Re organization

Here is a text I sent to "all" following a new re organization, our 12th reorganization this year, proving our flexibility, in line with our core values.

Stan has appointed Carl Marks as 2nd in command. Carl will remain as R&D Czar and Head of Cultural Renewal. Five new values will be added monthly to our list of core values, until we have more values than any other company in the industry. Some of our values will be in Russian and Chinese and Hebraic.

Tim Buck, Carl's Uncle, has been appointed Chairman of the Board. Tim plans to allow Stan a free hand to run the company, in line with Tim's core values. Nepotism will be banned, and Carl will lead the anti-nepotism campaign.

R&D Businesss partner Jennifer Papadopolis-Otelini, who reports ONLY into Carl Marks, will be assume the role Talent Management, Knowledge Management, Human Equity Return Manager, and Retention Consultant. Jennifer will work in close coordination with Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux, who will "stay on" as EVP HR. Cynthia Axe will continue to run the Early Bird Retirement Program, "liasing" with Jenny Papadopolis "as needed".

An HR Think Tank is launched and is headed by Carl Marks, who will "work with Gloria to make it happen". The question is what is IT.

Gloria will maintain her Blackberry Q 10. Jenny gets a Blackberry Z 10. Cynthia Axe gets an old Motorola, which was assembled in the USA.

Winston Wu has announced his retirement, after failing to sync Blackberry Q10 with google calendar. יהיה זכרו ברוך

Team Building activity is a semi wow

5 wows

This past weekend, our entire staff and families were on a  picnic, "to forge one team and develop a sense of unity of direction, in alignment with our key value of happy but cheap labour."

The event was orchestrated by a certain Hugh White, from Diversity. Hugh is both a heterosexual and white as a lily.

In a post-mortem, CEO Stan called the camping event non wow; Chief big data nerd Comrade Carl Marks labelled the event as "semi-wow", Cynthia Axe was undecided  whilst I think it was a quadruple wow, ie wow, wow, wow, wow.

Readers, judge for yourself how many wows the picnic was, in line with my core value of delegation.

1) Comrade Carl and his team of nerds separated into various ethnic groups, conversing in tribal dialects  including Russian, Chinese, Urdu, Hindi, Hebrew and English with a Singapore accent. (The ladies of HR and Sales were in one white group, conversing in English).

2) All the wives (who speak some  English) cornered our CEO Stan and asked about "why working hours are so long and pay is so low". Stan looked for me but I was texting my sister and did not see him beckoning me over.

3) Sarah Barracuda, Head of Procurement, got into a fist fight with Comrade Carl Marks about supply chain issues. Carl was treated by Ms Cynthia Axe, who read a book on first aid.

4) Wifey and I sat in a corner and discussed her latest reading recommendation on the impact of Confucian unequal relationships on management practices.

5) IT VP Winston Wu stayed at home, managing yet another IT crisis, since none of the Blackberry Classics were synchronizing with Google Calendar.

6) Stan gave a motivational (engagement) speech, and Comrade Carl Marks  contradicted Stan 3 times. All our staff was ecstatic, especially the (3%) English speakers who understood what Stan said. Our nerds threw rice on Comrade Carl, was was stoned during the whole event.

Stan, Carl Marks and Glo exchange emails-Stan bring Ms Axe into the picture

From: Stan
To: Carl Marks
CC: Glo, Winston Wu
Carl,
Revert to Wifey by this evening about the link she sent you on Chinese Management Guidelines.
This is an order. Glo, follow thru.
Stan
PS. Winston, change Glo's access rights to allow her into R&D asap. And I mean asap, not this IT manana crap.


From: Carl
To: Stan
CC: Jenny Papapopolis-Otelini
Stan
Jenny is on top of it. Gloria's input is rubbish; she doesn't have half a brain.
Jenny will revert to Wifey within a few days.
And cool off, man.
Comrade Carl

To: Glo
CC: Cynthia Axe
Glo,
Let's meet asap. Just let me run a few things by Carl's sponsor (his Uncle), Board Member Tim Buck.
Stan

Pizza and politics

Comrade Carl Marks, ever so bizarre

Carl Marks, VP-Chief IoT nerd and his slovenly python team ordered in pizzas at 1700 (5pm). That is against company police-Y which allows pizzas from 2300 (11pm). The pizzas included anchovies, which is in line with our sacred values of anchovies for underpaid nerds.

Carl's folks sat around the table and discussed the Syrian crisis, which is against company policy, which limits discussion to work, work, work work, or work, unless we are not in a crisis mode. (We were last NOT in a crisis mode in 2001).

People spoke in Cantonese (as in Cantonese food), Russian, Ukrainian, Urdu, Putonghua, Chinese Shanghai dialect and Hebrew.

Comrade Carl Marks (born in  Spokayne) said that the US should bomb Syria until the Syrians agree to democratic elections, including the participation of the Syrian Communist Party. 

Did I mention that Comrade Carl is a democratic communist?

Our Ukrainian Big Data  team consisting of Igor, Igor, Igor, Vlad, Vlad and Svetlana all agreed that the US is already too weak to have any impact, whether they attack Syria or not. Igor suggested dropping a few bombs, but on Moscow.

The Chinese team members claimed Syria was too small to mean anything. The Chinese spoke so many dialects that I am not sure they were all on the same page.

The Israelis were against any intervention. They were also against non intervention. Each Israeli also disagreed with himself. They argued long into the night.

I was barred from the meeting, but I switched phones "by mistake" with a python engineer; on my phone, the speaker mode was enabled. One of our cleaning staff did the translating.

Email thread

From: Wifey
To: Stan
Stan,
Who the f--k is Jenny O?
Answer me immediately and come home by 6 pm.
Wifey


To: Carl 
From: Stan
Carl, 
Kindly revert to Wifey today about the article. Update me AND CC GLO.
Stan

To: Stan
From: Carl
Stan my boy,
Back off a bit. I have LOTS ON MY PLATE.
Wifey can wait a few days; TRUST ME.
Jenny Otenlini will be on top of things.
Your pal,
Carl


To: Glo, my #1 favorite
From: Stan by text
Drop by my office asap. 
Stan