Adjusting compensation to cost of living

 

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Some folks claim the cost of living is on the rise — gas, electricity, groceries, parking — you name it.

I am not one of those folks.

That said, a growing number of our software nerds have been loitering outside my office and staging pickets at the front door, demanding a "cost of living adjustment" to their salaries. I suspect these demands stem from reading The Daily Worker, El Mundo Obrero, or binge-watching too many Scandinavian labor-union dramas on Netflix. In any case, our once-docile nerds have clearly strayed from the noble path of corporate serfdom.

To deal with this outbreak of fiscal idealism, I’ve developed a three-pronged response:

Prong One: Enlightenment. I walk them through their salary slip, line by confusing line, and then present comparative wage data from peer companies in Albania, South Sudan, and Bolivia. This usually triggers a recalibration of expectations.

Prong Two: Theoretical modeling. If the nerd remains resistant, I introduce my proprietary Portuguese blockchain tool, which simulates their quality of life with and without a salary — factoring in, crucially, how many children their wife has produced.

Prong Three: Reserved for the truly stubborn. Here we consult our remote proctologist, whose instructional YouTube video outlines a technique that is, shall we say, persuasive. Following this, Ms. Axe arranges for a quiet exit via the freight elevator.

Results?

• 89% of nerds accept the Albania–Bolivia–South Sudan comparisons and bow respectfully to me and Ms. Axe.

• 44% are convinced by the blockchain modeling, particularly if another child is en route.

• Just 0.008% require the proctology protocol — typically those from Russia or the more combative corners of Eastern Europe and the Middle East.