical excellence ever to be praised by our spoiled and blissfully  ignorant client base".

CEO Stan asked Carl how long do you estimate until our product release will be released, and the Comrade asked Stan, "how long until we'll have a Jewish pope"? Then the comrade added, "you have asked the wrong question, Chief. The turd on the table which no one is addressing is how long until HR finds a solution to  satisfactory working arrangements to cope with the devastation from the delta variant. Kibinimat Chief, asking the right questions will harness the brainpower of our team, isn't that correct Comrade Dr. Gloria?"

Never to be outsmarted, I was prepared for the ambush, in alignment with my core values of "Prepare to be Ambushed". I showed a small YouTube of Comrade Carl singing a ditty: 

"I didn't take a vaccine, I'm clean, and brilliant and mean." 

And I showed a phoney picture of Comrade Carl taking the Russian vaccine accompanied by his blockchain, explaining in fact he had asked the nurse to inject him with "liquid Viagra or a relevant placebo to get it up and running".

Comrade Carl countered that he has some "kompromat" on the key customers, thus the "delay is not a big deal. You need bigger balls, Stan", noted Carl who started muttering in Russian. 

Herr Krebbs, our German CFO, said "Comrrrrade Carl, ze kalt Krieg is ofah".

I've noticed a serious decline in mental health since the advent of the delta variant. I am meeting with my coach next week to discuss ways and means to align our staff with more engagement with stretch goals. I have also commissioned a free and short webinar on "The Joys of Working from Home".

 

What actually IS HR business partnership? Our Blockchain-based quiz provides the answer!

HRBP Positive

In my tireless effort to impart my thought leadership to the herd, it appears that at times I have succeeded only partially. Pourqoui do I say that? Well, I keep on reading drivel about what HR business partnership consists of!  Never end sentences with "of", I was taught. That however is passe, a French word. 

So, I have constructed a small quiz to allow all my English-speaking followers to get their hands around the very essence of what constitutes an HRBP.

After the quiz, there is a key provided to rank and rate your answers, so that you don't pester with more queries, although I appreciate all my readers, almost.

Now take a look at the quiz-looky looky. Shake a leg.

1) Your boss asks you to fire 14% of the nerds. So you

a-look for creative solutions to drive the number up to 18%.

b-convince him that in the long run, this will not save more than a few Groschen.

c-ask him: "by text or by Skype"?

d-consult the blockchain

2) Talent management is

a-another word for Training

b-a very nice word

c-a useful way to rebrand how to avoid hiring unskilled labour, and then retain them by sending them to a few cost-effective webinars.

d-consult the blockchain.

3) Your boss asks you to explain to the Board why the company was rated the worst employer next to the Prison Service. The first thing you do is

a-send him your ready made presentation.

b-ask him if the data refers to prisoners or jailers.

c-take time off in the Canary Islands, which are in Spain.

4) In order to emphasize the role that Diversity plays in your HR policy, you

a-stop hiring White people

b-replace English as the language of business

c-cancel Good Friday 

d-consult the blockchain

5) Your boss asks you to handle suspected hanky-panky that was observed in the parking lot.

a-You tell him you won't tell his wife.

b-You tell him that hanky-panky is an old word.

c-You tell him that it's all on tape and will be leveraged to lower salaries of both employees.

d-consult the blockchain.

6) To celebrate Mental Health Day, you

a-hire people with a rich mental health record.

b-give each and every nerd a Xanax

c-provide Sales people with Cipralex

d-consult a Viennese blockchain

For the key to rank your scores-

Send 50 crisp Euros to HRBP Foundation, 

Ramsbottom House, 

London (England)

Hybrid working Arrangements introduced-Based on Blockchain Input and Warm Data

 

"Kibinimat Stan, if I were given the HR portfolio, we would have introduced hybrid work before the Treaty of Utrecht was signed".

This statement was made by our chief nerd, Comrade Carl Marks, at our recent management meeting. The comrade was speaking to our CEO, Stan, but winking at me. Carl texted me "calm down Gloria, be liminal."

CEO Stan, suffering from digestive issues after eating too much onions in last night's salad, asked me "what's our hybrid work plan, Gloria. I do not want to keep hearing that in places like  Spain, everyone has a plan like this and we don't!" 

"Actually Stan, I have a plan and the execution is pending your approval. Check your Whatsapp more often. The plan offers incentives to our nerds to volunteer their services for 14 hours a week, defining that as exercising social responsibility to the firm. Furthermore, our toilet facilities can be retrofitted as conference rooms (voice only), and that adds another dimension to hybrid work, in a metaphysical sense. In a final coup de gras, so to speak, HR shall suspend the need to struggle with work-life balance. Homes of all nerds will be wired and connected so that the nerd can feel at work when at home, and at home when at work, so to speak."

Comrade Carl, feeling outfoxed said, "In Spain, people went home for siestas; that will not be necessary with your new plan, Sister Gloria. Siestas will be defined as old world manifestations of upper class decadence. This sounds brilliant. I will see that it gets published in El Mundo Orbrero and the New York Times.

As the meeting ended, I email my English-based Blockchain Expert to align all systems, but it was a bank holiday, so he may have been at the bank.

Compensation Realignment after Corona

 

The so-called Corona virus forced HR, very much against our will, to deduct 45% of nerds' pecuniary compensation as our Sales went belly-up.

Nevertheless I did manage to transform the deducted  45% into intrinsic motivation units as well as an improved dental care package. 

Intrinsic motivation was augmented by pep talks given at first by Herr Krebbs our German CFO. However Herr Krebbs is a dry as a desert wind (although he has a German sense of humour). 

Thereafter, Ms Cynthia Axe, our downsizer, gave excruciatingly effective pep talks, with a nerd's severed head tucked underneath her arm.

Our ameliorated dental care allows one extraction every 14 months, or one visit to a dental hygienist every 5 years. We cover 30% of the parking fee as well. 

Apparently, with business booming, there is a work-compensation realignment issue on my hands.

Today, 4 nerds walked into my room, uninvited, and demanded to speak to me. Their names were Svetlana, Svetlana, Sanjay and Sanjay. They were all wearing T-shirts with the inscription: No money; no honey.

Apparently, these 4 nerds were acting under the auspices of Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd and chief product architect. Svetlana 1, the chief rabble rouser was holding a red flag and a copy of yesterdays' El Mundo Obrero. 

Every HR lady is judged in moments where quick decision making and steadfastness is needed. HR is not a tea party. HR is not paying taxes in Denmark. HR is not a university discourse. Non! Pas de tout, which is a French term.

I asked the 4 nerds to sit down, and excused myself for a call from my sister about her upcoming divorce. Not willing to be rude, I promised the 2 boys and the Svetlanas that I'd be back to them "in a timely fashion".