Rehiring nerds we have fired to augment (which means increase) our fire power

 

Constantly ahead of the pack, I guided the hapless Ms Cynthia Axe to rehire some of the nerds we sent into oblivion in the framework of our Early Bird Retirement Plan. 

Ms Axe, who used to run that plan, has recently been appointed to a new role as Human Inventory Focal Point.

For once in her miserable life, Ms Axe needs to grovel due to the present chaotic structure of the job market, which I describe as non-wow. If you ask me, Danish work culture is spreading faster than a speeding bullet.

I questioned Ms Axe about the approach she was taking in her interview in terms of selling the company to the nerds, many of whom misunderstand our compensation plan. Axe told me that the nerds keeping asking the same questions:

1) Why do pizzas ordered after midnight not have enough toppings?

2) Why don't we understand what the client wants?

3) Can we work even if our visas have expired?

4) Is that bitch Ramsbottom still the HR lead?

5) Can a I get a new folding Galaxy?

Ms Axe asked me what the right answers are, and I referred to an HR handbook, which unfortunately is not (yet) in English.

Acute Diversity Day

 

                                         Young Hugh White: White as a Lily

Taking the law into his own hands, Hugh White, "diversity and inclusion vice czar" of my HR fiefdom, issued an email to all our staff and management team on the occasion of Acute Diversity Day. 

The original plan called for Acute Diversity Happy Hour, but right under my nose, Hugh turned it into a full day. Read his  email before I continue:

Why assume that if someone pees standing up that he is a man? Why assume that wearing a kilt assumes that Scott MacGregor is a Scot? Why assume that just because someone happens to be Danish that they are happy. Why assume that targeted assassinations are more cost effective than war?  Why claim that leprosy is dangerous and infectious? Why assume that if Juanita eats supper at 11pm, that she has indigestion? Today, on Acute Diversity Day, we challenge you to look at your basic assumptions.

Hugh White, 0/C Diversity

After I read this email (on my phone in the parking lot at 7 am), I had no time to formulate a plan A, let alone plan B. All my plans are intersectional.

I rushed into the management meeting only to hear Chief nerd Comrade Carl's comment to CEO Stan. "Gloria and his team have become the ridicule of our nerds who come from countries where girls and girls and men are men. Hugh White should be kicked out her ass".

CEO Stan defended me: "Comrade Carl, just because Gloria is Canadian, don't assume that it is a pacifist". 

        

Adjusting compensation to cost of living

 

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Some folks claim the cost of living is on the rise — gas, electricity, groceries, parking — you name it.

I am not one of those folks.

That said, a growing number of our software nerds have been loitering outside my office and staging pickets at the front door, demanding a "cost of living adjustment" to their salaries. I suspect these demands stem from reading The Daily Worker, El Mundo Obrero, or binge-watching too many Scandinavian labor-union dramas on Netflix. In any case, our once-docile nerds have clearly strayed from the noble path of corporate serfdom.

To deal with this outbreak of fiscal idealism, I’ve developed a three-pronged response:

Prong One: Enlightenment. I walk them through their salary slip, line by confusing line, and then present comparative wage data from peer companies in Albania, South Sudan, and Bolivia. This usually triggers a recalibration of expectations.

Prong Two: Theoretical modeling. If the nerd remains resistant, I introduce my proprietary Portuguese blockchain tool, which simulates their quality of life with and without a salary — factoring in, crucially, how many children their wife has produced.

Prong Three: Reserved for the truly stubborn. Here we consult our remote proctologist, whose instructional YouTube video outlines a technique that is, shall we say, persuasive. Following this, Ms. Axe arranges for a quiet exit via the freight elevator.

Results?

• 89% of nerds accept the Albania–Bolivia–South Sudan comparisons and bow respectfully to me and Ms. Axe.

• 44% are convinced by the blockchain modeling, particularly if another child is en route.

• Just 0.008% require the proctology protocol — typically those from Russia or the more combative corners of Eastern Europe and the Middle East.